Don’t feel bad about your self-quarantines and shelter in place orders. It could be worse. Just check out Mayor Carlos Montalvinho’s town.
YOUR RULES: Stores are closed, except for essential services like groceries and gas.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Everything’s open and you are required to enter days long “Lambada” contests to prove your loyalty to Carlos. First one to stop dancing is a snitch. Last one standing is considered loyal… Till the next Lambada contest the next day.
YOUR RULES: You need to keep at least six feet of distance between you and others.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Dig your own grave six feet deep and have it ready in case Carlos decides you’re a snitch.
YOUR RULES: Wash your hands thoroughly for about a minute.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: File the fingerprints off your hands thoroughly for about five hours so that no one can trace you.
YOUR RULES: Don’t breathe or expel saliva around other people.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Carlos is constantly doing “lineups” where villagers like you need to stand silently as he marches up and down the line and complains about the lack of loyalty and how all of you are probably snitches. He tends to spit a lot when he talks. Probably doesn’t mean to. But he does and it’s a ton of spit.
YOUR RULES: Use “contactless” food delivery.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Sancho, the village cook, isn’t allowed to use a spoon to stir or serve things anymore because Carlos thinks he may try to murder him with it. But Carlos hasn’t killed him yet because he’s the only cook. So, anyway, you need to eat whatever Sancho stirs and serves you with his hands.
YOUR RULES: Wear a mask to cover your mouth and nose.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Wear a mask to hide your identity as you are forced to rob banks and grocery stores in neighboring towns.
YOUR RULES: Sanitize surfaces with disinfectant.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Sanitize dead bodies with lye.
YOUR RULES: You can take walks with your family.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Your “family” is the other drug mules, assassins, and prostitutes you live and work with. You can take walks with them. Just don’t leave your assigned area of the village, look like you’re stealing anything, or wear clothes where you could hide stuff you’re stealing.
Lockdown. Quarantine. Shelter in Place. Shakedown. Breakdown. You’re busted. As we prepare to hole up in our homes for extended times, Americans must have options for what to do while there. We give them to you. The Best. The Worst. You choose.
BEST: Playing board games with your family.
WORST: Creating a homemade puzzle of a clown’s face out of pudding.
BEST: Face-timing friends and relatives to catch up and make sure they’re all right.
WORST: Trying to contact UFOs without leaving your house by yelling loud enough for them to hear you.
BEST: Binge watch those shows you’ve been meaning to get to.
WORST: Stare at that weird part of your wall till it finally opens up and allows you into a Narnia-type world where you are king.
BEST: Keep a journal where you write about all the things you’re thankful for.
WORST: Finally get back to your “hit list” where you compile all the names of people who’ve wronged you over the years.
BEST: Play chess online to sharpen your mind.
WORST: Play Russian roulette online with real Russians.
BEST: Write that novel, screenplay, poem you always promised yourself you would.
WORST: Complete your manifesto for how you will create of a race of Bigfoots who you will use to destroy the human race (except you).
BEST: Work out. Exercise till you lose some weight and get in great shape.
WORST: Set a goal to leave quarantine with a ten-inch penis and give yourself no room for failure.
BEST: Read a book.
WORST: Finally figure out how to suck your own dick so that you don’t care about the quarantine anymore.
The debate is endless. Who was the greatest fighter ever? Historians and sports enthusiasts will differ, but after an extensive study of fighters from all disciplines and eras, the Intergalactic Business Report has calculated definitively the best and worst fighters of all time.
Our complex algorithm sifted through thousands of data sets and accounted for every variable imaginable. Therefore, we feel strongly that our results are certified and actual. And now, the best and worst fighters of all time…
BEST FIGHTER OF ALL TIME: Mike Tyson.
WORST FIGHTER OF ALL TIME: Your mom fighting urges to have sex with random men.
Prank phone calls. They’re hilarious. But they’re also only as good as the fake name you give the one you’re pranking. Using its exclusive language arts computer algorithm, the Intergalactic Business Report has generated a brand new list of sure to make your next crank call's the best ever. Just say hello and ask for:
BEST: Gather your best friends, find a quiet pub, and ring in the new year with laughter and thought-provoking conversation.
WORST: Find a quiet pub and stare at the group of best friends at the other table. Laugh loudly when they laugh. Then ask if one of them will help you use the bathroom.
BEST: Take the one you love on a romantic date that features champagne, exquisite food, and ends with you kissing as fireworks explode in the distance.
WORST: Take someone who likes you way more than you like them on a booze cruise where you hook up with the bartender in the bathroom and accidentally explode in your pants.
BEST: Take stock of your past year by recalling your triumphs and learning from your errors. Make a plan for how next year will be even better.
WORST: Change the date on your phone and pretend it’s a time before you completely fucked up your life.
BEST: Call old friends and wish them Happy New Year!
WORST: Do that thing where you call your friend you haven’t seen since high school but you won’t say who you are and then the cops have to tell him that the phone call is coming from inside his house.
BEST: Crack open a bottle of bubbly and watch a fireworks show.
WORST: Smoke crack with some dude named Bobby Bubbly and watch him freak out about some football team you’ve never heard of, mainly because it only exists in Bobby’s mind and they’re about to lose the fucking Super Bowl unless he shoots you.
BEST: Celebrate hard with your wildest friends on a New Year’s Eve pub crawl.
WORST: Celebrate hard by having a full-on erection that makes everyone uncomfortable to the point they’re saying things like, “Who let this guy in?” and “Is this the guy the cops are looking for?”
Charities. You give them money so you don’t have to do anything yourself except give money and then you wonder if they’re even doing anything with the money you gave them so you wait for a letter or phone call to tell you what they’re doing only they just call to see if you’ll give them more and you do because you don’t want to do anything yourself and so on…
Today, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals the world’s best and worst among them so you can act informed as you blithely donate, wait, and masturbate.
BEST: Heifer International. “Working to end hunger and poverty around the world by providing livestock and training to struggling communities.”
WORST: Greek farmers’ Dating Association. Tinder style matching between livestock and Greek farmers.
BEST: United Way. “Fights for the health, education, and financial stability of every person in every community.”
WORST: Mr. Frenner’s Way. Junior high Vice-Principal Gerald Frenner has some pretty strict rules for how things should be done. Now you can subsidize his income as he punishes students who misuse chewing gum and ask to use the bathroom but are really going there to vape only to find Mr. Frenner in the next stall, waiting to bust them.
BEST: World Wildlife Fund (WWF). “The leading organization in wildlife conservation and endangered species.”
WORST: World Wrestling Federation (WWF).
BEST: Sierra Club. “Explore, enjoy, and protect the planet.”
WORST: I Give Up Club. “Saying, fuck this, it’s too hard, and just getting on with your life.”
BEST: Ducks Unlimited. “Conserves, restores, and manages wetlands and associated habitats for North America's waterfowl.”
WORST: Chupacabras Unlimited. “Conserves, restores, and manages habitats for North America’s Chupacabras.”
BEST: Future Farmers of America. “Preparing members for leadership and careers in the science, business and technology of agriculture.”
WORST: Future Pork Pullers of America. A charity focused on group masturbation somehow bringing about world peace, which it would, if everyone jacked off at exactly the same time, making it very difficult to hold weapons or chase people.
Nobody ever says no to getting drunk (unless you’re a freak), but you may want to say no to some of America’s worst cocktails.
The Intergalactic Business Report recently did a deep dive into our country’s hottest bars to uncover some of the very best and very worst drinks. See them below:
WORST: Butt plug selzer.
BEST: Gin Fizz.
WORST: Shit water on ice.
BEST: Peppermint Pattie.
WORST: Crème de Menthe with mild ass drippings.
WORST: Bung cup with a cucumber garnish.
BEST: Finger stirred Negroni.
WORST: Penis stirred vodka shooter.
BEST: Jonn the Beachcomber.
WORST: John Fabrizio’s frumunda cheese cocktail sandwich.
BEST: Old Fashioned.
WORST: The super old-fashioned: Grandma’s ballsack infused copper ale.
WORST: Pube strained Tequilla with a lemon twist.
As we become mired in the summer music festival season, the Intergalactic Business Report rates the best and worst places to go if you want to spend your time kind of hearing music while smelling the body odor of dudes in tank tops while you figure out whether it’s their stench or the alcohol that’s going to make you collapse and forget you were even there.
BEST: Coachella. Plan ahead for the 2020 event as tickets went on sale this June.
WORST: Coach Ella. We recommend skipping this festival run by former women’s volleyball coach Ella Sundberry because it’s basically her and a guitar that she doesn’t really know how to play and she just stares at you like she’s going to eat you or something.
BEST: Pitchfork. In it’s 14th year, Pitchfork will feature 40+ acts in Chicago’s Union Park.
WORST: BitchMork. In it’s 1st year ever, Robin Williams impersonator Jerry Fitzellis plays a bitchy version of Mork from Ork as he guides you through a universe of his favorite Yacht Rock songs that he’s pretty sure Mork would have listened to in 1979 Boulder, Colorado.*
BEST: Lollapalooza. Come to Grant Park in Chicago for the millionth year of this cultural fixture.
WORST: Larry’s pal Louisa. Larry couldn’t play music, so his friend Louisa does for him. And it’s all an interpretation of whatever she believes Larry is thinking. And it sounds kind of like someone screaming for an hour. Mostly because Louisa just screams for about an hour. Oh, and they don’t sell alcohol.
BEST: Glastonbury. Come out to Worthy Farm in the U.K. to see some of the biggest names in music.
WORST: The best of Masterpiece Theatre song festival. This British music fest features your favorite instrumental music from Masterpiece Theatre shows like I Claudius, Jeeves and Wooster, and Blimey, the first intellectual prank show from 1973 in which jokesters use improper grammar in public settings and wait for horrified reactions from their unsuspecting victims.
BEST: Bonnaroo. 150 plus epic performances somewhere in Tennessee.
WORST: Boneroo. Kind of the same only it’s a penis measuring contest with no music whatsoever. It is, however, in rural Tennessee, so there’s that.
BEST: Woodstock 50. Celebrate the 50th anniversary of the iconic music fest in Watkins Glen, NY.
WORST: The real Woodstock 50. This competing festival features dirty hippies who grope you while you take a mud shower.
*We might actually switch this one to the “best” category.
It’s the future and instead of cars we all have spaceships. Or, more realistically, it’s not the future but you think about what you would name a spaceship if you had one, in the future.
Whatever the situation, you only get one chance to give your vessel a title that befits it, so don’t screw it up by naming it one of the worst names ever. Take our advice below and command the universe.
BEST: Star searcher 9.
WORST: Star search hosted by Ed McMahon.
BEST: Universe explorer.
WORST: Feelings Explorer.
BEST: Space seeker 1.
WORST: Vagina seeker 69 (decommissioned for failure to find anything).
BEST: Odyssey 41.
WORST: Odd sister who’s forty-one and still isn’t married. Doesn’t even have a boyfriend.
BEST: Limitless 6.
WORST: Need to be home for dinner at six.
BEST: Battle fleet commander.
WORST: Butt and feet that smell like coriander.
WORST: Talks a lot of shit but pussies out of the actual fight(er).
Museums are places you go to feel like you give a shit about things someone created years before you were born or stopped caring about everything in the entire world. Then you have to sit there and pretend you want to be there. After that, you start wondering how long you have to look at each boring picture, vase, or sculpture. Then you decide to leave and say to everyone, “I was just at the museum and you should check out the new exhibit” and hope they don’t ask you to go with them.
Before you embark on your next fake art appreciation day, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you its reviews of the very best and very worst museums in the world. Read so that you never need again.
BEST: The Prado Museum, Madrid.
WORST: The Did Someone Eat my Fucking Pizza Museum, Cindy Mann’s Kitchen, Philadelphia.
COMPARISON: The Prado Museum features masterpieces by Rubens, Goya, and El Greco. The Did Someone Eat My Fucking Pizza Museum features pizza crusts left in a pizza container in Cindy Mann’s kitchen, where one of her roommates clearly came home drunk and ate her fucking pizza. The container now remains in her kitchen as a reminder of her roommates’ treachery.
BEST: The Smithsonian, Washington D.C.
WORST: Hairy Balls Museum, Chad Mumstead’s pants, wherever he is.
COMPARISON: The Smithsonian is a complex of museums of art, science, history, and culture. Chad Mumstead’s Hairy Balls Museum is a mobile museum, contained entirely in his pants. It travels with him everywhere and patrons must ask him to see its only exhibit, his hairy hairy balls, which happens never.
BEST: The Art Institute of Chicago.
WORST: The Fart Institute of Chicago, Trey Mandolowski’s Butthole, Chicago.
COMPARISON: The Art Institute of Chicago, known for its collection of French Impressionism, was named TripAdvisor’s Best Museum in the world. The Fart Institute of Chicago, on the other hand, was named worst smell in the world by anyone near Trey Mandolowski’s butthole from 2015-2018.
BEST: The Guggenheim Museum, New York City.
WORST: Scrotum Self-Portrait Museum, Cedric Bigglestone’s apartment hallway.
COMPARISON: The iconic Guggenheim Museum in New York is an architectural marvel on the outside and a treasure trove of art within. The Scrotum Self-Portrait Museum is a series of crudely drawn pictures that Cedric Bigglestone claims were painted by his scrotum, even though everyone tells him that using your nutsack to hold a crayon and then drawing with it doesn’t mean your scrotum did it on its own.
BEST: The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, New York City.
WORST: Jeff’s Hamster Museum, his mom’s basement.
COMPARISON: The world comes to see some of the greatest masterpieces of modern art at MOMA in New York. Meanwhile, some neighborhood kids pay Chuck E. Cheese tokens to Jeff Barney to see his group of dead hamsters which he has arranged to make it look like they’re having sex.
BEST: The Louvre, Paris.
WORST: The Most Average Penis Gallery, Diedra Day’s Iphone.
COMPARISON: The Louvre is arguably the most famous museum of art on the planet. Diedra Day’s Iphone is arguably the most viewed mobile device in her office, as she shows co-workers pictures she has collected of men’s dicks.
BEST: The British Museum, London.
WORST: Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum, Phil Ratuliak’s bathroom, Durango, Colorado.
COMPARISON: The British Museum contains artifacts including the Rosetta Stone. The Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum contains only one artifact—the shit Phil Ratuliak never flushed, thinking no one would ever believe that he crapped such a long turd. His toilet now has a “do not flush” sign above it and a glass viewing panel over the toilet bowl.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.