The internet has been described as not only a marketplace of ideas, but a marketplace for things you buy. The Intergalactic Business Report believes this so strongly that we’ve pushed the limits of commerce by purchasing a “mask of jesus,” a “cane of truth,” an “alien mind probe,” “Excalibur,” and a “cloak of invisibility” all online. What could we possibly buy next? You guessed it. An alien spider egg. See what we learned below:
1. There’s a lot of debate surrounding what is and isn’t an alien spider egg. Apparently, the whole subject of alien spider eggs can set off a massive nerd war on the internet, with everybody from paid nerd entomologists to just regular nerds who talk about “face huggers” from some movie they’ve seen eighty times. We went around this conflict by locating a guy who said he’d do the internet search for us for several thousand dollars. He went into a Starbucks and returned several minutes later with a venti coffee with half and half and a lot of sugar. He also said for five grand he could get us three eggs. We thought that sounded good and agreed immediately.*
2. Alien spider eggs are a poor choice as a general purchase. Besides the enormous cost of the egg, when you break it open a spider crawls out and you sit there and think, “Why did I buy this?” Then the spider crawls away to have babies that will be somewhere in your house. Luckily we performed all experiments in an intern’s apartment, which we recommend for all experiments.**
3. Alien spider eggs are difficult to eat. The eggs are very large and a member of our team tried to eat one, which released a spider upon the first bite. That sucked. We think it might have entered his mouth.
4. Alien spider egg shells are extremely brittle. When whipped against the intern’s apartment wall, the egg immediately shattered, releasing several baby spiders, who scurried away. One of us remarked, “What the fuck just happened?” and another one of us just sat there, kind of freaked out and scared, but said nothing because he didn’t want to seem like a pussy, but left a few minutes later citing he had some shit to do somewhere else.
5. Conclusion: Alien spider eggs suck. Hard. Three eggs cost us close to twenty thousand dollars when we started adding in the shipping costs the guy at Starbucks charged us as well as the one-time service fee he demanded before giving us the eggs. Three eggs lasted us about ten minutes and completely infested the intern’s apartment with dangerous insects that are apparently causing some kind of panic as the spiders multiply and spread all over the city.***
*We’ve learned from previous experiences that spending a lot of time on thought and thinking, especially in the context of making decisions, is something we can’t remember. So we just do things. Kind of like Nike.
**The Intergalactic Business Report offers an amazing summer and year-round unpaid internships for anyone interested. Send us a note at email@example.com and tell us about yourself.
***Some local “authorities” gave us some bullshit about how this could lead to the end of our “civilization” if we can’t get this shit under control because the spiders are immune to pesticides and have some kind of special alien armor that protects them from everything. Oh, and they also have venom that kills you in like ten seconds. Whatever.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.