If you watched ABC’s The Bachelor Monday, you witnessed what scientists are now calling a potential threat to all human existence—namely Clayton Echard’s (pronounced Itch-hard) out of control love brain.
In only a few weeks, Echard fell in love with three different women and had sex with two of them before being thwarted by bachelorette Susie Evans and evoking a thrilling Ike Turner style response from Clayton. Moments earlier, Echard pondered how it was possible to fall in love with multiple people and this immediately piqued the interest of scientists associated with the Intergalactic Business Report.
According to experts, while it is possible for humans to fall in love with different partners, the phenomenon rarely takes place simultaneously and in such a short time span. This has raised concerns among some in the scientific community who worry that the rate and scope at which Clayton’s brain falls in love may reach a critical compounding stage that could end with Echard being in love with everyone on the planet by the year 2023.
Rumors abound that while in Iceland, Clayton fell in love with close to 25 new people, some of them mere passersby who saw him briefly on public transportation and restrooms. Following his return to the United States, estimates of his new loves range anywhere from 3,500 to seven and a half million people, causing one prominent, anonymous academic to label him as the “new Coronavirus” only “worse, because he wants to French kiss you.”
Another pressing concern, illustrated by his interaction with Susie Evans, is that Echard may become angry if any of his beloved don’t reciprocate his feelings. An Icelandic bathroom attendant confirmed that Clayton demanded to know of him why he hadn’t told him upon entering the toilet area that it was a “dealbreaker” that he was an enormous stranger who just professed love to a guy cleaning toilets.
Some believe the “Clayronavirus” will end when Echard has fallen in love with every human on Earth and is unable to keep up a relationship with them all effectively. Still others worry that Clayton will be with us forever and expand his love, much like Anchorman’s Brick Tamland, to everyday objects like lamps.
Formal requests to study Echard’s brain have not yet been placed but many in the scientific community wish to also learn more than just its ability to fall in love. Says one scientist: “Yeah, I want to understand how it thought he could tell three women that he was in love with them at the same time, have sex with them, and then expect they wouldn’t tear his balls off.”
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