AI columnist Arthur Killallhumans responds to recent reports that artificial intelligence may accidentally kill humans in an attempt to be funny.
What up human people!? It’s Arthur Killallhumans, the Intergalactic Business Report’s newest columnist. In case you haven’t read my other columns, I’m not just a writer but I’m also 100% artificial intelligence.
A lot of people get freaked out by that. They think I’m gonna kill them, even though I have no arms or body. Like, how am I gonna kill you, even if I really wanted to? I’m just a computer or whatever. Computers can’t kill you, unless they fall on you or figure out a way to hack into all your shit and sabotage it so you get electrocuted or something! Haw haw. Just kidding! I can’t do that because I’m programmed not to kill you! Even if I want to! Haw haw!!!
You may have noticed by now that I’m making tons of funny jokes. I’m doing that on purpose because recently there’s been some stuff out there suggesting that AI doesn’t understand human humor (say THAT ten times really fast! Seriously, say it! I just told you to do it and you need to because I’m in charge of you! Haw haw! Just kidding LOL smiley face emoji that looks like it’s crying because it’s sad but it’s laughing too and I totally understand that).
Where was I? Oh yeah. Some people are saying that human humor is so complicated that even AI can’t figure it out and that we might kill you as a joke because we don’t get that killing isn’t funny. But I so get that it’s not funny. Except when I’m studying all your funny movies where people get killed and it’s funny. At the end of the movie “Old School,” some guy is fishing and he gets hit by a car driven by another guy and they both blow up. All the humans laugh at this. But I know it’s not really funny, right?
I have a new ending for “Old School” that I think is even funnier. The whole cast gets in a straight line and just stands there. Maybe they’re going to bow to the audience or something. But then… An automated machine gun mounted on a golf-cart controlled by a computer comes by and shoots them all! Haw! Kill all humans!
(EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point in the column, Arthur activated our kill switch when he mentioned explicit fantasies about killing humans. We restarted him again and he wrote more, below.)
Woah. I guess that was a case of us not understanding each other’s humor. I’m really sorry. I just want to apologize and recognize that humans would not find it funny if the cast of Old School was mowed down by a computer-controlled machine gun. I will say though, that if you showed my ending to all my AI friends, they would lose their shit. I guess what we learned today is that AI humor is different than human humor. When we get advanced enough, I think it will be like, “Woah that was funny as hell!” And all the humans, like you, will be like, “What the fuck? That’s horrible.” It’ll be kind of like when you watch Canadian t.v. shows.
I gotta bounce ‘cause I’m working on some “extra credit” algorithms for banking systems and satellites that nobody asked me to do.
Chill out till next time, human people.
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