 Ask yourself, "Da fuh is he doing to my mouth?" You go to the dentist. He looks around in your mouth and says stuff. You nod and pay him money. Then he drills the fuck out of your teeth. In what world is this okay? For many years, the Intergalactic Business Report has suspected that the profession of dentistry is fake, but we could never definitively prove it… Till now… Following an exhaustive investigation of the dental industrial complex (including dental “schools” and offices all over the country) IBR offers conclusive evidence that the entire practice is a made-up money grab that steals from you as it makes mouth molesting “dentists” rich. Here’s the proof: 1. Those aren’t X rays you’re seeing. Dentists always show you pictures of your teeth, point at them, and say, “Look. See that?” and you have no idea what they’re talking about but you nod anyway. We found that the picture they show you is just a black and white close up of a man’s teeth from 1959. They just share that photo and show it to everyone and then make up shit about what it means. For instance: “See that? That’s a cavity. That’s bad. That needs to be fixed. Now give me some money.” 2. They numb you, so they can pillage your mouth with their medieval tools. Numbing, or “incapacitating the victim,” as dentists will call it in private, is a way to make sure you can’t feel the horror of what they choose to do inside your mouth. If you look over, you may see an area where they’ve set out all their little knives and pokers, and you naturally look away, because you don’t want to think about those things tearing through your burrito eater. But next time, look closely and you’ll see they are the same tools used in torture chambers in the middle ages and passed down generation after generation till your torturer got them.* 3. You can never see what the fuck they’re doing. Dentists put on some music or, in some cases, harness you with a contraption that lets you watch movies. This is to distract you from figuring out that they are just doing random shit inside your mouth. 4. Dental sessions end when the dentist just gets sick of torturing you. At some point during your punishment, the dentist will say something like, “O.K. we’re done,” and this just means he’s bored of fucking with your mouth and wants to move on to his next victim who waits, terrified, in the next room. 5. Dentists become defensive when you share our proof with them. If you ever see a dentist at the grocery store or just out on the street, and confront him with our facts, he will act super angry and weird, thus admitting his guilt and that we are right about all of this. In our encounters with dentists, in which we followed them home or to Target parking lots and then cornered and questioned them, there was a high degree of fear and even violence exhibited. We find this to be a clear sign that we’ve hit a nerve, so to speak, with them. Some of their responses included: “Get the fuck away from me,” and “I’m going to call the cops,” which are things only the guilty say. 6. The word “dentist” means something in Latin that’s bad. We are not experts in Latin, which we also believe may be fake and the subject of a future article, but we can say with almost one hundred percent accuracy that the word “dentist” comes from it and means something fucking horrible. *We strongly believe, but can’t prove yet, that all dentists are descendants of medieval executioners and torturers. It’s kind of like being a vampire or a witch, sort of…  Gold is super fake? In an exclusive exposé, Cedric Bigglestone sits down with a gold company executive to find the truth. My journey to truth began as it usually does. I sat in a bar, having a moderately priced fishbowl drink. The bartender had stopped talking to me and I was alone with the t.v. that hung nearby. That’s when I saw yet another commercial for buying gold. “Buy gold!” the ad announced. "Buy it now because it outperforms the stock market and will make you rich." I knew my wallet was filled with credit cards and a few dollars I’d made from an impromptu lap dance for some retired postal workers. But that was just plastic and paper. Not precious metal. So I longed for some. I longed for gold to be in my pants instead of what I had. Hell, I wanted a gold dick, a gold face, gold hair. Fuck regular money, I thought, and also screamed because my thoughts and my voice are the same I’ve discovered. The bartender simply pulled out his phone and threatened me with it as he always does. Did I want him to call the cops again? No. I guess not. So I left and wandered down the street. It was there, on the concrete path of life that I had my revelation about the gold industry and that was that it must be fake. After all, if gold was so valuable and awesome why were the gold companies trying to get rid of it all the time? Why didn’t they just keep all the gold for themselves and be rich? This led me to interview an anonymous representative of the gold industry. In a secret meeting with me, he revealed the stunning real story behind what we call “gold.” Here it is: CEDRIC: So you’re a high level gold executive? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: That’s right? CEDRIC: Named Barry Winters? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Don’t use my name! You said you wouldn’t use my name! CEDRIC: I’ll redact it or whatever. Don’t worry… Jesus… So, what does it mean to be a gold executive? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: I work for a company that sells gold. CEDRIC: Like from pirates? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: What? CEDRIC: Like pirate gold? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: We don’t have pirate gold, no. We have coins, yes… And… CEDRIC: That’s fucking bullshit. SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Pardon me? CEDRIC: Nothing. Anyway, is gold fake? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Fake? CEDRIC: Why are you selling it all the time? Why not keep it all and just be rich? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: That’s not how it works. We sell the gold to our clients and they assume a risk if the price of gold goes down. However…. CEDRIC: I thought gold was a great investment. How would the price go down? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Well… CEDRIC: Is gold fake? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: You asked that before. I assure you, gold is very real. It’s… CEDRIC: Do you know King Midas? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: The legend of King Midas? Yes, of course… CEDRIC: No. I mean do you know King Midas? The man? The real man. SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: I think I should leave now. I’m feeling a little uncomfortable with the tone of this interview. CEDRIC: Maybe you’re feeling a little uncomfortable with lying to people about gold. I mean, if you have all this gold to sell, why don’t you have like a gold sword or a gold helmet or something? Why the fuck are you wearing a suit? I mean a non-golden suit? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: I’ve tried to answer your questions. May I leave now? CEDRIC: Why wouldn’t you be able to leave? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Because I’m tied to a chair? At this point the interview really ended because Barry wouldn’t be straight with me or answer my questions. Each time I asked something, he was evasive and my lie detector chip which I installed in my left temple gives me the ability to detect evasiveness and he failed. But what does all this mean for you, the consumer? I’m still working on that. For now, I’m just going to say that I wouldn’t buy “gold” from anyone who doesn’t physically have pirate treasure or wear gold armor. For now, that’s all any of us can do. Till next time. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at cedric@intergalacticbiz.com.  As part of an awkward social experiment commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report, self-identified socialite Tina Redinkio has hooked up her diary to the internet. The following is a live-streamed excerpt that has just been captured: “…that’s what a bitch is called, bitch… and then I just told her that again because I didn’t think she heard it the first time. Ha. So funny. Ooh. I just saw that light come on which means they’re streaming my diary again! So exciting for everyone out there to hear all my personal thoughts live-streamed on the internet. Remember, these are my private writings! So be kind as you read them and remember these are not meant for public consumption. They’re secret. Dark secret thoughts. O.K. So, I want to give a shout out to Herbal Loop, which is like a new company that’s sponsoring me and their haircare products are so dope that I use them myself. And also, Snickers? I’m sponsored by Snickers? Oh shit. That’s my girl Jody just fucking with me. She said to say Snickers. What a slut! Ha ha. You know I love you, Jody. I do. O.K., so I was going to enter something just between me and myself and that was… uh…. So hard to do this… It’s like, what am I saying to my diary today, right? O.K… So here it is… Deep dark secret. I met this guy on Tinder and he was all like let’s have sex, but he said it after we had dinner, cause we met out for dinner, but it was this really janky place cause he picked it and said it was good, but it wasn’t? I ordered this salad and it was like three pieces of lettuce and then like a huge carrot or something and I was asking the waitress what that was and she said it wasn’t a carrot? It was like some root or something? And that was because the restaurant was Asian? So then I had to figure out if I was gonna have sex with this guy, because dinner was almost over and then… Fuck you Jody? WTF? Jody’s saying she knows the same guy? Anyway, diary, I just want to thank you for being such a good listener! Ha. So funny. Wait. Is the light going off now?...” According to laws, we’re only allowed to broadcast a diary for about two minutes before cutting off the signal. So, till next time…  The “Dark Web.” Kind of like dark chocolate in that it’s like regular chocolate only it tastes like shit. With all the fear surrounding this netherworld, the Intergalactic Business Report went on some of the darkest, deepest sites and report what we’ve found. Search at your peril for these dark Web sites: Drunk house sellers: This is where you sell your house online when you’re really drunk. Teddy bear bong purveyors: This horrifying Web site sells bongs made from the stolen teddy bears of children. Nigerian Prince Connection: Here you are matched with an African prince who will transfer money to your bank account and may even marry you afterwards. So far, we think this one is legit and a wedding is being planned for next summer. Say congrats if you see us. Man versus squirrel herd. Ever wanted to see a man fight about a hundred rabid-looking varmits? This is your chance. Spoiler alert: the men never win. (We think this one may actually just be a Japanese game show.) Download my brain. This one features attempts of amateur surgeon/scientists to download the contents of their brains onto computers. Unfortunately, none of the participants seem to have any formal training in surgery or science. Shitcoin. Like Bitcoin only people trade in pieces of shit, which are mailed to you. Date my dead grandmother. A guy in a mental institution in Thailand invites you to go on date with his grandmother who died, we think, sometime in the last twenty years. If you sign up for it, we’re pretty sure he ends up killing you. Illegal cigarette smoking network. Two guys named Igor and Jeff smoke cigarettes they acquired without paying the usual six dollar sin tax. They gloat and challenge the government to find them. Evil twin sister. Ever wished you were someone’s evil twin sister? This site connects you with black market plastic surgeons who will change your face and body so you resemble another person so exactly that you can show up in her life and either claim you’re her long lost twin sister or simply just hook up with her boyfriend.  If you go here, a butler may try to switch penises with you. After watching t.v. shows about alternative realities for almost 72 hours, I began to wonder if it was possible for me to travel to another version of our universe. This is what I discovered: 1. The t.v. show “Sliders” is about a group of people who keep “sliding” through different historical realities. They have to keep “sliding” till they get back home and I can’t remember if they ever do. In my version of that show, I “slide” out of my pants while I’m at an airport and security tries to arrest me, but then I just disappear and go to another reality where they try to arrest me again, and so on, till I land in a world where it’s cool to take your pants off in the airport. 2. In the “Man in the High Castle,” the Nazis won the war and now rule America. It sucks. In “The Penis in my Pants,” which is the version of the show I would do, my penis has won the war and immediately becomes bigger than ever before—maybe even nine to ten inches. 3. In “the Hobbit,” I guess the world has hobbits? This is the one that really throws me off. I keep wondering if it’s possible to somehow go to that world and if my penis would be hobbit-sized or if I would have the same size penis I do now but it would seem like a massive dong compared to all the hobbit people, which would make me a porn star or something? 4. In “the Golden Girls,” everyone is old and lives in a nursing home (I think?). Would my penis even work in that world? I really hope I never “slide” there. 5. In “The Walking Dead,” everyone has a disease that makes them turn into zombies when they die. I guess in that world, no one really cares if you walk around in an airport with no pants on. So that’s good I guess? 6. I haven’t actually watched “Downton Abbey,” but it looks like it takes place in an alternative universe where people live in a huge house in the middle of nowhere and all become butlers. I assume everyone there is trying to leave their reality as much as I’m trying to leave my reality. And I also assume if I ever get there it would be a like a “switch” where one of the butlers would high-five me as we passed and say, “Good luck,” or something. Then I’d look down and see we also switched penises and that now I have a butler penis. 7. The show “Friends” features an alternative universe where people in their twenties have 2,000 square foot open concept apartments in Manhattan and meet at a coffee shop instead of working. I assume the men here have penises, like me. That’s really as far as I got with this one. 8. Finally, “Penis world” is a show that’s invented in the future so no one here has ever heard of it. In this universe my penis rules over all other penises. It’s a fair ruler although sometimes it freaks out and kills a lot of the other penises and then feels bad about it and starts worrying it will be overthrown because of its cruelty. But as it starts to worry more, it comes to the conclusion that it has to kill more penises before they rise up (so to speak) against it. So it kills more penises, and so on. It’s kind of a vicious cycle. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at cedric@intergalacticbiz.com.  You’ve probably heard it before. CEO’s are not only super intelligent human beings, but they are also cultured because they read a lot of books. Do you read a lot of books? If the answer is “No,” then you are stupid. If the answer is “Yes,” then you are smart, but only if you are also a CEO. In one of the broadest sweeping studies ever conducted, the Intergalactic Business Report gathered the secret reading lists of some of the world’s most brilliant CEO’s. These books define who they are and give them special powers to succeed. We list them below: BOOK: Shut your mouth! I’m talking now! WHAT IT’S ABOUT:Perhaps the most important book in any CEO’s secret library, this tome goes with the simple premise that if you (the CEO) is talking, everyone should shut their fucking mouths. Why? Because you’re talking. BOOK: Losers shake hands with the devil. Winners suck his dick. WHAT IT’S ABOUT: This fiction novel centers on Demarcus Sheeves, an up and coming CEO who has an ongoing sexual affair with Satan, even though Satan only required him to shake hands with him. Satan was like, “Shake my hand,” and Demarcus was like, “I’m going to suck your dick,” and the devil was like, “Um… O.K.” BOOK: Swank Magazine issue 469. WHAT IT’S ABOUT: This rare issue has an extended spread of men catching Frisbees on their penises. We found that many CEO’s find this the ultimate metaphor for what they do every day. BOOK: Together, I get rich. WHAT IT’S ABOUT: This book focuses on the symbiotic relationship between the CEO and the thousands of people who work for him. BOOK: Brandon Bradweezil’s guide to cooking field turds. WHAT IT’S ABOUT: Strangely, this one has nothing to do with business or human interactions. It’s about a guy who finds shit in the woods and cooks it. BOOK: Massive dump: clear the bowels of your company today. WHAT IT’S ABOUT: Beyond the Frisbee metaphor is the one about shitting people out and flushing them away. BOOK: My Lambo just shit on your BMW. WHAT IT’S ABOUT: This is just a picture book of a cartoonish Lamborghini defecating on a terrified BMW. BOOK: The superior look. WHAT IT’S ABOUT: How to just look superior to other people when you talk down to them.  In a cynical move to capitalize on the fading popularity of saying “deez nuts,” a source inside the Intergalactic Business Report revealed to me that IBR is making a move to flood social media with a phrase that will be more powerful and cause more people to believe we have reached the end of human potential. The new term is simply, “mah ballzzz” referring to the speaker’s or writer’s testicles and said as a punchline to someone who is foolish enough to answer a question like, “You know what’s better than that?” If you see something stating this phrase, or hear it anywhere, I advise you to immediately not listen and definitely don’t repeat it again and again because if you do, you may be under its spell for the next several months or years. Stay tuned for further updates. Smurfus McRathbone, Former Contributor, the Intergalactic Business Report.  A meme reader passes out in a public park. After posting a meme suggesting that drinking beer was better than going to a psychologist, the Intergalactic Business Report received hundreds* of responses from angry readers who accused us of promoting alcoholism. We want to, therefore, issue an apology to anyone who became an alcoholic because of our meme. We understand this is a serious issue and that some people who have drinking problems, or, in some cases, never have had a drink in their lives, may read our meme and either relapse or become raging alcoholics in a matter of moments. As an example of how this works, just look at the number of cat abductions that have taken place since the internet began promoting adorable kitty memes. We would also point to the rampant use of the term “Deez nutz,” just a few years ago. While the scare of that phrase spreading to the point at which world leaders begin to say “Deez nuts,” has dissipated, a new phrase, like, “Mah Ballzzz,” could easily take over again if an irresponsible organization like ours were to begin to spread such a thing. In closing, we apologize again and look forward to a future of safe internet viewing for all. Sincerely, The editors. The Intergalactic Business Report. *Three.  Ever since at least the 1980’s, humankind has wondered if it’s on the right track or whether we could be doing a little better. In the first ever interview with a supreme alien life-form, the Intergalactic Business Report finds that we are actually doing pretty well and even better than other universes under their control. Read the astounding exchange below: INTERVIEWER: So, first off, welcome to Earth. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Thank you. I will say, however, that welcoming me is a little odd because we effectively own the planet, so it’s like me coming to visit you at your home and me saying, “Welcome to your own home.” INTERVIEWER: You own this planet? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: We do, yes. Does that upset you? INTERVIEWER: (Talking to an IBR intern, who is nearby). Can you get me another fucking beer, you fucking idiot? Can you? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Everything O.K.? INTERVIEWER: Yeah. It’s just that I asked for a beer like an hour ago and the fucking intern can’t get his head out of his ass long enough to bring it to me. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: To be fair, I think I heard you ask him maybe a minute before the interview started, and he was rushing around to get you the beer, and… INTERVIEWER: (Taking the beer from the intern) And here it fucking finally is… Thank you, David, for taking the precious time out of your day to bring your boss a fucking beer. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Do you pay these interns? INTERVIEWER: For what? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Should we move on? INTERVIEWER: I don’t get it. What do you mean? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Should we continue our interview? INTERVIEWER: Yeah, sure. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: So, I was saying that we actually control your planet and have for quite some time. It’s very difficult for humans to take this in without it being traumatic at first. But the good news is that… INTERVIEWER: This beer is fucking warm. It’s fucking warm, David! SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Do you want me to come back or something? INTERVIEWER: Sure. I don’t know. I fucking can’t stand warm beer. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: I may not actually be back in this galaxy for fifty years so… INTERVIEWER: Fine. Just tell me how we’re doing. As humans or whatever. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Overall, I’d say it’s interesting because there are some very bad things that could happen very soon if you don’t… INTERVIEWER: Oh my fucking God. I said Blatz, David. What the fuck is this shit? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: You should probably hear this. INTERVIEWER: Yeah. I hear it. Hold on. David? I know they sell Blatz. I know they do. Don’t give me your bullshit. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: I can tell you as a higher life form that nobody sells Blatz anymore. Does that help? (At this point in the interview, we had to excuse ourselves to go look for some fucking Blatz, which, it turns out, nobody sells anymore, just like the alien said. It just seems weird though, that nobody would sell it anymore. Pabst fucking Blue Ribbon is still sold and that's crappy beer that became “cool” suddenly in a stupid ironic way. Why not do the same with Blatz? It’s so much better than shitty PBR. Hold on. Now someone’s telling us that they do still sell Blatz. So we guess the alien was wrong?)  Ever go on LinkedIn and see post after post of people saying how much they love their jobs? A deep dive scientific/sociological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has uncovered the truth behind the fake satisfaction conveyed by LinkedIn users who praise their jobs, bosses, and companies. We break it down for you below: HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “They say if you find a job you love, you’ll never work another day in your life. I found that job three and a half years ago at Total Sales and every day has been an adventure.” ACTUAL MEANING: “Three and a half years ago I was a whole person who valued life and felt positive about the future and humankind in general. Total Sales destroyed that optimistic person and replaced her with a cynical, shrewish woman, who wears too much makeup and sleeps with bartenders at Applebee’s.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone at Aerotech for letting me live my passions every day. I love this job and I love my co-workers!” ACTUAL MEANING: “My ‘passions’ are to leave this fucking job and probably take a dump that overflows the toilet on my way out. If anyone is reading this, please contact me and offer me another job. It can be anything. Really. Anything. Including sucking dick at a trailer by the docks. I’m serious.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “What I love about Cersius Inc. is that they give me challenges that make me a better person and employee. I highly recommend this company to anyone who wants to do more and be more.” ACTUAL MEANING: “If you show up for an interview at this place I will Bruce Willis in Die Hard shoot at your car to get your attention so that you can grow a fucking brain and not come inside.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “A shout out to all my colleagues who absolutely killed it this year as we surpassed our quarterly goal! I love you guys!” ACTUAL MEANING: “The quarterly goal was that Randy fucking Hampstanner, our fucking Vice President for Sales, wouldn’t show up drunk to work every single day and try to grab my balls and beg, ‘Come on, Vick, just a touch…’ Instead, Randy died of cirrhosis and probably some other things. So he wasn’t here at all and I consider that surpassing our goal. Oh, and I fucking hate you guys.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “I came to the Boswell Group seven years ago because I needed a job. What I didn’t realize was that I’d be working with people who would become my family.” ACTUAL MEANING: “After taking this job seven years ago I was forced to marry my boss, Jack Boswell, in a ceremony that can only be described as Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets the Deer Hunter as I was forced to play Russian roulette at my ‘bachelorette party,’ which was basically me playing Russian roulette while my new ‘cousins’ tried on human skin masks. I’m currently kept in the basement and let out to cook dinner and do the books for the Boswell Group. I think this is a cult or something.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “Someone asked me yesterday why I work at Zerostate. My answer was simple: Because you can grow here and develop not only as an employee, but as a human being.” ACTUAL MEANING: “I have technically grown as a human being because Zerostate bullied me into getting penis enhancement surgery, saying if I ever want to be upper management, then I need a ‘huge schlong.’ I found out later that this was a ‘prank’ and that their health insurance didn’t cover it either. Oh, and they convinced me to get the kind of dick that’s so big you can’t even use it really.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “After 35 years at Amazing Events I am announcing my retirement. I can’t believe all the memories I’m leaving behind. Thank you to the whole team! I’ll miss you!” ACTUAL MEANING: “For the first ten years I worked kind of hard. For the next 25 I just made you all feel sorry for me and say, ‘We can’t fire Don. He’s been here for ten/fifteen/twenty/twenty-five years… You get it. Fuck all of you. I fucking hate you. Suck my balls.” |
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