Email etiquette is a constant debate, even among seasoned professionals, who disagree on what salutations to use, appropriate signoffs, and generally how formal or informal you should be in an electronic communication. But did you know there are some career-ending emails you send without even realizing it?
As part of its educational series on how to succeed in your career, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals three emails you sent that probably got you fired:
EMAIL ONE, SENT SATURDAY, 4:07 A.M.
FROM: Dirk Lansbury
TO: All faculty and staff at Trenton Elementary School
SUBJECT: EMERGENCY TURD ALERT
Hey motherfuckerzzzzz…… What up? It’s fucking four am and I’m still fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!! You all hozzzzzzzz. Fuck it. Fuck it. Whoops, just pooped in the cafeteria. Guess who ur gonna ask to clean that up?
EMAIL TWO, SENT WEDNESDAY, 3:03 A.M.
FROM: Phillip Turner
TO: All current patients
SUBJECT: Open wide
Hitting send to all you dumb fucks. Yeah, I’m drunk. So what? Please open your mouth super wide. Come on, do it. Is it open?
Pffffffff…. That’s my farts.
Phillip Turner MD
Head of Proctology
University Medical Center
EMAIL THREE, SENT MONDAY, 1:45 A.M.
FROM: Jacqueline Mondorf
TO: Brent Tuttles
SUBJECT: I just burned down your house
Hope ur vacation is going good. Everyone back at the office feels like it’s vacation for them too cause ur sorry ass isn’t here to boss them all around. Drinkin all day and smoking dope. Am I breakin the rulzzzz? Sorry.
Also, I just burnt down ur house, motherfucker.
We interview an anonymous billionaire who lets us in on the latest trend: wealthy older men see having an arrogant self-centered daughter who has no regard for money or humanity as the ultimate status symbol. Why? Because only really rich guys seem to have those. Read our fascinating conversation below:
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for sitting down with us today. I know your time is very valuable.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Everything about me is valuable.
INTERVIEWER: Good one.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Thanks.
INTERVIEWER: So tell me about your daughter.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: My actual daughter or the bitchy one I adopted?
INTERVIEWER: You have an actual daughter too?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: She wasn’t bitchy enough for you?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She’s into charities and wearing second-hand clothes.
INTERVIEWER: She’s kind of a good person then?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh, totally. She’s the best.
INTERVIEWER: Then why did you feel the need to adopt a second daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I know you wouldn’t understand this, because you’re so poor, but in my circle, most of my peers always talk about how their ridiculously selfish daughters spend their money. I had nothing to add to those conversations.
INTERVIEWER: You couldn’t add the fact that your daughter is philanthropic and not motivated by money?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, again, you don’t get it. If you said something like that everyone would immediately think you were a fake rich person because no real rich people have daughters like that.
INTERVIEWER: But you do…
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I did. I kind of don’t acknowledge my first one anymore.
INTERVIEWER: Why not?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Well, it’s not like she cares about money, and that’s kind of what I have to offer, so, what’s the point?
INTERVIEWER: O.K. that sounds pretty fucked up, but let’s just move on and talk about your new daughter.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, she’s great. I mean, she’s terrible. Which is great.
INTERVIEWER: How is she terrible?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She tells me to fuck off a lot and then I get her a gift, like a sports car or a handbag that costs like a hundred thousand dollars or something. Then she says stuff like, “Oh daddy, I love you so much!”
INTERVIEWER: And that’s a good thing?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, because now I can talk to my friends and commiserate with them.
INTERVIEWER: Because their kids also suck?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, and mine is right up there with them.
INTERVIEWER: How did you meet your new daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She was a college roommate of my daughter.
INTERVIEWER: So, she’s friends with your daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Not anymore! I mean, I disowned my original daughter and adopted the new one. It kind of caused a rift between those two.
INTERVIEWER: I’d think so.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: And now there’s a lot of guilt I have to deal with.
INTERVIEWER: For disowning your daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No, for not adopting my new daughter when she was younger. She always lays a guilt trip on me about that.
INTERVIEWER: Was your new daughter an orphan?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She has biological parents who raised her and sent her to college, where she met my daughter. But I’m richer than they are so she chose me.
INTERVIEWER: How do her parents feel about the situation?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I would say they’re confused. That would be the best way to put it. Since their former daughter (now mine) is like twenty-three, she’s not a dependent anymore, so from their perspective it makes no sense.
INTERVIEWER: Are they benefiting financially in any way? For instance are you paying back college loans for… What is your new daughter’s name?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Madison… Wait, did I say she was twenty-three?
INTERVIEWER: Yes, I think so.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Fuck…
INTERVIEWER: What’s wrong?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s twenty-four. She’s fucking twenty-four! She’s gonna be like, Daddy! You don’t know how old I am? How could you?
INTERVIEWER: Are you sure this is all worth it?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONIARE: I’m going to have to have a party for her or buy her something now. And it’s not gonna be cheap, I can tell you that!
INTERVIEWER: So, what’s next for you?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’m probably going to be picking up an irresponsible son to wrap my Aston Martin around a tree.
INTERVIEWER: I need to ask you a very serious question.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Shoot.
INTERVIEWER: Do you know any of your friends who have done this?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Done what?
INTERVIEWER: Adopted a grown woman to be their bitchy, out of control daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Sure. Lots of them.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I don’t know. Maybe I’m the only one. I’m like a pioneer…
INTERVIEWER: Nobody really does this do they?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. I guess not.
INTERVIEWER: Are you safe?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER: Are you afraid of Madison?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s a five-foot-two, twenty-three-year-old girl… I’m six foot three and…
INTERVIEWER: Did you say she was twenty-three again?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh fuck…
INTERVIEWER: Is that Madison, sitting over there?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, that’s her. Hi, pumpkin!
INTERVIEWER: Is, uh, Madison… Is she a real human being?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: You can see her, can’t you?
INTERVIEWER: I see a mannequin… A strange, cobbled together mannequin whose parts don’t really go together.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: (Hisses) Don’t say that. You’re gonna give her an eating disorder or something.
INTERVIEWER: Sorry. I didn’t mean to…
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’ve gotta plan a second twenty-fourth birthday party…. Madison! Let’s go, dear.
MADISON: Did you forget my fucking birthday? Did you EVER forget your first daughter’s birthday? Ever?
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