Think you know Hollywood? Think again. The Intergalactic Business Report has used its influence to garner exclusive knowledge from a power player who tells you what really goes on in tinsel town. And apparently some of it has to do with your butt cheeks.
Welcome “Agent X” to enlighten you with tales of the entertainment industry so inside they may need to be surgically removed. Here's what he has to say:
What if I told you I could walk into any restaurant in the greater Los Angeles area and tell you who the power players were simply by the way they were sitting? Not even look at their faces, and I'd know. Instantly.
It's true. And here's the big secret about the Hollywood power elite: they all sit side-butt.
I see some clown sitting on his ass with his legs spread wide, trying to take up space and look relaxed, and I immediately think to myself: Pfft. What a chump. Never even seen the inside of a White Room, much less took a seat.
But the reserved gent carefully settling in on his chair, balancing gingerly on a single flank, one leg swung across the other in an almost feminine fashion? Here, I think, here is a man of power.
Where did it start, this custom? It's hard to say. Some say it goes back to the days of noted germophobe Howard Hughes and his early days in the film industry; others say its roots stem from a Russian underworld tradition of making deals nude in the sauna, to symbolically show the other party you have nothing to hide.
I don't know. But what I do know is that all the big Hollywood deals—I'm talking the real deals, the money deals, the shotcaller deals—take place in a small, white room where two small white couches face each other. The parties disrobe in the antechamber and then enter the white room completely nude, and it is here that the deals are done.
You've probably heard too many times now that Hollywood is a male-dominated world? Yeah, this is like that. I'm sure there are women who have heard of this and want in. I can remember seeing Barbara Streisand's living room spread in Harper's and chuckling at how white it all was, thinking to myself, "Nice try." No, women are strictly forbidden, and the reason will become obvious to you soon enough.
So two or more powerful men side down, in the nude, on pristine white couches to do a multi-million dollar deal. What do you think the first consideration is? You got it: asscracks.
Keep your asscrack off the couch!
Ever heard anyone called a shitstain? People in this business get called shitstains all the time. Of course shitstains are bad, but some of the time we are talking about literal shitstains.
I've seen and heard of big deals falling through simply because someone was less than careful about shifting on the couch and left a shitstain. A well-known Oscar-winning director had a sure thing passion project derailed because he enthusiastically sat forward in the midst of his pitch to a high powered producer and dragged his taint across the slipcover. And that's all it took.
That's why the real power players—the true kings of this business—have, over the years, become habituated to sitting sidebutt, to never let the crack of their ass within six inches of a cushion. They are fluid and elegant in their self-seating. The true greats will even recklessly flirt with a brush across the fabric, as if to say "I am confident. I am bold. I am in total control." They can't help but sit that way now, unconsciously; it has become as natural as breathing to them.
So the next time you're out at a public establishment in the LA area, keep an eye out and you will see them. These powerful, graying sidebutt sitters. If you're an aspiring starlet or screenwriter, these are the people you want to connect with. Beware of the manspreading pretenders with expensive watches and shiny hair. They've never sniffed the inside of a white room, these shitstains, and probably never will.
Balls are fine, incidentally. It’s perfectly okay if your balls touch the couch.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.