This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes deeper than ever, as we deliver you our rating for the best and worst human beings. Did you make the list?
BEST: Sandy from work, who always seems to know if something’s wrong and makes you little cards to cheer you up.
WORST: Derek, also from work, but who doesn’t work there and just sneaks in at night to take a dump in your filing cabinet.
BEST: John Wendelson, who teaches Kindergarten to special needs students even though his mathematical brain could make him millions in the business world.
WORST: Brenda Beaverson, who has a Kindergarten education and has a special need to have random sex with business men at rates that defy mathematics.
BEST: Your grandmother, who still bakes you cookies and gets you the most thoughtful birthday gifts.
WORST: Your stoner roommate, who gets baked on your birthday and isn’t thoughtful because she doesn’t have thoughts anymore.
BEST: Steve your mailman, who always has a smile and a kind word.
WORST: Brandon your estranged neighbor, who steals your mail and sends it to drug lords in the Philippines with your return address.
BEST: Cindy the nun who’s taken a vow of chastity in order to serve the lord.
WORST: Mindy, your ex-girlfriend, who’s taken a vow of nastity because she’s bored.
BEST: Jeff, from the bookstore, who always has a recommended read for you.
WORST: Gamersauce69 from Xbox live, who keeps sending you messages recommending you kill yourself because you lost to him in a video game.
BEST: That woman who died and everyone says, “She was the greatest person I’ve ever known.”
WORST: That woman who died and everyone is afraid if they say her name three times she’ll reappear and kill them.
BEST: The flight attendant who calms down nervous passengers with his soothing voice.
WORST: Ryan Seacrest.
BEST: “Three cheers” Lisa, who got her nickname by being so positive and celebrating other people.
WORTS: “Three cheese” Tony, whose nickname actually has nothing to do with food.
Soon after the phone was invented, people had to come up with things to say when they answered it. The Intergalactic Business Report compiles the very best and worst ways of doing that. If you’re someone who trains people to answer phones, feel free to use this with new employees. You’re welcome.
WORST: Who dat?
BEST: Mike speaking.
BEST: Parker residence.
WORST: Dick sucker residence.
BEST: Name of business, how may I help you?
WORST: Name of business, how may I help you suck my dick?
WORST: Hello? Suck my dick.
BEST: Mike speaking.
WORST: Speak into my mic.*
BEST: Parker residence.
WORST: Parker suck my dick residence.
BEST: Good morning, this is Sandra.
WORST: Good morning, this is Sandra’s dick. Will you suck me?
*Which means, “Suck my dick.”
This week, we reveal our best and worst resolutions for the new year:
BEST: I’m going to try to eat well and lose weight this year.
WORST: I’m going to try to win a “largest goiter” contest in Eastern Europe this summer and finally unseat Angelico Urobowic.
BEST:I’m going to open my heart and see if love finds me this year.
WORST: I’m going to open my butt and see if farts come out this year.
BEST: This year, I’m going to focus on my career and get a promotion and a pay raise.
WORST: This year, I’m going to tattoo the face of a successful person over my own face.
BEST: This will be the year of self-esteem and new confidence for me.
WORST: This will be the year I stop being such a worthless pussy and do something other than jack off and eat candy. Oh fuck it. Where’s the lube and Snickers bars?
BEST: I vow to live in the moment and be truly present this year.
WORST: I vow to remember to what?
BEST: This year I will save money and cut unneeded expenses from my budget.
WORST: This year I will invest in premium lap dances and establish a monopoly on them.
BEST: I will start my own business and live my dreams.
WORST: I will fart my own something something and something else.
Your GPS tells you the highway is all red ahead. You take an “alternative” route, and pretty soon you’re driving through small town America--that place where you need to slow down to thirty-five miles per hour and look at those stupid little signs that announce where you are and what you should think about it.
The Intergalactic Business Report went through those towns on purpose to find the very best and worst city mottos our country has to offer. What we discovered offered as much delight as it did sheer terror. See what we found below:
BEST: “The friendly city.”
WORST: “Fuck your mama.”
BEST: “Home of the state champion cross country team: 1976, 1992, 2006.”
WORST: “Home of Marvin Hammerberg, convicted serial killer. Released 2018.”
BEST: “Come stay awhile.”
WORST: “Duh fuck you want?”
BEST: “City of big dreams.”
WORST: “City where corrupt local officials stop you, break your headlight, and imprison you till you pay an outlandish ransom. Then you are publicly executed.”
BEST: “Home of the tri-state barbeque cook-off.”
WORST: “Home of the hillbilly cannibal barbeque cook-off.”
BEST: “Trout capital of America.”
WORST: “Airborne death virus capital of America.”
BEST: “Voted tree city U.S.A.”
WORST: “Voted deadliest place to drive through. Even for a few minutes. Pray you make it through this gauntlet of death.”
BEST: “Visit, work, live here.”
WORST: “Visit, be imprisoned, become slave labor for Cyrus Middleberry, our overlord who doesn’t recognize the constitution or any laws other than the ones he just makes up, live here forever.”
What’s the point of being drunk if you don’t transform into another person while you’re doing it? This week, the Intergalactic Business Report delves deep into psychology to explore and examine the best and worst kinds of drunks. Recognize someone? Maybe yourself? Is it time to start drinking again?
BEST: The drunk who tells you how beautiful/handsome you are, and how he/she always wanted to ask you out but was too intimidated.
WORST: The drunk who tells you how hot he/she is and asks you why you never asked him/her out. Was it because you were intimidated?
BEST: The drunk who offers to buy you shit, like a car, or clothes, or Taco Bell.
WORST: The drunk who asks if he can borrow five hundred dollars so he can buy a super cool lizard he saw on the internet.
BEST: The drunk who accidently flashes her boob at you.
WORST: The drunk who purposely takes out his nuts and then then zips his pants up around them so they hang there.
BEST: The drunk who pays for everyone’s bar tab.
WORST: The drunk who tells the bartender you’re paying everyone’s bar tab.
BEST: The drunk who starts giving you a massage and is really good at it.
WORST: The drunk who challenges you to a “tickle war” and then basically assaults you on your bar stool.
BEST: The drunk who reveals embarrassing sex stories about him/herself that you know he/she would never tell you sober.
WORST: The drunk who reveals embarrassing sex stories about you that you’ve never told anyone and you can’t figure out how he knows until you remember you had sex with him.
Today’s jobs are not just about salaries. The top companies and organizations keep their employees happy with an array of perks and benefits that make working there a fun, meaningful experience, while others fall short and add to the planet’s brutal tapestry of human misery.
The Intergalactic Business Report profiles some of the best and worst company benefits in America today.
BEST: Free massages on Fridays by a professional masseuse.
WORST: “Free” backrubs from Benjamin, who you hear breathing from a mile away as he approaches you and then, slowly, grabs your shoulders and begins kneading, without saying a word and then leaves ten minutes later as you cower in fear.
BEST: A company car.
WORST: A carpool you are forced into by Dominic and Randall, who don’t even live near you but made you feel sorry for them when they tricked you into going to the bar with them your first day and then told you no one from the office liked them. Now you’re stuck driving to and from work with them every day. And they have super fucked up schedules where they need to leave really early or really late because there’s a toy train show or an ultimate Frisbee game they need to go to.
BEST: An office cafeteria with totally free food.
WORST: The “homemade” crap in a greasy Tupperware container that old Jenny Vanderwiel brings you each and every fucking day because she decided that she was going to “adopt” you as her niece or some such shit. And if you bring other food or try to sneak out to lunch she looks at you like you just spent her 401K on cocaine. So you stay. And eat. Every day…
BEST: Flexible work hours.
WORST: Helping Marvin Jacobs sort out his desk on the weekends because he has some learning disability you’ve never heard of. And you don’t want to question that he even has one at all because you got in trouble once when you mentioned you saw Terrence out drinking even though he tells everyone he’s been sober for twelve years. So, there you are. Asking Marvin where he wants you to put his fucking calculator because he can’t figure out how to pick it up and set it down somewhere on his enormous ass desk.
BEST: An amazing benefits package.
WORST: Chad Harving nudging Sam Bailey every time he hears the word “package” at a meeting about your crappy benefits and then pointing down to his junk until they both start giggling like two monkeys doing whippits.
The Intergalactic Business Report visited every conceivable city, neighborhood, and community to determine where, in America today, is the very best and worst place you can find yourself dwelling. From the West to East Coasts and everything in between, the results may surprise you.
Our report on America’s best and worst places to live reveals that the “worst” list is significantly longer than the “best.” Does this tell us something about where the country is and where it may be going?
Best places to live in America:
Worst places to live in America:
*Note that this is both in the best and worst categories, with the main difference being your mom’s state of being (drunk or not) and whether she’s back together with Randy.
Bar room threats. They happen when someone’s had enough of drinking and wants to get to fighting. But in order to reach the bliss of swinging your drunk arms in the parking lot at another guy’s drunk face, you need to say something to set everything in motion. The Intergalactic Business Report has used its proprietary computer and linguistics system to offer you the very best and worst ways to ignite an alcohol-induced battle.
1. “You got a looking problem?” The power behind this query is that the subject isn’t sure what, exactly, a looking problem is. Are you saying he’s cross-eyed or are you suggesting he’s got a problem looking at you? No matter, you’re fighting now.
2. “What are you looking at?” Similiar to number one, this line entices your future sloppy fighting opponent to respond with “not much,” “your ugly face,” or almost an endless array of low-grade insults that will kick off a slow-paced wrestling/pushing/feel up session out back. And, bonus, if he says “nothing” then you can easily escalate by saying, “What? You think I’m nothing?” This is the check-mate of bar room fight provocations.
3. “What did you say to me?” Feel free to substitute, “what did you call me?” This quickly puts you at an advantage over your opponent, because, like number two, he must decide whether to say a snarky insult or simply go with the lame, “uh, nothing?”
1. “I don’t know whether to fuck you or fight you.” Well, make up your mind. It’s almost last call.
2. “I came here to drink beer and kick ass, and I’m all out of beer.” No you aren’t. You’re in a bar, so…
3. “I oughta murderize you!” This may actually be in the wrong column. Anyone who ever says this preceding a bar fight is officially the new king of bar fights.
1. Will Smith. Sure, a dinner with Will Smith sounds great, but then, just after the water comes, would also come his advice… And, whatever you do, don’t tell him you want to be an actor, like him, or he’s liable to go off on you about your lack of drive and desire and how you need to start by controlling what you put in your mouth, like that piece of bread the waiter just brought you. Anyway, you get the picture.
2. Dwayne, “the Rock” Johnson. We feel strongly that dinner with Dwayne Johnson would be little more than an all-out enthusiasm contest which you would quickly lose. As your smile breaks and Dwayne sees you’ve weakened, he will surely begin to impart his own sage advice to better living, working, and probably about how all your friends are dragging you down. (He’s right about the last point, of course.)
3. Bob Villa. No explanation needed.
1. Carrot Top. We rank the comedian at the “top” of our carrot, because we feel strongly that any negative interaction with him would be quickly numbed by the constant thought: “Why the fuck am I eating dinner with Carrot Top? How did this happen?”
2. Robert Townsend. Because even if he’s a total dick, who cares? He’s Robert Townsend and you get to eat dinner with him, so shut up.
3. David Copperfield. This counterintuitive choice is based on the idea that anyone who seems to be that big of an asshole must be the opposite. Right?
Bonus: Celebrity dinner matchups we’d like to see:
1. Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and Terry Crews. Finally, a match for Dwayne’s unhealthy, motivational speaker mania. Two men enter, one man leaves early because he has a “thing” he needs to get to.
2. Will Smith and Tony Robbins. There can be only one.
3. “Mur” from Impractical Jokers and Bob Villa. No explanation needed.
*Not an actual photo of Will Smith. We don’t use celebrity photos, or photos of anyone’s distinguishable image because, like a primitive but litigious tribe who thinks their souls will be stolen if we actually post a picture of them, people sue if you show them online. Yup. They do. If you are a celebrity, or anyone else, and you want to give us the right to use your image, let us know. We’ll probably use it. Otherwise, we show you fake stuff.
Every time you hear a tweenager talk about “roasting” someone, remember that in the 1980’s people straight up burned people. Using our proprietary research engines, The Intergalactic Business report has sifted through thousands of Reagan-era insults to give you the absolute best and worst ones.
1. Party in your mom’s butt. Everybody’s coming. What we love about this classic eighties slam is that it comes in two parts. First there’s the invitation to a party, which is in the putdown victim’s mother’s butt. Then there’s the play on words/double entendre about who’s attending/having an orgasm.
2. Bite the big one. Commanding someone to suck a dick is always a totally awesome rip. But this goes beyond that. It tells the subject to bite, not suck, and not on some small penis, but on one so big it is simply called “the big one” because, presumably, everyone recognizes it as such.
1. Your mom wears combat boots. Apparently in the eighties it was really embarrassing to wear boots made for combat. And, apparently, it was even worse if you were someone’s mother.
2. Speak into the mic (must be said while pretending to hold a penis in your hand). As in number 2 above, this is yet another dick command/invitation, but in this one the penis is a microphone and no one is asked to actually suck or bite it. Just speak into it. Lame.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.