During an archeological dig commissioned by the Intergalactic Report, stunning new evidence has emerged that will change the way you see Christmas. Or at least the part of it having to do with elves.
While we are unable to reveal explicit details about the location of the dig site or the archaeologists involved, we can tell our readers that the place we dug was probably not sanctioned by any government or governing body that decides where you can hold an archeological “dig” and also that the man leading our expedition was very much like Indiana Jones if Indiana Jones were some fat dude with a bulldozer who screams stuff in a foreign language and keeps asking for money and then gets chased away by police-looking guys who also scream stuff and ask for money.
Anyway, here’s what we found:
THE BODY OF A TROLL
Our diggers uncovered an odd looking corpse which we dated at about a thousand years old.* It was big. It wore a colorful outfit that kind of looked like what a Christmas elf would wear. We named our find “Ruben” and someone noted that he looked like a troll.
AN ANCIENT BOOK
Next, we came across what could only be described as an ancient book. It had old pages in it and it was near Ruben’s body. Had it belonged to him?
While no one was able to decipher the writing, it appeared to be in English, but none of the words made any sense. It was as if the ancient culture that wrote it had stolen all our letters and then put them together in nonsensical ways. Who would have done that?
NEW THEORIES ABOUT THE ORIGINS OF CHRISTMAS
During a break in the dig, several of our researchers relaxed with bottles of mescal and mescaline.** They discussed the possible meaning behind our findings and a new theory was born. Basically, it was this: A long long time ago, Ruben, a troll, dressed up like an elf. But he wasn’t an elf. He was a troll. So, way back then, trolls were elves. And they had a made-up language. And then someone in our group started screaming that there was a monkey inside his chest that was going to eat its way out.
ANOTHER, SUCKIER THEORY, EMERGES
There is some speculation that Ruben was just a very ugly human being whose grave we dug up. And that the book was in Spanish, whatever that means. But what about his elfish outfit? The same guy who told us the rest of this lame theory couldn’t answer that. He just said: “Why did you guys dig up a dead body and dress it like an elf?” whatever that means.
In a magical age where dragons shot fire at dwarves who rode unicorns, a troll named Ruben entered the battlefield and fought for Christmas. Clutching his magic book, he was shot down by Eustacius Bonegiver, an evil dragon rider who was half man, half war swine. As Ruben fell into a ditch, the dwarves raced to save him. They dismounted their unicorns and hustled with their little legs towards what would soon become Ruben’s grave. They were too late to save him. But his legacy lives on today.
*It looked old. Really old.
** Mescaline, we discovered, is not the same as mescal. Mescal is like tequila. Mescaline is like injecting a crazy voodoo snake into your brain and letting it hatch crazy eggs.