Unlike traditional news outlets, the Intergalactic Business Report has been following a developing story about Santa Claus and the effects the COVID crisis has had on his work, life, and efforts to bring toys to children all over the world.
In an exclusive interview, we sat down with Mr. Kringle and asked him about his recent bizarre behavior and if Christmas is happening at all this year.
INTERVIEWER: Let me get right to it. What have you been doing this year?
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Preparing for Christmas? What else?
INTERVIEWER: I heard you were shrooming and eating hot pockets all day.
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Where did you hear that?
INTERVIEWER: Are you even ready for Christmas? I’m assuming it takes lots of planning.
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Yes it does. But every year, the spirit of the season comes through and children all over the world see a shining light of hope and peace.
INTERVIEWER: That sounds like shroom talk.
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Whatever do you mean by that?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have to start every sentence with Ho Ho Ho?
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Yes?
INTERVIEWER: Jesus. Just stop saying it.
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho, but I’m Santa, right?
INTERVIEWER: That’s what you told us.
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: Just stop the Ho Ho Ho thing, O.K.? Let’s start again,.
SANTA: Oh Ho Kay!
INTERVIEWER: That’s stupid. That’s not a Santa thing.
SANTA: Oh Ho yes it is.
INTERVIEWER: I’m telling you to fucking stop that.
SANTA: Oh Ho Kay! I will.
INTERVIEWER: Now you’re just being a prick.
SANTA: Oh Ho No!
INTERVIEWER: You seriously are on shrooms.
SANTA: Do you know what I said when I saw your mother and your two sisters?
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho!
INTERVIEWER: This is stupid. I think we’re done.
SANTA: Ho Ho No! Let’s keep talking.
INTERVIEWER: It’s just fucking dumb. This whole thing.
SANTA: Can I get some water or something?
INTERVIEWER: Can someone get him some water?
SANTA: Also, I need something to eat. My blood sugar is dropping.
INTERVIEWER: Can we get him something to eat?
SANTA: Thanks. Do you have anything sweet?
INTERVIEWER: Like what?
SANTA: A pastry or something. Maybe… A…. Ho Ho?
INTERVIEWER: Fuck you.
SANTA: HO HO HO!
INTERVIEWER: If I had a tranquilizer gun I’d shoot you.
SANTA: HO HO HO!
INTERVIEWER: Are you done?
SANTA: Yeah. Yeah, I’m done.
INTERVIEWER: Did you actually need food?
SANTA: No. I just wanted to do the Ho Ho thing.
INTERVIEWER: Well, it sucked.
SANTA: Do I get paid for this?
INTERVIEWER: Does he get paid for this?
SANTA: What’d they say?
INTERVIEWER: No. They said no you don’t.
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