THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

Secret Report

Is Christmas cancelled? An interview with Santa Claus.

12/15/2020

Comments

 
Picture
Unlike traditional news outlets, the Intergalactic Business Report has been following a developing story about Santa Claus and the effects the COVID crisis has had on his work, life, and efforts to bring toys to children all over the world.
 
In an exclusive interview, we sat down with Mr. Kringle and asked him about his recent bizarre behavior and if Christmas is happening at all this year. 
 
 
INTERVIEWER: Let me get right to it. What have you been doing this year?
 
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Preparing for Christmas? What else?
 
INTERVIEWER: I heard you were shrooming and eating hot pockets all day.
 
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Where did you hear that?
 
INTERVIEWER: Are you even ready for Christmas? I’m assuming it takes lots of planning.
 
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Yes it does. But every year, the spirit of the season comes through and children all over the world see a shining light of hope and peace.
 
INTERVIEWER: That sounds like shroom talk.
 
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Whatever do you mean by that?
 
INTERVIEWER: Do you have to start every sentence with Ho Ho Ho?
 
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Yes?
 
INTERVIEWER: Jesus. Just stop saying it.
 
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho, but I’m Santa, right?
 
INTERVIEWER: That’s what you told us.
 
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. That’s right.
 
INTERVIEWER: Just stop the Ho Ho Ho thing, O.K.? Let’s start again,.
 
SANTA: Oh Ho Kay!
 
INTERVIEWER: That’s stupid. That’s not a Santa thing.
 
SANTA: Oh Ho yes it is.
 
INTERVIEWER: I’m telling you to fucking stop that.
 
SANTA: Oh Ho Kay! I will.
 
INTERVIEWER: Now you’re just being a prick. 
 
SANTA: Oh Ho No! 
 
INTERVIEWER: You seriously are on shrooms.
 
SANTA: Do you know what I said when I saw your mother and your two sisters?
 
INTERVIEWER: What?
 
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho!
 
INTERVIEWER: This is stupid. I think we’re done.
 
SANTA: Ho Ho No! Let’s keep talking. 
 
INTERVIEWER: It’s just fucking dumb. This whole thing. 
 
SANTA: Can I get some water or something?
 
INTERVIEWER: Can someone get him some water?
 
SANTA: Also, I need something to eat. My blood sugar is dropping. 
 
INTERVIEWER:  Can we get him something to eat?
 
SANTA: Thanks. Do you have anything sweet?
 
INTERVIEWER: Like what?
 
SANTA: A pastry or something. Maybe… A…. Ho Ho?
 
INTERVIEWER: Fuck you.
 
SANTA: HO HO HO!
 
INTERVIEWER: If I had a tranquilizer gun I’d shoot you.
 
SANTA: HO HO HO!
 
INTERVIEWER: Are you done?
 
SANTA: Yeah. Yeah, I’m done.
 
INTERVIEWER: Did you actually need food?
 
SANTA: No. I just wanted to do the Ho Ho thing.
 
INTERVIEWER: Well, it sucked.
 
SANTA: Do I get paid for this?
 
INTERVIEWER: Does he get paid for this?
 
SANTA: What’d they say?
 
INTERVIEWER: No. They said no you don’t.
 
SANTA: Fuck.

Get IBR merch here
Comments

    About

    Reports so secret we hide them on this page.

    Archives

    March 2022
    December 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    June 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    December 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR