As the death toll for COVID-19 rises across the world, a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has found that the virus is more deadly than we first imagined. So deadly, in fact, that many patients are dying twice after contracting it.
The full report, which is about four thousand and thirty-two pages, shows stunning new findings about the nature of the virus and will be available in the near future. We have excerpted the key details below:
A subset of dead patients died again after dying.
This means that the Coronavirus is so deadly, one death is not enough for it. It kills its victims and then, once they are dead, it kills them one more time, just to make sure.
After death experiences by patients who were brought back to life confirm this.
COVID-19 patients who expired and were brought back to life describe an afterlife in which they were walking towards a light and then when they got to the light, there was another light ahead, and they needed to walk towards that instead.
In some cases, the virus took victim’s cars, drove them to ATM machines, and withdrew cash.
Scientists still have no idea how they learned patients’ PIN numbers, but one theory is that the virus just traveled to the person’s brain, looked up the number, and then was just like, thanks.
Coronavirus hates the name COVID-19 because it makes it “sound like a robot or something.”
This reveals new insight into the sensitivity and vanity of the virus. A source close to the virus reported that it originally had requested the name “Steel Thunderbringer” which was rejected, causing an outrageous argument that ended in the virus threatening to mutate and mix with new animal species.
On a related note, the virus hates the fact that computer viruses are called viruses.
It feels strongly that only viruses that infect the bodies of human beings are real viruses and that calling a bunch of numbers that make your computer slow should be called something else, like a, like a… But then it doesn’t have any good ideas for what it should be called instead.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.