 Stop being an empty suit. I hate when people write anonymous articles so I’m using my real name. Yes, my boss will probably read this. And yes, I stand a chance of getting fired when he does. But if I’m going down, I’m going to do it honestly. That’s why I chose to write this in an online publication called the Intergalactic Business Report that holds to the highest standards of decency and truth.
So, boss, this is for you. Please read all the way to the end, even if you get frustrated or upset before then. Believe me, this is for your own good. I’ve stayed up nights, sometimes every night for weeks, thinking about what I would say to you if I could really speak freely. And yes, this may have contributed to a meth addiction, which is kind of your fault, if you think about it. And yes, I spent a lot of that time watching porn and drinking and trading crypto currency for Asian massages. And yes, I can’t remember exactly what point I was making with that. The main thing is that I feel like you ruined my career by being part of it. If I had been lucky enough to get a “cool” boss (basically the opposite of you), then I would probably be a well-rounded employee who doesn’t steal computer software and women’s scarves from his office. But I wasn’t that fortunate. Let me go back to the first day you hired me. You said, “We’d like to offer you the job.” I said, “Great. I can’t wait and I’m very excited to start contributing to the team.” That was a lie even though I didn’t know it at the time. My question now is why didn’t you say, “You can come to work here, but don’t expect it to be perfect. In fact, count on developing a meth addiction and getting arrested all the time for showing your dick to people at the bus stop.” That would have been a far better and more accurate introduction to life at your company. At my annual review, you said, “Rory, you haven’t been reaching any of your metrics. And you’ve called in sick thirty-seven times in the last two months.” Then you added this crap: “Can I help you? Are you going through something? I’m here to listen.” If you really wanted to help me you could have given me an expensive and rare gold coin that I could sell on Ebay or something. Maybe you could have set me up with some daughter you have or just flat out offered me drugs. But you only offered words. Stupid, silly words. So here’s my advice to you, my boss. 1. Have gold coins you hand to employees. 2. Stop talking. 3. Don’t point out things like how many days I didn’t show up for work. 4. Start a fund for employees where they can take money out of a jar with no questions asked. Keep the jar full. 5. Make a virtual version of that jar too, so staff can access it even if they aren’t in the office and are sick or whatever. 6. Start a program where team members can be undercover agents who infiltrate crack houses and need to do drugs to prove they’re not cops. 7. Have a thing where it’s good if you show your dick to people in public places. Like so good you get a promotion if you do it enough. 8. Have another thing where instead of an annual review you do a “paycheck guarantee,” which means you give paychecks to people without “reviewing” their “performance.” This will instill pride and loyalty. 9. Finally, end the stigma of sex work by employing sex workers to do stuff around the office, like have sex probably, although I’m sure there are other things they can do, like clean. Sincerely, Rory Flatbush* *Not my real name.  Self-sabotage is a real thing and we do it more often than we know. When you’re at the office, you may think you’re being humble or magnanimous when you’re actually behaving like a little bitch.
The Intergalactic Business Report isn’t sure you deserve this information, but we’re going to give it to you anyway. If you want respect at work, stop saying these common phrases today: 1. “I am not worthy of your respect. I formally request that you stop respecting me. Or respect me just to show disrespect for my request to disrespect me.” 2. “Oh my god I suck. Does everyone here understand that?” 3. “You know that Aretha Franklin song about respect? Whatever the opposite of that is, please sing it to me. Or don’t. You can also just ignore me and pretend you don’t hear what I’m saying.” 4. “Please slap a real or figurative penis across my face.” 5. “I’m here to ask for a demotion because I really think my work has sucked this quarter.” 6. “Can someone please find a way to humiliate me in front of everyone? Thanks, Randy. Yes, you can slap me with your dick.” 7. “I don’t think I can fit all my self-hatred and insecurities in my butt, but I’m going to try.” 8. “Don’t forget to take your money out of my wallet before you throw it out the window of this Uber I’m paying for.” 9. “Is that some kind of a magic trick or did you take everything out of my office and give it to those hobos? Yup. That guy’s wearing my coat. Oh, and that one has my junior high participation trophy…” |
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