Magic found to be strongest defense against COVID-19.

Vaccines. Anti-virals. Vitamin D. Every day we hear a different miracle cure or treatment for the COVID-19 virus. Instead of just guessing, the Intergalactic Business Report finally and definitively give readers the answers they need. Our discovery? That magic (yes, that magic) may be the strongest defense we have against contracting the deadly Coronavirus.
 
We compare medical science and magic and name a winner, below:
 
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Takes months and years to find solutions to complex problems.
MAGIC: Takes maybe one fucking second to wave a wand or cast a spell.
WINNER: Magic.
 
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Practitioners have academic degrees in medicine and science.
MAGIC: Practitioners have magic “in their blood” and notice they have powers. Then they have uncomfortable conversations with their grandmother who says, “Baby, you have the touch of the angels!” or whatever dumb shit your family calls it.
WINNER: Tie.
 
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Uses expensive equipment and labs to produce results.
MAGIC: I can blow up your fucking head with my thoughts. 
WINNER: Magic.
 
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Experts have titles like “Doctor” and “Head Scientist.”
MAGIC: Magic users have names like “Wizardo” and “Glomulana, high demon lord priestess,” but also, “Brenda, that girl who has the touch of the angels.”
WINNER: Magic.
 
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Doctors and scientists don’t usually wear outfits where their nipples show.
MAGIC: Magic people don’t even wear pants most of the time.
WINNER: Magic.
 
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Offers “cures” that “eliminate” or “eradicate” diseases.
MAGIC: Can do battle with the spirit embodiment of diseases and blow its fucking head off using thoughts.
WINNER: Magic.

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