A recent Intergalactic Business Report article was deemed so shitty by one of our readers that it actually wasted his “life energy” as he continued to read and wait for something to make it worth reading. Unfortunately, after finishing the entire piece, he discovered there was no punchline and that the article had absolutely no value to him in any way. This depleted his life energy that could have been spent doing almost anything else.
When confronted with this news, IBR supreme editor Dusty Latouffe offered his condolences to the reader and his family, saying, “We regret that this reader lost life energy because of our shitty article. We hope he will recover and gain back some of it so he can read more of our shitty articles.”
When asked whether this was an isolated incident, Latouffe admitted that many of IBR’s articles contain shit so shitty that they regularly suck life energy out of readers, leaving them weak and frustrated after reading them. Only a few, however, have the courage to actually post something on Facebook afterwards, calling out the absolute shittiness of the article for everyone to see.
“Sometimes,” Latouffe said, “readers will see a headline and think to themselves, O.K., I’ll read that. Maybe there will be a punchline or at least something making this worth it to read. Then they’ll get to the end and find absolutely nothing. At that point, their life energy levels are so low they die right there. Once in a while, we see someone strong enough to continue on and start posting stuff about how shitty we are.”
Latouffe added that there are no current plans to end even the shittiest articles or shitty writing. Punchlines or satisfying endings to articles will also not be in the budget for the coming year, and readers will need to expend more life energy each time they waste their time reading IBR content.
This has major implications for the future of mankind as well, Latouffe points out. “Many of our readers, like the one pointing out how shitty we are, could have been spending their time researching the cure for cancer, solving the Middle East crisis, or just getting really really drunk. Now that time is gone forever.”
If you have read an Intergalactic Business Report article at interglalacticbiz.com and feel your life energy has been severely depleted, please send us a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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