Ed Mountaineer’s relationship with celebrities is something he rarely discusses unless we ask him to. Today he breaks his silence by revealing the heartbreaking reasons he will never work with actor Ryan Reynolds.
(From Ed Mountaineer):
Ever since my column about Mark Wahlberg, people have asked me if there are any other celebrities I refuse to work with. I usually laugh and pretend I can’t hear the question or put food in my mouth so quickly that each word I spew back to them is accompanied by a piece of hot dog hitting their face, but I am tired of evading the question any longer. Yes, there is one person other than Mark who I will NEVER work with and you may be surprised to learn that he is Ryan Reynolds.
I think the reason I’ve kept this so quiet is because as soon as I mention that name (Ryan Reynolds) everybody starts gasping and freaking out and saying stuff like, “Ryan Reynolds!!!! No way! No Way! No fucking way! He’s so nice! He’s so funny! He’s so fucking perfect!”
It’s kind of like when people would say those things about Hitler. They knew they were going to get killed or something if they didn’t profess love for him and in a way they were warning people to never say a bad thing about Hitler or he’d try to take over the world and murder everyone, and if you don’t understand that then you haven’t ever read a history book or known Ryan Reynolds.
Anyway… Instead of going into a long story about Ryan Reynolds, I think I’ll just list the reasons I can’t and won’t ever work with him. Here they are:
1. Ryan Reynolds and I have no relationship whatsoever. This hampers any effort I could make to work with him even if I wanted to, which I don’t.
2. I am a person who doesn’t “make a living” being an actor or being involved with the “movie industry.” Guess who’s the opposite of that? Sucky Ryan Reynolds.
3. If our paths crossed, I believe a curse would be activated on an innocent person neither of us knew. I won’t do that to anyone, so I will never go near Ryan Reynolds.
4. Never going near someone makes it almost impossible to work with them. Besides the curse, there is also the issue of the proximity I have to Ryan Reynolds, which is nowhere near him. How can I work with someone I can’t see, smell, or touch? Ryan Reynolds is what I call the “invisible enemy.”
5. I don’t know Ryan Reynolds’ location. He changes it all the time too, I’m sure. A simple solution would be for him to allow me to track him through Find My Friends or Life 360, but guess who won’t do that? Yes, of course. Ryan Reynolds won’t do that.
6. Ryan Reynolds looks like a person who drinks “fitness shakes,” whatever those would be. Just a comment.
7. Like most Canadians, Ryan Reynolds has a non-biological identical American twin who he must kill like in Highlander. Someone’s life is in danger and if Ryan Reynolds eliminates him, then Ryan Reynolds will become twice as powerful. We can’t let that happen.
8. Ryan Reynolds sells gin and mobile phones. How do those things go together in any coherent way? Booty calls?
9. Ryan Reynolds seems like the kind of guy who if he did give you a booty call, he’d try to pretend it wasn’t really a booty call and he’d say something like, “Hey, Ed… What up, man? Are you awake? I’m just calling ‘cause I was thinking we could make gourmet pizzas together or something. I know it’s late… Yeah… I know… Sure… I’ll give you permission to access my location…”
10. There’s no way Ryan Reynolds doesn’t do that thing where when you talk to him he acts like he’s listening but he’s actually thinking, “I need to get away from this person immediately. How did he get inside my car?”
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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