It could be worse. IBR explores a pandemic taking place right now in an alternative universe America.
Using proprietary neutrino scales and measurements, a scientific team commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report saw glimpses into a neighboring, alternative universe, which is 99.9% the same as us. The one difference? They’ve been hit by a pandemic that sucks far worse than ours. Here are the details:
AMERICA: States and school districts decide on how to open schools. Some opt for online learning. Others have in-class models with mask-mandated or mask-optional policies.
ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Glendor Gallanpuss, owner of Alternative America, has changed the word “school” to the word “home,” and has given all students the option of either going home or going to school.
AMERICA: Fall sports are cancelled in many states.
ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: There is really only one “sport” and it’s something where you take off your penis and throw it at people. Once you do it, you retire from the sport, because your penis is gone.
AMERICA: If a vaccine is developed and approved, next year we may get back to normal.
ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Alternative America is “back to normal.” It’s pretty much like this without the pandemic.
AMERICA: Masks must be worn to prevent the spread of the virus.
ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Penis clamps are the one way the disease is stopped from spreading. But only if they’re super, duper tight.
AMERICA: Teachers are concerned for their own safety as they conduct classes during a pandemic.
ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Glendor Gallanpuss has abolished the profession of teaching and replaced it with a new profession called “dick slapping” in which practitioners slap people with their penises. When former teachers showed up to work at the end of last year, they were arrested for being sexual predators. Basically, there are no teachers anymore, but a lot of dick slappers.
AMERICA: Stay at home orders sequester families in place for weeks and months.
ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Stay in your bed orders make sure no one can leave their beds pretty much ever.
AMERICA: Suicide rates have spiked from depression over the crisis and being kept indoors.
ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Most people just started killing themselves out of boredom.
AMERICA: The news displays the numbers of cases and deaths as a constant reminder of the tragedy and danger.
ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: The news is basically just a guy screaming. And you can’t turn it off.
AMERICA: Political groups take advantage of the chaos to get votes.
ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: The Dick Slappers’ Union is a major lobbying group that influences policy.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.