For decades, the Canadians have sat atop North America, peering down on us from their frosty perch, leaving Americans to wonder what these creatures from the uncanny valley want from us. The Intergalactic Business Report has finally learned what that is, and it is truly horrifying.
As reported in our exposé on Ryan Reynolds, the Intergalactic Business Report has learned that Canada, land of politeness and home improvement shows where people talk about “living in the city” but they won’t say which city it is and you don’t recognize it and then they start talking about soaker tubs and how they need a room for their hockey equipment… Anyway… They’re up to something.
Below, we break down the Canadian plot for domination that threatens us all.
Each Canadian has a non-biological American “twin” who resembles him or her in almost every way except for mispronouncing words and pretentiousness disguised as good manners. As long as the twins are separated, the American usually finds success and happiness, while the Canadian bitterly resents him from afar.*
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Sometime in adolescence, we believe, Canadians are shown their American counterpart and told that if they can eliminate him, they will gain all of his life force and energy, in essence making the Canadian finally “normal” and successful. This would include giving him the power to say the word “about” and use the correct emphasis in words like “process” and even to stop using words like “process.”
THE HUNT BEGINS:
Dana Carvey, Michael J. Fox, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Ryan Gosling, Martin Short, Dan Aykroyd… They all eliminated their Americans and found success. Michael Cera and Seth Rogen obviously are still searching.
THE THREAT TO YOU:
If you’re still alive, it means there is a Canadian who may be coming for you. If you’ve already been removed, then it is too late.
THE WARNING SIGNS:
Do you notice someone wearing flannel who seems to always be nearby? At the grocery story? At the gas station? Do friends ever say things like, “I thought I saw you at the gas station?” But it wasn’t you? Do they ever remark about how they saw someone who looks exactly like you, only they had something wrong with the way they spoke and they smelled like a beaver pelt?
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Clearly, most of us are fucked. But for the few who are alert, there is still a chance for survival. If people in your neighborhood start playing street hockey, their taste in music suddenly sucks, their sense of humor is Eugene Levy, and their money is worth a fraction of yours, the Canadians are active in your community and you need to leave, immediately, which poses a problem because most Americans, when told they need to leave immediately, usually try to go to Canada. Don’t do that. It’s a trap.
*It's kind of like the movie "Us" if it was made by David Cronenburg.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.