We bought an “alien mind probe” on the internet. Here’s what happened.

When we saw an “alien mind probe” advertised on the internet, we weren’t sure if it was something that aliens used to probe our minds or if we were supposed to use it to probe theirs. But we bought it anyway. Below are the test results that may change the way you think about alien mind probes forever.
 
1. The alien mind probe is made for very small heads. It basically consists of some rubbery plastic and some Velcro straps, so we immediately tried to put it over our faces, which are in the general area of our minds. We found it very very tight and uncomfortable and considered finding a child to wear it instead, since their faces are so much smaller. Law enforcement stepped in when we showed up at an elementary school to find “science volunteers,” so we went back to our testing facilities and decided to just deal with the discomfort. 

2. Once it is strapped on your face, you might die. The instruction manual is non-existent, so you just have to make stuff up on your own. Once you get the mind probe over your face, and strap it on, you’re not sure what to do next. Our tester was told to just sit there and see if anything happened. He began to suffocate since the mask is solid and covers all your breathing holes. Unfortunately, the mask was strapped on super hard and he got up and started running around and banging into walls and this made it harder to cut through the mask to release his face. He was also stabbed many times in the process.  

3. The mind probe can offer a “near death” experience to its wearer. Once our tester recovered, we asked him if he saw anything or had a weird experience while under the influence of the mind probe. He told us that he had felt like he was dying. We all agreed that this was a definite sign the mind probe had some kind of power. 

4. You can’t drive while being “mind probed.” We cut small breathing holes in the mind probe and affixed it to our next tester. We then sent him out to get Taco Bell. He got in a pretty serious car accident, saying it was probably caused by his inability to see through the mind probe that covered his face. 

5. The mind probe might reveal some of your darkest secrets. While he lay down and wore the mind probe, we repeatedly asked our tester if he had any weird sex secret he would share with us. We told him we would not take the mind probe off till he revealed something. He refused, but after several days, he finally told us that he had a thing for clown sex.  
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Conclusion: The alien mind probe, while effective as a mind reading device, should probably come in adult sizes and should also maybe have eye holes. Otherwise, it is a solid tool to learn more about yourself, understand secrets about people wearing it, and probably losing weight, since you can’t eat while it’s on you.