Heavily betting on the fact that nobody will read this, the Intergalactic Business Report is making rapid movements towards contacting a tribe that has been classified as “uncontacted.”
By press time, we will know what happened in our dealings with the Ampermutha, the name we have given the tribe since we don’t understand their language and decided to choose something that sounded tribal and nativey but also had the root word “amp” in it.
Every world organization that protects the rights of “uncontacted” tribes has chosen to not issue us a specific warning or request to not enter Ampermutha land, but we will in ten minutes (which is probably going to mean three or four days ago, using your time). For the safety of our interns who have been sent in on this quest, we are not disclosing the location of the Ampermutha or the names of our interns.
Having said all this, we lay out below the background for this scientific quest that will bring new understanding among cultures and finally bridge the limits of history with the promise of hope.*
1. Jodi Fisch and Danny Severn won the intern contest to travel to visit the Ampermutha people. The contest consisted of them being called into an office and asked to guess a number between one and one hundred. Even though neither of them came close to guessing the number 69, they were both given the assignment.
2. Because we didn’t want to be detected by international agencies or foreign governments, we asked our interns to charge everything to their own credit cards, because this would make them look more like tourists and not part of one of the greatest information seeking organizations on the planet.
3. We heard from locals that the Ampermutha would probably try to kill anyone who entered their land and that they were known for bizarre rituals involving cannibalism and bodily mutilation. Jod and Danny were warned about this in a way we found effective to their mission.** They proceeded with courage.
4. Jodi and Danny entered the jungle at 5:38 a.m. local time and took with them several enormous bags containing Gatorade; portable Nintendo devices; porn; electronic devices to show the porn on; a projector to project porn onto the side of one of their huts; and several Whatchmacallit bars.
5. Intergalactic Business Report editors who had accompanied the interns to the outskirts of the jungle then hiked back several meters and found a taxi, which took them several hundred miles away to a bar at which they set up camp and waited to hear back from Jodi and Danny. The four hours spent there were tense, with drinks flowing constantly, as part of our “tourist cover.” Jodi’s parent’s American Express card was used to run the tab and to protect our identities.
6. That evening, our editors had still not heard anything from Jodi and Danny. One of the problems had to do with a lack of communications tools and devices, such as cellular phones or even crappy walkie talkies, which were not given to the interns because one of the editors came up with the idea that such things might frighten the Ampermutha and make them think that Jodi and Danny were some kind of demons.
7. An excruciating late night decision was made by our editors to call it a night and get some sleep at the inn to which the bar was attached.
8. The next morning, a loud banging was heard on one of the editor’s hotel room doors. When he opened it, he was shocked to see Jodi and Danny standing before him. They seemed distraught and traumatized.
9. Because it was early morning and there had been so much drinking as part of our cover, the editors made the call to sleep for a few more hours before debriefing with Jodi and Danny. To communicate this to them, an editor slammed his door and shouted something about letting him fucking sleep because he was up all night drinking and worrying about their mission.
10. Several hours later, the editors regrouped with the interns at the hotel bar. A suggestion was made that everyone minus the interns start drinking again but one of the interns was such a dick about it that our editors had to tell the waiter to hold on for a few minutes.
11. Danny angrily and disrespectfully explained that they were dropped off not in the jungle, but in a really shitty neighborhood of some town. All their goods were stolen by “natives” but not the kind that are in uncontacted tribes.
12. Needless to say, the editors were pissed that the interns lost all their shit and made the excruciating decision to charge Jodi’s mom’s Amex to replace everything.
13. Jodi threatened to call the U.S. Embassy for some reason and Danny tried to act all tough like he was going to fight the editors or something. Luckily, cooler heads prevailed when the interns were told that their passports were hidden somewhere and if they didn’t straighten up, they would be burned and some other stuff too that the editors can’t remember now because they started drinking again.
14. Great news came the next day when a local store opened and the team was able to gather new gifts of porn, candy bars, and sports drinks for the Ampermutha.
15. A different entrance to the jungle was located, even though the interns complained that it was actually just a public park and that the editors were lying again, but then we saw a man in the distance who looked like an uncontacted tribe member.***
16. The interns were sent towards him and disappeared soon after into the jungle.**** Stay tuned to find out what happens, but we are fairly certain that our next report will involve one of the greatest anthropological discoveries in the last ten thousand years.
17. As we sign off, the editors are opening some beers in celebration of what will come next. We plan to retreat to the hotel bar and await news from Jodi and Danny.
*That sounds like it means something.
**Telling Jodi and Danny about the cannibalism and murder would have been a morale killer, so we left that stuff out.
****It was far enough away that it could have been the jungle.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.