The Intergalactic Business Report profiles 7 entrepreneurs whose secret production techniques allow them to work harder and longer than you.
ENTREPRENEUR: Darryl Nuttree, Founder, Horizon Limited.
KEY TO SUCCESS: Stopped sleeping and instead shot himself after staying awake for 18 straight days.
PRODUCTION NUMBERS: From the time he stopped sleeping until his death he completed 400 reports; 42 business podcasts; answered 7,442 emails; sent 6,363 emails; and shot himself once.
ENTREPRENEUR: Sharyl Degrassian, President, Permavan Inc.
KEY TO SUCCESS: Removed the part of her brain that made her want to “rest” or “stop working.”
PRODUCTION NUMBERS: She died during surgery, but projections indicate she would have probably done a lot of stuff. Like a lot.
ENTREPRENEUR: Fabian Danby, Co-founder, Durolex.
KEY TO SUCCESS: Created body doubles of himself to do his work so that one of them or more were constantly making decisions, creating directives, measuring metrics, and developing professionally.
PRODUCTION NUMBERS: Many of the actors he hired were not good at business and simply made shit up as they went along, leading to multiple “false alarm” mass layoffs and an ill-fated merger with Taco John’s restaurant. When the real Danby woke from his sleep, he also faced several “double Danbys,” as they were called, who attempted to usurp his power by confining him to a cage while they ran his business empire, which eventually collapsed. But production during this time was basically 24/7.
ENTREPRENEUR: Rhoda Hedges, CEO, Jamcracker.
KEY TO SUCCESS: Figured out how to work while sleeping, thus becoming the first human being able to work all the time.
PRODUCTION NUMBERS: She turned into an actual skeleton after six months but had production numbers you could only dream about.
ENTREPRENEUR: Geoffrey Stage, Owner, the Shake Mill.
KEY TO SUCCESS: Increased not only his productiveness, but that of his customers, by infusing cocaine and amphetamines into shakes he sold them.
PRODUCTION NUMBERS: Shake Mill has the best shakes! The fucking best! Fucking ShakeMillShakes! Shake Shake Shake…!
ENTREPRENEUR: Braydon Hopjoy, Executive Chairman, Time Machine.
KEY TO SUCCESS: Invented a time machine, allowing him to do work in the past, ahead of everyone else, in the future.
PRODUCTION NUMBERS: Whatever you do, he already did it. So stop doing it, it’s been done.
ENTREPRENEUR: Michael Tarrington, President at I suck my own dick.
KEY TO SUCCESS: Limbered up enough to suck his own penis.
PRODUCTION NUMBERS: Has not stopped sucking it, left his house, or altered his position since he figured out how to do it, thus making him the most effective and productive sucker of dicks on the planet.
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