Unlike activities such as lawn mowing, driving, and croquet, new evidence suggests that sex between two human beings is weird and unsettling.
For years, the Intergalactic Business Report has harbored suspicion about the activity of people jamming penises into each other’s body holes, sucking genitals, and slapping asses. But, because of the world-wide popularity of sex, we never said anything… Until now.
For centuries (and maybe longer) humans have resorted to taking off their clothes, climbing on top of each other, and doing something many of us call “humping” or “porking.” In its simplest state, this practice is done “missionary style” and lasts a few minutes. In its most complicated form, it can go on for hours and include people sticking their dicks through holes in walls and using farm equipment to stimulate one another.
Our own editors have engaged in some of these activities and can only describe it as follows: “I got this strange feeling, like I suddenly wanted to do it and then I was doing it. Naked. And when it was over, it was like, what the fuck did I just do? And then I’d just leave and pretend it never happened. Except that I would tell my friends about it immediately and we would high-five and stuff. It’s so shameful.”
To remedy these awkward feelings, we offer 8 tips for how to make sex not feel weird:
1. When you’re about to do it, just say to your partner: “I’m going to pretend you don’t really exist and that I’m just doing this to a hole that my mind is making me see and feel.”
2. Visualize your penis as just a flesh-colored fruit you’ve never seen until now. Then pretend you’re sticking it in a hole in the wall that is stopping a flood. Then keep banging it into that hole, again and again. Not sure why you’d need to do that to stop a flood, but it’s the only way this works.
3. If you have a vagina, picture it as a parking garage. Here comes a flesh-colored car that needs to find a parking space.
4. Cover your face in duct tape to avoid eye contact that reminds you there’s another naked person there who is porking with you. Be sure to leave breathing holes and an opening for your mouth in case the other person wants to pork that too.
5. It’s not sex. It’s just a naked wrestling match where you penetrate your opponent. When it’s over, just high-five and say, “good game,” and then hit the showers for a wetter wrestling match. Then hit the showers again.
6. If someone is taking you from behind, just start rapping “the Super Bowl Shuffle.”
7. Don’t call it an orgasm or that you’re about to have one. Keep it normal and not weird by saying stuff like, “I’m gonna submit my tax return” or “here comes the milkman.”
8. If you forget any of these tips and have sex, you can still make it not weird by just handing the other person twenty dollars and saying, “Thanks, bruh.” Now you’re both thinking about money and not whatever you just did to each other.
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