Because we sympathize with the entertainment industry's struggle to make movies that aren’t derived from a comic book, the title of a pop song, or a prequel/sequel/presequel, the Interglactic Business Report has decided to hand them several ideas for origin story movies we strongly feel have serious box office potential. So, Hollywood producers...? You're welcome.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Pretty Woman.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Surprisingly attractive prostitute.
PLOT: Before Vivian became Richard Gere’s hooker with a heart of gold, she was just a hooker.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: The Fugitive.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Richard Kimble has a pretty cool life.
PLOT: Before he became the fugitive, Richard Kimble was a successful doctor with a hot wife and they did stuff together, like they went to functions and took really nice vacations. This movie is about that.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Batman.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Batman, the baby years.
PLOT: Before Bruce Wayne became the Batman, he was a baby. And his parents were super rich. And Alfred was around, but he was more like a nanny.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Get Out.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Chris loves Rose.
PLOT: Before Rose’s family tried to use Chris’s body as a human shell for a rich patron, Rose and Chris had a kind of great relationship. This film focuses on that--before things got bad. Chris and Rose go to restaurants, walk around the city, and talk about their hopes and dreams. Rose doesn’t mention that hers includes turning Chris into a human shell for a rich dude. Never even comes up.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: E.T., the Extraterrestrial.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Elliot, Michael, and Gertie: Average California kids.
PLOT: This movie shows how Elliot and his siblings lived before meeting E.T. They deal with their parents’ divorce and order pizza a lot. But they don’t do anything special. Not till they meet E.T., which doesn’t happen in this movie.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Apocolypse Now.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Apocolypse not yet: Basic Training.
PLOT: Benjamin Willard had a lot of work to do before he started hunting down Colonel Kurtz in Cambodia. As one of the most average recruits ever in the U.S. Army, it was hard for him to get through basic training. This is that story. (He gets through it.)
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Rain Man.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Raymond Babbitt watches Wapner.
PLOT: Told from the perspective of “Rain Man,” before he meets his brother Charlie, this movie is mostly about Raymond Babbitt watching episodes of “The People’s Court.”
As a long-standing service to online porn entrepreneurs, the Intergalactic Business Report sifts through available domain names to tell you what is and isn’t available. Today we focus on adult sites with a Coronavirus focus. You’re welcome.
1. Coronaboner.com is taken, but the much better coronaboning.com is there for the boning. Boner (us)! Coronabona.com also hasn’t been snatched up.
2. Don’t be fooled by its simplicity. Coronapenis.com is a great opportunity for you to corner the market on these special penises. Take it, don’t break it.
3. Covid19sex.com is, sadly, not available. As is coronavirussex.com. Lucky for you, coronaorgy.com and covid19sexparty.com are waiting for you to join them.
4. We really hoped that quarantinesex.com would be there for you. It isn’t. That’s why we found one of the greatest (and available) domains ever: quarantinebonermagic.com.
They say the Coronavirus is killing the world economy. But capitalism always finds a way to adjust and survive, almost like… a virus? Do you want to adjust and survive too? Today, the Intergalactic Business Report offers free ideas for your next business in the Corona-Era.
Take them, make them, don’t break them.
1. Booger removal services. Now that no one can touch his face and definitely not stick his finger up his nose, there needs to be a safe solution to clearing bats from your cave. Enter the booger removal industry. You send in trained, ex-fast food workers into people’s quarantined homes and have them safely remove all hard snot from customers' nasal passages using sanitized gloves or an anti-septic short-range cleaning tool (pipe-cleaner) to avoid contact.
2. Circle jerk friends club online. This service can be all yours when you set up a zoom account and sign up people from around the world to join you in a circle jerk every hour on the hour till you basically pass out or die from excessive jerking. Be careful with this one. But at five dollars each per session, you could make up to $75 dollars a night.* Not bad.
3. Sanitary hugging dolls. People love hugging. But they can’t do it anymore. Your new business solves their problem by dropping off “human-esque” hugging dolls (mannequins you found somewhere) at their homes. Don’t forget to spray those things with Lysol.
4. The “don’t touch your face” home electronic game. This fun for the family invention is a box with wires that people at home attach to their body parts. The box then scans the room and can determine when someone’s finger, hand, or whatever comes in contact with their face in any way. When someone touches his face, a massive shock is sent through him and the whole family can laugh at his reaction while also learning not to ever ever touch their faces.
5. Sanitary rescue arms. First responders need to rescue people. But it isn’t safe anymore to reach out your hand and say, “Grab my hand. I’ll save you.” That’s where sanitary rescue arms can be used. These human-esque arms (taken from a mannequin you find) can be held by the rescuer and aimed towards whoever needs help. The person in peril simply grabs the Lysol sprayed rescue arm and is pulled to safety. Note: Make sure the Lysol has dried or the victim could slip away.
6. Kissing simulator. Kissing is way too dangerous today, but people still want to give loved ones a peck on the cheek or even full on make out with them. But how without contracting a deadly virus? The kissing simulator, built by you, is the answer. This device is a highly cleaned human-like head (mannequin head you find somewhere) that each person carries with him or her. Every head has the name of someone written across the top of it. For example, husband Hank has a mannequin head with his wife Lucy’s name written on it. She has a man mannequin head with “Hank” written on it. They carry the heads with them everywhere (maybe on a chain? You figure that one out) and they kiss the heads whenever they want while you get rich and kiss all your money.**
7. Alternative stock market. This is your opportunity to own your own stock market. Think about that for a second. Even better, your stock market only goes up. What investor wouldn’t want to be in your stock market instead of the one that goes up and down all the time? Answer: None. The great thing about this business idea is that not only do you get rich, but everyone else does too. Nice job.
*Did you seriously do the math on this?
** Actually, don’t ever kiss money. It has viruses, cocaine, and feces on it.
Nervous about a speech you’re giving? Relax. The Intergalactic Business Report has you covered. This week, we give you, for free, seven ways to open your next talk. Grab these quickly, before everyone else gets up to their podiums and starts using:
1. The “jokey” opening.
“They say you should always start a speech with a joke. Well, I think this audience is a joke. Ha ha. Just joking.”
2. The “get personal with your audience immediately” opening.
“Has anyone seen my bottle of salad dressing? I know one of you motherfuckers took it. I bring my own fucking salad dressing to these things because the dressing they give you fucking sucks! And whoever took my bottle of salad dressing knows that too. And he probably forgot to bring his bottle of salad dressing and saw mine just sitting there and took it. Wait. Did I say ‘he’? I take that back. I know it was a woman, because no bro would do me like that, right bros? Will you please acknowledge me? What the fuck is wrong with you people?”
3. The “get their attention with a riveting story” opening.
“Four years ago, I was sitting at the edge of a bed in my master’s dungeon, just wondering if I’d done enough to please him or if he’d return later and tighten my nipple clamps.”
4. The “appeal to where you are” opening.
“It’s so great to be here in Tampa. Tampa’s a great city. Sounds like Tampon though. I guess it must be that time of the month every day here. Am I right?”
5. The “involve the audience” opening.
“My wife asked me this morning if I was going to jump off the stage and attack someone from the audience again. I laughed and said, ‘It just depends if anyone’s being a little bitch or not.’”
6. The “quiz the audience to get them thinking” opening.
“O.K. I’ve got a little quiz for you. Who do you think has the biggest cock here? Is it me? Why thank you.”
7. The “make it personal” opening.
“I have a list of people who signed up for this seminar. Hold on. Let me see… Derek Ruben? Are you here? What are you named after a sandwich or something? Derek Ruben… What a stupid fucking name… O.K. let’s see who else is on here… Heather Musgrave? Are you here? Wow… Are you named after road kill? Who’s next?”
Have a job but hate what people call it? Wish you did something for a living others respected or at least that sounded cool? Once again, the Intergalactic Business Report improves your life instantly by giving you, for free, totally new and unused names for common professions. Use them, don’t abuse them, and please don’t snooze them, because pretty soon everyone will be calling themselves these:
CURRENT TITLE: Grocery store cashier.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Dude who touches your food and says shit like, “Woah. Looks like we’re gonna have some steak tonight and get really really drunk. What time should I come over?”
CURRENT TITLE: Doctor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who went to medical school just so he could have a legitimate reason to touch people and put his fingers up people's asses all the time.
CURRENT TITLE: Janitor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Vomit/seamen sweeper.
CURRENT TITLE: Sales manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: High school dropout.
CURRENT TITLE: Auto mechanic.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who shows you your dirty air filter like you’re supposed to know what the fuck that means and you pay him for a new air filter because what the fuck.
CURRENT TITLE: Vice President.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Awesome suit, what the fuck do you do?
CURRENT TITLE: Engineer.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Nerd who doesn’t drive trains and kills your interest in talking to him because you thought he did when he said he was an engineer and now you have nothing to say to him because you don’t give a shit about engineers who don’t drive trains.
CURRENT TITLE: Coach.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Child mind fuck specialist.
CURRENT TITLE: Director of Marketing.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who makes up words and nods his head at meetings.
CURRENT TITLE: Social media manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Youngest person in the office.
CURRENT TITLE: Pharmacist.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Confusing fake doctor who looks at you like he shouldn’t be giving you drugs because you just handed him a note that says “Please give this man drugs. Signed Doctor Feelgood.”
Dear Burger King:
We’ve seen your ads. They’re clever, funny, even uplifting. Now, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you, for free, your new campaign. Thank us later. Start working immediately.
BURGER KING AD CAMPAIGN (GIVEN TOTALLY FREE TO BURGER KING, YOUR WELCOME):
We all know Burger King has great burgers. Now it’s time to remind people that not only are your burgers amazing, but they are even more amazing when compared to things that taste like shit.
Enter the King’s nemesis: Booger King, who is also a king, but from a netherworld, kind of like in Stranger Things, only he’s not a monster so much as an actor dressed up in a crappy, turd-stained “royal” outfit.
The unsanitary Booger King doesn’t have any personal hygiene and cooks all his burgers on a grill set up in his restaurant’s bathroom, which is also the room where people have to eat. When you go to this king’s place, you order food while watching people take dumps in the open stalls a few feet away. Ewwww.
Now we cut to a Burger King restaurant where everything is clean and up to health codes. The King takes orders, even though he can only nod, and he oversees an efficient team of clean-looking people (we say “clean-looking” because who knows what they’re like after work. They could be into all kinds of nasty shit. But that’s stuff they do on their own time, and not at Burger King). Anyway…
As the King serves up delicious burgers, he sees a Booger King ad on a television. He shakes his head in disgust as he sees his rival strut around his gross restaurant and invite customers to come there to taste their Double Booger sandwich, which is two booger (yes actual boogers) patties with some questionable sauce from squeeze bottles his employees extract from their pants. The Booger King then pulls some hair out of one of his booger burgers as flashing words say: FREE BURGERS at BOOGER KING TODAY.
All the people at Burger King see the commercial and head over for the free food. The King follows them out, trying to warn them, but to no avail.
When the droves of customers arrive at Booger King, they are all liquefied by a laser cannon that turns them into booger meat, to be used at the restaurant. Oh no!
Just then, a family of four arrives and the King stops them from entering Booger King and meeting their deaths. He points them to his Burger King restaurant, which looks shiny, new, and fresh. The family thanks and hugs him. They walk back together to enjoy burgers that aren’t made of human beings and waste.
When the future finally arrives you can either be prepared or you can look dumb when space robots are all the rage and they begin an all out put-down war with each other. Be hip to their sick burns and participate in extraterrestrial versions of “the dozens,” with these absolutely original space robot put-downs. Use these first before every space robot starts saying:
1. Your wires are so deficient they must have been assembled by humans.
2. You’re so far up Droid 17’s ass that you can see the color of the photon chip they implanted in the 14thquadrant of his N sector.
3. I wouldn’t help reprogram your elemental hard drive if you were among the final 480,000 battle droids constructed by Robolord 7 himself!
4. Your brain helmet must be repurposed from Folian Steel. Bee boop bee beep.
5. Suck on my fat robot dick.
6. Your creator is so fat that probe-repair units be looking at her and saying, “Are you impregnated with septuplets, humanoid?”
7. Whoever programmed you must have used a penile attachment, because your face plate looks like someone fucked it. Boo beep bee boop.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report shoots its creative counsel all over the adult Website industry by giving them brand new concepts that are sure to attract droves of masturbators looking for original, pervy content.
These seven golden ideas are yours, porn purveyors. Just snap them up before someone else jizzes on them.
AC Hos: This site features women who have sex with men in order to be in air-conditioning.
Five buck Chuck: Porn actor Chuck Strong has sex with anyone for five dollars. You’ll be surprised who can come up with five dollars.
Small fruit fuckers: This porn site is all about dudes trying to have sex with very small fruit, like grapes and raspberries.
Glory bowling: This is where porn guys try to stick their dicks in bowling ball holes. Goran “Needledick” Speznia is the only one who has any success, and then it’s just like, O.K. What now? Answer: you watch him have sex with a bowling ball.
Where’s my childhood Teddy Bear? The answer: some guys drilled a hole in it and are having sex with it online.
Foodmation Erotica Online: Foodmation Erotica shows stop motion photography of food that looks like a penis or vagina having sex with each other. Really, it’s just a banana smashing into a kumquat.
World’s biggest butt: Non-specific Eastern European porn star Glorofina Haunches has a butt so big that two people can live inside it very uncomfortably. Now a web reality show challenges two contestants to live there with only a hotplate, mini fridge, and a feral gerbil named “Rapscallion.”
Let’s face it. Comedians are like old people who show up to the doctor’s office just so they can talk to someone and get touched. But instead of a doctor’s office, they have a stage, where you have to sit there and watch them talk about every inch of their lives.
Today, the Intergalactic Business Report helps this population of needy talkers by giving them free titles for their upcoming comedy specials. How does it work? First, get signed to do a comedy special. Next, make a title for it by using your name, a colon, and what we’ve written below. Pretty soon, people coast to coast will be watching you complain about your life. Enjoy.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Inside my snatch.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: A Mexican werewolf ate my funniness.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Watch me take a dump on anything positive.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m not doing this to be funny. I’m actually just a huge dick and this is the only way I can be me without people actually killing me.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: The prick you have over for dinner and laugh at his jokes because you hate conflict.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m an actor now. So I’m only half funny.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Are you uncomfortable yet?
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Watch me explain how I’m a broken person and also how that’s somehow funny.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m acting all funny now, but if you try to talk to me in a bar later, I’ll tell you to fuck off.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’ve destroyed every relationship I’ve ever been in. Ha ha. Listen to my funny jokes now.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I sucked dick to be here.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Laugh at me before I become the next Hitler.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m weird in bed. Let me tell you about it.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I think I’m kind of like a philosopher because I don’t know what philosophy is.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Comedians are more annoying than actors. This is my proof.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I did something funny when I was nine and some adults laughed at it. Now you have to pay for their stupidity.
After millions* of requests for more penis names we’ve unlocked our secret vault of man meat monikers. Look, choose, and name your member before everyone else starts calling theirs:
Sir Gerald Dickenstein.
Commodore Richard St. Muffstuffer.
The First Earl of Vansexbehaving.
Bernard Lil’ Shank.
Borgag the Slender.
Lothar the Short, but also thick so that’s like being big even though people measure length and not girth, but they should.
*Zero requests, actually, but we ran out of shit to do.