 In an age when technological advances are heralded as the key to solving poverty, disease, and every other problem imaginable, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Ed Mountaineer makes an impassioned plea to save our civilization by becoming much much dumber.
A new scientific study says there are no alien civilizations because they all killed themselves when they became too technologically advanced. The warning is clear: if you figure out too much stuff, you will eventually also figure out how to blow up your own planet and you’ll do that. I want to get something out of the way before I write any more. I didn’t read the study. Why? It’s boring looking and doesn’t make sense at all, even though I didn’t read it to find out. But I do trust the study because multiple news sources have issued dumbed-down versions and because the guy who wrote it is a “French scientist” and he works at an Ivy League school where no one just puts out a “study” for no reason because all of those guys work for the betterment of humankind, almost like knights who are super smart and instead of swords they use computers or whatever. Anyway… I want to save our civilization and I know how, even though I’m not a French scientist. The answer seems simple and one we should adopt immediately—being dumber and actively trying to be even more dumb than that. Let me give you some examples of how this will save our world. SCENARIO ONE: The bad guys get nukes. Here, some evil people get their hands on nuclear technology and are going to use it to blow everyone up. They’re super smug about it too and have weird reasons for doing it that no one understands like, “It’s time to start again. The universe needs to be put back in order.” HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: The bad guys get together and discuss their next steps. One of them says, “What is nuclear technology and how do we use it to blow up the world?” Another one says, “I have no idea. I’m too fucking stupid to understand that.” Situation ended. SCENARIO TWO: We’re about to create artificial intelligence that will control all computers and electronics on the planet and as soon as we click the “on” switch, that AI motherfucker will calculate that we all need to die. HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: The guys who are building the AI look at each other and say, “I’ve never really understood how computers work.” They agree to stop construction, mainly because they just have a garbage can and some wires and some hot sauce and they decide to eat the hot sauce to see which one of them dies first since the bottle says, “Don’t drink this or you will die,” because it’s probably not even hot sauce. Earth saved. SCENARIO THREE: Some scientists design a machine that can create black holes and as soon as they touch a button on it, our entire universe will be eaten in a matter of fifteen minutes. HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: The scientists didn’t go to college and the black hole machine is just a way for them to look at each other’s butt holes. Threat terminated. SCENARIO FOUR: The new world government puts a chemical that cures all diseases into the water supply. Unfortunately, the chemical also kills everyone on the planet. HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: “The new world government” is either a really shitty music group or a wrestling team and they don’t understand how to use or create chemicals. They also have no access to our water supply because no one understands what that would even mean. Like, is there a place where you can just drop stuff into a well or something and it shoots into our “water supply”? Crisis averted. SCENARIO FIVE: An endless energy source is located at the center of the Earth. When we start drilling though, the planet shrivels up like an old sock and we all die in about fifteen minutes. HOW DUMBNESS STOPS IT: Two guys are in a back yard and decide to dig as far as they can. They give up pretty soon into it. World safe. CONCLUSION: I hope it’s pretty clear to “smart” people that their antics do not serve society well and that they are the cause of our future demise. I also hope I get credit for saving the planet because this is the last “smart” thing I will do for you and now I’m going back to being dumb, which is actually smart, and I’m a higher life form for realizing that. SECOND CONCLUSION: I’m done writing now. Good bye.  A captured elf is interrogated. In the most explosive exposé of his career, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Cedric Bigglestone investigates the “Elf on the Shelf” craze and the evil behind it. What he finds will change the way you see Christmas itself.
Part one: My curiosity piques* when I see a “garbage elf.” Strolling through my neighborhood** I notice a pile of garbage, which I quickly sift through for ancient coins and haberdashery. I find no treasures, but do see an old “Elf on the Shelf,” which has been tossed out. What stuns me, however, is that it has a knife stuck in it, as if someone stabbed it again and again, maybe in self-defense? I remove the knife and pocket the elf. The owner of the nearby house (and of the elf?) appears and threatens to call law enforcement. I ask him about the elf and he becomes enraged—too enraged, I consider, as I hold the doll forward and shake it at him. When I show him the knife, his attitude changes from anger to conciliation and he steps away from me almost in… Fear? Does this elf have some kind of power over him? Part two: I take the elf back to my apartment. “Why would anyone want to stab an Elf on the Shelf?” I ask myself as I prepare a meal of sardines and head cheese for my cat, Herr Viskers. As Herr Viskers and I sit down to eat our feast, I notice the miserable elf, sitting alone on my couch. Should I invite him to eat with us? Part three: I invite the elf to eat with us. I say to the elf, “Hey, man. You want some food?” To sell it a little more, I add, “It’s good.” The elf sits in silence. “You’ve got nothing to say?” I ask, mockingly. Herr Viskers purrs with delight at the epic burn I’ve dropped upon the silly elf. But I have no time to gloat. I place the elf in the open chair reserved for Jeff Goldbloom*** and my mind races. I feel like I’ve captured a Nazi and now it is my duty to interrogate him. Part four: Some background on the “Elf on the Shelf” menace. I do a little research on the elf and confirm what I already knew—that a company manufactures these dolls to spy on children for Santa Claus. The elf hides in your home and silently judges the behavior of the children present. Then he takes off at night and narcs on them to Santa. The elf, in other words, doesn’t like to do a lot of talking till he opens his bitch-ass mouth to his boss in the North Pole. Then he has a lot to say. Part five: Back to my dinner. The elf is a terrible guest. He doesn’t eat the food and he just sits there, judging me and Herr Viskers. Herr Viskers requests that I give the elf over to him as a toy because the cat is always fucking with my mind and I almost give in to him before I remember that the elf is part of an exposé I am writing. To offer him up to Herr Viskers would immediately end the elf’s usefulness to me, as Herr Viskers is a cruel toy owner and would surely hide the elf’s body somewhere under a bed. Part six: I ask the elf some tough questions. With Herr Viskers lurking nearby as a warning to the elf, I sit him down on a couch and grill him for answers. I begin with the obvious, like, “How’s it feel to have someone else do the judgin’?” And then I move on to the more complex, nuanced questions, such as, “Do you have an elf dick?” and “Do you have magic that can burn me?” Part seven: The elf resists all inquiry. I have to admit, the elf is tough. He says nothing no matter how I attempt to mind fuck him. At one point, I dress as Santa and enter the room and tell him he’s passed a test and that it was great that he didn’t crack. Then I ask him for info on how many children he’s spied on in his career and if he has an elf dick. He doesn’t fall for it. Evil Santa must be pleased with his minion. Part eight: I stab the elf in frustration. I’m not proud of this last part but it turns out that I was the one who stabbed the elf in the first place and then placed him in a garbage pile in my very nice, exclusive neighborhood**. I also ending up giving him to Herr Viskers, who I think is fucking him, but I’m not sure because they do it under my bed. Part nine: I’m done writing now. Good bye. I’m done writing now. Good bye. *What the fuck does this word mean? ** Someone else’s neighborhood. *** It’s still here for you, Jeff. Please join us. Just one time. Please. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at cedric@intergalacticbiz.com.  Unlike traditional news outlets, the Intergalactic Business Report has been following a developing story about Santa Claus and the effects the COVID crisis has had on his work, life, and efforts to bring toys to children all over the world.
In an exclusive interview, we sat down with Mr. Kringle and asked him about his recent bizarre behavior and if Christmas is happening at all this year. INTERVIEWER: Let me get right to it. What have you been doing this year? SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Preparing for Christmas? What else? INTERVIEWER: I heard you were shrooming and eating hot pockets all day. SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Where did you hear that? INTERVIEWER: Are you even ready for Christmas? I’m assuming it takes lots of planning. SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Yes it does. But every year, the spirit of the season comes through and children all over the world see a shining light of hope and peace. INTERVIEWER: That sounds like shroom talk. SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Whatever do you mean by that? INTERVIEWER: Do you have to start every sentence with Ho Ho Ho? SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. Yes? INTERVIEWER: Jesus. Just stop saying it. SANTA: Ho Ho Ho, but I’m Santa, right? INTERVIEWER: That’s what you told us. SANTA: Ho Ho Ho. That’s right. INTERVIEWER: Just stop the Ho Ho Ho thing, O.K.? Let’s start again,. SANTA: Oh Ho Kay! INTERVIEWER: That’s stupid. That’s not a Santa thing. SANTA: Oh Ho yes it is. INTERVIEWER: I’m telling you to fucking stop that. SANTA: Oh Ho Kay! I will. INTERVIEWER: Now you’re just being a prick. SANTA: Oh Ho No! INTERVIEWER: You seriously are on shrooms. SANTA: Do you know what I said when I saw your mother and your two sisters? INTERVIEWER: What? SANTA: Ho Ho Ho! INTERVIEWER: This is stupid. I think we’re done. SANTA: Ho Ho No! Let’s keep talking. INTERVIEWER: It’s just fucking dumb. This whole thing. SANTA: Can I get some water or something? INTERVIEWER: Can someone get him some water? SANTA: Also, I need something to eat. My blood sugar is dropping. INTERVIEWER: Can we get him something to eat? SANTA: Thanks. Do you have anything sweet? INTERVIEWER: Like what? SANTA: A pastry or something. Maybe… A…. Ho Ho? INTERVIEWER: Fuck you. SANTA: HO HO HO! INTERVIEWER: If I had a tranquilizer gun I’d shoot you. SANTA: HO HO HO! INTERVIEWER: Are you done? SANTA: Yeah. Yeah, I’m done. INTERVIEWER: Did you actually need food? SANTA: No. I just wanted to do the Ho Ho thing. INTERVIEWER: Well, it sucked. SANTA: Do I get paid for this? INTERVIEWER: Does he get paid for this? SANTA: What’d they say? INTERVIEWER: No. They said no you don’t. SANTA: Fuck.  By now, you have probably heard about the Utah Monolith, the nine-and-a-half foot mysterious structure found in a national park in Utah. Theories abound over its origin and meaning but all of those are wrong. Using science and research, the Intergalactic Business Report narrows down the actual truth about the shiny object with four primary theories, one of which we can calculate to be 100% true.
How can we be so sure? We used an advanced algorithm to calculate theoretical probabilities and pointed it at the Utah Monolith. Our program, based on science and reason, showed us only four answers. Here they are: MONOLITH THEORY ONE: The monolith is an average-sized robot penis that was released as a warning to our planet. HOW THE THEORY WORKS: You would think that hostile alien races would come up with a better way to intimidate us, but apparently this is what they do instead. It’s their way of saying, “Hey, we’ve got robots with huge dicks. This isn’t even a big one. We’re going to drop it in the desert and when you find it you’ll be all like, what???” WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: We calculate that humankind has between 70 and 80 million years to evolve into creatures with massive, nine-foot dongs. If we can, when the aliens return, they will simply salute us, which they do with their penises. MONOLITH THEORY TWO: It’s a “power up” block that we have to somehow run through. HOW THE THEORY WORKS: If we can figure out a way to pass through it with our bodies, it will disappear but also give us new energy. WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: This would open the possibility of picking up ammo and weapons that are lying around and having them automatically appear in your backpack. Shit. Maybe we just need to have the right backpack? MONOLITH THEORY THREE: The monolith belongs to the mafia. HOW THE THEORY WORKS: You betta stop messin’ around with dat friggin’ monolith or we’s gonna whacks yous. WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: Mafia grammar is worse than we thought. MONOLITH THEORY FOUR: The monolith only exists for those who truly believe in the spirit of Christmas. HOW THE THEORY WORKS: If you’re a bad person who hates the holidays, it is impossible for you to see the monolith? We kind of ran out of ideas. Sorry. WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: The true spirit of Christmas is inside us all?  In conjunction with science, the Intergalactic Business Report announces a new vaccine for COVID-19 that is not a vaccine at all but instead just a large glass of Hawaiian Punch.
How does this medical breakthrough work? First, it’s different than a vaccine. Second, it’s a glass of Hawaiian Punch. So is it actually better than a vaccine for COVID-19? We compare the two below: COVID-19 VACCINE: Will cure Coronavirus. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Will cure your thirst. WINNER: COVID-19 vaccine. COVID-19 VACCINE: Still in development. But a safe vaccine could be available later this year. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Already developed in 1934. So you know it’s safe. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Multiple pharmaceutical companies are in late stage testing to make sure the vaccine is safe. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Late stage testing for Hawaiian Punch was probably in 1933. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Even when it is approved, it will take months and even years to get it worldwide. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Hawaiian Punch is already approved and it takes four seconds to open it and start pouring it inside your mouth. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Faces some skepticism over its efficacy. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Everyone knows Hawaiian Punch works. No questions at all on that. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Delivered through an injection. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: You put the glass up to your mouth and tip it till the Hawaiian Punch juice starts going inside you. WINNER: Tie. COVID-19 VACCINE: May bring the world back to normal. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Without it, the world could never be normal. So, it’s almost like the original “bring the world back to normal” thing you put in your body. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Being developed faster than any vaccine in the past. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Being drunk faster than any red sugar drink ever. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Will show scientists how to make future vaccines faster. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Doesn’t give a shit about that. It’s Hawaiian Punch. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. OVERALL WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.  An investigation by the Intergalactic Business Report revealed that a new Covid-19 vaccine that can only be administered through the researcher’s penis is fraudulent. Details below on this breaking story:
The origins of the penis vaccine. In late March of this year, self-styled pharmaceutical scientist Carl Ystrepi of Bonhucken Maine entered the vaccine race and began developing something he called the “hot beef injection.” He claimed that his unique method of delivering medicine allowed him to skip many of the barriers to vaccine development such as scientifically understanding how a vaccine is developed. Some early setbacks. The unorthodox clinical trials that Ystrepi held were him offering a hot beef injection to women he accosted at a nearby beach. With zero percent volunteer participation, he was forced to move to a controversial new vaccine approval technique—just assuming it works. Carl’s vaccine is ready way before anyone else’s. Because his vaccine reached approval in his mind and needed only to have the assumption of efficacy, Ystrepi was able to declare his vaccine ready after only a month, which was perfect, because the weather was getting better and more people were heading out to the beach and other public places where he hoped to offer his treatment. Legal issues troubled Carl’s vaccine rollout. Apparently, it’s illegal to claim you have a Coronavirus vaccine that can only be given through your penis hole. More specifically, it’s illegal to approach people and say that if they have sex with you they can’t get Covid-19. Even more specifically, it’s against the law to scream at people in a Target parking lot with your pants pulled down. This does not, Carl found, meet the requirements of being a “vaccine clinic.” A warning to consumers: If you received a hot beef injection from Carl Ystrepi, you are not protected from the Coronavirus. On the other hand… Who knows, right? The science on this is not totally formulated and it’s possible this is the cure. How can you get a hot beef injection from Carl Ystrepi? Carl says to call him when he gets out of jail. Question: How long will it take Carl’s vaccine to have a worldwide effect? If he can get out of jail, he could cover the more rural areas of Maine by late 2021.  Scientists recently stated that talking may be a major source of COVID-19 spread, as the act expels more viral droplets than if you just shut the fuck up. We explore this new theory in detail below with a list of frequently asked questions:
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: What happens when you just finally shut the fuck up? When you do this, you stop the viral load from releasing from your face. You also stop the bullshit that comes out of your mouth from being heard by people who wish you would just shut the fuck up. Are there health benefits to shutting the fuck up? Many. But let’s start with how if you shut the fuck up, people will be less inclined to beat your ass after hearing you complain about some nonsense in your life or simply listening to one of your crap questions where you act like you’re some kind of a fucking genius for opening your mouth. Is it possible for you to shut the fuck up? We honestly don’t know. Is it? Because we really wonder. We wake up every morning and ask ourselves if you’ll finally shut the fuck up. But there you are, yapping away. If you shut the fuck up now, during a pandemic, would it encourage you to stop talking when things get back to normal? Let’s hope? How many people shutting the fuck up would it take to have a global effect? Scientists aren’t sure about an exact number, but even if just one person, like you, shut the fuck up, it would help the world by not having your immensely stupid shit verbally expressed. Should you shut the fuck up right now? Yes. If you shut the fuck up, when would it be safe to start talking again? Who knows? Even when the pandemic ends, it would be a good idea for you to keep your fucking mouth shut just in case, maybe for several years, till you forget how to talk or something.  Coming to take your identity. For decades, the Canadians have sat atop North America, peering down on us from their frosty perch, leaving Americans to wonder what these creatures from the uncanny valley want from us. The Intergalactic Business Report has finally learned what that is, and it is truly horrifying.
As reported in our exposé on Ryan Reynolds, the Intergalactic Business Report has learned that Canada, land of politeness and home improvement shows where people talk about “living in the city” but they won’t say which city it is and you don’t recognize it and then they start talking about soaker tubs and how they need a room for their hockey equipment… Anyway… They’re up to something. Below, we break down the Canadian plot for domination that threatens us all. THE BASICS: Each Canadian has a non-biological American “twin” who resembles him or her in almost every way except for mispronouncing words and pretentiousness disguised as good manners. As long as the twins are separated, the American usually finds success and happiness, while the Canadian bitterly resents him from afar.* WHAT HAPPENS NEXT: Sometime in adolescence, we believe, Canadians are shown their American counterpart and told that if they can eliminate him, they will gain all of his life force and energy, in essence making the Canadian finally “normal” and successful. This would include giving him the power to say the word “about” and use the correct emphasis in words like “process” and even to stop using words like “process.” THE HUNT BEGINS: Dana Carvey, Michael J. Fox, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Ryan Gosling, Martin Short, Dan Aykroyd… They all eliminated their Americans and found success. Michael Cera and Seth Rogen obviously are still searching. THE THREAT TO YOU: If you’re still alive, it means there is a Canadian who may be coming for you. If you’ve already been removed, then it is too late. THE WARNING SIGNS: Do you notice someone wearing flannel who seems to always be nearby? At the grocery store? At the gas station? Do friends ever say things like, “I thought I saw you at the gas station?” But it wasn’t you? Do they ever remark about how they saw someone who looks exactly like you, only they had something wrong with the way they spoke and they smelled like a beaver pelt? WHAT HAPPENS NEXT: Clearly, most of us are fucked. But for the few who are alert, there is still a chance for survival. If people in your neighborhood start playing street hockey, their taste in music suddenly sucks, their sense of humor is Eugene Levy, and their money is worth a fraction of yours, the Canadians are active in your community and you need to leave, immediately, which poses a problem because most Americans, when told they need to leave immediately, usually try to go to Canada. Don’t do that. It’s a trap. *It's kind of like the movie "Us" if it was made by David Cronenberg.  According to psychics, mediums, and that girl from that party where you spent way too much time talking to her before you figured out she was on Angel Dust or something, the spirit world is very much alive and its inhabitants may even be trying to contact you.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report outlines five common ways spirits communicate with you daily to warn, guide, or tell you they’re watching you take a dump. 1. Your remote seems stuck on the Spice Channel whenever you’re in a hotel. The spirit is trying to tell you, “Don’t change the channel. I’m not done yet.” 2. When you hit the late-night Taco Bell drive through, you feel a voice in your head saying, “Order two more cravings packs.” 3. When you use a public restroom there’s a presence around you. And it kind of smells like shit. 4. You can’t get the song, “Hello from the other side,“ out of your mind. 5. When you have sex and you’re on top, you feel someone rubbing your shoulders, and then you hear a voice that says, “I’m Brandon. Your girlfriend’s roommate. You’ve never met me, but let's do this.”  In an interview that will shake the medical world, the Intergalactic Business Report speaks with Dr. Garrett Soleziak, an epidemiologist and doctor of infectious diseases at a well-known American university. Dr. Soleziak believes that Coronavirus is over and that what we are seeing today are “residual effects of a psychosomatic trauma.” Although the discussion took place over three and a half hours, we have excerpted the highlights below:
INTERVIEWER: Dr. Soleziak, thank you for your time. I know you’re very busy right now. DR. SOLEZIAK: Not really. INTERVIEWER: You’re not really busy? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah, that’s right. INTERVIEWER: I’d think during a pandemic a doctor with your background would have a lot on his hands. You’re saying that’s not the case? DR. SOLEZIAK: No. I mean, yes, that’s not the case. INTERVIEWER: So, let’s talk about Coronavirus. DR. SOLEZIAK: Let’s not! INTERVIEWER: You’re a funny guy. And, I’m guessing, a great doctor too? DR. SOLEZIAK: I’ll take “funny guy.” INTERVIEWER: Seriously though. You said something to me before this interview about the Coronavirus. DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Yeah what? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah, I said something. INTERVIEWER: Would you say it again? DR. SOLEZIAK: Sure. INTERVIEWER: Go ahead. DR. SOLEZIAK: Am I getting paid for this? INTERVIEWER: (TO SOMEONE IN ANOTHER ROOM) Is Garrett getting paid for this? DR. SOLEZIAK: Someone said I’m getting paid. INTERVIEWER: Yeah. Yeah. I’m guessing that’s accurate. DR. SOLEZIAK: That I’m getting paid? INTERVIEWER: Yeah. DR. SOLEZIAK: Good. INTERVIEWER: Listen, can we just talk about the Coronavirus for a second? DR. SOLEZIAK: Whatever. Sure, I guess. INTERVIEWER: You told me earlier you think it’s gone? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Like it’s not here anymore? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: So, Coronavirus is over? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Could you explain that a little? DR. SOLEZIAK: It’s like it was here and then it wasn’t. Or isn’t. I don’t know which tense is right to say that. INTERVIEWER: How did you come to that conclusion? That Coronavirus is gone? DR. SOLEZIAK: Medical studies. Mostly that. INTERVIEWER: Can you just say what we fucking told you to say? DR. SOLEZIAK: The stuff about psycho… Psychopaths or something? INTERVIEWER: Jesus. Read off the paper. DR. SOLEZIAK: The handwriting is hard to understand… INTERVIEWER: It’s fucking typed, Garrett. DR. SOLEZIAK: I’m not reading this. INTERVIEWER: Then you’re definitely not getting paid. DR. SOLEZIAK: If I could read or write, do you think I’d be doing this shit for you? INTERVIEWER: You can’t read? DR. SOLEZIAK: Or write. INTERVIEWER: Yeah. That usually goes together. DR. SOLEZIAK: Hold on. I’m going to try… Hold on… The reason we don’t have Coronavirus anymore… Is… INTERVIEWER: Good. Keep going. DR. SOLEZIAK: Is because of psychopaths…? INTERVIEWER: Fuck you, Garrett. We’re done. DR. SOLEZIAK: At least take me to Taco Bell. |
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