Museums are places you go to feel like you give a shit about things someone created years before you were born or stopped caring about everything in the entire world. Then you have to sit there and pretend you want to be there. After that, you start wondering how long you have to look at each boring picture, vase, or sculpture. Then you decide to leave and say to everyone, “I was just at the museum and you should check out the new exhibit” and hope they don’t ask you to go with them.
Before you embark on your next fake art appreciation day, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you its reviews of the very best and very worst museums in the world. Read so that you never need again.
BEST: The Prado Museum, Madrid.
WORST: The Did Someone Eat my Fucking Pizza Museum, Cindy Mann’s Kitchen, Philadelphia.
COMPARISON: The Prado Museum features masterpieces by Rubens, Goya, and El Greco. The Did Someone Eat My Fucking Pizza Museum features pizza crusts left in a pizza container in Cindy Mann’s kitchen, where one of her roommates clearly came home drunk and ate her fucking pizza. The container now remains in her kitchen as a reminder of her roommates’ treachery.
BEST: The Smithsonian, Washington D.C.
WORST: Hairy Balls Museum, Chad Mumstead’s pants, wherever he is.
COMPARISON: The Smithsonian is a complex of museums of art, science, history, and culture. Chad Mumstead’s Hairy Balls Museum is a mobile museum, contained entirely in his pants. It travels with him everywhere and patrons must ask him to see its only exhibit, his hairy hairy balls, which happens never.
BEST: The Art Institute of Chicago.
WORST: The Fart Institute of Chicago, Trey Mandolowski’s Butthole, Chicago.
COMPARISON: The Art Institute of Chicago, known for its collection of French Impressionism, was named TripAdvisor’s Best Museum in the world. The Fart Institute of Chicago, on the other hand, was named worst smell in the world by anyone near Trey Mandolowski’s butthole from 2015-2018.
BEST: The Guggenheim Museum, New York City.
WORST: Scrotum Self-Portrait Museum, Cedric Bigglestone’s apartment hallway.
COMPARISON: The iconic Guggenheim Museum in New York is an architectural marvel on the outside and a treasure trove of art within. The Scrotum Self-Portrait Museum is a series of crudely drawn pictures that Cedric Bigglestone claims were painted by his scrotum, even though everyone tells him that using your nutsack to hold a crayon and then drawing with it doesn’t mean your scrotum did it on its own.
BEST: The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, New York City.
WORST: Jeff’s Hamster Museum, his mom’s basement.
COMPARISON: The world comes to see some of the greatest masterpieces of modern art at MOMA in New York. Meanwhile, some neighborhood kids pay Chuck E. Cheese tokens to Jeff Barney to see his group of dead hamsters which he has arranged to make it look like they’re having sex.
BEST: The Louvre, Paris.
WORST: The Most Average Penis Gallery, Diedra Day’s Iphone.
COMPARISON: The Louvre is arguably the most famous museum of art on the planet. Diedra Day’s Iphone is arguably the most viewed mobile device in her office, as she shows co-workers pictures she has collected of men’s dicks.
BEST: The British Museum, London.
WORST: Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum, Phil Ratuliak’s bathroom, Durango, Colorado.
COMPARISON: The British Museum contains artifacts including the Rosetta Stone. The Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum contains only one artifact—the shit Phil Ratuliak never flushed, thinking no one would ever believe that he crapped such a long turd. His toilet now has a “do not flush” sign above it and a glass viewing panel over the toilet bowl.
Jobs are what you do while you slowly die over fifty or sixty years, so you better pick a good one! This week the Intergalactic Business Report profiles the best and worst jobs in America. Read and don’t need ever again.
BEST: Hedge fund manager.
WORST: Assistant leg humper.
BEST: Vice-president for strategic solutions.
WORST: Semen sweeper.
BEST: Fortune 500 Board Chairman.
WORST: “Brenda’s bitch.”
WORST: Tester of the limits of butthole expansion using your own butthole.
BEST: Venture Capitalist.
WORST: Japanese pee taster.
BEST: Multi-patented inventor.
WORST: Independent human hair collector.
BEST: Famous artist.
WORST: Famous self nut puncher.
BEST: Extremely successful actor.
WORST: Ghost who never found love and haunts some girl from high school he was kind of into, but not totally.
If you’re a space creature, your name needs to demand respect and fear. That way, when people hear that “Krulldar” is invading their planet, they’ll be like, “Oh shit. Not Krulldar.” But if you go with a terrible name, your invasion may fail.
The Intergalactic Business Report has compiled the very best and worst space creature names in the universe. Don’t start your invasion without reading these first.
BEST: Krulldar, Imperial Emperor of the Topaxian Galaxy.
WORST: Bonar, Assistant Director of Marketing for the Tampaxian Galaxy.
BEST: Novalux, the Solar System Destroyer.
WORST: Bagels and Lox, comedy duo available for both bat and bar mitzvahs. (They DJ too.)
BEST: Stendarian 24, Protector of Galaxy System X49B.
WORST: Phil Ratuliak.
WORST: Lil’ Abe.
BEST: Shadow Monster.
WORST: Sticky Pantz.
BEST: Master Starbringer, Commander of the 46th Galactic Fleet.
WORST: Mister Treebanger, finder of 46 holes in trees across Jasper County, Missouri.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes deeper than ever, as we deliver you our rating for the best and worst human beings. Did you make the list?
BEST: Sandy from work, who always seems to know if something’s wrong and makes you little cards to cheer you up.
WORST: Derek, also from work, but who doesn’t work there and just sneaks in at night to take a dump in your filing cabinet.
BEST: John Wendelson, who teaches Kindergarten to special needs students even though his mathematical brain could make him millions in the business world.
WORST: Brenda Beaverson, who has a Kindergarten education and has a special need to have random sex with business men at rates that defy mathematics.
BEST: Your grandmother, who still bakes you cookies and gets you the most thoughtful birthday gifts.
WORST: Your stoner roommate, who gets baked on your birthday and isn’t thoughtful because she doesn’t have thoughts anymore.
BEST: Steve your mailman, who always has a smile and a kind word.
WORST: Brandon your estranged neighbor, who steals your mail and sends it to drug lords in the Philippines with your return address.
BEST: Cindy the nun who’s taken a vow of chastity in order to serve the lord.
WORST: Mindy, your ex-girlfriend, who’s taken a vow of nastity because she’s bored.
BEST: Jeff, from the bookstore, who always has a recommended read for you.
WORST: Gamersauce69 from Xbox live, who keeps sending you messages recommending you kill yourself because you lost to him in a video game.
BEST: That woman who died and everyone says, “She was the greatest person I’ve ever known.”
WORST: That woman who died and everyone is afraid if they say her name three times she’ll reappear and kill them.
BEST: The flight attendant who calms down nervous passengers with his soothing voice.
WORST: Ryan Seacrest.
BEST: “Three cheers” Lisa, who got her nickname by being so positive and celebrating other people.
WORTS: “Three cheese” Tony, whose nickname actually has nothing to do with food.
Soon after the phone was invented, people had to come up with things to say when they answered it. The Intergalactic Business Report compiles the very best and worst ways of doing that. If you’re someone who trains people to answer phones, feel free to use this with new employees. You’re welcome.
WORST: Who dat?
BEST: Mike speaking.
BEST: Parker residence.
WORST: Dick sucker residence.
BEST: Name of business, how may I help you?
WORST: Name of business, how may I help you suck my dick?
WORST: Hello? Suck my dick.
BEST: Mike speaking.
WORST: Speak into my mic.*
BEST: Parker residence.
WORST: Parker suck my dick residence.
BEST: Good morning, this is Sandra.
WORST: Good morning, this is Sandra’s dick. Will you suck me?
*Which means, “Suck my dick.”
This week, we reveal our best and worst resolutions for the new year:
BEST: I’m going to try to eat well and lose weight this year.
WORST: I’m going to try to win a “largest goiter” contest in Eastern Europe this summer and finally unseat Angelico Urobowic.
BEST:I’m going to open my heart and see if love finds me this year.
WORST: I’m going to open my butt and see if farts come out this year.
BEST: This year, I’m going to focus on my career and get a promotion and a pay raise.
WORST: This year, I’m going to tattoo the face of a successful person over my own face.
BEST: This will be the year of self-esteem and new confidence for me.
WORST: This will be the year I stop being such a worthless pussy and do something other than jack off and eat candy. Oh fuck it. Where’s the lube and Snickers bars?
BEST: I vow to live in the moment and be truly present this year.
WORST: I vow to remember to what?
BEST: This year I will save money and cut unneeded expenses from my budget.
WORST: This year I will invest in premium lap dances and establish a monopoly on them.
BEST: I will start my own business and live my dreams.
WORST: I will fart my own something something and something else.
Your GPS tells you the highway is all red ahead. You take an “alternative” route, and pretty soon you’re driving through small town America--that place where you need to slow down to thirty-five miles per hour and look at those stupid little signs that announce where you are and what you should think about it.
The Intergalactic Business Report went through those towns on purpose to find the very best and worst city mottos our country has to offer. What we discovered offered as much delight as it did sheer terror. See what we found below:
BEST: “The friendly city.”
WORST: “Fuck your mama.”
BEST: “Home of the state champion cross country team: 1976, 1992, 2006.”
WORST: “Home of Marvin Hammerberg, convicted serial killer. Released 2018.”
BEST: “Come stay awhile.”
WORST: “Duh fuck you want?”
BEST: “City of big dreams.”
WORST: “City where corrupt local officials stop you, break your headlight, and imprison you till you pay an outlandish ransom. Then you are publicly executed.”
BEST: “Home of the tri-state barbeque cook-off.”
WORST: “Home of the hillbilly cannibal barbeque cook-off.”
BEST: “Trout capital of America.”
WORST: “Airborne death virus capital of America.”
BEST: “Voted tree city U.S.A.”
WORST: “Voted deadliest place to drive through. Even for a few minutes. Pray you make it through this gauntlet of death.”
BEST: “Visit, work, live here.”
WORST: “Visit, be imprisoned, become slave labor for Cyrus Middleberry, our overlord who doesn’t recognize the constitution or any laws other than the ones he just makes up, live here forever.”
What’s the point of being drunk if you don’t transform into another person while you’re doing it? This week, the Intergalactic Business Report delves deep into psychology to explore and examine the best and worst kinds of drunks. Recognize someone? Maybe yourself? Is it time to start drinking again?
BEST: The drunk who tells you how beautiful/handsome you are, and how he/she always wanted to ask you out but was too intimidated.
WORST: The drunk who tells you how hot he/she is and asks you why you never asked him/her out. Was it because you were intimidated?
BEST: The drunk who offers to buy you shit, like a car, or clothes, or Taco Bell.
WORST: The drunk who asks if he can borrow five hundred dollars so he can buy a super cool lizard he saw on the internet.
BEST: The drunk who accidently flashes her boob at you.
WORST: The drunk who purposely takes out his nuts and then then zips his pants up around them so they hang there.
BEST: The drunk who pays for everyone’s bar tab.
WORST: The drunk who tells the bartender you’re paying everyone’s bar tab.
BEST: The drunk who starts giving you a massage and is really good at it.
WORST: The drunk who challenges you to a “tickle war” and then basically assaults you on your bar stool.
BEST: The drunk who reveals embarrassing sex stories about him/herself that you know he/she would never tell you sober.
WORST: The drunk who reveals embarrassing sex stories about you that you’ve never told anyone and you can’t figure out how he knows until you remember you had sex with him.
Today’s jobs are not just about salaries. The top companies and organizations keep their employees happy with an array of perks and benefits that make working there a fun, meaningful experience, while others fall short and add to the planet’s brutal tapestry of human misery.
The Intergalactic Business Report profiles some of the best and worst company benefits in America today.
BEST: Free massages on Fridays by a professional masseuse.
WORST: “Free” backrubs from Benjamin, who you hear breathing from a mile away as he approaches you and then, slowly, grabs your shoulders and begins kneading, without saying a word and then leaves ten minutes later as you cower in fear.
BEST: A company car.
WORST: A carpool you are forced into by Dominic and Randall, who don’t even live near you but made you feel sorry for them when they tricked you into going to the bar with them your first day and then told you no one from the office liked them. Now you’re stuck driving to and from work with them every day. And they have super fucked up schedules where they need to leave really early or really late because there’s a toy train show or an ultimate Frisbee game they need to go to.
BEST: An office cafeteria with totally free food.
WORST: The “homemade” crap in a greasy Tupperware container that old Jenny Vanderwiel brings you each and every fucking day because she decided that she was going to “adopt” you as her niece or some such shit. And if you bring other food or try to sneak out to lunch she looks at you like you just spent her 401K on cocaine. So you stay. And eat. Every day…
BEST: Flexible work hours.
WORST: Helping Marvin Jacobs sort out his desk on the weekends because he has some learning disability you’ve never heard of. And you don’t want to question that he even has one at all because you got in trouble once when you mentioned you saw Terrence out drinking even though he tells everyone he’s been sober for twelve years. So, there you are. Asking Marvin where he wants you to put his fucking calculator because he can’t figure out how to pick it up and set it down somewhere on his enormous ass desk.
BEST: An amazing benefits package.
WORST: Chad Harving nudging Sam Bailey every time he hears the word “package” at a meeting about your crappy benefits and then pointing down to his junk until they both start giggling like two monkeys doing whippits.
The Intergalactic Business Report visited every conceivable city, neighborhood, and community to determine where, in America today, is the very best and worst place you can find yourself dwelling. From the West to East Coasts and everything in between, the results may surprise you.
Our report on America’s best and worst places to live reveals that the “worst” list is significantly longer than the “best.” Does this tell us something about where the country is and where it may be going?
Best places to live in America:
Worst places to live in America:
*Note that this is both in the best and worst categories, with the main difference being your mom’s state of being (drunk or not) and whether she’s back together with Randy.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.