Of all the coolest-sounding things you could ever buy, a “mask of jesus” has to be the best. After all, it claims to offer the wearer the power to heal anyone of anything as well as bring total peace and understanding to his or her body and mind. We bought one off the internet. Here’s what we found:
1. The mask itself doesn’t really resemble Jesus. We’d say it looks more like a scary clown. But we also guess that Jesus can take any form he wants, so for this one, he chose “scary clown.”
2. There is a feeling of enlightenment and calm upon wearing the mask. Especially if you’re a person who is generally calm and feels enlightened. In that case, the mask totally makes the owner pick up those vibes.
3. As we walked down the street wearing the mask, we felt like no one suspected we were Jesus. Instead, people stepped out of the way and tried to avoid us, sometimes in terror. Which, come to think of it, might be how people would react if they saw Jesus on the street. Especially if he were wearing a clown mask.
4. The healing powers of the mask are strong? We don’t know because we had trouble finding any sick people since we were stopped by security at the hospital and asked to leave in very strong terms. We assume this was because doctors could sense the supernatural healing elements of the mask and did not want to lose business. We did consider opening our own “Jesus Mask Hospital” where people would just walk in and be instantly healed, but we couldn’t agree on the name because some of us kept asking, “why not just name it Jesus Hospital” and others would say, “because it’s the Jesus Mask, not Jesus, that does that healing.” That went back and forth for hours, so we quit the idea.
5. The Jesus mask gets super hot if you wear it for a long time. Remember trick-or-treating while wearing a rubbery scary clown mask? Remember how fucking hot it got inside and how you kept thinking to yourself, “what’s the point of wearing this thing?" Yeah. That’s how it is with the mask of Jesus too.
6. It is almost impossible to eat while wearing the mask. This continues to be an issue for our testers whenever they wear something over their faces. We did find small breathing holes in the mask, and these allowed us to fit a straw through to the mouth hole of our mask wearer. Kind of a shitty way to be fed, but it’s better than starving.
7. Conclusion. If you’re into healing and feeling pretty good about yourself and aren’t super hungry and have a high tolerance for facial heat, the mask of Jesus is a pretty good bet. We paid over three thousand dollars for ours, so we assume there are better deals out there. Shop around a little. On the other hand, maybe we got a super cheap one, so be prepared to pay more, we guess.
*”Jesus” was in lower-case letters on the package, so we made it upper case for the headline, out of respect. Then someone said maybe it was just some guy’s name (Jesus) and not Jesus Christ. But then we decided that even if it was, it would still be capitalized, right?
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.