THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

Business news and advice that go beyond our galaxy.

Three career-ending emails you sent without realizing it.

8/16/2021

Comments

 
Picture
Email etiquette is a constant debate, even among seasoned professionals, who disagree on what salutations to use, appropriate signoffs, and generally how formal or informal you should be in an electronic communication. But did you know there are some career-ending emails you send without even realizing it?
 
As part of its educational series on how to succeed in your career, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals three emails you sent that probably got you fired: 
 
 
EMAIL ONE, SENT SATURDAY, 4:07 A.M.
 
FROM: Dirk Lansbury
TO: All faculty and staff at Trenton Elementary School
SUBJECT: EMERGENCY TURD ALERT
 
Hey motherfuckerzzzzz…… What up? It’s fucking four am and I’m still fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!! You all hozzzzzzzz. Fuck it. Fuck it. Whoops, just pooped in the cafeteria. Guess who ur gonna ask to clean that up?
 
Dirk Lansbury
Assistant Custodian
Trenton Elementary
 

EMAIL TWO, SENT WEDNESDAY, 3:03 A.M.
 
FROM: Phillip Turner
TO: All current patients
SUBJECT: Open wide
 
Hitting send to all you dumb fucks. Yeah, I’m drunk. So what? Please open your mouth super wide. Come on, do it. Is it open?
 
 Pffffffff…. That’s my farts.
 
Phillip Turner MD
Head of Proctology 
University Medical Center


EMAIL THREE, SENT MONDAY, 1:45 A.M.

 
FROM: Jacqueline Mondorf
TO: Brent Tuttles
SUBJECT: I just burned down your house
 
Hey Brent!
 
Hope ur vacation is going good. Everyone back at the office feels like it’s vacation for them too cause ur sorry ass isn’t here to boss them all around. Drinkin all day and smoking dope. Am I breakin the rulzzzz? Sorry. 
 
Also, I just burnt down ur house, motherfucker. 
 
Jackie Mondorf
Administrative Assistant
Tuttles Enterprises
IBR MERCH
Comments

New wealth trend: Rich old guys adopt bitchy daughters for totally platonic relationships.

8/13/2021

Comments

 
Picture
We interview an anonymous billionaire who lets us in on the latest trend: wealthy older men see having an arrogant self-centered daughter who has no regard for money or humanity as the ultimate status symbol. Why? Because only really rich guys seem to have those. Read our fascinating conversation below:
 
 
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for sitting down with us today. I know your time is very valuable.
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Everything about me is valuable.
 
INTERVIEWER: Good one. 
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Thanks.
 
INTERVIEWER: So tell me about your daughter.
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: My actual daughter or the bitchy one I adopted?
 
INTERVIEWER: You have an actual daughter too?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yes.
 
INTERVIEWER: She wasn’t bitchy enough for you?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She’s into charities and wearing second-hand clothes.
 
INTERVIEWER: She’s kind of a good person then?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh, totally. She’s the best.
 
INTERVIEWER: Then why did you feel the need to adopt a second daughter?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I know you wouldn’t understand this, because you’re so poor, but in my circle, most of my peers always talk about how their ridiculously selfish daughters spend their money. I had nothing to add to those conversations.
 
INTERVIEWER: You couldn’t add the fact that your daughter is philanthropic and not motivated by money?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, again, you don’t get it. If you said something like that everyone would immediately think you were a fake rich person because no real rich people have daughters like that.
 
INTERVIEWER: But you do…
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I did. I kind of don’t acknowledge my first one anymore.
 
INTERVIEWER: Why not?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Well, it’s not like she cares about money, and that’s kind of what I have to offer, so, what’s the point?
 
INTERVIEWER: O.K. that sounds pretty fucked up, but let’s just move on and talk about your new daughter.
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, she’s great. I mean, she’s terrible. Which is great.
 
INTERVIEWER: How is she terrible?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She tells me to fuck off a lot and then I get her a gift, like a sports car or a handbag that costs like a hundred thousand dollars or something. Then she says stuff like, “Oh daddy, I love you so much!”
 
INTERVIEWER: And that’s a good thing?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, because now I can talk to my friends and commiserate with them.
 
INTERVIEWER: Because their kids also suck?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, and mine is right up there with them.
 
INTERVIEWER: How did you meet your new daughter?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She was a college roommate of my daughter.
 
INTERVIEWER: So, she’s friends with your daughter?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Not anymore! I mean, I disowned my original daughter and adopted the new one. It kind of caused a rift between those two.
 
INTERVIEWER: I’d think so.
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: And now there’s a lot of guilt I have to deal with. 
 
INTERVIEWER: For disowning your daughter?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No, for not adopting my new daughter when she was younger. She always lays a guilt trip on me about that.
 
INTERVIEWER: Was your new daughter an orphan?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She has biological parents who raised her and sent her to college, where she met my daughter. But I’m richer than they are so she chose me.
 
INTERVIEWER: How do her parents feel about the situation?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I would say they’re confused. That would be the best way to put it. Since their former daughter (now mine) is like twenty-three, she’s not a dependent anymore, so from their perspective it makes no sense.
 
INTERVIEWER: Are they benefiting financially in any way? For instance are you paying back college loans for… What is your new daughter’s name?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Madison… Wait, did I say she was twenty-three?
 
INTERVIEWER: Yes, I think so.
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Fuck…
 
INTERVIEWER: What’s wrong?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s twenty-four. She’s fucking twenty-four! She’s gonna be like, Daddy! You don’t know how old I am? How could you? 
 
INTERVIEWER: Are you sure this is all worth it?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONIARE: I’m going to have to have a party for her or buy her something now. And it’s not gonna be cheap, I can tell you that! 
 
INTERVIEWER: So, what’s next for you?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’m probably going to be picking up an irresponsible son to wrap my Aston Martin around a tree.
 
INTERVIEWER: I need to ask you a very serious question.
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Shoot.
 
INTERVIEWER: Do you know any of your friends who have done this?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Done what?
 
INTERVIEWER: Adopted a grown woman to be their bitchy, out of control daughter?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Sure. Lots of them.
 
INTERVIEWER: Really?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I don’t know. Maybe I’m the only one. I’m like a pioneer…
 
INTERVIEWER: Nobody really does this do they?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. I guess not.
 
INTERVIEWER: Are you safe?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: What do you mean?
 
INTERVIEWER: Are you afraid of Madison? 
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s a five-foot-two, twenty-three-year-old girl… I’m six foot three and…
 
INTERVIEWER: Did you say she was twenty-three again?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh fuck…
 
INTERVIEWER: Is that Madison, sitting over there?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, that’s her. Hi, pumpkin!
 
INTERVIEWER: Is, uh, Madison… Is she a real human being?
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: You can see her, can’t you?
 
INTERVIEWER: I see a mannequin… A strange, cobbled together mannequin whose parts don’t really go together. 
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: (Hisses) Don’t say that. You’re gonna give her an eating disorder or something.
 
INTERVIEWER: Sorry. I didn’t mean to…
 
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’ve gotta plan a second twenty-fourth birthday party…. Madison! Let’s go, dear.
 
MADISON: Did you forget my fucking birthday? Did you EVER forget your first daughter’s birthday? Ever? 
IBR MERCH
Comments

    About

    The only business news in the universe that matters.

    Archives

    April 2025
    March 2025
    February 2025
    January 2025
    December 2024
    October 2024
    August 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    January 2023
    November 2022
    October 2022
    August 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    March 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR