Each time a new report appears about the Mongolian Death Worm, it seems impossible for the horror to get any worse. But then you read on and it is.
1. Your mom has probably had sex with a Mongolian Death Worm and never told you about it. Old letters and high school yearbooks have revealed that Mongolian Death Worms frequently had one night stands with women in the 1960’s, 70’s, and 80’s. Mongolian Death Worms do not consume alcohol, but would attend parties and pretend to be as drunk as everyone else there. Then they would opportunistically wait till your mom had too much to drink and say to her, “hey, do you wanna get out of here?” And your mom was so shit-faced, she said yes. To a worm.
2. In an extraordinarily lucky turn of events for your mom, the death worm was too tired to kill her because it was worn out after all the sex. Your mom could go all night long, especially after drinking a lot.
3. You probably are genetically related to one. Because of your mother’s irresponsible dalliances, it is probable that you carry a gene or two from the Mongolian Death Worm and that possibly one could be your father. That’s how genetics works, right?
4. We hate to go back to this, but why did your mom sleep with a death worm? How drunk was she?
5. When your mother and father were first dating and had a talk about how many people they had “hooked up” with, your mom didn’t count the death worm because it wasn’t a human. This seriously skewed her numbers, because she offered something really really low, while your dad kind of inflated his so that he seemed more experienced and cool. Add in that your mother also didn’t include Randy Treliak and his cousin that one night after homecoming and the numbers get even worse. In addition, your dad was counting “how many times” and not “how many people” and if your mom had counted how many times, it would have been at porn star levels.
6. The Mongolian Death Worm kind of got sick of hearing from your mom again and again, over the years, and seriously regretted accepting her friend request on Facebook and then responding to her on messenger. Your mom is still waiting to get the Mongolian Death Worm’s phone number so she can text him, but the death worm is considering just quitting Facebook in order to break the connection completely.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.