A new secret study conducted by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that, unbelievably, your fears about the Mongolian Death Worm are not only real and frightening, but probably the last fears you will ever have before being annihilated by a death worm that has been tracking and targeting you for years.
It is with great sorrow* that the Intergalactic Business Report releases this final and futile warning to you during your last days on Earth. We sincerely hope** that these five insights about the Mongolian Death Worm will allow you to escape your demise.
1. Your best friend is probably controlled by a Mongolian death worm. Have you noticed how your closest buddy doesn’t really seem to give a shit about you? How sometimes you’ll be venting or really opening up to him/her and all you see is a glassy, blank stare, and then you’re like, “hey, are you even listening?” and they’re like, “oh, yeah. Totally.” That’s because a Mongolian death worm has crawled inside their body and is staring through it at you, its unknowing prey.
2. If someone ever shortens the name of Champagne or pizza, and calls them “champ” or “za,” that’s a signal that there’s a Mongolian death worm nearby, but they don’t want to start screaming, so they say something so fucking stupid they hope you’ll catch on and say to yourself, “wait a second, could this person really be such a huge prick that he’s calling champagne ‘champ?’ Because nobody could be that huge of a prick.”
3. Your mom may be your only hope. As revealed in an earlier article, your mother won’t give up on the idea that she and the Mongolian Death Worm can have a relationship that could work. The death worm has tried to explain to her a million times that it doesn’t even really like human women (except in the sense that it likes killing them) but she won’t accept that and keeps saying that they should at least give it a chance. If you stay near your mother there is practically a zero percent chance of seeing a death worm, even though she’s constantly trying to find it.
4. A Mongolian death worm just told us to type this. All this stuff about death worms is overblown and made up. Stop worrying so much and go places alone, like the desert or parking garages.
5. If you’re still reading this, you probably are about to be decapitated by a Mongolian death worm. Reading is really the dumbest thing you can do right now. You should be running and not looking down at something. These are probably the last words you’ll ever read. If not, then go to your mom’s house immediately.
*Maybe “great” is a little strong. More like “with sorrow.” But, then again, if we’re being honest, we have our own problems, so it’s not really with any sorrow at all. More like, we’re just telling you this and if you want to read, then fine.
**It’s kind of insincere of us to say we “sincerely” hope for anything, because we really don’t. But it sounded better so we printed it.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.