Self-proclaimed “King of the Nerds” tells you his thoughts on everything from Batman to Dungeons and Dragons. Maybe you should listen.

In an exclusive interview, we talk to a man who says he’s the King of the Nerds and that he’ll take down anyone who challenges him for the crown.
 
INTERVIEWER: Tell us a little about yourself.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Before I even get into introducing myself I want to start by saying this (pulls out a scroll, unravels it and reads): “If you don’t know what you’re talking about when it comes to comics, movies, fantasy role-playing games, or any other aspect of the glorious world of nerddom, then stop reading now or, better yet, just SHUT THE FUCK UP and listen.” 
 
INTERVIEWER: Did you just read that off a scroll?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Yeah.
 
INTERVIEWER: Pretty nerdy.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Thanks.
 
INTERVIEWER: So, you proclaim that you’re the King of the Nerds. Why have I never heard of you?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: I’ve laid dormant like a Godzilla for a while now, trying to mind my own business while I paint lead figurines and collect boxes of nerd memorabilia to jack off to, but I finally had to rise out of my cave to thwart and smite all those who would claim my title as King of the Nerds.
 
INTERVIEWER: Are there a lot of people who claim that title?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Have you ever been to Comicon or used the internet?
 
INTERVIEWER: I’ve used the internet.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Lots of nerds. Lots. And they all want to be king.
 
INTERVIEWER: What does it take to be the king?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: You need to know everything about all nerdy subjects, but not physics and stuff like that. Just comic books and Star Wars shit.
 
INTERVIEWER: Star Wars shit?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Hold on. I need to make a statement.
 
INTERVIEWER:  O.K.?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Hear ye, hear ye, my jester doth pronounce. Blake Stone is the official King of the Nerds. 
 
INTERVIEWER: Your name is Blake Stone?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: I know, my name doesn’t sound as nerdy as it should. Robot voice. Darth Vader. Now how does it sound, motherfucker? We can’t all win the name lottery and be called Myron or Joffrey. So what if my moniker is that of a spy who fucks hot women while he beats ass? That’s not me. Mandalorian. Silver Surfer.
 
INTERVIEWER: You seem kind of angry.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: I’m angry because I’m such a nerd.
 
INTERVIEWER: And that makes you angry?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: High school sucked. It affected me. Made me bitter.
 
INTERVIEWER: Were you picked on a lot?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Fucking lost the state championship game.
 
INTERVIEWER: In Chess or something?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: No.
 
INTERVIEWER:  In comic book trivia? Is there a state championship in that?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: No! If there was a state championship in comic book trivia I’d have fucking won!
 
INTERVIEWER: All right, calm down. It’s all right. What state championship are you talking about?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Football. What else is there a state championship in?
 
INTERVIEWER: Why was the high school football team so important to you? 
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Because I was the fucking captain? Duh?
 
INTERVIEWER: Wait. You were the captain of the football team?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Hobbit. 
 
INTERVIEWER: What?
 
KING OF THE NERDS:  Swordplay.
 
INTERVIEWER: I don’t understand.
 
KING OF THE NERDS:  Let’s talk about how nobody knows nerd shit like I do.
 
INTERVIEWER: O.K. Who was the best Joker? What’s your opinion on that?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Steve Miller?
 
INTERVIEWER: What?
 
KING OF THE NERDS:  Next question.
 
INTERVIEWER: Uh… D.C. or Marvel?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: D.C.
 
INTERVIEWER: Interesting. Why?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Dungeon hunter.
 
INTERVIEWER: What?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Dungeon master.
 
INTERVIEWER: I don’t understand.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Because you’re not a big enough nerd.
 
INTERVIEWER: Do you know anything about any of this stuff?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Predator.
 
INTERVIEWER: You’re just saying things you think are nerdy.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Pocket protector.
 
INTERVIEWER: That’s just stupid.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Laser gun.
 
INTERVIEWER: Laser gun? Why are you doing all this? Why are you pretending you know anything about being a nerd?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Because I’m King of the Nerds.
 
INTERVIEWER: You’re maybe six foot three and you look like a male model.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: So?
 
INTERVIEWER: You look like you’ve never been picked on in your life.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: So?
 
INTERVIEWER: So, I don’t think you can really relate to being a nerd, let alone being the king of all nerds.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Don’t tell me what I can’t be.
 
INTERVIEWER: I’m just saying why not pick something else to be?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: I’m the fucking king of the fucking nerds.
 
INTERVIEWER: Maybe just talk about football and stuff like that. 
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Fuck you, nerd.
 
INTERVIEWER: What?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: I want to be king of you.
 
INTERVIEWER: Of me?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: I will beat your ass.
 
INTERVIEWER: Why?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Give me your lunch.
 
INTERVIEWER: My lunch?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Just messing with you. Hey Mr. Harney, I was just playing around with my friend here.
 
INTERVIEWER: Who’s Mr. Harney? What are you talking about?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Come on, Mr. Harney, I wasn’t picking on him or nothing. 
 
INTERVIEWER: Who are you talking about?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: We were just talking about… About comics and shit. I mean stuff. 
 
INTERVIEWER: I’m really lost here.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Sorry. What were we talking about?
 
INTERVIEWER: I think we might want to wrap this up.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Just tell Harney we’re friends.
 
INTERVIEWER: Who’s Harney?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: (Hissing) Just fucking tell him or I’ll beat your ass.
 
INTERVIEWER: Uh, Mr. Harney… Blake and I are friends.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: See? I told you, Harney. 
 
HARNEY: Is this true?
 
INTERVIEWER: Yeah. We’re just screwing around. Sorry.
 
HARNEY: Good, because we don’t tolerate bullies.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: I hate bullies.
 
HARNEY: You boys stay out of trouble.
 
INTERVIEWER: Yes, sir.
 
(Harney leaves).
 
INTERVIEWER: How did we just go back to high school? Did you do that? 
 
KING OF THE NERDS: I told you I’m the King of the Nerds.
​
INTERVIEWER: But I didn’t even go to high school with you. 
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Now you do.
 
INTERVIEWER: Can we leave now?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: No. I don’t know how to do that.
 
INTERVIEWER: How to get back to reality?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Yeah, that.
 
INTERVIEWER: Jesus christ. We’re stuck here? I don’t even know where we are. Where do I live?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: I guess with your parents?
 
INTERVIEWER: I’m going to mark this down as the worst interview ever.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Here comes Harney again. 
 
INTERVIEWER: This sucks.
 
KING OF THE NERDS: If he asks what happened to your car, say that I didn’t do it.
 
INTERVIEWER: What car? And what did you do to it?
 
KING OF THE NERDS: Just say you don’t know who did it.
 
INTERVIEWER: Fine. 

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