The Intergalactic Business Report’s Secret Report always offers stories that are sure to astound, baffle, and even mentally harm our readers. But today, we reveal something so shocking and unreal that it will, in essence, wreck the brains of anyone reading it. So, beware as you continue on.
New research, commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report, offers new, conclusive evidence that William Shakespeare is an ancient “death sprite” sent from the 16th century to ruin our happiness. We break it down for you below:
ORIGINS OF THE “DEATH SPRITE” THEORY
For years, writers and editors at the Intergalactic Business Report had a strange feeling that something was off about the works of William Shakespeare. They felt it odd that so many “plays” could be written that were so boring and impossible to understand but that were, at the same time, praised and held up by hapless nerds as the greatest thing they had ever read.
One of our editors talked with a “Shakespeare scholar” and couldn’t help but notice the dead look in his eyes as he pretended to be excited about words, plays, and characters he rattled off as if he were being told to do so by some ungodly, distant being. As he spoke, this “scholar” seemed to also mouth the words, “Help me” between reciting prancy language he had memorized, like a word slave to his master.
THE THEORY DEVELOPS FURTHER
Nobody had ever heard of the term, “death sprite,” but it seemed appropriate as our editors began discussing the eerie people who followed Shakespeare as if he were their controller. Someone suggested that maybe Shakespeare was a supernatural creature with a medieval/renaissance sounding name and that he could control people’s minds and make them do stupid things for him. That sounded good and we went with it. But what would we call this creature? Someone yelled, “Death sprite.” We went with that too.
HOW DOES THE “DEATH SPRITE” OPERATE?
It was soon clear to any reasonable person that Shakespeare was indeed a supernatural creature who came from the 16th century with malicious intent. The question remained, however, about what he was doing here, in our century, and why. While there is no formal or informal scholarship about death sprites, we were able to assume some very obvious facts.
1. All of Shakespeare’s works are crazy madness, imagined by this death sprite in order to confuse us with their flouncy nonsense.
2. Many weak-minded people have succumbed to the death sprite and now do his bidding as actors, set designers, and directors of his “plays.” These death sprite minions no longer control their own souls, minds, or destinies, and instead slavishly recite the insane verses of their master.
3. When you hear someone quote Shakespeare, they are attempting to make you a minion too.
4. The death sprite’s ultimate goal is simply to make all of us look stupid, by having us quote him and pretend that makes us smart, and by pretending to be moved or unable to contain our laughter at one of his nonsensical and unfunny “plays.”
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO AVOID BEING CONTROLLED BY THE DEATH SPRITE?
Not much, but you are probably in luck if you find Shakespeare impossible to understand. This means you are not as susceptible to the death sprite’s considerable charms and powers.
This doesn’t mean you are safe, however. Each year, school teachers, controlled by the death sprite, attempt to force students to bow down to Shakespeare by telling them he was a “genius” and that they should try their hardest to “understand” what he’s talking about in his plays. Of course, the words they read are sheer and utter madness, but some students begin believing that the words make sense. This is when they become subservient to the death sprite.
While we will continue working on solutions and ways to combat the death sprite, the only practical escape we can recommend at this time is to make loud noises, cover your ears, and run when someone talks about or performs Shakespeare in front of you. Maybe take your pants off too. (We’re still working on this.)
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