 A CEO recently advised businesses interviewing candidates to simply “turn that résumé over. Just chat,” and added that “attitude is more important than experience.” We thought that sounded amazing since many of our staff members confirmed they had been shut out of great jobs simply because their experience and credentials were lacking. If they had been judged on their attitudes instead, they would almost certainly never be working for us.
As the recognized vanguard for human resources innovation, the Intergalactic Business Report simulates what might happen using this revolutionary interviewing breakthrough. Below, we have generated several re-imaginations of job interviews our staff members had in the past by first showing what actually happened, and second, revealing how they would have gone using this new technique. The results may astound you and take your company in a new direction when it comes to hiring. INTERVIEW REWIND NUMBER ONE: IBR columnist Ed Mountaineer’s interview at an unnamed financial services brokerage (circa 1998): HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: So, Ed, it says here you graduated from business school with high honors? ED: Yes, that’s correct. INTERVIEWER: Where exactly is the Business School of My Mind? I’ve never heard of it. ED: You’ve never heard of my mind? Ha ha. Why don’t we talk about my fierce attitude instead of this résumé bullshit? INTERVIEWER: Well… We look at the candidate’s résumé to determine whether he has the background to understand how our business works. We provide financial services for people who… ED: I provide financial services to peoples’ mothers. And by mothers I mean your mother. INTERVIEWER: What? ED: And by financial services I mean have sex with them in their butts. INTERVIEWER: What? ED: How you like my attitude? HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: Hi Ed. I’m going to turn your résumé over and not even look at it. ED: Wise choice. INTERVIEWER: You seem to have a fierce attitude. ED: That’s what your mom told me last night. INTERVIEWER: Oh my god that’s so funny. ED: I know. INTERVIEWER: Do you have any interest in providing financial services to people? ED: I have an interest in providing them to your mom. INTERVIEWER: Bro. That is so fucking funny. ED: I’m hired. INTERVIEWER: That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for. ED: (Mocking) That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for. INTERVIEW REWIND NUMBER TWO: IBR columnist and trust fund baby Haley DeBaron’s interview at Target (circa 2015). HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: HALEY: So, this is like a refugee camp or whatever? INTERVIEWER: Is what a refugee camp? HALEY: This… This place. INTERVIEWER: This is Target. HALEY: A target for what? INTERVIEWER: Are you here for a job interview? HALEY: What? INTERVIEWER: Didn’t you come here to interview? For a job? HALEY: I got lost… and pulled up to this… refugee camp… And you’re saying someone is targeting me? INTERVIEWER: It says on your résumé that you’ve worked in retail for 13 years? HALEY: That’s not mine. INTERVIEWER: Who’s is it? HALEY: That skanky looking woman over there? INTERVIEWER: Why did you hand it to me then? HALEY: I thought it was like a ticket to get to the front of the line at the refugee camp so that the CIA or whatever could pull me out ahead of everyone else? I just grabbed it from her because she looked so poor. HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED: HALEY: So, this is like a refugee camp or whatever? INTERVIEWER: Is what a refugee camp? HALEY: This… This place. INTERVIEWER: Oh… Because it looks like a refugee camp! Yes. It really does. I’ve never thought about that. HALEY: It also smells. INTERVIEWER: It does! HALEY: You kind of smell too. INTERVIEWER: Haw. Nice attitude! HALEY: Can you airlift me out of here or whatever? INTERVIEWER: I will airlift you to a management position because I’ve never interviewed anyone with your amount of honesty and moxy. HALEY: Do you know Moxy? Is she pranking me? INTERVIEWER: When can you start? HALEY: Start what? INTERVIEWER: Haw! You just earned a signing bonus! INTERVIEW REWIND NUMBER THREE: Current columnist Cedric Bigglestone’s interview for a job as a columnist at the Intergalactic Business Report (circa 2018). HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: What’s that on your face? CEDRIC: Probably a booger. Wait. You mean my face? INTERVIEWER: Are you O.K.? You look really shaky. CEDRIC: Probably reverberations from having sex with your mom. INTERVIEWER: Did you just say you had sex with my mother? CEDRIC: She never mentioned her name so I’m just guessing. Also, people don’t usually introduce themselves as someone’s mother so… INTERVIEWER: Your résumé reads like a rap sheet. It just lists a lot of petty crimes you’ve committed. CEDRIC: Can we just put that away and talk about my attitude instead? INTERVIEWER: I feel like I should call the cops or something? CEDRIC: How about you don’t and just hire me instead? INTERVIEWER: O.K. I guess you’ve got the job. HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: What’s that on your face? CEDRIC: Probably a booger. Wait. You mean my face? INTERVIEWER: Are you O.K.? You look really shaky. CEDRIC: Probably reverberations from having sex with your mom. INTERVIEWER: Did you just say you had sex with my mother? CEDRIC: She never mentioned her name so I’m just guessing. Also, people don’t usually introduce themselves as someone’s mother so… INTERVIEWER: That’s hilarious, bro. Nice attitude. CEDRIC: I know. INTERVIEWER: O.K. I guess you got the job. |
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