As a science-based publication, the Intergalactic Business Report usually doesn’t delve into the supernatural, unless it has to do with buying ancient mythical artifacts from the internet, interviewing the devil, or capturing leprechauns.
But a new reader survey has revealed some exciting and unsettling things about the power of reading IBR. While some feel our articles deplete their life energy, others* are reporting magical effects from reading our work.
Below we have compiled a sample of insights from our readers. Read them and then read us. You may be in for a massive life change.
“After reading IBR I feel like I can get any woman I want.”
“IBR’s given me the power to see the color of people’s souls.”
“I was bad at math. Now my teacher says I’m a genius. Must be IBR.”
“I used to lick things and get sick. Now I lick things and get incredibly sick.”
“I always wanted to be a superhero. The kind that can fly. After reading the Intergalactic Business Report, I think I’m going to try it.”
“The part of my brain that warns me of danger has been turned off after reading the Intergalactic Business Report. Now I’m free to do whatever I want with no worries.”
“When I bounce on a trampoline, I feel like I’m levitating for a second. I don’t think I would have had that without IBR.”
“Thanks to the fitness tips I learned through the Intergalactic Business Report, I can finally felate myself. Now I’m never leaving my house. Thanks, IBR.”
“Sometimes I’ll read an IBR article and suddenly feel like I have the strength of ten men. Although I have no martial arts training, that strength is going to carry me to victory tonight when I challenge Sergei “Deathmaster” Andropov to an impromptu fight in the parking lot outside the UFC gym.”
“I think my face has changed after reading the Intergalactic Business Report. When I stare in the mirror, my nose is bigger. I think that’s good?”
“I opened my freezer today and like a million dollars fell out. Thanks, IBR.”
“My penis has grown two inches since I got an erection.”
*Although we did not formally receive any of these testimonials, and although we did not have an actual, formal reader survey, we feel these quotes are representative of what most IBR readers would tell us had we asked them.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.