 Andrew and Tristan Tate. 16-year-old boys are into them, but not in that way. The Tate bros have built a social media/cam girl/online ed empire based in Romania, where they are currently under house arrest for… We don’t even know because we’re not 16 and don’t care about “personal responsibility” and “getting off our asses” and “being rich.”
Despite all that, the Intergalactic Business Report pitches ten awesome reality show ideas for the bros, all with built-in ratings and almost guaranteed second-season buys. Tates, take a look, these are all free for now, so hop on them soon… Concept one: “Tater Tots.” Andrew Tate has said he wants “25 children.” A new series called “Tater Tots” shows his progeny fight for physical and mental dominance over their father and his uncle, who are eventually put in an oppressive retirement home where they must break out and prevent Tater Tots Cyril and Sinjin from microwaving a homeless man. Concept two: “Impractical strokers.” Andrew Tate bears a striking resemblance to “Murr” from Impractical Jokers, if Murr were huge and got laid all the time. A “crossover” show has the two men switching lives for a month. Murr must manage the Tate empire while dating models and driving supercars, while Tate must wear wooden bowties and ask New Yorkers if their tongues fit in their mouths. When the time comes to return to their normal lives, they are given a choice to switch for good, fight to the death, or have sex with each other. Concept three: “Bottom G.” Andrew Tate is known as “Top G.” A new show, called “Bottom G” is about dudes who want him to have sex with him. Concept four: “Hot Bunny.” Tristan Tate is kind of like if Andrew Tate were Bugs Bunny when he dresses up like a woman and you think he’s kind of hot and then you’re like, how do I think a cartoon rabbit is hot? We don’t know where we’re going with this one, but maybe a cartoon where Andrew Tate dresses up like his brother to get out of shit. Like, for instance, they’re in Romanian prison and Andrew disguises as his “brother” and then tricks the guards into letting him out? And the guards are all drooling and doing that thing where they put their finger on their lips and move it up and down rapidly to make a “motor boat” sound. Concept five: “Tate Times One.” Following up on number four (above), we find out that the Tate brothers are actually just one guy. Concept six: “The Real Real World.” The Tate bros offer a business program called “the Real World,” to whoever would pay for that. A new reality series takes former “Real World” stars and makes them live in a house with the Tates, who have sex with them. Concept seven: “Hey, Tate Bros. You Come To Dees Country. You Like.” Scary eastern European countries compete to have the Tate brothers move to their fucked up, almost failed states in a bid to increase tourism and whatever the Tate brothers do when they live in your country. Concept eight: “Hello Larry.” Bewitched advertising president Larry Tate shows up in Romania to discipline his long-lost nephews and teach them how to love again. Concept nine: “United Tates of America.” “United Tates of America” is where the Tate brothers road trip across the U.S. and tell people how much their antiques are worth, even though they’re just guessing. Maybe they also go to roadside diners and eat huge burgers and say stuff like, “Now THIS is a burger!” and point down at it and then chomp into it again. After that, they shake their heads as if to say, “You’ve gotta be kidding me with this amazing burger.” Reat esTATE bros. The Tates move to HGTV and help American homebuyers by showing them multi-million-dollar estates they can’t afford. When their clients ask why they would need a twenty-car garage, Andrew says something like, “What you NEED is a fifty car garage.” And then they just kind of go on to the next room in the house, which looks like somewhere Sadam Hussein would live. 8 original country music songs for male artists who aren’t gay but would do gay things for love.7/23/2024  In our age of honesty and understanding about sexual preferences, the Intergalactic Business Report offers the music industry 12 song concepts that hyper-masculine, straight artists can turn into mega hits. Each song title expresses an original perspective on love, relationships, and finding your way into the heart of the lady of your dreams. The twist? Even though these songs are totally non-homosexual in their essence, they also recognize that whoever sings them is also willing to get a little gay if that’s what it takes for love. Grab onto these now before another record company gobbles up titles like:
1. Who do I have to blow (to get into your heart)? 2. I would suck a dick to be your man. 3. I’ll be anything you want me to be (including gay) tonight. 4. Dressin’ up like a lady to get into the locker room of your heart. 5. Got nothing ‘gainst dicks, but they ain’t my thing (‘less you’ll be my lady if I suck a dingaling). 6. Time to flip you over (and see if you’re a man). Hope you’re not, but if you are, then I don’t give a damn. 7. Tryin’ to find her, by using Grindr. 8.Sex with a man was never the plan (but it taught me how to treat a lady). Everybody’s talking about the Roast of Tom Brady, a live Netflix special in which ostensibly perfect human being Tom Brady is ridiculed and scorned by his friends, teammates, and random comedians who don’t know him. But it’s all done in love. Kind of like when a child molester has sex with you.
After watching the riotously funny spectacle of humiliation, the Intergalactic Business Report began seeing reports of all the hi-larious jokes that didn’t make it into the roast, and we thought, shit, we may as well do that too, even though we never had any jokes considered for the event, probably because we have zero connections to the entertainment industry except for those of columnist Ed Mountaineer, who has sex with funnel cakes and stalks Ryan Reynolds. Replicating the subject matter and tenor of the roast, we offer, free of charge, a golden stream of quips, comments, and deadly zingers to include in the postpartum of the Tom Brady fever dream birthed on May 5th. Use them, abuse them, but don’t lose them: 1. Jeff Ross looks like a recruiter for a leper colony. 2. Jeff Ross, you put the “ewww” in “jewww.” 3. If Rob Gronkowski were a child molester, he’d be the kind that says, “Duh, you wanna get in my van?” And then the kid would drive off without him. 4. It took Bert Kreischer six years to graduate from Florida State. Which is like trying to suck your own dick. You try every day for six years and can’t quite reach it and then somebody hands you a diploma and says, “Congratulations, you just graduated from Florida State.” 5. Tony Hinchcliffe has the biggest podcast in the world? Did they change the definition of "podcast" to mean “desire to fuck men but says he’s straight?” 6. Julian Edelman looks like a guy who’d watch Julian Edelman in a game and be like, “I think I could play in the NFL.” 7. Andrew Schulz. Nice haircut. Is it to let the jizz run down the side of your head without getting in your hair? It’s like you have two Jizz Luges under your ears. 8. Kevin Hart. Imagine if he were tall and white. He’d have the same name and when he spoke people would be like, “Why are you talking like an aggressive homeless person?” 9. Kevin, why do you keep saying how great this show is going, during the show? Can you imagine what it’s like to have sex with Kevin Hart? It’d be like, “Wow. This is going so great. It’s amazing. I can’t believe how great this is. We’re gonna keep it going now. Wow. This is so successful. We’re definitely gonna do this again.” 10. If Tom Brady didn’t have athletic ability, he’d be a real estate agent in the Bay Area and he’d have yoghurt and shit sitting on the kitchen island at the open house. And he’d forget the spoons. 11. Isn’t it funny watching comedians who are divorced, date pornstars, and have STDs because they fucked nasty sluts from airport lounges talk about Tom’s 13-year marriage to a supermodel as if he’s a loser? 12. Every one of these comics spent a month thinking, “Jujitsu, jujitsu… There’s gotta be a jizz joke in there somewhere. Oh wait! Gisele! Half of that name is jizz!” 13. Niki Glaser. She’s a lot like that crazy slut who’ll have sex with anybody and then talk about it till you wonder if she’s doing it so when you say “God you’re a whore” she can be like, “I know. Let me tell you some more whore stories.” Sorry, I mean that’s exactly her. 14. Nikki Glaser is such a whore that if you asked her to suck your dick for money, she’d blow you, give you a twenty, and say, “I’ll get you the rest when I get paid for the Roast of Tom Brady.” 15. Just to recap. Tonight we told openly racist jokes, talked about Julian Edelman drinking Tom Brady’s cum, sex-shamed women, called a big retarded man retarded, and had a black midget yell at us for two hours. And we did it all in front of a packed arena of cheering goons. If Hitler had come out and done a set about how Rob Gronkowski was so bad at thinking he needed to be sent to a concentration camp, you would have pissed your pants laughing.  It’s no secret that entrepreneuroexpert Kris Krohn is like a demigod to the Intergalactic Business Report. His wisdom and guidance have led us to the realization that talent, genius, morality, and conviction are superficial traits compared with body fat count and weight. It was all so simple, and yet it took Krohn to make us understand that we should never engage with those who don’t have great bodies because it is the physical form that tells us a human’s true worth.
Critics may say that Krohn is emphasizing the superfluous over the depth of someone’s soul and character, but that’s crap. Like King Xerxes, Krohn is kind and willing to work with people on their weight loss journeys. We recognize love when we see it and are dedicated to spreading the word of Krohn even to the deceased, who could have used his benevolence to change their fates. Following our groundbreaking article featuring suggested Kris Krohn letters to fat billionaires, the Intergalactic Business Report gives Krohn texts he can still send to fat dead people, illustrating that personal growth is eternal. Marlon Brando. I wish I could sit down with you and counsel you on your weight. I liked Streetcar Named Desire, but I would LOVE to see Marlon’s body losing weight is desired. When you were on the waterfront, did you eat a bunch of churros? You could have been a contender (to do business with Kris Krohn) if you weren’t so fucking fat. Here’s an offer you can’t refuse—two for one Whoppers. Elvis Presley. With all due respect, your physical appearance has hindered your legacy. I feel like you love me some chicken tenders instead of loving your body and the result is that if we were contemporaries, you and I would be totally incompatible and I would never associate myself with you. I can respect the Karate stuff because that demonstrated some physical fitness, but the fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches showed a total lack of control. Fatty Arbuckle. You wouldn’t have killed that girl if you were more focused on your own body. Jabba the Hut I guess you’re gonna have to kill me because I refuse to pay my debt till you’ve lost at least three thousand pounds. John Candy. Sure you’re funny. But are you Kris Krohn funny? I feel like you wasted your comic genius on being fat instead of doing whatever I do. I hereby refuse to watch your films until you show the kind of discipline it takes to accomplish something in your life. Dom DeLuise. Mel Brooks and Johnny Carson may love you, but you will never make it in this world unless you push yourself to your limit by working out while someone with an iphone films you and asks if you were always a grunter. The Fat Boys. I’m assuming you’re all dead from heart attacks by now but if any of you made it to becoming “fat men” I just want you to know I will never collaborate on an album or anything else with you till you start pushing yourselves and your bodies to do what you are capable of. Fat Jim Morrison. Jim, it wasn’t the drugs that killed you. It was the fatness. I’m just touching base to let you know that your music is worthless unless you have total control of your body. You should have broken on through to a diet and exercise plan, but you chose to be a stranger and blind to every meal you eat. Chris Farley. Now that you’re dead, I think it’s a teachable moment for those of us who are still living and alive. I want you to really really think about what kind of legacy you’ve left compared to someone like me, who posts Instagram videos, does real estate, and has like seven percent body fat. Besides all the legendary stuff on Saturday Night Live and movies like Tommy Boy, is there even one video of you working out and telling people way too much information about your personal life as you crush weights and get super agitated? And yes, that would be a great Chris Farley sketch. You’re welcome.  April Fools Day. The one time of year you pretend awful shit happened, scare the crap out of people, say it was all a joke, and it’s all socially acceptable and they have to laugh and it’s their fault they fell for it.
Like most humans, you woke up today and thought, “Oh shit, it’s April first and I haven’t come up with an elaborate scheme to trick someone into shitting his pants and then rescinding the horror at the last second so I can just stand there, superior, and laugh maniacally.” But the sad fact is that even if you did come up with a brilliant prank, it probably would have fallen short. After years of research, the Intergalactic Business Report has determined the number one reason April Fools jokes fail is because they are done with someone you know. But when used on total strangers, the rate of effectiveness increases by something like a million percent. This year, instead of approaching co-workers, family, and friends, try these ten sure-fire jokes on people you don’t know. You’ll be blown away by their reactions before you magnanimously release their fears by shouting “April Fools!” 1. “You called for a repairman? No? Well, they paid me up front so I may as well just come in and fix stuff.” (Go inside and pretend to repair things until it gets really awkward. Then start screaming April Fools!”) 2. “I’m commandeering your car! Get the fuck out! I’m not police. I’m just commandeering it.” (Bring the car back after you round the block. Then let out your gut-relieving April Fools call.) 3. “I would never approach someone I don’t know like this but I’m a doctor and that thing on your face is malignant and I’d like to study it before you die.” (Look concerned. That’s key.) 4. “Oh my god. I think my penis just fell off. Can you help me look for it?” (Try to appear genuinely worried and keep checking your crotch. Nope. It’s not there anymore.) 5. “I’ll pay you five-hundred bucks to take a picture of my butt hole.” (Hold back the “April Fools” till you hear the camera click.) 6. “I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a dude back there who’s been following you for about three blocks. I’m pretty sure he’s gonna kill you so I would fucking run.” (Chase after for a few blocks until your “victim” gets tired. Then yell, “I’m the dude!” Then yell, “April Fools!”) 7. "Hey! Let me out of your trunk! Hey! I’m in your trunk!"(When he opens it, look dead or passed out. Make him revive you before you do the April Fools thing.) 8. "Can I get three extra-large soups and all your waffle fries? Haw. Just kidding. Give me a medium soup. No fries. Small drink." (No need to even say April Fools for this one. You’ve done your job and it should stand alone.) 9. “I’m sorry to disturb you, but as I was getting into my car I noticed some guys attaching a bomb or something to your undercarriage. You probably don’t want to start that thing.” 10. “This is a fucking robbery! Get the fuck down! Everybody empty their fucking pockets and throw the money in this hat!” (Try to bring a really distinctive hat because it makes a huge difference.) What to say during those awkward post kissing moments? We give ABC’s “the Bachelor” free advice.2/28/2024  Most viewers watch “the Bachelor” and are satisfied with the romantic tale of one man who women in a bar would look over and say, “Yeah, he’s kind of cute, I guess. But is he rich?” who remains kind of cute and not rich but is suddenly transformed into the pinnacle of female desire because they put him in a room with thirty women and say: “Look. It’s the bachelor.”
At the Intergalactic Business Report, that’s not enough. We go deeper and ask more questions, such as, are we in danger of Clayton Echard’s brain falling in love with everyone on the planet, is “bullying” a sex game we just don’t understand, and what should the bachelor say in the myriad post kissing moments he has to endure every episode? We address this today. Through sublime editing, we see bachelors like Joey Graziadei (whose last name strangely translates to “Thank you, Lord”) make out with lady after lady after lady as they desperately offer him osculation as a means to stay on the show. But what happens when the kissy poo ends? Inevitably, the women tell Joey, “That was nice,” as they pretend to enjoy the halitosis and shame. But what does Joey say back? Today, we give him answers and a script that provides him various options to fill in those awkward, post mouth coital moments. Here you go Joey. These are free. Use them, don’t lose them, feel free to abuse them:
 We're ready to write for Hollywood today. After gifting a scab-written opening monologue masterpiece for people who call themselves “late night hosts” (as if they’re holding an after-hours dinner party where they’d actually invite someone like you), the Intergalactic Business Report was saddened by our response rate of zero.
As the Writers Guild of America votes to approve an agreement, we make a final plea to movie studios to end negotiations and extend the strike so that our group of barely and non-paid writers have a shot at not being paid by them too. To achieve this, we are pitching a number of show trajectories we would gladly write for some of our favorite programs that were being held hostage. Instead of playing catch up, just take our ideas that are steady and ready. It’s not too late. So, here you go. They’re free. We re-write popular shows stuck in production. Suck on this, paid writers. Severance. We flip the show and now it’s about how the writers are severed from writing the show. Similar to Adam Scott’s character, they get super drunk and forget what the fuck they’re doing or why they cared. Silo. The silo is actually a huge toilet. Most of season two is it flushing. Too Hot to Handle. Since the only written material is the robot and the female comic commenting on contestants’ horniness, we just have someone go, “Dammmn” every few minutes. SNL. Obviously, you can’t have any guest hosts because those motherfuckers are going to “stand with the writers” as if they’re all at the Alamo but it’s air-conditioned and the only Mexicans are doing yard work and not attacking them. Anyway… We do a Colin Jost fashion show (no words, just outfits) and then some really unfunny (and non-scripted) in-absentia public trials of republican politicians done entirely by lawyers. Big Sky. Country music star Jason Aldean silently hunts Jenny Hoyt and Beau Arlen. The script is just: FADE IN: Ext. Woods-day. Jason Aldean silently hunts Jenny Hoyt and Beau Arlen. Just to make it all work, they’ve had they’re vocal cords removed, but we don’t know why. They just look like they’re about to say something, then grab their throats in pain, and shake their head, no. Then Aldean shoots at them, and they run. The Drew Barrymore Show. Poor Drew. Who knew she needed writers to have conversations with celebrities about how hard it is to be a celebrity? We help her out by turning her show into an hour-long apology where she just cries and does stream of consciousness sorry saying to the audience. Adam Devine. This is a personal message to Devine, who, because he’s in every single Netflix movie produced, directed, and, of course, written by someone’s cousin or dude who “wants to be a writer and they bought my screenplay!” (we’re just guessing), is suffering most. Hang in there, dude. Remember that a writer can write the line, “What?” But only you can deliver it as “Whhhaaaaaaat?” That’s you taking a word out of the English language and making it your own. Our advice is, during the strike, work on other words, like “Buuuuuuuttttt….” and, “turnip.” Not sure how you’d do that last one but you’re the master. Porky Pig. Never would go on strike. Holding strong and just stuttering like a motherfucker. No re-writes for you, noble swine.  Our rats write for free. Non-union writers, like the ones at the Intergalactic Business Report, reacted to the news of the Writers’ Strike, with a simple question—“There are people who get paid to write?” They followed this with, “Wait a second. They’re complaining about not making how much?” and, also, “the people who write Adam Devine movies aren’t AI?”
As an almost human sacrifice to the entertainment industry, we offer our services, for free, to late-night talk show hosts who no longer can come up with monologues. Below, we give them a show opener that will put them back on top of their games. Take it now before another host breaks the strike with this scabtastic comedy gold. TOTALLY FREE LATE-NIGHT MONOLOGUE (BY THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT): What a great audience here tonight. Give yourselves a round of applause. I haven’t seen that much clapping since my men’s swim team had an orgy and we all contracted syphilis. How about Hurricane Idalia? Are they naming hurricanes after people nobody’s ever heard of? Anyone here ever met an Idalia? You sir? Yeah. O.K. That’s one. So, have you heard about Justice Clarence Thomas taking trips with this Texas billionaire? That’s right, Thomas went on luxury vacations and flew on private jets with Harlan Crow… Who, I’m just guessing, is Jim Crow’s great great grandson. Yeah, that’s right. One of them prevented black people from voting and the other one is getting black supreme court justices to go on luxury vacations with him in his private plane! I guess that’s progress? And, speaking of progress, I like Progresso soup. What else? What else? Oh! GOP leader Mitch McConnell appeared to “freeze” during a press conference. He just stopped talking for maybe twenty seconds, causing onlookers to wonder if he was suffering from a neurological disease. Turns out, McConnell was just fantasizing about porn and got lost in the moment. Yeah, that’s right. Nasty porn where you’re just like (DO THE THING WHERE YOU TAKE YOUR INDEX FINGER AND PLACE IT ON YOUR LIPS AND GO UP AND DOWN AND MAKE A NOISE LIKE YOU’RE UNDER WATER). Wait a second… Where am I? How about the news about the U.S. Space Force? Turns out they put their suppliers on something called a “hot standby,” which I guess is like setting a booty call for when you get back from the bars at 3 a.m., only it’s in space. You three ladies in the front row. I’m putting you on hot standby. Look for me on Uranus after the show. In other news, Proud Boy leader Joe Biggs was sentence to 17 years in prison for seditious conspiracy. After receiving the sentence, Biggs said, “I can’t wait to get raped in prison for whatever that is.” (MAKE HUMPING MOTIONS WITH YOUR BODY). Martha Stewart is in the news again. This time for drinking a cocktail with ice from an actual iceberg. Environmental activists criticized Stewart for being “tone deaf,” to which the 82-year-old Stewart said, “What? I can’t hear you.” Because she’s not only tone deaf, but she has really bad hearing, because she’s like 82 years old. Speaking of celebrities, Selena Gomez recently told Elle Magazine what she looks for in a romantic partner. She said, and I quote, “I mean, you gotta be cool, man…” Gomez is now dating Martha Stewart’s ice cube. Unfortunately, it melted in her vagina on their second date, but, I mean, it made it all the way to the second date, so it had to be pretty damn cool, am I right? Get busy, y’all! (POINT TO THE BAND LEADER AS IF HE KNOWS WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT) We have a great show for you tonight. Luiz Guzman is here!  Attention insurance companies. Replace your emus with awesome new mascots, like Leprosy Larry. Whether it’s cavemen, a mentally slow man with an ostrich, or group home roomies Flo, Jamie, and Mara, one thing is for sure—insurance companies think customers want to buy their products from intellectually challenged misfits, pervy porn-stachioed nitwits, and pre-civilization poo-flingers. We couldn’t agree more.
For some time, editors at the Intergalactic Business Report have felt that nothing makes more sense than to trust the security of your home, auto, and life with people who look like they may struggle with the concept of eating a sandwich. Although we commend insurance companies on creating lovable cretins who also sell bundled policies, we feel there is much more room to grow. As a gift to the industry, we now present exclusive creative for any company pondering a new ad campaign. Like nazis opening the lost ark, don’t turn away from these totally free insurance mascot concepts. Grab them now before someone else makes a claim. Homeless John. There are two things Homeless John lives for—highly addictive drugs and selling insurance. When you sign up with his company you have to wonder whether your money is going to protect your family or if it will just go up John’s nose or in his arm but John is super pushy and you kind of feel like you just need to give him what he wants, especially when he shows up on the subway and announces that he doesn’t need to ask but he’s just being polite. In-sur-rain man. Autistic, OCD In-sur-rain man can give you an instant quote on anything. As potential customers approach him with insurance questions, he won’t make eye contact, but he will say, “Yeah… That’ll save you $437 a month if you bundle your home and auto. Definitely $437 dollars. Big savings. Big savings…” Then it’s time for Wapner. Booger Eater the troll. Booger eater is just a simple troll who also loves to sell insurance. He’ll crawl out from under his bridge, eat a couple boogers, and then talk about how he can comparison shop insurance rates for you. Can’t read or write Silvia. This lovable illiterate can hand you insurance papers to sign but has no idea what’s on them. Why can’t she? Because she loved selling insurance so much she left school after Kindergarten. Her tagline? “You don’t need to know how to read or write to save on your home, life, and auto.” Brandon the chimp. What do you wish you had just as you realize a chimpanzee is about to rip your face off? Probably some kind of “face armor” that could prevent a monkey attack. But besides that, you probably wish you had life insurance. Henry portrait of an insurance salesman. Michael Rooker reprises his role of 1980’s psychopath Henry, but this time, he sells insurance. If you thought “mayhem” was bad, wait till you find out what Henry will do if you don’t buy from him. As Rooker breaks into a home and watches people sleeping, he explains life insurance policies. Then, he moves to the garage to talk about auto. As he drags tied up bodies into the yard, he makes a super funny joke about “bundling” your coverage. Leprosy Larry. This hilarious misfit escaped a leper colony so he can sell you insurance. Be careful not to touch him! After consumers hear Larry’s pitch, are ready to sign, and reach in for the handshake, Larry whips his hand back and a few fingers fly off. Then he says, “And when you switch to (YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY) you’ll get rates so good it’ll feel like you narrowly avoided getting leprosy.” John Wayne Gacy. Sure he’s dead, and we can no longer get the actual John Wayne Gacy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reprise his serial killer clown character to sell your insurance. Mixing the fear of death and doom with comedy is where insurance ads thrive. And check out his funny as hell tagline: “Don’t clown around with insurance companies. You could get buried under unnecessary premiums and my deck.” Too much? We don’t think so, because we all know the guy from Liberty Mutual would murder you the second you were alone with him. And his Emu would help bury your body.  Just when you thought “Dry January” was the most miserable thing society could do to people starting another year of disappointment, pain, and lowered expectations, humans have come up with Veganuary, which adds a new restriction to your life—not eating meat.
As this grueling, meatless, hoochless month comes to a dismal close, the Intergalactic Business Report offers misery traffickers new ways to completely fuck up January 2024. Pay attention self-flagellates, next year’s hairshirts are up for grabs below: 1. No shit January. Hold it in for a month to build appreciation for bowel movements. 2. Vaginuary. Women are not allowed to “use” their vaginas for the entire month. 3. Janiceuary. Difficult, bitchy, and totally unreasonable, Janice Drankowski makes all the rules in a month dedicated to fulfilling her slightest wishes and whims—mostly tasks like sending her money and listening to her screaming about your bad service. Also, because she can’t use her vagina (see above) she’s especially angry. 4. Live under a bridge January. To participate, you need to live under a bridge for a month and battle homeless gangs for a spot near the fire and the first hit on the crack pipe. 5. Tattoomyfaceuary. Show respect and love for people with face tattoos by getting an unalterable face tattoo. Then try to hold a job in February. 6. Shutyourmouthuary. Take a vow of silence as you pile on even more challenges in what is now the most horrible month of the year. As you freeze under a bridge (see above), indenture yourself to a sadist (see above), scare children with your face (see above), and nearly shit your pants (see above), you can’t talk about it. |
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