Up for grabs: stereotypical lottery prizes and incentives to get vaccinated by state. Illinois through Mississippi.
After offering several states awesome ideas for stereotypical vaccine lottery prizes, the Intergalactic Business Report continues its list of totally free concepts for the states of Illinois through Mississippi.
State governments, feel free to use these. You’re welcome.
Illinois: You get fucked by a Kielbasa. Not for everyone.
Indiana: A “Flowers for Algernon” themed prize features a special brain hormone injection that transforms you into just above legally mentally incapable of caring for yourself, making you the “Einstein of Indiana.”
Iowa: Your meat gets packed.
Kansas: Free hypnosis to make you think for a few minutes that you’re not living in the middle of nowhere in a place nobody ever thinks about and that your life is the equivalent of a single white butt cheek, alone and half-assed.
Kentucky: A racehorse carries you to your cousin’s house to see your estranged children who think you’re their crazy drunk uncle.
Louisiana: Four week courses in elocution and enunciation so that humans outside Louisiana can decipher what the fuck you just said.
Maine: Three minutes alone with a Lobster, no questions asked, no judgments made, no charges pressed.
Maryland: Weekend “the Wire” experience where you get a burner phone but are disillusioned by the system that created the vaccine lottery because it’s ineffective and corrupt.
Massachusetts: Free speech therapy to help you pronounce words.
Michigan: An overweight militia man kills you because you got vaccinated.
Minnesota: Hey der! Super! You betcha! (That’s all you get.)
Mississippi: Same as Maine (above) only with a muskrat.
Up for grabs: aggressive bumper sticker concepts for people who want to threaten all other human beings.
You may have noticed that the car parked next to you at Costco has a bumper sticker stating the owner’s intention to physically assault anyone who touches his car or asks other drivers to keep honking while he reloads his gun.
In an act of supreme human empathy and understanding, the Intergalactic Business Report attempts to bring aggressive bumper sticker users to an even higher threat level by giving them, for free, brand new, unused bumper sticker concepts they can have today.
Print these up and stick them on your truck before everyone has one saying:
1. “Willing to go to prison for the rest of my life for murdering someone who accidentally scrapes my door.”
2. “If you cut me off, I will bump your car off the road, pull you out, and cut your head off.”
3. “I am an unstable psychopath. Think about that when I murder you for no reason.”
4. “If you hit my car with my kids in it, I will assault you and go to jail because I love my kids so much I think it will be better for them to grow up without a father like me.”
5. “I’m a good parent. That’s why I will kill people who displease me in front of my children.”
6. “Attention police. I have a loaded gun in here and I will use it to kill motorists who get too close to me or use their horns.”
7. “I have bodies in my trunk. Is yours next?”
8. “My last girlfriend didn’t like my driving. I shot her. So don’t tailgate me.”
9. “I murdered a valet parker. What do you think I’d do to you?”
10. “Registered Sex Offender.”
11. “Every time I assault another driver, my penis size grows two inches in my mind.”
12. “One percent John Wayne, 99% John Wayne Gacy.”
When we heard that West Virginia was offering shotguns to people who get vaccinated, we immediately thought, Yeah, it’s West Virginia. They’d do that. Then we decided to offer, free of charge, incentive ideas for every state.
State governments, feel free to use these. You’re welcome.
Vaccine incentives: Alabama-Idaho.
Alabama: Free cousin fucking lessons.
Alaska: A snow mobile that kills animals with built in guns and protruding blades (also has a flatbed for forbidden sex between dudes stuck in a cabin together for six months at a mining camp).
Arizona: Golfcarts that can take your body straight to a funeral home when you’re finally ready.
Arkansas: Corn cob pipes that make you want to fuck your cousins.
California: A blow job from that girl/guy in that late 90’s Cinemax movie where they didn’t show blow jobs.
Colorado: A talking bong that says really laid-back sounding shit belying a deep sense of entitlement and rage.
Connecticut: 30,000 off your child’s first week of prep school.
Delaware: A five-dollar bill, because that’s what you give people when you know nothing about them but you need to give them a gift but not a big one—maybe just five bucks or something?
Florida: A ladder to escape from your sinkhole and a vial of crack for when you get out.
Georgia: A coupon that gives you a one-time chance to fuck your sister.
Hawaii: You live in Hawaii. What the fuck else do you want? A trip to Hawaii?
Idaho: A spot at the underground doomsday colony (you need to bring a woman to repopulate and a shit load of water or it’s invalid).
As the Home and Garden Television Network continues to expand its lineup, we noticed they are open to just about anything so long as it's roughly about places where someone could maybe live or whatever.
In what can only be considered an act of pure altruism, the Intergalactic Business Report gives, for free, a brand-new slate of show concepts to HGTV. These boundary-breaking series could take the network to a new level of something, so we recommend they grab them now.
SHOW TITLE: “Buy it or scorch it.”
CONCEPT: Host David Visentin goes solo and offers pyromaniac buyers a choice to either buy a house or burn it to the ground. Will they decide to move into the four-bedroom, three-bath with the chef’s kitchen? Or will they take a match and gaze into the flames as their dream home becomes a pile of ash?
SHOW TITLE: “Wall unit.”
CONCEPT: Crews compete to see who can add the most external air conditioners to houses and apartments. That’s pretty much it.
SHOW TITLE: “Secret Sex Dungeon.”
CONCEPT: Did you know a sex dungeon can add value to your home? Host Jonathan Knight helps clients design clandestine pleasure chambers for their basements because there’s no way he hasn’t done that before.
SHOW TITLE: “Hide my stash.”
CONCEPT: Drug lords hire designers to build hidden rooms where they can store their illegal narcotics and weapons. We’re thinking David Bromstad for this because of the potential for “break the ice” tattoo conversations to open the show.
SHOW TITLE: “Home today, gone tomorrow.”
CONCEPT: Hosts Ben and Erin Napier go to dilapidated neighborhoods and towns and restore them to their original beauty. Then, professional arsonists arrive to burn everything down in a tribute to living in the moment.
SHOW TITLE: “Tunnel into My Neighbor’s House.”
CONCEPT: Homeowners build tunnels into their neighbors’ houses. The catch? Their neighbors are building a tunnel into theirs at the same time. Who will get there first? (The winner assumes control of the home and all its contents including pets and human beings.)
As we slowly return to normalcy after a world-wide pandemic, most of us have one thing in mind—what should I name my new porn site so that it reflects the optimism of the new age upon us?
In 2020, we gave you the names of available Coronavirus sex domains. In a shift, the Intergalactic Business Report now lets you know what post COVID-19 site names are up for grabs.
1. While the sublime hotbeefinjection.com will probably never be available, other vaccine-themed domain names remain, such as hotvaccineinjection.com and even vaccinesex.com. Inject these into your sex domain name library before supplies run out.
2. Coronaboner.com was snatched up immediately in 2020, but postcoronaboner.com is standing erect and ready for you to take it.
3. Again with the vaccines, we were hoping to find secondshot.com as an option, but it’s probably a Web site about addiction recovery and not sex. Instead, look at the totally wide open twoshotsonyourface.com, which is a little longer but also leaves no question that a second shot has nothing to do with becoming a better person.
4. During the height of the pandemic, covid69.com was a prime name (and also unavailable) but now you can turn to open domain names like nomasksex.com and our favorite: herdimmunityorgy.com. You herd it here first. Don’t miss the orgy this time.
With the spike in COVID-19 cases around the country, many of our holiday plans have changed from large family gatherings to just you. In the wake of this, the Intergalactic Business Report is providing eleven super fun things you can do on your own to celebrate. These are so great you may even decide to have Thanksgiving alone every year!
ELEVEN THINGS TO DO ALONE THIS THANKSGIVING:
1. Finally figure out how to felate yourself.
You’ve talked about it. You said if you could you do it, you’d never leave the house. But when’s the last time you really tried? We mean, really really tried? And now you can’t leave the house anyway.
2. We tried to think of something else, but we kept going back to the thing about trying to suck your own dick.
So we guess that’s only one thing you can do this Thanksgiving.
3. We promised eleven things. But that’s not going to happen.
So maybe start stretching or something so you can try to do the first thing on our list.
4. A note about item number one.
When we look up the word, “felate” in the dictionary, it’s not there. So feel free to change that word to “suck your own dick.”
5. When we said “eleven” things that was pretty ambitious.
Now we’re thinking that was stupid. Note to ourselves: When you write an article where you list a bunch of things, you should probably have more than one idea on that list.
6. Please refer to number one.
Go back and read it again. Thank you.
7. We made it to number seven.
Not bad considering we only had one idea of what to do by yourself on Thanksgiving and that idea was to give yourself a blowjob.
8. Since we control this writing, we may just go back and make the title, “8 things you can do if you’re having Thanksgiving alone this year.”
But since we already made it to eight, there are only a few left and we feel like we can pull it out.
9. If you’re still reading this you haven’t figured out how to felate yourself yet.
Right? Or are you waiting till you’re done with this article and then you’re going to have at it?
10. Do you even know anyone who’s been able to suck his own dick?
Seriously? You should call him and ask him how he did it.
11. O.K. So, that’s the other thing you can do.
Call your friend who says he figured out how to suck his own dick.
According to the Wall Street Journal, “It’s Just Lunch offers clients a chance to get acquainted over lunch. The firm does all the work, making reservations, clearing the matches with customers. All couples have to do is show up."
The concept sounds great and the company promises they use real professional matchmakers* to pair couples for lunch dates where they can see each other for the first time, without having previewed pictures of one of them without his shirt on in front of a mirror.
Our branding team appreciates the idea behind It’s Just Lunch, but feels it’s time for a slight re-brand in which the company takes a look at how to more realistically portray themselves to their clients and the public.
Below we list 15 improved company names we feel will get to the core of what they deliver. Take these today before a competitor snatches them up.
It’s just lunch sex.
It’s just awkward.
It’s just not going to work.
It just about time for me to go to my made-up nephew’s birthday and you’re not invited.
It’s just a contrived situation manufactured by a dating site.
It’s just the opening scene to a porn.
It’s just uncomfortable.
It’s just lunch where a guy asks you if you want to have sex with him.
It’s just weird sex in a Taco Bell Restroom.
It’s just that thing you did because you told yourself you were going to start saying yes to stuff and then afterwards you realized why you always said no to them.
It’s just knowing that the dude you met up with totally thinks he’s going to pork you.
It’s just like tinder, only it’s at lunch.
It’s just the tip.
It’s just in the sense that this is justice for all the times you randomly hooked up with people and didn’t have to sit through lunch with them.
It’s just time to have that thing on your dick checked out.
It’s just what Ted Bundy would do if he did internet dating.
*We assume professional matchmakers studied matchmaking at a university in the Southeast Athletic Conference, because that’s a major there.
Are you a politician? Do you have trouble articulating your views? Do you not have any views to articulate in the first place? We can help.
We try to never get involved with politics, but that’s probably because we’re not Hitler. Still, the Intergalactic Business Report is committed to its mission of offering totally free creative counsel to our readers and today we give you political messaging ideas no one else is using. Grab them now before everyone else gets elected president.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “I’m kind of sort of into stuff that will help people (probably).”
CONCEPT: Here you boast a non-committal plan that doesn’t say you won’t help people by suggesting you’re not against that, which is good, right?
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “I will suck your dick if you elect me.”
CONCEPT: This gets to the heart of why voters vote. They are waiting and hoping for a politician to offer felatio in return for their support. You can be the first person to bring this to the table and connect with voters on a dick-to-mouth level.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: You talk about how you’re super into anything confrontational or that makes people uncomfortable, especially mentally and physically.
CONCEPT: This messaging idea is mostly where you scream at people and tell them if you get elected you’ll force everyone to wear nipple and penis clamps. Very popular with a small group of people. Very unpopular with everyone else. But you need to have a base and this could be yours.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “Free food if I’m elected, but not the really good kind.”
CONCEPT: You offer totally non-priced edibles, but because there is no cost to the electorate, the food can’t be very good. But it’s O.K. Like what you’d eat if you were really hungry, which is fine. But not something you’d choose to eat if someone said, "Hey, what are you in the mood for tonight?" In that case, it would not be this.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: Sound like a hardline group but you’re really the opposite.
CONCEPT: In this one, you call yourself something like the Nationalist Wolfpack Order, but you believe our currency should be changed into hugs.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: The “I just shit my pants” message.
CONCEPT: If anyone asks you difficult questions about your party platform, you say, “I just shit my pants.” This seriously works every time.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: Asking voters to join you in your fake fantasy realm where they will be royalty.
CONCEPT: Kind of speaks for itself. They vote for you and they become “Prince Bagginstuff of Neverbeenlaid.” You get to be president.
POLITICAL PLATFORM IDEA: “My dick is bigger than yours. Or much bigger, in the case that you don’t have a dick at all.”
CONCEPT: The last part of the message shows your acknowledgement of women voters. Good job.
Let’s face it. The whole Coronavirus thing was a crazy ride, but now it’s over. As America opens up, it’s your chance to hop on these new fun ideas before everyone else does.
Suck breathing. Instead of sex, the thrill is placing your mouth on someone else’s and just breathing.
Photo booth taco bars. Taco bars that are also in those photo booths where you cram in and have your picture taken. Only this time you’re eating tacos.
Dutch oven parties. You and thirty-six friends arrive at the party where they put a huge non-porous cover over you and you just breathe and fart on each other for an hour.
Group dressing rooms. Next time you’re at the mall, you can choose to try on clothes in the same tiny room only now it’s with twelve other people.
Cake spinning. You get a huge cake, put it on a lazy susan, and your friends surround it. Then spin and eat to break the record.
Airplane floor tables. New designer tables made from uncleaned airplane floors. Enjoy your meal.
Silly monster faces. In this new craze, you and your friend use your fingers to make the other person’s face look like a monster.
Seeing how many people can fit inside a phone booth or VW Bug. It’s back. Now’s the time.
Free face licks. The free hugs movement was too gentle and lame. Now dudes with tee-shirts just lick your face.
Recirculated air roulette. Friends gather and breathe in tubes blowing in air from random people’s mouths.
Personal space invaders. Just like the video game, a cluster of people gets closer and closer till you can’t fight them off anymore and you just submit.
Because we sympathize with the entertainment industry's struggle to make movies that aren’t derived from a comic book, the title of a pop song, or a prequel/sequel/presequel, the Interglactic Business Report has decided to hand them several ideas for origin story movies we strongly feel have serious box office potential. So, Hollywood producers...? You're welcome.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Pretty Woman.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Surprisingly attractive prostitute.
PLOT: Before Vivian became Richard Gere’s hooker with a heart of gold, she was just a hooker.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: The Fugitive.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Richard Kimble has a pretty cool life.
PLOT: Before he became the fugitive, Richard Kimble was a successful doctor with a hot wife and they did stuff together, like they went to functions and took really nice vacations. This movie is about that.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Batman.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Batman, the baby years.
PLOT: Before Bruce Wayne became the Batman, he was a baby. And his parents were super rich. And Alfred was around, but he was more like a nanny.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Get Out.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Chris loves Rose.
PLOT: Before Rose’s family tried to use Chris’s body as a human shell for a rich patron, Rose and Chris had a kind of great relationship. This film focuses on that--before things got bad. Chris and Rose go to restaurants, walk around the city, and talk about their hopes and dreams. Rose doesn’t mention that hers includes turning Chris into a human shell for a rich dude. Never even comes up.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: E.T., the Extraterrestrial.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Elliot, Michael, and Gertie: Average California kids.
PLOT: This movie shows how Elliot and his siblings lived before meeting E.T. They deal with their parents’ divorce and order pizza a lot. But they don’t do anything special. Not till they meet E.T., which doesn’t happen in this movie.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Apocolypse Now.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Apocolypse not yet: Basic Training.
PLOT: Benjamin Willard had a lot of work to do before he started hunting down Colonel Kurtz in Cambodia. As one of the most average recruits ever in the U.S. Army, it was hard for him to get through basic training. This is that story. (He gets through it.)
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Rain Man.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Raymond Babbitt watches Wapner.
PLOT: Told from the perspective of “Rain Man,” before he meets his brother Charlie, this movie is mostly about Raymond Babbitt watching episodes of “The People’s Court.”
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.