You may have heard of the “Murder Hornet,” a deadly insect from Japan that is starting to invade the Pacific Northwest. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report urges its readers to worry instead about a more dangerous threat to our ecosystem—the Death Killer Kill Everything Wasp.
We compare the two species below. You decide which one is deadlier.
MURDER HORNET: Seeks out beehives where it massacres all inside.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Seeks out humans and doesn’t really give a shit about bees.
MURDER HORNET: Gives a painful sting to humans if they bother it.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Impregnates your face with its stinger and you give birth six minutes later to a half wasp/ half human who develops in a massive sac in your jowls.
MURDER HORNET: Is two inches with a wingspan of three inches.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Stands six feet tall and you think it’s your roommate, till it gets up and impregnates your face.
MURDER HORNET: Canadian scientists have begun setting traps for the hornet, hoping this will stop them from spreading further into North America.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Sets traps for humans, hoping it will capture enough of them to form a massive group of prisoners it can use to build millions more nests.
MURDER HORNET: Originated in Japan.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Originated in a nightmare where you’re talking to your mom and then you notice she’s a Death Killer Kill Everything Wasp. And you have to pee really badly and your hands don’t work. And Freddy Prinz Junior’s there too.
MURDER HORNET: Is hard to kill because of its size and durability.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: If killed it starts vibrating and then explodes and thousands of wasp babies fly out of its used carcass.
MURDER HORNET: Has a quarter inch stinger, filled with venom.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Has a nine-inch penis that it slaps people with and is also filled with venom.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.