According to legend, a “cane of truth” is the only object powerful enough to hold the devil in a cage or room where you could block the door with a cane.
If you read the Intergalactic Business Report, you know that we often encounter the devil and at times need to try to contain him in a cell so that the dark lord cannot prevail over the world. During times when everything seems to be going pretty well on the planet, you can attribute it to us having once again captured the devil and imprisoned him.
How do we hold the devil in his cage? We started with ordering a cane of truth from the internet. Here’s what we found:
1. The “cane of truth” isn’t listed as a cane of truth on the internet. Instead, it’s just called a “walking cane,” and you have no idea which one is the real cane of truth until you buy like two thousand of them. We did this.
2. If it’s a fake cane of truth, the devil can easily remove it from his cage and walk away. We found this out the hard way after the devil just kind of lifted the cane and walked out of the various cages and traps we had built to contain him. As he exited, he would often give us a ghoulish stare and say things like, “You people are fucking crazy. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
3. The cane of truth doesn’t make you more truthful if you hold it. We were able to lie freely while possessing it. We would even make up stuff just to see if something would happen. We told people on the streets that we had foot long dicks and that we could fly. If anything, we found the cane of truth frightened people who encountered it, as long as one of us was holding it and screaming about our penises.
4. The cane of truth is not recommended for food preparation. It has no solid edges, and tends to “smoosh” meat, cheese, and pastries. We would also not recommend it as an eating utensil, though we were able to pierce a hot dog for a moment before it broke apart and fell on the floor. Maybe use a fork or spoon instead.
5. Conclusion: We are almost one-hundred percent certain we own the actual cane of truth from the bible. However, because of cost concerns, we’ve decided it’s just too expensive to actively hunt the devil and thus test our cane. At this point, we’ve just kind of said that if we do encounter him, we’ll make the call about whether or not to imprison him. We also found there’s some legal stuff involved when the devil claims he’s not the devil and you have to explain to authorities that he is, and then the devil shows them an ID that has a name and address on it and the cops think that means he’s not the devil—just because he has a fake name and address. Whatever.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.