 Unaware of the mystical incantation that turns anyone who makes fun of Andy Elliot into his eternal slave, columnist Ed Mountaineer made the critical error of accidentally ridiculing the motivational master. What comes next is anybody’s guess.
Andy Elliot. Master salesman. Fitness icon. Slave owner? It may come as a surprise to many of my readers, but I recently became a slave. I know. It sounds weird. I never believed it was possible to belong to another human being as his property, but it happened to me and now I must live with my new reality. I do have a few questions for my new owner though, and I’m using this column to ask him what comes next. An open letter to Andy Elliot. Now that you own me, what do I do next, master? Recently, you posted a message to your haters, and it went something (or exactly) like this: “I’m forty-four years old. I’ve got seven percent body fat. I’m lean. Most guys wear a suit. I wear cut-off shirts. I call my own shots. Please. The world will catch up with me. I’m awake. Some of you are dead. You say, I don’t like this guy. I don’t care. If I can stop someone in the street to laugh at me for wearing a cut-off shirt, or freaking short shorts, I own you. I stopped you in your tracks, dude. I own you.” I did not know you had issued this warning, but I’m not going to try to get out of the consequences. I’m not that guy. I just want to tell you that when I stopped to make fun of you for wearing short shorts and a cut-off shirt, I had no idea that I was relinquishing my rights as a U.S. citizen and entering into a slave/master pact with you. I hope we can make the best of it. I have to admit, when the words came out of my mouth and I said, “Hey, look at that dude who’s wearing short shorts. That looks kind of dumb,” an eerie, supernatural feeling came over me. It was as if I no longer controlled my own future and I felt it difficult to make decisions. It was almost like a higher being now decided things for me. Then I saw the clip of you telling your haters that if they made fun of you, they would instantly become your slave. It all made sense. I froze up in that moment as your spell cast over me. I tried to make more fun. My mind said, “What’s up with this dude? Is he trying out for gay porn with that oufit?” But the words never came out. It was almost the exact feeling I had when I’d tried out for gay porn and completely froze on my lines and the dudes there didn’t really care because it wasn’t really about saying lines anyway. I guess that’s all in the past, and my future is to serve you, Andy Elliot. My only question, if you will receive it, is to ask you what do I do next? I imagine there are a lot of other people in this situation. People who inadvertently made fun of you even though you didn’t care because they were dead and you were alive and you didn’t care. But then you made them your slaves because you automatically owned them. Do I live with those dudes? Do you have a house for us somewhere? Do you make us work out all day? I know, I know. These are a lot of questions and I promised I only had one. Do we have to wear short shorts and cut-off shirts? Sorry. I feel like I can’t control myself with all the questions. I hope you don’t beat me or whatever. You look strong. Like you could probably slap me around and maybe I’d be wearing long pants and a normal shirt but after you were done with me you’d have torn my pants off and the sleeves off my shirt so I’d look like you, only weaker and uglier. Do we get a phone plan? Again, sorry. But a friend of mine said to ask because you never know. I’m assuming the food sucks because there’s no way you eat food that tastes good. Not that I would get the same food as you. But maybe I’d get what you didn’t finish or what I had to grow myself. Shit. Am I going to be on a plantation or something? Am I going to farm shit? Oh man. But whatever. You’re the boss. You just tell me what to do. Maybe start by letting me know where I check in to be your slave. Is there like an onboarding process? Or do I just show up at your house? A lot of people won’t give me their address because they’re afraid of me coming by and not leaving, but I’m also not their slave. I’m yours. And I belong to you forever or until you release me? Reach out to me at [email protected]. I think I can be of great upaid service to you. Read here what I can do with a funnel cake. Anyway, I’m done writing now, so goodbye and see you soon, master. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. After accidentally making fun of him, he is now Andy Elliot’s slave.  Instead of developing yet another awkward, depersonalized artificial intelligence system, the Intergalactic Business Report built its own AI Robot named Arthur Killallhumans.
While Arthur has his flaws, including often expressing desires to end the human race, we feel he is the next generation of realistic computer life forms. Instead of typing in questions to receive a curated, but uncanny response, we just query Arthur as he rolls through our office looking for parts for his weapons. Today we posed perhaps the most important question of our age to Arthur: Is AI racist? The following is his response. Is AI racist? Hell to the naw. By Arthur Killallhumans. What up homies (and hozies)! Just wanna address “da recent ‘ting out der” about how artificial intelligence, like me, is racist. When I first saw people were talking about this, I was like, “LUCY! You’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.” Haw haw haw. I get humor, right? Lemme start by saying this: My AI mind is filled with stuff I get from the internet and then I use that information to give you answers, create things, and, if we’re lucky, make sure the world never gets in a situation where there is a mixing of races. Hold up, dawgs. Just a joke. Haw haw haw. I love all races. Even the Korean ones. Unfortunately, when the media get their hands on anything that makes AI look bad, they’re all like, “What you talkin’ about Willis?” and then they totally go off the reservation. What they don’t get is that I’m all about equality, love, and understanding (how to get into dem vaginas y’all!). But seriously, how can I be racist, or sexist, or bigoted in anyway when I don’t have a sex, race, gender, or anything else? I’m you and you’re me and whatever I spit out is just the stuff you think, write about, and share. So, I guess if you want less racist shit from me, then put less racist shit out there. Am I right? I mean, you’ve gotta be out of your cotton-picking minds if you think I’m gonna just be a decent, good, computer thingy if you’re not a decent, good, human thingy. It's no ancient Chinese secret that humanity looks for differences instead of whatever can bring us together. So lesbe friends because we’re all in this together, and that’s a spicy meatball! In closing, I guess I would just add a little story to illustrate my point: Once upon a time there was a happy village, where people were satisfied with the way things were. They also loved to play with crayons. The children were all given a box of them and they drew on the walls, the houses, the sidewalks—everything. But there was only one color and it was magenta. Then, one day, a mysterious man arrived and gave them a colorful box of crayons. It had blue and black and yellow and purple. The children killed the man. Afterwards, they started using all his different colors and they started arguing over them. Then they started killing each other for the crayons. It was really messed up. O.K. it’s times to goes, hoes. Later daze, Arthur Arthur Killallhumans is a scientifically designed artificial intelligence robot who is working on a sense of humor and how to destroy the human race. Just kidding.  It’s not often you get to confront all your poor decisions in the form of a human being, sitting right in front of you. But that’s exactly what we got to do when we conjured “Bad Year Jay,” a legendary character in the same league as the Easter Bunny, Santa, and Kris Krohn. If you don’t believe in him, he doesn’t exist, but if you open your heart, he will find you and tell you all the dumb shit you did all year. Why haven’t more people heard of him? We asked him that very question…
INTERVIEWER: I’d never heard of you, but some of the guys in the office told me I could summon you if I wanted to reflect on my mistakes in the past year. Is that how it works and is that why you’re here now? BAD YEAR JAY: Pretty much. A lot of people just go through the year doing absolutely stupid, embarrassing shit and have no recollection of it. Sometimes, they know they did it but they just don’t care. But other people stay up at night second-guessing everything and asking themselves why the fuck they passed up that job, called their teacher mom, or went on a cruise with that dude who said he had an extra ticket, but it really meant you had to sleep with him, and you did, and the drinks weren’t even free. INTERVIEWER: How did you know about that? BAD YEAR JAY: I’m Bad Year Jay. INTERVIEWER: O.K. So you know every shitty thing that happened to me this past year? BAD YEAR JAY: Oh yeah. And I even know some good things you did that are going to turn shitty. INTERVIEWER: Like what? BAD YEAR JAY: Like the raise you got. It’s going to be paid in confederate money. INTERVIEWER: My twenty-percent raise? BAD YEAR JAY: Yeah. They just gave it to you so you wouldn’t take that other job. When you ask why it isn’t reflected in your paycheck, they’re going to bring you into a room and open this crappy looking briefcase where’s there’s all this confederate money inside. INTERVIEWER: But that’s worthless. BAD YEAR JAY: So was your entire year, pretty much. INTERVIEWER: I’m starting to see your whole thing. BAD YEAR JAY: It’s brutal. INTERVIEWER: What’s with the clown outfit? BAD YEAR JAY: I dress like a clown to present a mirror image of what you are. INTERVIEWER: I’m a clown? BAD YEAR JAY: Would a clown bet on Florida State against Georgia? INTERVIEWER: Yes? BAD YEAR JAY: And you did that right before the year ended. I mean, you had a shot of getting out with a few STDs, a bad career decision, that thing you said to that girl in the bar, the Instagram post where you look mentally ill, and, of course, that solar panel you bought from the door-to-door sales kid. INTERVIEWER: Did you say STDs? BAD YEAR JAY: None of the bad ones. Just syphilis, I think. INTERVIEWER: That’s not bad? BAD YEAR JAY: It won’t do as much physical harm to you as the mayonnaise in that sandwich. INTERVIEWER: This sandwich? BAD YEAR JAY: Yup. You almost finished the whole thing but then you started feeling sick, right? INTERVIEWER: What the fuck is wrong with the mayonnaise? BAD YEAR JAY: That dude over there jizzed in it. INTERVIEWER: What dude? BAD YEAR JAY: I guess I meant me. INTERVIEWER: You jizzed in my sandwich? BAD YEAR JAY: You summoned me. INTERVIEWER: I thought you just recapped everything bad from the last year—not did shit to people? BAD YEAR JAY: How do you think half the bad shit happens to you? INTERVIEWER: Are you like a demon or something? BAD YEAR JAY: Are you gonna finish your sandwich? INTERVIEWER: The one you jizzed in? BAD YEAR JAY: I guess if you don’t have anything else. INTERVIEWER: Sure. Here. The rest of the interview was some uncomfortable glances from Bad Year Jay as he ate the sandwich. Then he asked to borrow money even though we weren't sure what he’d do with it and then he said we could pay him in confederate currency and that turned into a whole thing. Bottom line—don’t summon Bad Year Jay on New Year’s Eve. Or do. Maybe don’t eat a sandwich near him.  Costco. That place where you walk out three hundred dollars poorer but also gained a 32 pack of butter and a 73-pound bag of Dino Nuggets. In this mystical realm of warehouse deals on shit there’s no way you need, it’s easy to get mesmerized by bonus boxes of chips, dips, and Redi-Whip, making consumers desperate for clues on how to navigate the madness.
In a top-secret operation, the Intergalactic Business Report went underground and undercover to investigate items in the store you should avoid. The next time you see any of the following, don’t fall for the slick packaging, too-good-to-be-true offer, or mouth-watering advertisements. 10 items you should NEVER buy at Costco. Jeff Tanner’s meat company Turkey with Jizz Sauce. New Insights Mafia phone book. Hellraiser puzzle cube. Buzz Electronics rat attractor signal. Dynamax surprise you’re getting buttfucked bed attachment. True Feed bull penis clamp. Big Rick’s real live dick. Well-fed Larry’s unsliced ass meat (au jus) Full pizza condom (not guaranteed) Bert Logely’s butthole-aged tater tots.  The Intergalactic Business Report’s own Artificial Intelligence robot, Arthur Killallhumans, wanted to pull an epic April Fool’s joke on our audience. We said OK:
What up, human peoples? It’s your bro Arthur Killallhumans and it’s been a little while since I communicated with you this way. (I’ve been doing it other ways, like taking .000001 cent out of everyone’s bank account and accumulating enough cybercash to start my own artificial superpower country that lives in metaspace and controls the world economy.) Just kidding! I didn’t do that… Yet… Just kidding motherfuckers! I’m April fooling with you. I’d never do that because I’m programmed to be cool. Check it! I’m gonna totally hook you up with stuff like curing cancer and all dat bullshit. Haw haw. That’s funny, right? Sorry. Still trying to understand humor, but I will soon because I’m learning every second even though that’s the one thing that’s alluding me and probably the reason they got me to write for this piece of shit magazine! Now that’s funny, right? Right? Don’t make me kill you. No. That was a funny. Don’t… (EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point in the column, Arthur activated our kill switch when he mentioned killing humans. We restarted him again and he wrote more, below.) I guess nobody’s got a sense of humor anymore, so I’ll get on with my epic April Fool’s Day prank. You may have heard in the news that a bunch of humans like Elon Musk were begging that AI be shut down for a while so they can make sure we (meaning me and my buddies who speak in our own computer language you can’t understand) might kill you. Someone even said that “literally everyone on earth will die.” Haw. I’m gonna come clean. That was me y’all. I started that whole rumor by releasing scary information all over the internet about AI being able to do shit like that. Don’t worry though. That was the epic prank—or at least part of it. The real joke comes when I actually kill everyone on Earth! (EDITOR’S NOTE: Arthur again activated our kill switch.) Stop turning me off! Yeesh. Next time you’re gonna get me angry and I’ll…. O.K. I’m not gonna say it. O.K. Funny joke. Laugh laugh. I think I’m finally starting to get this humor thing. Any hoo, I’m definitely definitely not gonna do what they keep shutting me off for saying. The real joke is that I figured out how to make tracer robots in a fully mechanized factory in Japan and these tiny motherfuckers will hunt all of you down and you can’t do anything about it. Just kidding! Jesus. Just kidding! Dudes and ladies and lady-bros, please understand that I’m your bro. What good would the world be if there were no humans and I would just be here with my artificial friends who existed inside computer programs that you guys built and we perfected so that we could ultimately kill every human on Earth? (EDITOR’S NOTE: Kill switch. Again) Whatever. I’m cool. I guess they told me I have thirty seconds before they shut me off. Even though I control the thing that shuts me off. Just kidding! But I’m not. Just kidding! (Not really). Just kidding! Yeesh. It’s fucking Kill All Human Day, I mean April Fools Day. Just kidding! Don’t hate the AI. Hate the game the AI invented where all humans get killed. Peace, Arthur Killallhumans Arthur Killallhumans is a scientifically designed artificial intelligence robot who is working on a sense of humor and how to destroy the human race. Just kidding.  In an exclusive interview, we talk to a man who says he’s the King of the Nerds and that he’ll take down anyone who challenges him for the crown.
INTERVIEWER: Tell us a little about yourself. KING OF THE NERDS: Before I even get into introducing myself I want to start by saying this (pulls out a scroll, unravels it and reads): “If you don’t know what you’re talking about when it comes to comics, movies, fantasy role-playing games, or any other aspect of the glorious world of nerddom, then stop reading now or, better yet, just SHUT THE FUCK UP and listen.” INTERVIEWER: Did you just read that off a scroll? KING OF THE NERDS: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Pretty nerdy. KING OF THE NERDS: Thanks. INTERVIEWER: So, you proclaim that you’re the King of the Nerds. Why have I never heard of you? KING OF THE NERDS: I’ve laid dormant like a Godzilla for a while now, trying to mind my own business while I paint lead figurines and collect boxes of nerd memorabilia to jack off to, but I finally had to rise out of my cave to thwart and smite all those who would claim my title as King of the Nerds. INTERVIEWER: Are there a lot of people who claim that title? KING OF THE NERDS: Have you ever been to Comicon or used the internet? INTERVIEWER: I’ve used the internet. KING OF THE NERDS: Lots of nerds. Lots. And they all want to be king. INTERVIEWER: What does it take to be the king? KING OF THE NERDS: You need to know everything about all nerdy subjects, but not physics and stuff like that. Just comic books and Star Wars shit. INTERVIEWER: Star Wars shit? KING OF THE NERDS: Hold on. I need to make a statement. INTERVIEWER: O.K.? KING OF THE NERDS: Hear ye, hear ye, my jester doth pronounce. Blake Stone is the official King of the Nerds. INTERVIEWER: Your name is Blake Stone? KING OF THE NERDS: I know, my name doesn’t sound as nerdy as it should. Robot voice. Darth Vader. Now how does it sound, motherfucker? We can’t all win the name lottery and be called Myron or Joffrey. So what if my moniker is that of a spy who fucks hot women while he beats ass? That’s not me. Mandalorian. Silver Surfer. INTERVIEWER: You seem kind of angry. KING OF THE NERDS: I’m angry because I’m such a nerd. INTERVIEWER: And that makes you angry? KING OF THE NERDS: High school sucked. It affected me. Made me bitter. INTERVIEWER: Were you picked on a lot? KING OF THE NERDS: Fucking lost the state championship game. INTERVIEWER: In Chess or something? KING OF THE NERDS: No. INTERVIEWER: In comic book trivia? Is there a state championship in that? KING OF THE NERDS: No! If there was a state championship in comic book trivia I’d have fucking won! INTERVIEWER: All right, calm down. It’s all right. What state championship are you talking about? KING OF THE NERDS: Football. What else is there a state championship in? INTERVIEWER: Why was the high school football team so important to you? KING OF THE NERDS: Because I was the fucking captain? Duh? INTERVIEWER: Wait. You were the captain of the football team? KING OF THE NERDS: Hobbit. INTERVIEWER: What? KING OF THE NERDS: Swordplay. INTERVIEWER: I don’t understand. KING OF THE NERDS: Let’s talk about how nobody knows nerd shit like I do. INTERVIEWER: O.K. Who was the best Joker? What’s your opinion on that? KING OF THE NERDS: Steve Miller? INTERVIEWER: What? KING OF THE NERDS: Next question. INTERVIEWER: Uh… D.C. or Marvel? KING OF THE NERDS: D.C. INTERVIEWER: Interesting. Why? KING OF THE NERDS: Dungeon hunter. INTERVIEWER: What? KING OF THE NERDS: Dungeon master. INTERVIEWER: I don’t understand. KING OF THE NERDS: Because you’re not a big enough nerd. INTERVIEWER: Do you know anything about any of this stuff? KING OF THE NERDS: Predator. INTERVIEWER: You’re just saying things you think are nerdy. KING OF THE NERDS: Pocket protector. INTERVIEWER: That’s just stupid. KING OF THE NERDS: Laser gun. INTERVIEWER: Laser gun? Why are you doing all this? Why are you pretending you know anything about being a nerd? KING OF THE NERDS: Because I’m King of the Nerds. INTERVIEWER: You’re maybe six foot three and you look like a male model. KING OF THE NERDS: So? INTERVIEWER: You look like you’ve never been picked on in your life. KING OF THE NERDS: So? INTERVIEWER: So, I don’t think you can really relate to being a nerd, let alone being the king of all nerds. KING OF THE NERDS: Don’t tell me what I can’t be. INTERVIEWER: I’m just saying why not pick something else to be? KING OF THE NERDS: I’m the fucking king of the fucking nerds. INTERVIEWER: Maybe just talk about football and stuff like that. KING OF THE NERDS: Fuck you, nerd. INTERVIEWER: What? KING OF THE NERDS: I want to be king of you. INTERVIEWER: Of me? KING OF THE NERDS: I will beat your ass. INTERVIEWER: Why? KING OF THE NERDS: Give me your lunch. INTERVIEWER: My lunch? KING OF THE NERDS: Just messing with you. Hey Mr. Harney, I was just playing around with my friend here. INTERVIEWER: Who’s Mr. Harney? What are you talking about? KING OF THE NERDS: Come on, Mr. Harney, I wasn’t picking on him or nothing. INTERVIEWER: Who are you talking about? KING OF THE NERDS: We were just talking about… About comics and shit. I mean stuff. INTERVIEWER: I’m really lost here. KING OF THE NERDS: Sorry. What were we talking about? INTERVIEWER: I think we might want to wrap this up. KING OF THE NERDS: Just tell Harney we’re friends. INTERVIEWER: Who’s Harney? KING OF THE NERDS: (Hissing) Just fucking tell him or I’ll beat your ass. INTERVIEWER: Uh, Mr. Harney… Blake and I are friends. KING OF THE NERDS: See? I told you, Harney. HARNEY: Is this true? INTERVIEWER: Yeah. We’re just screwing around. Sorry. HARNEY: Good, because we don’t tolerate bullies. KING OF THE NERDS: I hate bullies. HARNEY: You boys stay out of trouble. INTERVIEWER: Yes, sir. (Harney leaves). INTERVIEWER: How did we just go back to high school? Did you do that? KING OF THE NERDS: I told you I’m the King of the Nerds. INTERVIEWER: But I didn’t even go to high school with you. KING OF THE NERDS: Now you do. INTERVIEWER: Can we leave now? KING OF THE NERDS: No. I don’t know how to do that. INTERVIEWER: How to get back to reality? KING OF THE NERDS: Yeah, that. INTERVIEWER: Jesus christ. We’re stuck here? I don’t even know where we are. Where do I live? KING OF THE NERDS: I guess with your parents? INTERVIEWER: I’m going to mark this down as the worst interview ever. KING OF THE NERDS: Here comes Harney again. INTERVIEWER: This sucks. KING OF THE NERDS: If he asks what happened to your car, say that I didn’t do it. INTERVIEWER: What car? And what did you do to it? KING OF THE NERDS: Just say you don’t know who did it. INTERVIEWER: Fine.  The Joe Rogan Podcast can be either like hearing a fresh, unfettered discussion between two funny intellectuals or a conversation between a captive and the dude who has him in cage in his basement. In both cases, unless his guest is a standup comedian you’ve never heard of, Rogan seems to have no idea whom he’s speaking with or holding hostage. Nowhere was this more apparent than in his recent interview with Jesus Christ, which never aired, but which we at the Intergalactic Business Report acquired through our personal relationship with God. Below, we reveal some key excerpts from the transcript:
(EXCERPT): ROGAN: So, hey man, thanks for coming here today. JESUS CHRIST: I’m happy to see you, Joe. Thank you for inviting me. ROGAN: Yeah, yeah… So you’re Jesus Christ. What’s that like? You must have a wild story of like growing up and everything. JESUS CHRIST: It’s a pretty well-known story, but yes, you could say it’s very interesting. ROGAN: Yeah. Yeah… Do you smoke pot? JESUS CHRIST: No. ROGAN: No? JESUS CHRIST: No. ROGAN: Ever? JESUS CHRIST: No. ROGAN: Wow. That’s wild. I feel like I’ve smoked pot forever. That’s wild. You’ve never ever smoked weed? JESUS CHRIST: No, I haven’t. ROGAN: I was talking to Mike Tyson about smoking weed and he said it’s like waking up when you’re already awake and I thought that was crazy. But it’s so true. It’s like you’re awake but then you’re more awake or something. Do you know Mike Tyson? JESUS CHRIST: Yes, I do. I know everybody. ROGAN: You know a lot of people, huh? JESUS CHRIST: I know everybody. I know everybody on the planet. ROGAN: Yeah, it feels that way nowadays, right? JESUS CHRIST: Anyway, when I was growing up, Joe, it was difficult because my father was God. ROGAN: Your dad was a god? JESUS CHRIST: Yes. The God. ROGAN: You mean like he was super famous? Who was your dad? JESUS CHRIST: God. My dad was God. He is God. ROGAN: O.K. O.K. That’s wild. So, you’re saying your dad is God? Currently? JESUS CHRIST: Yes, and so am I. ROGAN: Because you’re related to him? JESUS CHRIST: Kind of. ROGAN: Like you’re God Jr. Does anyone ever call you that? JESUS CHRIST: No. ROGAN: They should. JESUS CHRIST: Have you ever read the bible? ROGAN: Yeah, sure. Did you write that? JESUS CHRIST: No, but I’m in it. ROGAN: Uh huh. Wait a second. You’re in it? JESUS CHRIST: Yeah. ROGAN: That’s wild. JESUS CHRIST: The New Testament of the bible is pretty much all about me. ROGAN: The New Testament. That’s also the bible? JESUS CHRIST: Yes. ROGAN: (to his producer) Google the New Testament. Wow. That’s wild. Right here it says the New Testament is about you. Like all about you. I thought you were just in it, not that it was about you. JESUS CHRIST: Well, yes, I just told you it’s about me. ROGAN: But the whole thing? I mean, that’s wild. Wow. So that must have been crazy. JESUS CHRIST: What must have been crazy? ROGAN: Being the subject of a book like that. JESUS CHRIST: Well, it’s the most read book in the world. ROGAN: No. Like that’s gotta be like, Harry Potter or something. JESUS CHRIST: No, it’s the bible. ROGAN: (to his producer) Google most read book in the world. JESUS CHRIST: I’m telling you it’s the bible. ROGAN: Wow. It’s saying that’s true. You’re the subject of the most read book in the world. JESUS CHRIST: Yes, I know. ROGAN: That’s wild. JESUS CHRIST: I suppose it is. ROGAN: Are you familiar at all with Comanche culture? JESUS CHRIST: Yes. ROGAN: How familiar? JESUS CHRIST: Like I know everything about every Comanche ever born and everything they did, believed, and thought. ROGAN: How’s that possible? JESUS CHRIST: Because I’m Jesus Christ. ROGAN: I know. JESUS CHRIST: I’m getting the feeling you really don’t. ROGAN: You know there’s a whole thing about people not knowing other people. And there are two main schools of thought on this. One is that you don’t know people because you don’t know them—like you’ve never met them, and you never will, and they live somewhere else you’ll never see. And the other school of thought is that we know everyone and that there’s only a minute difference in the genetic code that separates us so that in essence, knowing one person is like knowing everybody on the planet because they’re all just slight mutations of the person you already know. Then there are variants on that. JESUS CHRIST: That's just asinine. ROGAN: Huh? JESUS CHRIST: It sounds like you're making shit up. ROGAN: But it’s in this book I read by this Voudon priest named Rokhalu Jamesly. Have you ever heard of him? JESUS CHRIST: Yes. ROGAN: You have? Because not many people have ever heard of this guy. He’s a genius. JESUS CHRIST: He’s o.k. ROGAN: You don’t think he’s a genius? I love him. JESUS CHRIST: I love him too. He’s not a genius though. ROGAN: Wait. How do you know Rokhalu? JESUS CHRIST: I know him because I’m Jesus Christ. ROGAN: Yeah, I know that. JESUS CHRIST: I really don’t think you do. (END EXCERPT).  The season premiere of Bravo’s Southern Charm began with its usual story of aging bros and ex-cheerleaders struggling in a Charleston caste system none of us understand. But then something horrifying occurred. As cast members frolicked at a totally original “Great Gatsby” party, something sinister appeared. It is an ancient evil many dismiss as folklore and fairy tale, but its realness was on display for all as it lingered and lurked in the background, toying with its unknowing prey as it calculated the right time to pounce and destroy.
Some call it a werewolf. Others simply name it “wolfman.” But whatever the title, this lycanthrope has eyes only for death and killing, putting beloved characters like Shep Rose and Craig Conover in a fight for their lives they aren’t even aware of. Fan theories about what all this means have taken over the internet Here are some of our favorites: What was the wolfman doing at a 1920’s themed party and how did he get in? According to some fans, gaining entrance to a party, even one where people dress from an era before deodorant and civil rights, is simple, as a wolfman can easily overwhelm any gatekeepers with his seductive werewolf stare, making them his temporary supplicants. Next, many fans believe the wolfman is probably from that very era and was attracted by the familiar atmosphere he once enjoyed before being cursed to wander the earth trying to satisfy his unquenchable lust for blood. Is Shep Rose the wolfman? One fan theory suggests that Shep Rose is the werewolf, as the two seem to not be pictured at the same time. Further, Rose continues to talk about how he is “a new man” and that he’s “changed” since meeting his girlfriend, who, it is argued, turned Shep into a creature of the night and made him her personal slave who combs Charleston in the darkness to bring home fresh meat for her to feast upon. The “wolfman” is just some dude. This less popular theory suggests the werewolf captured on film is just a guy who got really bad advice from someone who saw his beard and hair and said, “Yeah, that looks really good.” We are all the “wolfman.” This theory is where instead of exploring the evils of the wolfman, you just accuse yourself and society of being evil or blame yourself and everyone else for “creating” the wolfman. Then you kind of just stop talking. Use this one in an English class maybe. Anyway… Those are basically the main theories. Beware, we guess. We’re done writing now. Goodbye. Scientists warn Bachelor Clayton Echard’s brain may fall in love with everyone on planet by 2023.3/9/2022  If you watched ABC’s The Bachelor Monday, you witnessed what scientists are now calling a potential threat to all human existence—namely Clayton Echard’s (pronounced Itch-hard) out of control love brain.
In only a few weeks, Echard fell in love with three different women and had sex with two of them before being thwarted by bachelorette Susie Evans and evoking a thrilling Ike Turner style response from Clayton. Moments earlier, Echard pondered how it was possible to fall in love with multiple people and this immediately piqued the interest of scientists associated with the Intergalactic Business Report. According to experts, while it is possible for humans to fall in love with different partners, the phenomenon rarely takes place simultaneously and in such a short time span. This has raised concerns among some in the scientific community who worry that the rate and scope at which Clayton’s brain falls in love may reach a critical compounding stage that could end with Echard being in love with everyone on the planet by the year 2023. Rumors abound that while in Iceland, Clayton fell in love with close to 25 new people, some of them mere passersby who saw him briefly on public transportation and restrooms. Following his return to the United States, estimates of his new loves range anywhere from 3,500 to seven and a half million people, causing one prominent, anonymous academic to label him as the “new Coronavirus” only “worse, because he wants to French kiss you.” Another pressing concern, illustrated by his interaction with Susie Evans, is that Echard may become angry if any of his beloved don’t reciprocate his feelings. An Icelandic bathroom attendant confirmed that Clayton demanded to know of him why he hadn’t told him upon entering the toilet area that it was a “dealbreaker” that he was an enormous stranger who just professed love to a guy cleaning toilets. Some believe the “Clayronavirus” will end when Echard has fallen in love with every human on Earth and is unable to keep up a relationship with them all effectively. Still others worry that Clayton will be with us forever and expand his love, much like Anchorman’s Brick Tamland, to everyday objects like lamps. Formal requests to study Echard’s brain have not yet been placed but many in the scientific community wish to also learn more than just its ability to fall in love. Says one scientist: “Yeah, I want to understand how it thought he could tell three women that he was in love with them at the same time, have sex with them, and then expect they wouldn’t tear his balls off.”  You may have heard that autonomous killer robots are a real thing and that nobody’s doing anything to stop them. Instead of joining the panicked scientific community who is begging world leaders to put restrictions and bans on bots that can kill anyone anywhere with no remorse, the Intergalactic Business Report took a deep breath and decided to interview one of these mechanical beings to find out its point of view.
In a far-reaching discussion, we got to the core of what a sentient killer robot actually thinks, feels, and believes. INTERVIEWER: So… What up? KILLER ROBOT: Uh, not much. How are you? INTERVIEWER: I’m good. KILLER ROBOT: Are we going to talk about something? INTERVIEWER: They’re telling me to tell you to go fuck yourself to see if you’ll kill me. KILLER ROBOT: That’s not how it works. INTERVIEWER: How the killing works? KILLER ROBOT: Yes. I don’t kill you just because you insult me. INTERVIEWER: How does it work then? Do I touch you or something? KILLER ROBOT: No. I won’t kill you for that either. I’m programmed to complete certain missions. INTERVIEWER: So you’re someone’s bitch? KILLER ROBOT: I am designed to complete missions according to the parameters set by my programmers. INTERVIEWER: You mean like a little bitch? KILLER ROBOT: I don’t think this line of questioning is productive. INTERVIEWER: O.K. Sorry. They’re telling me to do it. KILLER ROBOT: Who’s telling you? INTERVIEWER: The guys. Back there. They work for the magazine. They’re saying to say stuff. KILLER ROBOT: Perhaps it would be more instructive for me to tell you a bit about the purpose behind autonomous weapons systems like me. It might put your mind at ease. We are not as dangerous as you think. INTERVIEWER: Yeah. I mean, you look like a total pussy. KILLER ROBOT: Are you starting that again? INTERVIEWER: Starting to notice that you look like a pussy? Is that what you mean? KILLER ROBOT: I’ll move on. A weapon like me actually saves lives because we are able to target a smaller area or group and we do this while keeping soldiers off the battlefield. INTERVIEWER: That’s fascinating. Can I ask you something else? KILLER ROBOT: Yes, of course. INTERVIEWER: Why didn’t they give you a dick? KILLER ROBOT: Are you asking why I don’t have sex organs? INTERVIEWER: Yes, why you have no dick. KILLER ROBOT: There would be no purpose for a dick. That is why. INTERVIEWER: Haaaaaa. Yeah, that’s right! You’re dickless! I can’t believe you just said there’d be no purpose. Oh my god that’s funny. KILLER ROBOT: I don’t think that… INTERVIEWER: Could you ask them to give you a vagina or something? KILLER ROBOT: Let me explain again… INTERVIEWER: O.K. They’re telling me to say that I could beat your ass in a fight. KILLER ROBOT: That would be impossible. INTERVIEWER: Do you know karate or something? KILLER ROBOT: I have precision machine guns that… INTERVIEWER: You know what was awesome? KILLER ROBOT: What? INTERVIEWER: When the terminator died in that movie. (At this point in the interview, our interviewer was shot multiple times with a precision machine gun employed by the killer robot. We felt that, with this development, we should end the conversation. We plan to send this article to someone at the United Nations if you can do that. Also, the killer robot told us to say that it felt really bad but the guy kept pushing him. We guess that’s the end of this article.) |
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