 By now, you have probably heard about the Utah Monolith, the nine-and-a-half foot mysterious structure found in a national park in Utah. Theories abound over its origin and meaning but all of those are wrong. Using science and research, the Intergalactic Business Report narrows down the actual truth about the shiny object with four primary theories, one of which we can calculate to be 100% true.
How can we be so sure? We used an advanced algorithm to calculate theoretical probabilities and pointed it at the Utah Monolith. Our program, based on science and reason, showed us only four answers. Here they are: MONOLITH THEORY ONE: The monolith is an average-sized robot penis that was released as a warning to our planet. HOW THE THEORY WORKS: You would think that hostile alien races would come up with a better way to intimidate us, but apparently this is what they do instead. It’s their way of saying, “Hey, we’ve got robots with huge dicks. This isn’t even a big one. We’re going to drop it in the desert and when you find it you’ll be all like, what???” WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: We calculate that humankind has between 70 and 80 million years to evolve into creatures with massive, nine-foot dongs. If we can, when the aliens return, they will simply salute us, which they do with their penises. MONOLITH THEORY TWO: It’s a “power up” block that we have to somehow run through. HOW THE THEORY WORKS: If we can figure out a way to pass through it with our bodies, it will disappear but also give us new energy. WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: This would open the possibility of picking up ammo and weapons that are lying around and having them automatically appear in your backpack. Shit. Maybe we just need to have the right backpack? MONOLITH THEORY THREE: The monolith belongs to the mafia. HOW THE THEORY WORKS: You betta stop messin’ around with dat friggin’ monolith or we’s gonna whacks yous. WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: Mafia grammar is worse than we thought. MONOLITH THEORY FOUR: The monolith only exists for those who truly believe in the spirit of Christmas. HOW THE THEORY WORKS: If you’re a bad person who hates the holidays, it is impossible for you to see the monolith? We kind of ran out of ideas. Sorry. WHAT IT MEANS IF IT’S TRUE: The true spirit of Christmas is inside us all?  In conjunction with science, the Intergalactic Business Report announces a new vaccine for COVID-19 that is not a vaccine at all but instead just a large glass of Hawaiian Punch.
How does this medical breakthrough work? First, it’s different than a vaccine. Second, it’s a glass of Hawaiian Punch. So is it actually better than a vaccine for COVID-19? We compare the two below: COVID-19 VACCINE: Will cure Coronavirus. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Will cure your thirst. WINNER: COVID-19 vaccine. COVID-19 VACCINE: Still in development. But a safe vaccine could be available later this year. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Already developed in 1934. So you know it’s safe. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Multiple pharmaceutical companies are in late stage testing to make sure the vaccine is safe. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Late stage testing for Hawaiian Punch was probably in 1933. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Even when it is approved, it will take months and even years to get it worldwide. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Hawaiian Punch is already approved and it takes four seconds to open it and start pouring it inside your mouth. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Faces some skepticism over its efficacy. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Everyone knows Hawaiian Punch works. No questions at all on that. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Delivered through an injection. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: You put the glass up to your mouth and tip it till the Hawaiian Punch juice starts going inside you. WINNER: Tie. COVID-19 VACCINE: May bring the world back to normal. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Without it, the world could never be normal. So, it’s almost like the original “bring the world back to normal” thing you put in your body. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Being developed faster than any vaccine in the past. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Being drunk faster than any red sugar drink ever. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. COVID-19 VACCINE: Will show scientists how to make future vaccines faster. HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Doesn’t give a shit about that. It’s Hawaiian Punch. WINNER: Hawaiian Punch. OVERALL WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.  An investigation by the Intergalactic Business Report revealed that a new Covid-19 vaccine that can only be administered through the researcher’s penis is fraudulent. Details below on this breaking story:
The origins of the penis vaccine. In late March of this year, self-styled pharmaceutical scientist Carl Ystrepi of Bonhucken Maine entered the vaccine race and began developing something he called the “hot beef injection.” He claimed that his unique method of delivering medicine allowed him to skip many of the barriers to vaccine development such as scientifically understanding how a vaccine is developed. Some early setbacks. The unorthodox clinical trials that Ystrepi held were him offering a hot beef injection to women he accosted at a nearby beach. With zero percent volunteer participation, he was forced to move to a controversial new vaccine approval technique—just assuming it works. Carl’s vaccine is ready way before anyone else’s. Because his vaccine reached approval in his mind and needed only to have the assumption of efficacy, Ystrepi was able to declare his vaccine ready after only a month, which was perfect, because the weather was getting better and more people were heading out to the beach and other public places where he hoped to offer his treatment. Legal issues troubled Carl’s vaccine rollout. Apparently, it’s illegal to claim you have a Coronavirus vaccine that can only be given through your penis hole. More specifically, it’s illegal to approach people and say that if they have sex with you they can’t get Covid-19. Even more specifically, it’s against the law to scream at people in a Target parking lot with your pants pulled down. This does not, Carl found, meet the requirements of being a “vaccine clinic.” A warning to consumers: If you received a hot beef injection from Carl Ystrepi, you are not protected from the Coronavirus. On the other hand… Who knows, right? The science on this is not totally formulated and it’s possible this is the cure. How can you get a hot beef injection from Carl Ystrepi? Carl says to call him when he gets out of jail. Question: How long will it take Carl’s vaccine to have a worldwide effect? If he can get out of jail, he could cover the more rural areas of Maine by late 2021.  Scientists recently stated that talking may be a major source of COVID-19 spread, as the act expels more viral droplets than if you just shut the fuck up. We explore this new theory in detail below with a list of frequently asked questions:
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: What happens when you just finally shut the fuck up? When you do this, you stop the viral load from releasing from your face. You also stop the bullshit that comes out of your mouth from being heard by people who wish you would just shut the fuck up. Are there health benefits to shutting the fuck up? Many. But let’s start with how if you shut the fuck up, people will be less inclined to beat your ass after hearing you complain about some nonsense in your life or simply listening to one of your crap questions where you act like you’re some kind of a fucking genius for opening your mouth. Is it possible for you to shut the fuck up? We honestly don’t know. Is it? Because we really wonder. We wake up every morning and ask ourselves if you’ll finally shut the fuck up. But there you are, yapping away. If you shut the fuck up now, during a pandemic, would it encourage you to stop talking when things get back to normal? Let’s hope? How many people shutting the fuck up would it take to have a global effect? Scientists aren’t sure about an exact number, but even if just one person, like you, shut the fuck up, it would help the world by not having your immensely stupid shit verbally expressed. Should you shut the fuck up right now? Yes. If you shut the fuck up, when would it be safe to start talking again? Who knows? Even when the pandemic ends, it would be a good idea for you to keep your fucking mouth shut just in case, maybe for several years, till you forget how to talk or something.  Coming to take your identity. For decades, the Canadians have sat atop North America, peering down on us from their frosty perch, leaving Americans to wonder what these creatures from the uncanny valley want from us. The Intergalactic Business Report has finally learned what that is, and it is truly horrifying.
As reported in our exposé on Ryan Reynolds, the Intergalactic Business Report has learned that Canada, land of politeness and home improvement shows where people talk about “living in the city” but they won’t say which city it is and you don’t recognize it and then they start talking about soaker tubs and how they need a room for their hockey equipment… Anyway… They’re up to something. Below, we break down the Canadian plot for domination that threatens us all. THE BASICS: Each Canadian has a non-biological American “twin” who resembles him or her in almost every way except for mispronouncing words and pretentiousness disguised as good manners. As long as the twins are separated, the American usually finds success and happiness, while the Canadian bitterly resents him from afar.* WHAT HAPPENS NEXT: Sometime in adolescence, we believe, Canadians are shown their American counterpart and told that if they can eliminate him, they will gain all of his life force and energy, in essence making the Canadian finally “normal” and successful. This would include giving him the power to say the word “about” and use the correct emphasis in words like “process” and even to stop using words like “process.” THE HUNT BEGINS: Dana Carvey, Michael J. Fox, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Ryan Gosling, Martin Short, Dan Aykroyd… They all eliminated their Americans and found success. Michael Cera and Seth Rogen obviously are still searching. THE THREAT TO YOU: If you’re still alive, it means there is a Canadian who may be coming for you. If you’ve already been removed, then it is too late. THE WARNING SIGNS: Do you notice someone wearing flannel who seems to always be nearby? At the grocery store? At the gas station? Do friends ever say things like, “I thought I saw you at the gas station?” But it wasn’t you? Do they ever remark about how they saw someone who looks exactly like you, only they had something wrong with the way they spoke and they smelled like a beaver pelt? WHAT HAPPENS NEXT: Clearly, most of us are fucked. But for the few who are alert, there is still a chance for survival. If people in your neighborhood start playing street hockey, their taste in music suddenly sucks, their sense of humor is Eugene Levy, and their money is worth a fraction of yours, the Canadians are active in your community and you need to leave, immediately, which poses a problem because most Americans, when told they need to leave immediately, usually try to go to Canada. Don’t do that. It’s a trap. *It's kind of like the movie "Us" if it was made by David Cronenberg.  According to psychics, mediums, and that girl from that party where you spent way too much time talking to her before you figured out she was on Angel Dust or something, the spirit world is very much alive and its inhabitants may even be trying to contact you.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report outlines five common ways spirits communicate with you daily to warn, guide, or tell you they’re watching you take a dump. 1. Your remote seems stuck on the Spice Channel whenever you’re in a hotel. The spirit is trying to tell you, “Don’t change the channel. I’m not done yet.” 2. When you hit the late-night Taco Bell drive through, you feel a voice in your head saying, “Order two more cravings packs.” 3. When you use a public restroom there’s a presence around you. And it kind of smells like shit. 4. You can’t get the song, “Hello from the other side,“ out of your mind. 5. When you have sex and you’re on top, you feel someone rubbing your shoulders, and then you hear a voice that says, “I’m Brandon. Your girlfriend’s roommate. You’ve never met me, but let's do this.”  In an interview that will shake the medical world, the Intergalactic Business Report speaks with Dr. Garrett Soleziak, an epidemiologist and doctor of infectious diseases at a well-known American university. Dr. Soleziak believes that Coronavirus is over and that what we are seeing today are “residual effects of a psychosomatic trauma.” Although the discussion took place over three and a half hours, we have excerpted the highlights below:
INTERVIEWER: Dr. Soleziak, thank you for your time. I know you’re very busy right now. DR. SOLEZIAK: Not really. INTERVIEWER: You’re not really busy? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah, that’s right. INTERVIEWER: I’d think during a pandemic a doctor with your background would have a lot on his hands. You’re saying that’s not the case? DR. SOLEZIAK: No. I mean, yes, that’s not the case. INTERVIEWER: So, let’s talk about Coronavirus. DR. SOLEZIAK: Let’s not! INTERVIEWER: You’re a funny guy. And, I’m guessing, a great doctor too? DR. SOLEZIAK: I’ll take “funny guy.” INTERVIEWER: Seriously though. You said something to me before this interview about the Coronavirus. DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Yeah what? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah, I said something. INTERVIEWER: Would you say it again? DR. SOLEZIAK: Sure. INTERVIEWER: Go ahead. DR. SOLEZIAK: Am I getting paid for this? INTERVIEWER: (TO SOMEONE IN ANOTHER ROOM) Is Garrett getting paid for this? DR. SOLEZIAK: Someone said I’m getting paid. INTERVIEWER: Yeah. Yeah. I’m guessing that’s accurate. DR. SOLEZIAK: That I’m getting paid? INTERVIEWER: Yeah. DR. SOLEZIAK: Good. INTERVIEWER: Listen, can we just talk about the Coronavirus for a second? DR. SOLEZIAK: Whatever. Sure, I guess. INTERVIEWER: You told me earlier you think it’s gone? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Like it’s not here anymore? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: So, Coronavirus is over? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Could you explain that a little? DR. SOLEZIAK: It’s like it was here and then it wasn’t. Or isn’t. I don’t know which tense is right to say that. INTERVIEWER: How did you come to that conclusion? That Coronavirus is gone? DR. SOLEZIAK: Medical studies. Mostly that. INTERVIEWER: Can you just say what we fucking told you to say? DR. SOLEZIAK: The stuff about psycho… Psychopaths or something? INTERVIEWER: Jesus. Read off the paper. DR. SOLEZIAK: The handwriting is hard to understand… INTERVIEWER: It’s fucking typed, Garrett. DR. SOLEZIAK: I’m not reading this. INTERVIEWER: Then you’re definitely not getting paid. DR. SOLEZIAK: If I could read or write, do you think I’d be doing this shit for you? INTERVIEWER: You can’t read? DR. SOLEZIAK: Or write. INTERVIEWER: Yeah. That usually goes together. DR. SOLEZIAK: Hold on. I’m going to try… Hold on… The reason we don’t have Coronavirus anymore… Is… INTERVIEWER: Good. Keep going. DR. SOLEZIAK: Is because of psychopaths…? INTERVIEWER: Fuck you, Garrett. We’re done. DR. SOLEZIAK: At least take me to Taco Bell.  A news broadcast in Alternative America. Using proprietary neutrino scales and measurements, a scientific team commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report saw glimpses into a neighboring, alternative universe, which is 99.9% the same as us. The one difference? They’ve been hit by a pandemic that sucks far worse than ours. Here are the details:
AMERICA: States and school districts decide on how to open schools. Some opt for online learning. Others have in-class models with mask-mandated or mask-optional policies. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Glendor Gallanpuss, owner of Alternative America, has changed the word “school” to the word “home,” and has given all students the option of either going home or going to school. AMERICA: Fall sports are cancelled in many states. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: There is really only one “sport” and it’s something where you take off your penis and throw it at people. Once you do it, you retire from the sport, because your penis is gone. AMERICA: If a vaccine is developed and approved, next year we may get back to normal. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Alternative America is “back to normal.” It’s pretty much like this without the pandemic. AMERICA: Masks must be worn to prevent the spread of the virus. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Penis clamps are the one way the disease is stopped from spreading. But only if they’re super, duper tight. AMERICA: Teachers are concerned for their own safety as they conduct classes during a pandemic. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Glendor Gallanpuss has abolished the profession of teaching and replaced it with a new profession called “dick slapping” in which practitioners slap people with their penises. When former teachers showed up to work at the end of last year, they were arrested for being sexual predators. Basically, there are no teachers anymore, but a lot of dick slappers. AMERICA: Stay at home orders sequester families in place for weeks and months. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Stay in your bed orders make sure no one can leave their beds pretty much ever. AMERICA: Suicide rates have spiked from depression over the crisis and being kept indoors. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Most people just started killing themselves out of boredom. AMERICA: The news displays the numbers of cases and deaths as a constant reminder of the tragedy and danger. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: The news is basically just a guy screaming. And you can’t turn it off. AMERICA: Political groups take advantage of the chaos to get votes. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: The Dick Slappers’ Union is a major lobbying group that influences policy.  In past articles, we have warned about “humor bots,” which foreign governments use to spread anti-American propaganda and flood the internet with “funny” memes created by sophisticated algorithms. The Intergalactic Business Report has learned that the United States is now fighting back with its own computer-generated memes and we give our readers an exclusive look at what we’ve seen so far. Below we witness what computers have deemed hilarious, pro-America messages that will soon be popping up everywhere.     As a self-taught journalist and exposé writer, I try to immerse myself in my work. That means sometimes doing things others might consider dangerous or “foolhardy” or even “morally damning” and “there’s no way you can come back from this.” When Coronavirus hit, I told my colleagues* this was going to be the biggest story of the decade. None of them believed me.** They warned me not to go too deep, not to waste my energy on a minor, passing health story that would be out of the news in two weeks. To them, I say, “burned.” I thoroughly burned you. Please shake yourselves and turn into ashes. Anyway, about six months into the pandemic, we are still talking about it, but my interest has changed. At first, I focused on the medical aspect of the virus. More recently, I made a decision to simply end the disease by defeating it myself, without the help of government, medicine, or science. I think I did a pretty fucking good job. Read what I did. PART ONE: I STUDY THE VIRUS. Most people study in labs or libraries. I do it by thinking. Really thinking. But there is something super hard about this. I think. Nothing happens. I think more. Same result. I begin to notice that something about the virus is preventing me from defeating it through my thoughts. Could it be that powerful? PART TWO: I DEVISE A PLAN. If the virus stops you from thinking, then it must also something something… I can’t think what that would be and Corona is definitely shading my mind so that it is weak and ineffective. I feel small, like a delicate doll people store in a hutch—only to be looked at, never touched, except when I try to have sex with it in 7th grade, can’t find a hole, and return it to the shelf. How can I fight against an unseen enemy that steals your thoughts before you can have any? Then it strikes me. Thinking is not the way to beat this monster. My plan is not to have a plan. PART THREE: I TAKE MY BATTLE TO THE STREETS. Armed only with my impaired intellect and bravery, I leave my apartment and go looking for my foe. Masked bandits have overrun the city, but they must fear me because they step away as I bear down on them and chase them from my path. I am starting to feel powerful once again. My bravery is telling me to call out the virus. To challenge it. To trick it into showing itself? PART FOUR: I PREPARE FOR A CONFRONTATION. One thing I have learned about viruses is that they are vain. They love to flaunt their successes by posting huge infection numbers and watching as news people quiver and supplicate to them. I decide to use the virus’s ego against it. PART FIVE: I COAX THE VIRUS INTO SHOWING ITSELF. I know the virus is there. It is hiding, infecting, floating. Perhaps fleeing? I feel like it is running from me and that it is finally scared of something, of someone (me). For the first time, I can actually see the virus. It is entering a Costco and it is trying to act cool, like it’s not afraid of me, by it really is, like it’s trying to say, “I’m not running away, I’m just walking fast because I need to go to Costco to get something.” I pursue it into the store and scream, “I’ve got you now motherfucker. Come out and fight me!” This works… The virus finally shows itself fully. PART SIX: I FIGHT THE VIRUS LIKE A MAN. The virus, a six-foot-three man named Darren, tackles me and gets me on the ground. It seems to be winning till I grab its nuts because I’m not afraid to do shit like that. As I squeeze, I begin to think to myself, “Wow. I am actually grabbing the nuts of the Coronavirus. Just… Wow…” Then, a group of bandits, who I realize now are minions of the virus, come to its aid. I try to grab some of their balls, but there are too many. It’s like one of those ball bins they kick you out of at the McDonald’s playland because you’re too old. So many balls… The scene goes dark. CONCLUSION: Number one, we all need to stand up to the Coronavirus like I did. No more being pussies. That doesn’t work. Number two, I may have not totally defeated the virus, but I’m pretty sure I got it worried. It definitely didn’t like getting called out like that and it will think twice in the future. So, I need to get some credit for that. Also, it seems to like Costco. So, maybe put that into the data or whatever. Is it gone? Did I scare it off? Only time will tell. But if I had to bet, I might say we won’t see it again anytime soon. You’re welcome, I guess? It feels so weird to take credit for something so huge. But I did do it so… Yeah. You are welcome. It feels like I should probably go to other countries now to fight Coronavirus there. O.K. Goodbye. I’m done writing now. *Stuffed animals. **It’s hard to say what stuffed animals believe or don’t believe. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at cedric@intergalacticbiz.com. |
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