An investigation by the Intergalactic Business Report revealed that a new Covid-19 vaccine that can only be administered through the researcher’s penis is fraudulent. Details below on this breaking story:
The origins of the penis vaccine.
In late March of this year, self-styled pharmaceutical scientist Carl Ystrepi of Bonhucken Maine entered the vaccine race and began developing something he called the “hot beef injection.” He claimed that his unique method of delivering medicine allowed him to skip many of the barriers to vaccine development such as scientifically understanding how a vaccine is developed.
Some early setbacks.
The unorthodox clinical trials that Ystrepi held were him offering a hot beef injection to women he accosted at a nearby beach. With zero percent volunteer participation, he was forced to move to a controversial new vaccine approval technique—just assuming it works.
Carl’s vaccine is ready way before anyone else’s.
Because his vaccine reached approval in his mind and needed only to have the assumption of efficacy, Ystrepi was able to declare his vaccine ready after only a month, which was perfect, because the weather was getting better and more people were heading out to the beach and other public places where he hoped to offer his treatment.
Legal issues troubled Carl’s vaccine rollout.
Apparently, it’s illegal to claim you have a Coronavirus vaccine that can only be given through your penis hole. More specifically, it’s illegal to approach people and say that if they have sex with you they can’t get Covid-19. Even more specifically, it’s against the law to scream at people in a Target parking lot with your pants pulled down. This does not, Carl found, meet the requirements of being a “vaccine clinic.”
A warning to consumers:
If you received a hot beef injection from Carl Ystrepi, you are not protected from the Coronavirus.
On the other hand…
Who knows, right? The science on this is not totally formulated and it’s possible this is the cure.
How can you get a hot beef injection from Carl Ystrepi?
Carl says to call him when he gets out of jail.
Question: How long will it take Carl’s vaccine to have a worldwide effect?
If he can get out of jail, he could cover the more rural areas of Maine by late 2021.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.