With the spike in COVID-19 cases around the country, many of our holiday plans have changed from large family gatherings to just you. In the wake of this, the Intergalactic Business Report is providing eleven super fun things you can do on your own to celebrate. These are so great you may even decide to have Thanksgiving alone every year!
ELEVEN THINGS TO DO ALONE THIS THANKSGIVING:
1. Finally figure out how to felate yourself.
You’ve talked about it. You said if you could you do it, you’d never leave the house. But when’s the last time you really tried? We mean, really really tried? And now you can’t leave the house anyway.
2. We tried to think of something else, but we kept going back to the thing about trying to suck your own dick.
So we guess that’s only one thing you can do this Thanksgiving.
3. We promised eleven things. But that’s not going to happen.
So maybe start stretching or something so you can try to do the first thing on our list.
4. A note about item number one.
When we look up the word, “felate” in the dictionary, it’s not there. So feel free to change that word to “suck your own dick.”
5. When we said “eleven” things that was pretty ambitious.
Now we’re thinking that was stupid. Note to ourselves: When you write an article where you list a bunch of things, you should probably have more than one idea on that list.
6. Please refer to number one.
Go back and read it again. Thank you.
7. We made it to number seven.
Not bad considering we only had one idea of what to do by yourself on Thanksgiving and that idea was to give yourself a blowjob.
8. Since we control this writing, we may just go back and make the title, “8 things you can do if you’re having Thanksgiving alone this year.”
But since we already made it to eight, there are only a few left and we feel like we can pull it out.
9. If you’re still reading this you haven’t figured out how to felate yourself yet.
Right? Or are you waiting till you’re done with this article and then you’re going to have at it?
10. Do you even know anyone who’s been able to suck his own dick?
Seriously? You should call him and ask him how he did it.
11. O.K. So, that’s the other thing you can do.
Call your friend who says he figured out how to suck his own dick.
According to the Wall Street Journal, “It’s Just Lunch offers clients a chance to get acquainted over lunch. The firm does all the work, making reservations, clearing the matches with customers. All couples have to do is show up."
The concept sounds great and the company promises they use real professional matchmakers* to pair couples for lunch dates where they can see each other for the first time, without having previewed pictures of one of them without his shirt on in front of a mirror.
Our branding team appreciates the idea behind It’s Just Lunch, but feels it’s time for a slight re-brand in which the company takes a look at how to more realistically portray themselves to their clients and the public.
Below we list 15 improved company names we feel will get to the core of what they deliver. Take these today before a competitor snatches them up.
It’s just lunch sex.
It’s just awkward.
It’s just not going to work.
It just about time for me to go to my made-up nephew’s birthday and you’re not invited.
It’s just a contrived situation manufactured by a dating site.
It’s just the opening scene to a porn.
It’s just uncomfortable.
It’s just lunch where a guy asks you if you want to have sex with him.
It’s just weird sex in a Taco Bell Restroom.
It’s just that thing you did because you told yourself you were going to start saying yes to stuff and then afterwards you realized why you always said no to them.
It’s just knowing that the dude you met up with totally thinks he’s going to pork you.
It’s just like tinder, only it’s at lunch.
It’s just the tip.
It’s just in the since that this is justice for all the times you randomly hooked up with people and didn’t have to sit through lunch with them.
It’s just time to have that thing on your dick checked out.
It’s just what Ted Bundy would do if he did internet dating.
*We assume professional matchmakers studied matchmaking at a university in the Southeast Athletic Conference, because that’s a major there.
Are you a politician? Do you have trouble articulating your views? Do you not have any views to articulate in the first place? We can help.
We try to never get involved with politics, but that’s probably because we’re not Hitler. Still, the Intergalactic Business Report is committed to its mission of offering totally free creative counsel to our readers and today we give you political messaging ideas no one else is using. Grab them now before everyone else gets elected president.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “I’m kind of sort of into stuff that will help people (probably).”
CONCEPT: Here you boast a non-committal plan that doesn’t say you won’t help people by suggesting you’re not against that, which is good, right?
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “I will suck your dick if you elect me.”
CONCEPT: This gets to the heart of why voters vote. They are waiting and hoping for a politician to offer felatio in return for their support. You can be the first person to bring this to the table and connect with voters on a dick-to-mouth level.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: You talk about how you’re super into anything confrontational or that makes people uncomfortable, especially mentally and physically.
CONCEPT: This messaging idea is mostly where you scream at people and tell them if you get elected you’ll force everyone to wear nipple and penis clamps. Very popular with a small group of people. Very unpopular with everyone else. But you need to have a base and this could be yours.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “Free food if I’m elected, but not the really good kind.”
CONCEPT: You offer totally non-priced edibles, but because there is no cost to the electorate, the food can’t be very good. But it’s O.K. Like what you’d eat if you were really hungry, which is fine. But not something you’d choose to eat if someone said, "Hey, what are you in the mood for tonight?" In that case, it would not be this.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: Sound like a hardline group but you’re really the opposite.
CONCEPT: In this one, you call yourself something like the Nationalist Wolfpack Order, but you believe our currency should be changed into hugs.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: The “I just shit my pants” message.
CONCEPT: If anyone asks you difficult questions about your party platform, you say, “I just shit my pants.” This seriously works every time.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: Asking voters to join you in your fake fantasy realm where they will be royalty.
CONCEPT: Kind of speaks for itself. They vote for you and they become “Prince Bagginstuff of Neverbeenlaid.” You get to be president.
POLITICAL PLATFORM IDEA: “My dick is bigger than yours. Or much bigger, in the case that you don’t have a dick at all.”
CONCEPT: The last part of the message shows your acknowledgement of women voters. Good job.
Let’s face it. The whole Coronavirus thing was a crazy ride, but now it’s over. As America opens up, it’s your chance to hop on these new fun ideas before everyone else does.
Suck breathing. Instead of sex, the thrill is placing your mouth on someone else’s and just breathing.
Photo booth taco bars. Taco bars that are also in those photo booths where you cram in and have your picture taken. Only this time you’re eating tacos.
Dutch oven parties. You and thirty-six friends arrive at the party where they put a huge non-porous cover over you and you just breathe and fart on each other for an hour.
Group dressing rooms. Next time you’re at the mall, you can choose to try on clothes in the same tiny room only now it’s with twelve other people.
Cake spinning. You get a huge cake, put it on a lazy susan, and your friends surround it. Then spin and eat to break the record.
Airplane floor tables. New designer tables made from uncleaned airplane floors. Enjoy your meal.
Silly monster faces. In this new craze, you and your friend use your fingers to make the other person’s face look like a monster.
Seeing how many people can fit inside a phone booth or VW Bug. It’s back. Now’s the time.
Free face licks. The free hugs movement was too gentle and lame. Now dudes with tee-shirts just lick your face.
Recirculated air roulette. Friends gather and breathe in tubes blowing in air from random people’s mouths.
Personal space invaders. Just like the video game, a cluster of people gets closer and closer till you can’t fight them off anymore and you just submit.
Because we sympathize with the entertainment industry's struggle to make movies that aren’t derived from a comic book, the title of a pop song, or a prequel/sequel/presequel, the Interglactic Business Report has decided to hand them several ideas for origin story movies we strongly feel have serious box office potential. So, Hollywood producers...? You're welcome.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Pretty Woman.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Surprisingly attractive prostitute.
PLOT: Before Vivian became Richard Gere’s hooker with a heart of gold, she was just a hooker.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: The Fugitive.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Richard Kimble has a pretty cool life.
PLOT: Before he became the fugitive, Richard Kimble was a successful doctor with a hot wife and they did stuff together, like they went to functions and took really nice vacations. This movie is about that.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Batman.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Batman, the baby years.
PLOT: Before Bruce Wayne became the Batman, he was a baby. And his parents were super rich. And Alfred was around, but he was more like a nanny.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Get Out.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Chris loves Rose.
PLOT: Before Rose’s family tried to use Chris’s body as a human shell for a rich patron, Rose and Chris had a kind of great relationship. This film focuses on that--before things got bad. Chris and Rose go to restaurants, walk around the city, and talk about their hopes and dreams. Rose doesn’t mention that hers includes turning Chris into a human shell for a rich dude. Never even comes up.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: E.T., the Extraterrestrial.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Elliot, Michael, and Gertie: Average California kids.
PLOT: This movie shows how Elliot and his siblings lived before meeting E.T. They deal with their parents’ divorce and order pizza a lot. But they don’t do anything special. Not till they meet E.T., which doesn’t happen in this movie.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Apocolypse Now.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Apocolypse not yet: Basic Training.
PLOT: Benjamin Willard had a lot of work to do before he started hunting down Colonel Kurtz in Cambodia. As one of the most average recruits ever in the U.S. Army, it was hard for him to get through basic training. This is that story. (He gets through it.)
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Rain Man.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Raymond Babbitt watches Wapner.
PLOT: Told from the perspective of “Rain Man,” before he meets his brother Charlie, this movie is mostly about Raymond Babbitt watching episodes of “The People’s Court.”
As a long-standing service to online porn entrepreneurs, the Intergalactic Business Report sifts through available domain names to tell you what is and isn’t available. Today we focus on adult sites with a Coronavirus focus. You’re welcome.
1. Coronaboner.com is taken, but the much better coronaboning.com is there for the boning. Boner (us)! Coronabona.com also hasn’t been snatched up.
2. Don’t be fooled by its simplicity. Coronapenis.com is a great opportunity for you to corner the market on these special penises. Take it, don’t break it.
3. Covid19sex.com is, sadly, not available. As is coronavirussex.com. Lucky for you, coronaorgy.com and covid19sexparty.com are waiting for you to join them.
4. We really hoped that quarantinesex.com would be there for you. It isn’t. That’s why we found one of the greatest (and available) domains ever: quarantinebonermagic.com.
They say the Coronavirus is killing the world economy. But capitalism always finds a way to adjust and survive, almost like… a virus? Do you want to adjust and survive too? Today, the Intergalactic Business Report offers free ideas for your next business in the Corona-Era.
Take them, make them, don’t break them.
1. Booger removal services. Now that no one can touch his face and definitely not stick his finger up his nose, there needs to be a safe solution to clearing bats from your cave. Enter the booger removal industry. You send in trained, ex-fast food workers into people’s quarantined homes and have them safely remove all hard snot from customers' nasal passages using sanitized gloves or an anti-septic short-range cleaning tool (pipe-cleaner) to avoid contact.
2. Circle jerk friends club online. This service can be all yours when you set up a zoom account and sign up people from around the world to join you in a circle jerk every hour on the hour till you basically pass out or die from excessive jerking. Be careful with this one. But at five dollars each per session, you could make up to $75 dollars a night.* Not bad.
3. Sanitary hugging dolls. People love hugging. But they can’t do it anymore. Your new business solves their problem by dropping off “human-esque” hugging dolls (mannequins you found somewhere) at their homes. Don’t forget to spray those things with Lysol.
4. The “don’t touch your face” home electronic game. This fun for the family invention is a box with wires that people at home attach to their body parts. The box then scans the room and can determine when someone’s finger, hand, or whatever comes in contact with their face in any way. When someone touches his face, a massive shock is sent through him and the whole family can laugh at his reaction while also learning not to ever ever touch their faces.
5. Sanitary rescue arms. First responders need to rescue people. But it isn’t safe anymore to reach out your hand and say, “Grab my hand. I’ll save you.” That’s where sanitary rescue arms can be used. These human-esque arms (taken from a mannequin you find) can be held by the rescuer and aimed towards whoever needs help. The person in peril simply grabs the Lysol sprayed rescue arm and is pulled to safety. Note: Make sure the Lysol has dried or the victim could slip away.
6. Kissing simulator. Kissing is way too dangerous today, but people still want to give loved ones a peck on the cheek or even full on make out with them. But how without contracting a deadly virus? The kissing simulator, built by you, is the answer. This device is a highly cleaned human-like head (mannequin head you find somewhere) that each person carries with him or her. Every head has the name of someone written across the top of it. For example, husband Hank has a mannequin head with his wife Lucy’s name written on it. She has a man mannequin head with “Hank” written on it. They carry the heads with them everywhere (maybe on a chain? You figure that one out) and they kiss the heads whenever they want while you get rich and kiss all your money.**
7. Alternative stock market. This is your opportunity to own your own stock market. Think about that for a second. Even better, your stock market only goes up. What investor wouldn’t want to be in your stock market instead of the one that goes up and down all the time? Answer: None. The great thing about this business idea is that not only do you get rich, but everyone else does too. Nice job.
*Did you seriously do the math on this?
** Actually, don’t ever kiss money. It has viruses, cocaine, and feces on it.
Nervous about a speech you’re giving? Relax. The Intergalactic Business Report has you covered. This week, we give you, for free, seven ways to open your next talk. Grab these quickly, before everyone else gets up to their podiums and starts using:
1. The “jokey” opening.
“They say you should always start a speech with a joke. Well, I think this audience is a joke. Ha ha. Just joking.”
2. The “get personal with your audience immediately” opening.
“Has anyone seen my bottle of salad dressing? I know one of you motherfuckers took it. I bring my own fucking salad dressing to these things because the dressing they give you fucking sucks! And whoever took my bottle of salad dressing knows that too. And he probably forgot to bring his bottle of salad dressing and saw mine just sitting there and took it. Wait. Did I say ‘he’? I take that back. I know it was a woman, because no bro would do me like that, right bros? Will you please acknowledge me? What the fuck is wrong with you people?”
3. The “get their attention with a riveting story” opening.
“Four years ago, I was sitting at the edge of a bed in my master’s dungeon, just wondering if I’d done enough to please him or if he’d return later and tighten my nipple clamps.”
4. The “appeal to where you are” opening.
“It’s so great to be here in Tampa. Tampa’s a great city. Sounds like Tampon though. I guess it must be that time of the month every day here. Am I right?”
5. The “involve the audience” opening.
“My wife asked me this morning if I was going to jump off the stage and attack someone from the audience again. I laughed and said, ‘It just depends if anyone’s being a little bitch or not.’”
6. The “quiz the audience to get them thinking” opening.
“O.K. I’ve got a little quiz for you. Who do you think has the biggest cock here? Is it me? Why thank you.”
7. The “make it personal” opening.
“I have a list of people who signed up for this seminar. Hold on. Let me see… Derek Ruben? Are you here? What are you named after a sandwich or something? Derek Ruben… What a stupid fucking name… O.K. let’s see who else is on here… Heather Musgrave? Are you here? Wow… Are you named after road kill? Who’s next?”
Have a job but hate what people call it? Wish you did something for a living others respected or at least that sounded cool? Once again, the Intergalactic Business Report improves your life instantly by giving you, for free, totally new and unused names for common professions. Use them, don’t abuse them, and please don’t snooze them, because pretty soon everyone will be calling themselves these:
CURRENT TITLE: Grocery store cashier.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Dude who touches your food and says shit like, “Woah. Looks like we’re gonna have some steak tonight and get really really drunk. What time should I come over?”
CURRENT TITLE: Doctor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who went to medical school just so he could have a legitimate reason to touch people and put his fingers up people's asses all the time.
CURRENT TITLE: Janitor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Vomit/seamen sweeper.
CURRENT TITLE: Sales manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: High school dropout.
CURRENT TITLE: Auto mechanic.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who shows you your dirty air filter like you’re supposed to know what the fuck that means and you pay him for a new air filter because what the fuck.
CURRENT TITLE: Vice President.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Awesome suit, what the fuck do you do?
CURRENT TITLE: Engineer.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Nerd who doesn’t drive trains and kills your interest in talking to him because you thought he did when he said he was an engineer and now you have nothing to say to him because you don’t give a shit about engineers who don’t drive trains.
CURRENT TITLE: Coach.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Child mind fuck specialist.
CURRENT TITLE: Director of Marketing.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who makes up words and nods his head at meetings.
CURRENT TITLE: Social media manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Youngest person in the office.
CURRENT TITLE: Pharmacist.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Confusing fake doctor who looks at you like he shouldn’t be giving you drugs because you just handed him a note that says “Please give this man drugs. Signed Doctor Feelgood.”
Dear Burger King:
We’ve seen your ads. They’re clever, funny, even uplifting. Now, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you, for free, your new campaign. Thank us later. Start working immediately.
BURGER KING AD CAMPAIGN (GIVEN TOTALLY FREE TO BURGER KING, YOUR WELCOME):
We all know Burger King has great burgers. Now it’s time to remind people that not only are your burgers amazing, but they are even more amazing when compared to things that taste like shit.
Enter the King’s nemesis: Booger King, who is also a king, but from a netherworld, kind of like in Stranger Things, only he’s not a monster so much as an actor dressed up in a crappy, turd-stained “royal” outfit.
The unsanitary Booger King doesn’t have any personal hygiene and cooks all his burgers on a grill set up in his restaurant’s bathroom, which is also the room where people have to eat. When you go to this king’s place, you order food while watching people take dumps in the open stalls a few feet away. Ewwww.
Now we cut to a Burger King restaurant where everything is clean and up to health codes. The King takes orders, even though he can only nod, and he oversees an efficient team of clean-looking people (we say “clean-looking” because who knows what they’re like after work. They could be into all kinds of nasty shit. But that’s stuff they do on their own time, and not at Burger King). Anyway…
As the King serves up delicious burgers, he sees a Booger King ad on a television. He shakes his head in disgust as he sees his rival strut around his gross restaurant and invite customers to come there to taste their Double Booger sandwich, which is two booger (yes actual boogers) patties with some questionable sauce from squeeze bottles his employees extract from their pants. The Booger King then pulls some hair out of one of his booger burgers as flashing words say: FREE BURGERS at BOOGER KING TODAY.
All the people at Burger King see the commercial and head over for the free food. The King follows them out, trying to warn them, but to no avail.
When the droves of customers arrive at Booger King, they are all liquefied by a laser cannon that turns them into booger meat, to be used at the restaurant. Oh no!
Just then, a family of four arrives and the King stops them from entering Booger King and meeting their deaths. He points them to his Burger King restaurant, which looks shiny, new, and fresh. The family thanks and hugs him. They walk back together to enjoy burgers that aren’t made of human beings and waste.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.