As we’ve done many times in the past, the Intergalactic Business Report investigates curious and mythical objects we find on the internet. Our task is simple. We identify an object, find it online, and then purchase and review it for you.
This week we bought a UFO space commander’s helmet, and this is what we found:
1. It’s hard to certify that the helmet belonged to an actual commander. Our team originally went looking for a simple UFO or space helmet, but some members were adamant we get one that belonged to a commander or general. This made things quite a bit harder, because it was difficult enough to find a UFO helmet, let alone one worn by a leader. We talked with several sellers around the world who would say things like, “Oh yeah, sure, this one was worn by a commander,” but we didn’t totally believe them. Finally, a contact named Albert convinced us that his was the real deal because he charged 25 grand more than the others. This, it seemed, was pretty good evidence that his helmet was more likely legit. We tried to ask him more about the origins and history of the piece, but he said some shit in Russian.
2. Aliens must have huge fucking heads. When we received the helmet, it was gigantic and we could almost fit two people’s heads inside. This led us to speculate that perhaps UFO space creatures shared the helmet, so we sent two team members out on the street to simulate a land battle with random civilians. The civilians easily won, as our interns could not coordinate their attacks or even really walk in a coherent direction while jammed inside the helmet, leaving them open for nut punches and depantsing, which left them humiliated and defeated. Also, we couldn’t get the helmet off them for maybe fourteen hours and at one point gave up and left them near some warm garbage while we regenerated at Taco Bell.
3. The UFO helmets are made in China, which means the Chinese are aligned with the aliens. This was perhaps our most shocking discovery, as we found tiny letters on the outside of the helmet saying it was made in China. This totally busts the Chinese for collusion with UFOs and we hope someone has the balls to fucking investigate, even though they probably won’t and it’ll be left to us, as usual…
4. The UFO helmet can easily fit an entire order of nachos but will tilt a little bit to the side if you set it on a couch while you’re eating. We recommend you kind of squeeze it between two people in order to keep it in place. Those two people would have to share the nachos and anyone else would probably need to ask their permission to have some.
5. If worn too long, the helmet will drive you insane. As we found out when our interns couldn’t get their heads out and spent the night in an alley and had their pants stolen. When we finally picked them up the next day, they had given in to madness, shouting crazy things to us like, “Where the fuck were you guys? I thought you said you were getting help?” and, “How were you at Taco Bell for fourteen hours?”
6. Conclusion: The UFO Space Commander’s helmet is probably real and can summon an alien armada if we can figure out how the buttons work. One button, when pushed, makes an alarm sound. Another makes a beeping noise. We feel strongly that if we can push these buttons in the correct order and combination, we will be able to call spaceships from around the universe who will be loyal to us and pretty much ask if we want them to take over the planet for us. Don’t worry. We’ll say no probably.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.