The Intergalactic Business Report has always been first to tell you about deadly creatures who threaten your lives. Just think back to the Mongolian Death Worm and the ongoing terror it brings the world.
But, just like after you’ve watched the same shit on t.v. for so long that you just decide to change the channel, we are moving on to a new creature we’ve seen slithering through America and which is poised to take over your yard, your home, and maybe your body.
“Genetomorph” is the name we’ve given this monster, because it is scientific-sounding and has to do with changing shapes and genetics, which may or may not have to do with what this beast is all about. What we do know is that it was probably designed in a lab and is now on the loose, and you need to get your shit together now or face certain death.
Luckily for you, we’ve outlined seven precautions you can take today that limit your chances of having your life instantly ended.
1. Stay drunk. The power of the Genetomorph grows as it consumes victims and takes in their intelligence, physical strength, and creativity. The Genetomorph is confused by drunk people because they make no sense. With its scientific, logical (but ruthless and evil) mind, the Genetomorph seeks humans who make rational decisions, such as walk to their car in a parking lot, or eat dinner at six p.m. Drunks, on the other hand, may decide to run somewhere instead of drive, because some other drunk bet him he couldn’t make it across town in under twenty minutes, or eat at four o’clock a.m. The Genetomorph hates that.
2. Drive a Nissan or Xfiniti. The Genetomorph is terrified of herpes and other sexual diseases, so it will “steer” clear of anyone in a Nissan or Xfiniti, because they most likely have an STD. Probably one on their mouth.
3. Use portajohns to relieve yourself. Portable toilets are so nasty and morally disgusting that even a creature dedicated to sucking the life out of humans and destroying our planet finds them too gross to enter or even be near. Count on a several mile radius of Genetomorph-free area around any of these.
4. Drink Michelob ultra-light beer. This crappy, watery beer is like poison to the Genetomorph whose palate craves virtually anything else. Even water with actual piss in it.
5. Say confusing shit inside your head. Make it really hard for the Genetomorph to meld with your mind by constantly thinking the craziest shit you can. For instance, think the word “clown.” Then picture yourself riding a raccoon. Then think, “Boobie.” And so on.
6. Test to see if others have been taken over by a Genetomorph by de-pantsing them. If you pull down the pants of a person whose been taken over by a Genetomorph, they’ll just freeze and then slowly pull their pants up. If the person is Genetomorph free, they’ll say, “What the fuck are you doing?” and hit you.
7. Act like you’re a super big deal and that everyone around you is a piece of shit by comparison. This one usually works well too because even Genetomorphs won’t be able to stand being in your douchey body. To be safe, buy a Tesla too.
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