 Original music on reality shows is evolving as songs are now tailored for the exact situation and mood contestants find themselves in. With titles like, “First time I fell in love” and, “Have we gone too far,” curated lyrics and titles match what’s happening and are the perfect complement to the action.
With this in mind, the Intergalactic Business Report offers totally free song titles to the reality television industry. Just add music. New song titles for reality t.v. scenes that will perfectly set the mood. “Gonna find out you were just acting normal to get on this show but now I have to live with you in an apartment for three weeks and listen to you scream at me.” “Lean in to kiss me, ‘cause if you don’t we’re both gonna get kicked off this show.” “Taking my shirt off for the first time ‘cause we’re inexplicably in a hot tub.” “Facing the reality of being in a fake relationship with you.” “Wait till you find out I take dumps with the bathroom door open and try to talk to you.” “First time I found out that you’re a fucking weirdo and probably dangerous.” “Making the realization that the only people on these shows are freaks and they’re not actually looking for love, except if you define love as taking your shirt off in a hot tub and porking someone you just met three days ago on t.v.” “Makin’ love with the audio still on so you can hear me make sex noises and give instructions.” “It’s midnight and I’m sneaking out of bed to go to the balcony and cry about the terrible decision I made about being on this show.” “Starting it up! Starting it up! Starting up another fucked up toxic relationship with you.” “Figuring out what I’m gonna say on a talk show when they ask me if I’m still together with you.” “I think you might be my sister ‘cause I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” “Let’s make out, ‘cause the cameras just showed up and I definitely don’t want to extend our conversation about your cats.” “Nothing’s stopping me from pulling out my dick… Take that back. An assistant producer is telling me to stop pulling out my dick. Got it. That’s cool. Won’t happen again. Lalalalala.” “Next time I fall in love, it’ll probably be with another freak like you and I won’t get paid to do it—bummer.”  If you don’t have pockets, then change your pants—that’s what someone’s grandfather probably told them and it’s the kind of sentiment that expresses just how passionate we are, as a nation, about the compartments in our clothing that hold all our secrets.
The term “pocket” is used frequently, usually referring to a place where you put stuff you don’t want people to see. “Pocket change” is an undetermined amount of mysterious money you hide for emergencies, and “pocketing” something is stealing it and then burying it in your pants. We could go on. Despite the secrecy behind pockets, there is another, more beautiful, side to them. Indeed, pockets have even more to give us, if we just let them. We narrowed a very long list down to seven ways you can use your pockets that will change your life. We list them below: 7 ways to use your pockets like you’ve never used your pockets before. 1. Place your hands on the outside of the pockets and fumble for what’s inside, creating the appearance you are sexually molesting yourself. 2. Put items in your “middle pocket” which has a zipper. 3. When you want to signify you can’t pay for something, turn your front two pockets out to show you have no money, then shrug and hold that pose till everyone gets it. 4. Put “hot” items in your pockets and burn yourself under the assumption you are making “hot pockets.” 5. Sustain yet another serious but hilarious injury by putting a stick in your pants to play “pocket pool.” 6. High five with one hand while you keep the other one in your pocket. 7. Fill them with tater tots ala Napoleon Dynamite.  On the latest episode of Bravo’s Southern Charm, Shep Rose introduced a dinner game for his guests to play while they tested their ability to stop slurring words and dribble rum. Shep instructed his companions to make New Year’s resolutions—for someone else at the table—and ushered in a complete breakdown of hope for humanity within twenty seconds.
This is, of course, not new for Bravo. Housewives often introduce quasi therapy exercises that lead to screaming matches and forcible wig removals. Meredith Marks of RHOSLC even reconvened the Boston Tea Party as a Kangaroo constitutional convention of grievances she had about her counterparts. With more dinners and confrontations to come, the Intergalactic Business Report now offers new ideas for supper ambushes and character assassinations. Below, we give them to Bravo, for free. Choose them, use them, but first peruse them: Prompts for nine new dinner “games” to fuel bravolebrity resentment and anger.
 This year the Intergalactic Business Report is focusing a lot of attention on Super Bowl ads. It’s almost a little unsettling and compulsive. But we do care about other things. It’s not like this is all we do or all we are or all we are able to be. There’s a lot more. Really. Seriously. Don’t look at us like that.
Anyway... As it comes time for this year’s Super Bowl and the ads that surround it, we’re getting nervous—nervous for the companies and the people in them who paid big money for spots and are just praying right now that they won’t bomb and fail and that their boss is going to be like, “Jeff, I saw the commercial… Why was Carrot Top dancing with AI Gary Coleman?” We are, primarily, a business magazine, and that often means we care for people no one else does, including the highly paid schlubs who convinced someone to pay for a Super Bowl ad. To those schlubs we say, hold on, and really really think about whether you need to do a Super Bowl ad. If the answer is yes, then you’ve performed a time-honored business move—taking all your money and betting it on black, or red if you’re racist, which you probably are, but in the secret way where even your own mind won’t admit it. That being said, if you’re going to do it, you may as well do it right. Whether you’re one of the ad people hired to create or the dude who got approval to flush away corporate funds on a one-minute gag/vanity plug/orgasm where you don’t feel anything, then we offer you creative support for building that ad. If you’ve already made your ad, good luck, because you may not get a chance next year. But if you’re planning, and watching whatever gets aired next week, then read this and be enlightened, because we give you the tools to create the perfect Super Bowl ad, regardless of your business. Understand the categories: Most successful Super Bowl ads are from one of these four categories. 1. Think pieces, heartbreakers, and message ads. These ads use emotional blackmail and sentimentality to make viewers cry. 2. That’s so funny a celebrity just said/did that. Getting a celebrity to do something awkward, out of place, or to become a caricature of himself brings big laughs and gets consumers to see your product as approachable and fun. 3. Aren’t we clever. Did you just see that? Hold on a second? They did what? Surprising the audience with a clever story line in which all is not what it seems can hook their interest. 4. Sexy/Risque. Sex does sell, and throwing in an element of the naughty can keep viewers salivating for more. Take any product/company/service: In this case, we are choosing, randomly, Slim Jim Meat Snacks and Jerky, but you can pick anything. Combine all four elements like so: Slim Jim ad: Open to sultry, sexy music—a saxophone playing in the dark. Light hits the scene to reveal: a BED and sexy lady LEGS. The camera rolls up from the calves, the thighs, and we see: Luiz Guzman, eating a Slim Jim. He looks at the camera and says: “What? Slim Jim makes me feel sexy.” NOTE: in the first twenty seconds, you’ve already covered #4 (Sexy/risque), #3 (Aren’t we clever, did you see that?), and #2 (That’s so funny a celebrity did/said that). Now all we’re missing is #1 (think pieces, heartbreakers, message ads). So… CUT TO: Children playing basketball in the park. Luiz Guzman comes out of a bush and approaches a group. They stop playing when he enters the court. LUIS GUZMAN: Sorry to break up your game, but I need to tell you something. KID NUMBER ONE: What’s that Mr. Guzman? LUIS GUZMAN: Every ten minutes, a child, just like you, goes hungry. KID NUMBER TWO: Just like me? Guzman nods. He hands the group a pack of Slim Jims. LUIS GUZMAN: Here you go. Snap into a Slim Jim. KID NUMBER ONE: Thanks, Mr. Guzman! They all chew their Slim Jims and go back to playing basketball, even though the Slim Jims are hanging out of their mouths. Luis Guzman looks at the camera. CLOSE UP of him with a tear in his eye. CUT TO: Black screen, with white lettering that says: VOTE.  It’s everybody’s favorite time of the year when after a brutally fun holiday season of drinking too much and telling friends and family how much you love them while almost pissing yourself, you turn into a grim teetotaler who now brags about your sobriety.
Dry January has long been an area of concern for the Intergalactic Business Report, but this year, we try in earnest to reconcile our differences with the month-long “thirst strike” that captures people like you who just want to detox and chill. With this in mind, we offer you 12 amazing activities that will help you thrive during this challenging time. 12 Dry January activities you can do this month. 1. Just sit there—really sit there. And think about all the stuff you regret. It’s a long list, but you have a whole month. 2. Drink non-alcoholic beer and tell everyone that it’s actually really really good. Then write a suicide note and keep it ready. 3. Wake up and tell whoever’s next to you that you feel so great because you don’t have a hangover. Then recall what it was like last night when you had totally sober sex and it felt like you were exercising at a gym where someone really annoying talks to you the whole time and you realize you hate them but there’s only a few minutes left of your workout, so you just keep going. 4. Reconnect with old friends by inviting them out for mocktails that are like 1,000 calories and make your fat ass look fatter with each sip. Feel the sobriety as you drink more, get fatter, and truly understand the pain of reality in all its fullness. 5. Play Pickleball. 6. Get super religious and go to church multiple days of the week. Get to know priests and pastors and all the people who make the place run. Look up at the crucifix and Jesus and start praying for the month to end. 7. Focus on “Wet as Fuck February” like it’s your fiancé and you’re in a World War Two Japanese prison camp. 8. Find pleasure in replacing your uninhibited drunkenness with whacking off on freeway overpasses. 9. Harness your imagination and creativity by pretending you’re a zoo animal. Then throw feces at people, possibly on a freeway overpass (see above). 10. Pretend to be really really drunk, and giggle about how stupid drinking is. Then act even more drunk and laugh out loud and how absurd being drunk is. Then laugh louder, till you begin crying and someone asks you what’s wrong and you tell them it’s because you’re drunk. 11. Figure out how to perfectly draw your penis on an Etch A Sketch. Then shake the fuck out of that thing and start over till it’s February first. 12. Wear nipple clamps so tight you can’t get them off and that’s all you worry about. Schedule a doctor’s appointment for February first to have them removed.  Believe it or not, there once was a dearth of Christmas movies. Children would watch yuletide stop motion animation puppets creepily dance on t.v. and families would wait for classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” to air. Fast forward to today and whole channels are devoted to Christmas movies that are churned out faster than pornos (and with, we think, the same actors).
As the Christmas movie evolves, the entertainment industry is clearly running out of original concepts. At first, it was enough to have a snarky executive woman who doesn’t have time for the holidays (or love) who finds a lumberjack stud who convinces her to give up her career and live with him in Christmas Town. There were also supernatural plots about ordinary people transforming into Santa, special forces Elves, and painful pseudo-scientific explanations for how Kris Kringle could go around the world in one night and deliver presents to children without their parents saying, what the fuck is this? I didn’t buy this. Where the fuck did this come from? We can’t keep this. We’ve reached a point at which Hollywood and Hallmark have essentially given up as they desperately seek new ideas but must fall back on their staple stories of vague Xmas cheer and romance that, in real life, would end in the worst kind of buyer’s remorse come January. Because the industry so clearly needs a boost, the Intergalactic Business Report, as it always does, comes to the rescue with six brand new original concepts that will maintain the genre for another year, at least. Six wild new Christmas concepts to save the holiday movie industry. Get ready for these wild, soon-to-be classics. Grab them now, before all the other cool industry executives snatch titles like: A Crack baby Christmas. What if Jesus were a crack baby? And an evil drug dealer named Herod, wanted him eliminated? That’s what happens in a “Crack Baby Christmas” as Jesus’s illegitimate parents look for a place to birth him. Wait. Look at that motel called “the Manger.” So great, right? Christmas in Santa’s Butt. When Elves Mercury and Chiffon raise the ire of a snow dragon, they hide in Santa Claus’s enormous butt. When the snow dragon arrives at the North Pole and demands answers, Santa acts like he doesn’t know where they are. The dragon, who doesn’t totally buy the story, asks if he can stay the night because it’s late and there’s a blizzard. Santa says O.K. because he has to play along to protect the Elves in his butt. The only problem is it’s Christmas Eve and Santa must deliver gifts around the world and there’s no way he can hold two elves in his butt while he’s doing it. This is a comedy (lots of funny scenes where Santa has to fart, but he holds it so the elves don’t blow out of his ass) but it also has a lot of serious scenes and a closing message about how if you’re over 40 you should get a colonoscopy. A Meth and Porn Christmas. Bongo is a meth head who watches a lot of porn. And it’s Christmas. A Dumpy Christmas. Santa’s had enough of ungrateful children who don’t believe in Christmas, so he decides to come down chimneys and take steaming dumps on people’s living room floors. When he poops on a priceless Persian rug, he has second thoughts because a cute kitten is sitting on it and stares at him as he squeezes one out. It’s awkward, as if the cat is judging him. But it’s too late to stop so Santa completes his dump and moves on to the next home. Ya ya yah! Iz Chrissmazzz! All-American looking actors fake like they are non-descript but stereotypical “foreigners” and speak a gibberish language that sounds like they aren’t from a good country. Then they celebrate Christmas with traditions that are made up but relatable in the sense that you can tell they’re trying to do Christmas stuff but in a super foreign way. At one point, they play soccer with a baby Jesus doll, which seems offensive till they eat it and then you’re really offended. Starring Mario Lopez and Kirsten Dunst. Alien Spaceship Landing: Christmas Edition. Even though there are no other editions of “Alien Spaceship Landing” there’s this one about Christmas. As the residents of Pauly Shores get ready for the holiday, a large spacecraft descends on their town, blocking all communication with the outside world, including WIFI and radio waves. At first, there’s panic. Then the townspeople begin to see that Christmas is much more wonderful when the distractions of modern life are gone. Children play in the park and build snowmen and families tell stories by their roaring fireplaces. Stores are closed, and gifts must be handmade and thoughtful. It’s the best Christmas ever, till the aliens annihilate everyone in a cold, overwhelming heat blast that leaves no survivors.  If you’ve heard a woman rip a fart, get caught, and put her hand over her mouth and giggle: “I just tooted,” then you understand what it feels like to stare across the edge of darkness and decide jumping is preferable to hearing whatever she says next. Researchers tell us that “tooting” was probably first coined by Barbara Hollingsworth of Breford Mississippi in 1963 when she released an ass-tearing blast at a cotillion. From there, Barbara’s fart euphemism spread across America till everyone could smell it.
While some women are comfortable announcing their farts or even pre-announcing them with warnings like, “Hold on, I’ve got something for you” those women are nasty. Non-nasty women must rely on the only cute way to admit to a fart and it’s from 1963. Like we always do, the Intergalactic Business Report saves an entire gender by revealing new, totally original ways to get away with farting by using adorable, feminine quips. (For extra effect, say the words “tee hee hee” beforehand). Ladies, next time you rip one, just say:
 Who's the boss? Just like we did for serial killers, the Intergalactic Business Report saves the entertainment industry by giving it totally free new concepts for the “hitman” trope. These ideas are so original and fresh, you’ll want to take them while they’re hot. Don’t burn your money-grubbing hands.
Concept one: The facts of death. Mindy Cohn (not that one) is hired to kill all-girls boarding school caretaker Edna Garrett. Turns out one of the students, bitchy but kind of pretty Blair, doesn’t like her and wants her dead. Will Cohn, undercover as a student, penetrate Mrs. Garrett’s ring of defenders, like roller-skating bodyguard Tootie and semi-lesbian enforcer “Joe”, who’ve made oaths to protect her, or will she get her kill? In a twist, it IS that Mindy Cohn. Concept two: Nothing but their jeans…and Glock semi-automatics. Children Arnold and Willis know what they’re talking about when it comes to executing people for money. But when an old white millionaire “adopts” them, they’re conflicted for the first time in their careers because their new daddy is also their new target. Concept three: Gimme a contract to kill someone. Super assassin Nell Carter never gives her victims a break. When the mob targets police chief Carl Kanisky, she insinuates herself as his sassy maid and bides her time for the perfect moment to strike. Then Ray Parker Junior shows up and everyone’s like, “Who you gonna call?” He begrudgingly answers: “Ghost Busters?” It’s hilarious. But it’s also the perfect time to kill the chief. Concept four: “Bavuzzo.” On the lamb hitman Anthony Bavuzzo hides out in Vermont under the alias Dick Loudon and makes up some stuff about being a DIY book author. Gun moll Vicki poses as his wife Joanna. When “Dick” starts a new killing service targeting holdouts who won’t sell their land to Big Maple Syrup, he brings in psychotic trio Larry, Darryl, and Darryl to assist. Concept five: Who’s the boss? Terminally conflicted cab driver Alex Reiger takes a job as a hitman to make ends meet. As he drives the New York City streets at night, creepy “dispatcher” Louie De Palma sends him murder instructions and locations. But when Alex decides to quit the game, Louie calls in unhinged and crazed assassin “Latka Gravas” to put Alex into permanent retirement. Also starring Tony Danza.  Like the mother of a teenage girl who dresses like her daughter, the entertainment industry longs to copy coolness despite the whispers of those wondering who the old lady in jorts is. Every original plot, production, and idea is recycled like a once high-fashion concept now hanging on a rack at Walmart. Too dramatic? Maybe that’s the point, or maybe we just felt like creating dumb metaphors that go nowhere. In any case, we wrote this article to offer fresh ideas, free of charge, for how to reimagine one of the most beaten-to-death clichés we see on television and in movies: the serial killer.
The remorseless killing machine needs a new look—one that speaks to our age and sensibilities. Below, we offer six totally original serial “killer” profiles we hope you’ll adopt. Choose these, and don’t lose these: Six new serial killer concepts Hollywood can start using today: 1. Non-binary Brian. Non-binary Brian is slightly more concerned with being misgendered than murdering your ass. That’s what makes him so unpredictable and horrifying. His name is Brian. So… Do you call him “he”? Who knows, because Brian doesn’t tell you his pronouns. Better get them right or they/he/she will choose the way you/it/they dies and it will be good/bad/neutral. 2. The “hugger.” What’s that noise? It must have been nothing. Wait, I definitely heard something. I’m going to go check it out. Nope. Nothing behind that couch. And then… Wham! Someone’s hugging you. Hard. Not so much that it will kill you but hard enough that you feel the full embrace of a madman. Once he’s exhausted his emotional connection to you, he releases and leaves your house, going on to the next one. Will he hug everyone in the neighborhood? Or will the police put him down? You decide. 3. The “flasher.” While this serial killer doesn’t actually kill anyone, he wears a raincoat, approaches his victims, and then “flashes” his naked body. It’s pretty terrifying because he’s not in great shape so it’s not like a male stripper doing it. Instead, we just see some fat rolls and a dick. Try to sleep at night after seeing this. 4. Tish, the goldfish. Tish is an actual goldfish who has sinister thoughts about the people who feed and care for her. She bides her time and hopes to one day be able to “swim” through the air and murder her captors. She’s physically unable to do that of course, but she’s a fish, so she has no idea. 5. Big Jake, burly buttfucker. Jake’s main goal is to find you, have sex with you, and that’s about it. But in a twist, he only seeks out people on dating apps like Grindr, and he doesn’t kill anyone. Instead, he finds totally willing sex partners who are into it. The true terror comes when you discover you’ve matched with him and you are into it. 6. The “contractor.” Burt Jacobs is a guy you hire to remodel your home, but he’s actually a serial killer—of houses. Making this ripe for a spinoff on HGTV, Burt takes domiciles in need and wrecks them beyond repair, making them unrecognizable with unfashionable fixtures and hardware and partitioning rooms so they are claustrophobic, “closed concept,” and impossible for homeowners to prepare meals AND watch their kids at the same time. Also, the layout is terrible for entertaining.  You got a new dog. You did it for any number of reasons—for companionship, for mercy, to attract chicks at the puppy park. But none of that matters if you don’t have a cool, ironical name for the canine extension of your wit and hipsterliness. One thing is certain—your dog has to have a human name for it (and you) to get the attention you need. To save you the trouble of awkwardly introducing your friends to “Hermione” and then immediately regretting assigning a nominal identity to your pet for eternity, the Intergalactic Business Report provides you free creative counsel on your new dog’s name. Take, don’t shake, and make these happen:
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