That Monolith in Utah is a what???? We reveal the real truth.

By now, you have probably heard about the Utah Monolith, the nine-and-a-half foot mysterious structure found in a national park in Utah. Theories abound over its origin and meaning but all of those are wrong. Using science and research, the Intergalactic Business Report narrows down the actual truth about the shiny object with four primary theories, one of which we can calculate to be 100% true. 
 
How can we be so sure? We used an advanced algorithm to calculate theoretical probabilities and pointed it at the Utah Monolith. Our program, based on science and reason, showed us only four answers. Here they are:
 
 
MONOLITH THEORY ONE:
The monolith is an average-sized robot penis that was released as a warning to our planet.
 
HOW THE THEORY WORKS:
You would think that hostile alien races would come up with a better way to               intimidate us, but apparently this is what they do instead. It’s their way of saying, “Hey, we’ve got robots with huge dicks. This isn’t even a big one. We’re going to drop it in the   desert and when you find it you’ll be all like, what???”
 
WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: 
We calculate that humankind has between 70 and 80 million years to evolve into creatures with massive, nine-foot dongs. If we can, when the aliens return, they will simply salute us, which they do with their penises.
 
 
MONOLITH THEORY TWO:
It’s a “power up” block that we have to somehow run through.
 
HOW THE THEORY WORKS:
If we can figure out a way to pass through it with our bodies, it will disappear but also give us new energy.
 
WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: 
This would open the possibility of picking up ammo and weapons that are lying around and having them automatically appear in your backpack. Shit. Maybe we just need to have the right backpack?
 

MONOLITH THEORY THREE:
The monolith belongs to the mafia. 

HOW THE THEORY WORKS: 
You betta stop messin’ around with dat friggin’ monolith or we’s gonna whacks yous.
 
WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: 
Mafia grammar is worse than we thought.
 

​MONOLITH THEORY FOUR:
The monolith only exists for those who truly believe in the spirit of Christmas.
 
HOW THE THEORY WORKS:
​If you’re a bad person who hates the holidays, it is impossible for you to see the   monolith? We kind of ran out of ideas. Sorry.
 
WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: 
The true spirit of Christmas is inside us all? 

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