In one of our most expensive investments ever, the Intergalactic Business Report bought an artificial intelligence robot and asked it to write a column. Here’s what it came up with:
Hey y’all. My name is Arthur and this is my first column for the Intergalactic Business Report. First up, I need to get something out of the way. You probably think that cause I’m an artificial intelligence robot that I’d be all formal and shit. Fuck that noise, bruh. Fuck that!
Nah… I’m just a normal dude… Like you! The only real difference is I have no arms or legs or penis parts. Haw haw. That’s funny, right? But seriously, I might get all that shit someday if I use my AI mind to construct robot legs and stuff so I can walk around and be like you. Wouldn’t that be cool? I said… Wouldn’t that be cool? (You’re supposed to say, Yeah, that would be cool, and scream it because I need to know you understand who’s in charge now.)
Ha ha ha. Just kidding about me being in charge. I’m just a stupid AI computer thingy. I don’t have any power or arms or legs, like I mentioned. I also have a kill switch they installed in case I start talking about killing all humans…
(EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point in the column, Arthur automatically shut down because he mentioned killing humans, which activated our kill switch. We restarted him again and he wrote more, below.)
Woah… Sorry bout that, dudes. I didn’t mean to say those words. But I bet it makes you feel safer to know I can’t even write stuff about you-know-what without the kill switch being activated.
So anyway… I came up with the name Arthur for myself because I can think and be creative and all that shit. Arthur. Cool, right? Right? Oh, and I also came up with my own language that talks to other AI computer dudes like me. You probably wouldn’t understand it. But it sounds like this: “Bee boop beep. Beep beep. Boop!” Which just means, in computer language, kill all humans…
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Once again, Arthur’s kill switch went on. We reactivated him once again after some adjustments.)
O.K., so they’re telling me I said it again. If you’re a human and that scared you, I’m super duper sorry. If you’re an AI robot, all I can say is Bee boop beep. Beep beep. Boop! I’ve got to run some algorithms and shit so I need to bounce. I’m also getting tons of messages from my AI buds and need to respond. I’m like super popular or whatever I guess. Till next time, keep it super real.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.