Predictive modeling is a thing scientists and researchers do and it gives us a crystal-clear picture of exactly what will happen in the future—almost like the way witchcraft and soothesayery (?) works.
Because of our deep interest in science and being able to see into the future, the Intergalactic Business Report commissioned a study to pinpoint what will be the absolute worst year for human beings. The answer stunned us. And it will stun you too. Here are the nine essential details:
1. The year 2023 will be the worst year to be a human being. On February 17, explorers will accidentally uncover an enormous hole in the Earth in the Antarctic. While the hole won’t spell the end of our existence, it will function effectively as a gigantic butthole that has been holding in a fart for about a billion years.
2. The “fart” will be released a few days later. The “Earth butthole” as it will be called, will finally fart now that it has been given its freedom. The first fart will form a cloud over most of the planet that will block out the sun for several days.
3. The “fart cloud” will not destroy our planet. That’s the good news. The bad news is that on March 4, the cloud will produce “fart rain” that will pour over most of the Earth. Fart rain will be like rain, only it will really be watery poop, like diarrhea or something.
4. “Fart floods” will devastate Midwest America. Mostly because the Mississippi River will essentially become a huge turd funnel, stretching through the middle of the country. As it overflows, communities will be covered in feces.
5. After the fart floods end, the Earth will quickly get back to normal but everyone will be unhappy and traumatized. After being rained upon by a literal “shit storm,” humans will begin to feel like they shouldn’t even try anymore. The consensus thought will be: “We worked all these years, and in the end, we just get shit on.”
6. Some guy named “Randolph” starts a religion about it. He sets up some kind of temple by the fart orifice and has a t.v. show that everyone seems to watch. It’s really depressing because the whole program is basically him talking about farts, which is entertaining for the first couple episodes, but then it gets really really boring.
7. The ratings for Randolph’s show are so high that they quickly eliminate all other programming. So, basically, the only entertainment is Randolph talking about the butt crack in the Earth and how he hopes it farts again.
8. By the end of 2023, basically everyone on Earth is worshipping a butt in the Antarctic, making this the worst year to ever be a human. It even beats the year 2672, when we get enslaved by Aliens.
9. Good news. 2024 goes back to normal, pretty much, partially because Randolph falls inside the butt crevice on his 2023 New Year’s special.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.