 In a cynical move to capitalize on the fading popularity of saying “deez nuts,” a source inside the Intergalactic Business Report revealed to me that IBR is making a move to flood social media with a phrase that will be more powerful and cause more people to believe we have reached the end of human potential. The new term is simply, “mah ballzzz” referring to the speaker’s or writer’s testicles and said as a punchline to someone who is foolish enough to answer a question like, “You know what’s better than that?” If you see something stating this phrase, or hear it anywhere, I advise you to immediately not listen and definitely don’t repeat it again and again because if you do, you may be under its spell for the next several months or years. Stay tuned for further updates. Smurfus McRathbone, Former Contributor, the Intergalactic Business Report.  A meme reader passes out in a public park. After posting a meme suggesting that drinking beer was better than going to a psychologist, the Intergalactic Business Report received hundreds* of responses from angry readers who accused us of promoting alcoholism. We want to, therefore, issue an apology to anyone who became an alcoholic because of our meme. We understand this is a serious issue and that some people who have drinking problems, or, in some cases, never have had a drink in their lives, may read our meme and either relapse or become raging alcoholics in a matter of moments. As an example of how this works, just look at the number of cat abductions that have taken place since the internet began promoting adorable kitty memes. We would also point to the rampant use of the term “Deez nutz,” just a few years ago. While the scare of that phrase spreading to the point at which world leaders begin to say “Deez nuts,” has dissipated, a new phrase, like, “Mah Ballzzz,” could easily take over again if an irresponsible organization like ours were to begin to spread such a thing. In closing, we apologize again and look forward to a future of safe internet viewing for all. Sincerely, The editors. The Intergalactic Business Report. *Three.  Ever since at least the 1980’s, humankind has wondered if it’s on the right track or whether we could be doing a little better. In the first ever interview with a supreme alien life-form, the Intergalactic Business Report finds that we are actually doing pretty well and even better than other universes under their control. Read the astounding exchange below: INTERVIEWER: So, first off, welcome to Earth. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Thank you. I will say, however, that welcoming me is a little odd because we effectively own the planet, so it’s like me coming to visit you at your home and me saying, “Welcome to your own home.” INTERVIEWER: You own this planet? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: We do, yes. Does that upset you? INTERVIEWER: (Talking to an IBR intern, who is nearby). Can you get me another fucking beer, you fucking idiot? Can you? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Everything O.K.? INTERVIEWER: Yeah. It’s just that I asked for a beer like an hour ago and the fucking intern can’t get his head out of his ass long enough to bring it to me. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: To be fair, I think I heard you ask him maybe a minute before the interview started, and he was rushing around to get you the beer, and… INTERVIEWER: (Taking the beer from the intern) And here it fucking finally is… Thank you, David, for taking the precious time out of your day to bring your boss a fucking beer. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Do you pay these interns? INTERVIEWER: For what? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Should we move on? INTERVIEWER: I don’t get it. What do you mean? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Should we continue our interview? INTERVIEWER: Yeah, sure. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: So, I was saying that we actually control your planet and have for quite some time. It’s very difficult for humans to take this in without it being traumatic at first. But the good news is that… INTERVIEWER: This beer is fucking warm. It’s fucking warm, David! SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Do you want me to come back or something? INTERVIEWER: Sure. I don’t know. I fucking can’t stand warm beer. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: I may not actually be back in this galaxy for fifty years so… INTERVIEWER: Fine. Just tell me how we’re doing. As humans or whatever. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Overall, I’d say it’s interesting because there are some very bad things that could happen very soon if you don’t… INTERVIEWER: Oh my fucking God. I said Blatz, David. What the fuck is this shit? SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: You should probably hear this. INTERVIEWER: Yeah. I hear it. Hold on. David? I know they sell Blatz. I know they do. Don’t give me your bullshit. SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: I can tell you as a higher life form that nobody sells Blatz anymore. Does that help? (At this point in the interview, we had to excuse ourselves to go look for some fucking Blatz, which, it turns out, nobody sells anymore, just like the alien said. It just seems weird though, that nobody would sell it anymore. Pabst fucking Blue Ribbon is still sold and that's crappy beer that became “cool” suddenly in a stupid ironic way. Why not do the same with Blatz? It’s so much better than shitty PBR. Hold on. Now someone’s telling us that they do still sell Blatz. So we guess the alien was wrong?)  Ever go on LinkedIn and see post after post of people saying how much they love their jobs? A deep dive scientific/sociological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has uncovered the truth behind the fake satisfaction conveyed by LinkedIn users who praise their jobs, bosses, and companies. We break it down for you below: HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “They say if you find a job you love, you’ll never work another day in your life. I found that job three and a half years ago at Total Sales and every day has been an adventure.” ACTUAL MEANING: “Three and a half years ago I was a whole person who valued life and felt positive about the future and humankind in general. Total Sales destroyed that optimistic person and replaced her with a cynical, shrewish woman, who wears too much makeup and sleeps with bartenders at Applebee’s.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone at Aerotech for letting me live my passions every day. I love this job and I love my co-workers!” ACTUAL MEANING: “My ‘passions’ are to leave this fucking job and probably take a dump that overflows the toilet on my way out. If anyone is reading this, please contact me and offer me another job. It can be anything. Really. Anything. Including sucking dick at a trailer by the docks. I’m serious.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “What I love about Cersius Inc. is that they give me challenges that make me a better person and employee. I highly recommend this company to anyone who wants to do more and be more.” ACTUAL MEANING: “If you show up for an interview at this place I will Bruce Willis in Die Hard shoot at your car to get your attention so that you can grow a fucking brain and not come inside.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “A shout out to all my colleagues who absolutely killed it this year as we surpassed our quarterly goal! I love you guys!” ACTUAL MEANING: “The quarterly goal was that Randy fucking Hampstanner, our fucking Vice President for Sales, wouldn’t show up drunk to work every single day and try to grab my balls and beg, ‘Come on, Vick, just a touch…’ Instead, Randy died of cirrhosis and probably some other things. So he wasn’t here at all and I consider that surpassing our goal. Oh, and I fucking hate you guys.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “I came to the Boswell Group seven years ago because I needed a job. What I didn’t realize was that I’d be working with people who would become my family.” ACTUAL MEANING: “After taking this job seven years ago I was forced to marry my boss, Jack Boswell, in a ceremony that can only be described as Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets the Deer Hunter as I was forced to play Russian roulette at my ‘bachelorette party,’ which was basically me playing Russian roulette while my new ‘cousins’ tried on human skin masks. I’m currently kept in the basement and let out to cook dinner and do the books for the Boswell Group. I think this is a cult or something.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “Someone asked me yesterday why I work at Zerostate. My answer was simple: Because you can grow here and develop not only as an employee, but as a human being.” ACTUAL MEANING: “I have technically grown as a human being because Zerostate bullied me into getting penis enhancement surgery, saying if I ever want to be upper management, then I need a ‘huge schlong.’ I found out later that this was a ‘prank’ and that their health insurance didn’t cover it either. Oh, and they convinced me to get the kind of dick that’s so big you can’t even use it really.” HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “After 35 years at Amazing Events I am announcing my retirement. I can’t believe all the memories I’m leaving behind. Thank you to the whole team! I’ll miss you!” ACTUAL MEANING: “For the first ten years I worked kind of hard. For the next 25 I just made you all feel sorry for me and say, ‘We can’t fire Don. He’s been here for ten/fifteen/twenty/twenty-five years… You get it. Fuck all of you. I fucking hate you. Suck my balls.”  You have hands and fingers and you touch things. Until recently, that was never a problem, but today the Intergalactic Business Report reveals a ground-breaking scientific study in which we took everyday objects and analyzed them for their level of grossness. Before you touch anything else, read this. THING YOU TOUCH: Television remote control. GROSSNESS LEVEL: Equivalent of putting your entire hand inside your butt and waiting for a half hour before pulling it back out. THING YOU TOUCH:Car steering wheel. GROSSNESS LEVEL: This is like fondling a carney who’s been working all day at the ring toss. THING YOU TOUCH: Other people’s hands. GROSSNESS LEVEL: You may as well just skip the handshake and go lick their balls. But only if they dragged their balls across a prison bathroom floor first. THING YOU TOUCH: Video game controllers. GROSSNESS LEVEL: If you touch one of these it's the same as cleaning a state fair portajohn with no gloves and no cleaning solution and, instead, just improvising. THING YOU TOUCH: Fruit. GROSSNESS LEVEL: Even if you wash fruit, you need to understand that each piece has been touched, handled, groped, and maybe even penetrated and then sealed by people from all over the world. If your fruit passed through Japan, it’s almost 100% likely it was used in a fruit sex show before it got to your grocery store. THING YOU TOUCH: Gas pumps. GROSSNESS LEVEL: These futuristic-looking robot guns are not as cool as they seem, because they are often used as butt probes by gas station employees during their off hours and on the late shift. THING YOU TOUCH: Your mobile phone. GROSSNESS LEVEL: New scientific evidence proves that your phone is also a breeding ground for microscopic “feces insects” that literally shit on your fingers as you type and click and search for “fart noise” apps.  As a science-based publication, the Intergalactic Business Report usually doesn’t delve into the supernatural, unless it has to do with buying ancient mythical artifacts from the internet, interviewing the devil, or capturing leprechauns. But a new reader survey has revealed some exciting and unsettling things about the power of reading IBR. While some feel our articles deplete their life energy, others* are reporting magical effects from reading our work. Below we have compiled a sample of insights from our readers. Read them and then read us. You may be in for a massive life change. “After reading IBR I feel like I can get any woman I want.” “IBR’s given me the power to see the color of people’s souls.” “I was bad at math. Now my teacher says I’m a genius. Must be IBR.” “I used to lick things and get sick. Now I lick things and get incredibly sick.” “I always wanted to be a superhero. The kind that can fly. After reading the Intergalactic Business Report, I think I’m going to try it.” “The part of my brain that warns me of danger has been turned off after reading the Intergalactic Business Report. Now I’m free to do whatever I want with no worries.” “When I bounce on a trampoline, I feel like I’m levitating for a second. I don’t think I would have had that without IBR.” “Thanks to the fitness tips I learned through the Intergalactic Business Report, I can finally felate myself. Now I’m never leaving my house. Thanks, IBR.” “Sometimes I’ll read an IBR article and suddenly feel like I have the strength of ten men. Although I have no martial arts training, that strength is going to carry me to victory tonight when I challenge Sergei “Deathmaster” Andropov to an impromptu fight in the parking lot outside the UFC gym.” “I think my face has changed after reading the Intergalactic Business Report. When I stare in the mirror, my nose is bigger. I think that’s good?” “I opened my freezer today and like a million dollars fell out. Thanks, IBR.” “My penis has grown two inches since I got an erection.” *Although we did not formally receive any of these testimonials, and although we did not have an actual, formal reader survey, we feel these quotes are representative of what most IBR readers would tell us had we asked them.  A recent Intergalactic Business Report article was deemed so shitty by one of our readers that it actually wasted his “life energy” as he continued to read and wait for something to make it worth reading. Unfortunately, after finishing the entire piece, he discovered there was no punchline and that the article had absolutely no value to him in any way. This depleted his life energy that could have been spent doing almost anything else. When confronted with this news, IBR supreme editor Dusty Latouffe offered his condolences to the reader and his family, saying, “We regret that this reader lost life energy because of our shitty article. We hope he will recover and gain back some of it so he can read more of our shitty articles.” When asked whether this was an isolated incident, Latouffe admitted that many of IBR’s articles contain shit so shitty that they regularly suck life energy out of readers, leaving them weak and frustrated after reading them. Only a few, however, have the courage to actually post something on Facebook afterwards, calling out the absolute shittiness of the article for everyone to see. “Sometimes,” Latouffe said, “readers will see a headline and think to themselves, O.K., I’ll read that. Maybe there will be a punchline or at least something making this worth it to read. Then they’ll get to the end and find absolutely nothing. At that point, their life energy levels are so low they die right there. Once in a while, we see someone strong enough to continue on and start posting stuff about how shitty we are.” Latouffe added that there are no current plans to end even the shittiest articles or shitty writing. Punchlines or satisfying endings to articles will also not be in the budget for the coming year, and readers will need to expend more life energy each time they waste their time reading IBR content. This has major implications for the future of mankind as well, Latouffe points out. “Many of our readers, like the one pointing out how shitty we are, could have been spending their time researching the cure for cancer, solving the Middle East crisis, or just getting really really drunk. Now that time is gone forever.” If you have read an Intergalactic Business Report article at interglalacticbiz.com and feel your life energy has been severely depleted, please send us a note at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  The internet has been described as not only a marketplace of ideas, but a marketplace for things you buy. The Intergalactic Business Report believes this so strongly that we’ve pushed the limits of commerce by purchasing a “mask of jesus,” a “cane of truth,” an “alien mind probe,” “Excalibur,” and a “cloak of invisibility” all online. What could we possibly buy next? You guessed it. An alien spider egg. See what we learned below: 1. There’s a lot of debate surrounding what is and isn’t an alien spider egg. Apparently, the whole subject of alien spider eggs can set off a massive nerd war on the internet, with everybody from paid nerd entomologists to just regular nerds who talk about “face huggers” from some movie they’ve seen eighty times. We went around this conflict by locating a guy who said he’d do the internet search for us for several thousand dollars. He went into a Starbucks and returned several minutes later with a venti coffee with half and half and a lot of sugar. He also said for five grand he could get us three eggs. We thought that sounded good and agreed immediately.* 2. Alien spider eggs are a poor choice as a general purchase. Besides the enormous cost of the egg, when you break it open a spider crawls out and you sit there and think, “Why did I buy this?” Then the spider crawls away to have babies that will be somewhere in your house. Luckily we performed all experiments in an intern’s apartment, which we recommend for all experiments.** 3. Alien spider eggs are difficult to eat. The eggs are very large and a member of our team tried to eat one, which released a spider upon the first bite. That sucked. We think it might have entered his mouth. 4. Alien spider egg shells are extremely brittle. When whipped against the intern’s apartment wall, the egg immediately shattered, releasing several baby spiders, who scurried away. One of us remarked, “What the fuck just happened?” and another one of us just sat there, kind of freaked out and scared, but said nothing because he didn’t want to seem like a pussy, but left a few minutes later citing he had some shit to do somewhere else. 5. Conclusion: Alien spider eggs suck. Hard. Three eggs cost us close to twenty thousand dollars when we started adding in the shipping costs the guy at Starbucks charged us as well as the one-time service fee he demanded before giving us the eggs. Three eggs lasted us about ten minutes and completely infested the intern’s apartment with dangerous insects that are apparently causing some kind of panic as the spiders multiply and spread all over the city.*** *We’ve learned from previous experiences that spending a lot of time on thought and thinking, especially in the context of making decisions, is something we can’t remember. So we just do things. Kind of like Nike. **The Intergalactic Business Report offers an amazing summer and year-round unpaid internships for anyone interested. Send us a note at info@intergalacticbiz.com and tell us about yourself. ***Some local “authorities” gave us some bullshit about how this could lead to the end of our “civilization” if we can’t get this shit under control because the spiders are immune to pesticides and have some kind of special alien armor that protects them from everything. Oh, and they also have venom that kills you in like ten seconds. Whatever.  Recently, the Intergalactic Business Report told you about Chinese “humor-bots,”that create clever memes that subtly criticize American culture while promoting Chinese communism and nationalism. While these insidious, computerized, and incredibly sophisticated jokes and pictures shocked and terrified us in their diabolical effectiveness, we are even more horrified by what we see now being done by the Germans. Not known for their sense of humor, the Germans have created code and programming that makes up for their funny deficiencies. You may have seen some of these memes as you click through Facebook or Instagram and thought to yourself: “This is so funny and insightful. I think I’ll share it with a million people.” But when you stupidly do this, you are only degrading the U.S.A and giving the Germans what they want. Today we reprint these memes so that you won’t be fooled by their cleverness and wittitudes. Below are the five most popular ones. Beware and don’t share.       If you spend any time on the internet at all, you’ve encountered “memes,” and probably even looked at a few of them. These zany pictures with words on them were originally designed to make us laugh, think, or even give us boners. But recently, they have also become a propaganda tool used by foreign governments to joke their way into the hearts of American web addicts. In recent months you may have seen memes generated by Chinese “humor bots,” which use sophisticated algorithms to create jokes and pictures that subtly ridicule American culture and issue subliminal messages about the value of the Chinese system of government and way of life. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report exposes some of the more insidious memes that are dominating the internet. If you see any of these, beware not to fall for their charms.    |
AboutReports so secret we hide them on this page. Archives
October 2019
Categories |
RSS Feed