Whether your email is cold or hot, your subject line alerts the reader immediately to your purpose. But did you know that a bad subject line can also immediately turn readers off and cause them to toss your important message in the trash?
Using proprietary neuro-linguistic technology, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you which common subject lines you need to avoid today. Never, ever, write:
SUBJECT: PLEEZE OPEN DIS EMAIL. IT SAFE.
SUBJECT: Checking in. And free penis pics.
SUBJECT: Follow up on your request to have your computer filled with viruses.
SUBJECT: You open email, yes? You do it now?
SUBJECT: Special message from Nigerian Prince banking.
SUBJECT: You trust me, yes? You open da email please?
SUBJECT: Spread your buttcheeks and let this email enter you.
SUBJECT: Click to buy bitcoin direct from the Russian mafia. NOT A JOKE.
SUBJECT: Follow link to choose new career as a model/hostess in an Asian brothel.
SUBJECT: Pffffftttttttttttttttttttttt. (Fart).
SUBJECT: Human turd requests your loyalty.
SUBJECT: Read email to confirm curse from 18th century demonic twins Patty and Harriet Thistlewaite.
SUBJECT: My balls sent this email. Click to see how.
IBR Merch, the official store of the Intergalactic Business Report, wants your money. Will there be enough inventory to satisfy our 4 trillion readers this holiday season? Probably not. That’s why we recommend going to ibrmerch.com today and buying everything you can.
Instead of giving the usual crappy gifts you give every year, surprise a friend or relative with our crappy gifts. We pride ourselves on creating apparel that no rational human being would ever want to wear in public.
Check out the highlights for our latest drop:
Drunk People Awareness collection.
This stunning new clothing line includes tee-shirts and sweat shirts that ask the question, “Is it normal to be this drunk?”
Other selections are the “just shit my pants. change my diaper” tee; our classic drunk person appreciation fleece; the “drunker than jesus” shirt; and a male instruction guide.
You can also buy official IBR gear and men’s and women’s fashion.
Above all, the value you will find in all our merchandise is the money you spend that starts going to us instead of to wherever else you would have wasted it. That’s the promise we make to every customer.
Keep checking in, as we will update our store with new crap as the holiday season continues.
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