You’ve heard mediums (or is it media?) talk about how they can connect with spirits who, apparently, are totally happy, forgiving, and love being dead. Rather than take their word for it, the Intergalactic Business Report decided to conjure and then interview an actual spirit to find out for ourselves what goes on in the netherworld.
Using some heavy nipple clamps and mescaline, we were able to make contact with a ghost named Ryan Orangestead, who left his human existence in 1985. Ryan gave us the goods on what spirits actually think and guess what? They hate mediums. The following is our totally true interview.
INTERVIEWER: How’s it going?
RYAN: I’m dead, so…
INTERVIEWER: Sorry. I forgot. I’m kind of out of it right now.
RYAN: Maybe you should loosen those nipple clamps.
INTERVIEWER: Should I? Or will I lose contact with you if I do?
RYAN: I don’t know. I guess keep them on.
INTERVIEWER: I think I need to ask you a couple questions before I pass out. First off, what’s it like to be dead?
RYAN: Well, it’s not as cool as everyone says. On those shows where mediums supposedly talk to us, they make it sound like we’re all happy about being here and that we forgive everyone.
INTERVIEWER: So you’re not happy?
RYAN: No. This sucks. I don’t even have a fucking body, man. I just sit here and kind of float around and watch people masturbate.
INTERVIEWER: You watch people masturbate?
RYAN: Yeah. Why do you use two hands anyway? I know it’s not because your dick is so big.
INTERVIEWER: Next question. Do you actually communicate with any mediums or is what we’re doing a better way of connecting?
RYAN: This is way better. The mediums sit there and act like we can’t actually talk or something. They say we’re showing them pictures and shit. It’s so stupid.
INTERVIEWER: So you don’t show them symbols and pictures and numbers?
RYAN: Most of the time I’m just screaming at them to listen to what I’m saying.
INTERVIEWER: And do they listen?
RYAN: No. They just start making shit up.
INTERVIEWER: Can you give me an example?
RYAN: Well, one time my wife, who’s still alive, was doing a reading.
INTERVIEWER: Did you try to talk to her through the medium?
RYAN: I tried. I was yelling in the medium’s ear.
INTERVIEWER: And did he hear you?
RYAN: If he did, he’s a total dick.
RYAN: Because he kept telling her that I wanted her to find love with someone else.
INTERVIEWER: And you didn’t?
RYAN: No! When you get over here, to this world, if your wife got remarried, then when she dies you become a goat and her new husband rides you around and humiliates you.
RYAN: Yeah, it sucks. It’s a sweet deal for the new husband though.
INTERVIEWER: I feel like I’m not understanding you right now. Did you say you turn into a goat?
RYAN: You should loosen those nipple clamps. You look like you’re going to pass out.
INTERVIEWER: But I don’t want to lose contact with you…
RYAN: Here’s the answer to the universe. You’re a booger.
INTERVIEWER: I’m a booger?
RYAN: Loosen those clamps.
(At this point in the interview, our medical staff loosened the nipple clamps on our interviewer and he immediately lost contact with Ryan. As an eerie side note, there is no record of a Ryan Orangestead dying anywhere in 1985.)
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.