After watching t.v. shows about alternative realities for almost 72 hours, I began to wonder if it was possible for me to travel to another version of our universe. This is what I discovered:
1. The t.v. show “Sliders” is about a group of people who keep “sliding” through different historical realities. They have to keep “sliding” till they get back home and I can’t remember if they ever do. In my version of that show, I “slide” out of my pants while I’m at an airport and security tries to arrest me, but then I just disappear and go to another reality where they try to arrest me again, and so on, till I land in a world where it’s cool to take your pants off in the airport.
2. In the “Man in the High Castle,” the Nazis won the war and now rule America. It sucks. In “The Penis in my Pants,” which is the version of the show I would do, my penis has won the war and immediately becomes bigger than ever before—maybe even nine to ten inches.
3. In “the Hobbit,” I guess the world has hobbits? This is the one that really throws me off. I keep wondering if it’s possible to somehow go to that world and if my penis would be hobbit-sized or if I would have the same size penis I do now but it would seem like a massive dong compared to all the hobbit people, which would make me a porn star or something?
4. In “the Golden Girls,” everyone is old and lives in a nursing home (I think?). Would my penis even work in that world? I really hope I never “slide” there.
5. In “The Walking Dead,” everyone has a disease that makes them turn into zombies when they die. I guess in that world, no one really cares if you walk around in an airport with no pants on. So that’s good I guess?
6. I haven’t actually watched “Downton Abbey,” but it looks like it takes place in an alternative universe where people live in a huge house in the middle of nowhere and all become butlers. I assume everyone there is trying to leave their reality as much as I’m trying to leave my reality. And I also assume if I ever get there it would be a like a “switch” where one of the butlers would high-five me as we passed and say, “Good luck,” or something. Then I’d look down and see we also switched penises and that now I have a butler penis.
7. The show “Friends” features an alternative universe where people in their twenties have 2,000 square foot open concept apartments in Manhattan and meet at a coffee shop instead of working. I assume the men here have penises, like me. That’s really as far as I got with this one.
8. Finally, “Penis world” is a show that’s invented in the future so no one here has ever heard of it. In this universe my penis rules over all other penises. It’s a fair ruler although sometimes it freaks out and kills a lot of the other penises and then feels bad about it and starts worrying it will be overthrown because of its cruelty. But as it starts to worry more, it comes to the conclusion that it has to kill more penises before they rise up (so to speak) against it. So it kills more penises, and so on. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.