THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

Secret Report

Secret Report: Sex is weird. Here’s how to make it not weird.

1/7/2020

Comments

 
Picture
Unlike activities such as lawn mowing, driving, and croquet, new evidence suggests that sex between two human beings is weird and unsettling. 
 
For years, the Intergalactic Business Report has harbored suspicion about the activity of people jamming penises into each other’s body holes, sucking genitals, and slapping asses. But, because of the world-wide popularity of sex, we never said anything… Until now.
 
For centuries (and maybe longer) humans have resorted to taking off their clothes, climbing on top of each other, and doing something many of us call “humping” or “porking.” In its simplest state, this practice is done “missionary style” and lasts a few minutes. In its most complicated form, it can go on for hours and include people sticking their dicks through holes in walls and using farm equipment to stimulate one another.
 
Our own editors have engaged in some of these activities and can only describe it as follows: “I got this strange feeling, like I suddenly wanted to do it and then I was doing it. Naked. And when it was over, it was like, what the fuck did I just do? And then I’d just leave and pretend it never happened. Except that I would tell my friends about it immediately and we would high-five and stuff. It’s so shameful.”
 
To remedy these awkward feelings, we offer 8 tips for how to make sex not feel weird:
 

1. When you’re about to do it, just say to your partner: “I’m going to pretend you don’t really exist and that I’m just doing this to a hole that my mind is making me see and feel.” 

2. Visualize your penis as just a flesh-colored fruit you’ve never seen until now. Then pretend you’re sticking it in a hole in the wall that is stopping a flood. Then keep banging it into that hole, again and again. Not sure why you’d need to do that to stop a flood, but it’s the only way this works. 

3. If you have a vagina, picture it as a parking garage. Here comes a flesh-colored car that needs to find a parking space.  

4. Cover your face in duct tape to avoid eye contact that reminds you there’s another naked person there who is porking with you. Be sure to leave breathing holes and an opening for your mouth in case the other person wants to pork that too. 

5. It’s not sex. It’s just a naked wrestling match where you penetrate your opponent. When it’s over, just high-five and say, “good game,” and then hit the showers for a wetter wrestling match. Then hit the showers again.  

6. If someone is taking you from behind, just start rapping “the Super Bowl Shuffle.”  

7. Don’t call it an orgasm or that you’re about to have one. Keep it normal and not weird by saying stuff like, “I’m gonna submit my tax return” or “here comes the milkman.”  

​8. If you forget any of these tips and have sex, you can still make it not weird by just handing the other person twenty dollars and saying, “Thanks, bruh.” Now you’re both thinking about money and not whatever you just did to each other. 
Comments

    About

    Reports so secret we hide them on this page.

    Archives

    February 2023
    October 2022
    July 2022
    March 2022
    December 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    June 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    December 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR