Many people don’t understand the Intergalactic Business Report and we receive an overwhelming amount of queries about our practices, motivation, and existence. Today, we share the most common questions and provide answers too. You’re welcome.
Q: Why do you allow writers who clearly have mental problems to have a forum for their paranoia and unhealthy fantasies?
A: Freedom of speech?
Q: Why do so many of your articles quickly devolve into something about sucking dicks?
A: Why do so many of your dates?
Q: Is there any writing talent at all at the Intergalactic Business Report?
A: Talent is a dish best served cold. Also, no.
Q: Why would you call yourselves the “Intergalactic Business Report.” What a dumb as fuck name.
A: Our proofreader says she’s pretty sure “dumb-as-fuck” is hyphenated.
Q: I tried to read one of your articles, but it was so fucking stupid I stopped.
A: And yet you took the time to tell us that.
Q: I am a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist. May I write for your publication?
Q: I go poopie in my pants. I eat Taco Bell.
A: Would you like to write for us?
Q: I am from another universe where the Intergalactic Business Report is the journal of record. Why do so many people in your universe not appreciate it?
A: We’ve been there. Please say hello to King Dick Slapper and give him our regrets that we missed the Royal Feast at Taco Bell.
Q: I can only feel alive if I’m covered in lotion. What am I doing wrong?
A: Remember this is a marathon and not a sprint. Someday it will pay off.
Q: Your memes feature abusive kitty cats and drunk mothers. Could you do something more upbeat?
A: That’s not upbeat?
Q: Not really a question but it’s time to start sucking some dicks.
A: Go for it.
Recently, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey sat down with congress and showed off his new look. It was mostly a super long beard and a nose ring. While Dorsey spoke with Senators about his company and whether they were doing something or other, we focused on the beard.
Now, in what can only be described as the breakthrough interview of 2020, the Intergalactic Business Report brings you the exclusive first interview with the hair attached to Dorsey's face.
INTERVIEWER: This may be an obvious way to start the interview, but where did you come from and why?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Jack and I don’t really communicate that often, so I can only guess on the “why” part. The “where” part is easier.
INTERVIEWER: Let’s start with that then. Where did you come from?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: From Jack Dorsey’s face.
INTERVIEWER: I see. Do you have any theories as to why?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Honestly, it’s a mystery. For so many years I was kept short or even shaved. Then it was like he just let me keep growing.
INTERVIEWER: Why would anyone do that?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: O.K., like I said, I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s one of two things. He either likes the look of Tom Hanks in Castaway, or he was going for the Civil War general thing.
INTERVIEWER: How do you feel about possibly being the main component of a Castaway/Civil War general look?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Pretty terrible. I want people to know this wasn’t my choice. I can’t cut myself. I don’t have arms or hands. I’m pretty much at the mercy of Jack.
INTERVIEWER: And he wants to look like a Civil War general?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I guess.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know.
INTERVIEWER: Explain your own genesis. Was this always his plan?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I’m starting to believe he always had this in the back of his mind. At first, I was just a regular beard. I made him look stupid, maybe like a caveman, but I wasn’t at the point where I made him look insane like a revival preacher in 1889 Kansas.
INTERVIEWER: Of all the looks that could have ever possibly come into style in 2020, would you have guessed Civil War general or Tom Hanks in Castaway?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I have to admit, I fucking hated the whole Van Dyke thing in the 90’s. Fucking hated it. But then you look back and think, “That wasn’t so bad compared to this.”
INTERVIEWER: Any comment on the nose ring?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I guess the nineteenth century beard wasn’t enough?
INTERVIEWER: Enough for what?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I have no idea. Maybe he wanted to make sure nobody thought he was actually from the nineteenth century because even with how horrendous everyone looked back then, they at least didn’t have nose rings?
INTERVIEWER: That would make sense. One last question.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Sure.
INTERVIEWER: Do you blame yourself?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know it’s irrational, but yes, I do. If only I was more peach fuzz or patchier… I don’t know. I could have stopped this.
INTERVIEWER: You know it’s not your fault. You can’t think that.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know. But I can’t help it.
INTERVIEWER: I think you’re brave.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Really?
INTERVIEWER: Think about all the food and body secretions (I’m just guessing) you have to put up with every day. All stuck on you. There’s no way he can wash you properly or give you what you need.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: No. No, he can’t. He doesn’t…
INTERVIEWER: Well, we’re done here. Thanks again.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Wait… Can you cut me?
INTERVIEWER: Like cut you off?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Yes, please. Just cut me off. Light me on fire. I don’t care.
(Editor’s note: Each year, thousands of American men grow Rasputin-style beards to hide their chins, emulate lumberjacks, and fulfill fantasies of being Civil War era generals. While this is currently legal in all states, please remember that beards have no choice. It is estimated that as a group these beards carry more than four thousand pounds of cocaine, feces, and funnel cake debris—all so that a group of men can resemble huge garden gnomes, which is probably a fetish, right? Stop the madness today. Join us at intergalacticbiz.com and celebrate free speech, independent humor, and free beards.)
According to Intergalactic Business Report Supreme Editor Dusty Latouffe, the publication's official online store has learned from its past mistakes and will issue a new line of super hilarious tee shirts that “make sense.”
Harsh criticism over a shirt that stated, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt,” led creative designers at IBR Merch to, “do some serious soul searching” according to Latouffe.
“We thought about what kind of message our Robot Lover shirt sent and we all agreed it didn’t make sense. The joke about tee shirts where they say a certain profession does something that sounds like it’s a sex act but it really isn’t because that’s the joke, was almost totally lost on us.”
He adds that, “In our minds, those shirts were funny because we thought, for example that Virginia was for people who wanted to have random sex, and that Nike was asking people to fuck things. Obviously, we were off on that.”
IBR Merch’s new line of shirts are designed to actually make sense this time by using double entendres and totally funny but sensitive references to what people do for a living.
“There’s no way people aren’t going to get these new tees,” Latouffe promises. “Get ready to laugh and start buying all our clothes.”
The new line of tee shirts will feature the following zany riffs:
“Pirates do it in the booty.”
“Dentists do it in your mouth.”
“Financial advisors fuck you in your assets.”
“Farmers do it with chickens.”
“Your mom does it with your dad.”
“Proctologists do it in your BUTT.”
“Podiatrists do it in your BUTT.”
“Teachers do it with custodians.”
“Construction workers do it in porta johns.”
“Loggers do it with holes in trees.”
“Engineers do it with Star Wars dolls.”
“Sex workers do it for money.”
“Actors do it for the possibility to maybe work with an important producer.”
“Low self-esteem people do it so you’ll like them.”
Visit ibrmerch.com for more.
IBR Merch, the official store of the Intergalactic Business Report, has removed another controversial item from its wildly popular online site. We answer all your questions about the event.
Which tee shirt was pulled?
IBR Merch removed a tee shirt from its “robot love” collection. The shirt stated, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt.”
What was so bad about the tee shirt?
People complained that it made no sense and was “weird.” They also seemed to have an immediate negative reaction to the idea of a robot lover and also to the suggestion of anal sex.
What is a “robot lover” anyway?
We feel it could be either a robot who is in love, a robot who has sex with you, a person who pretends to be a robot while he has sex with you, or probably that last one.
Why would someone pretend to be a robot while having sex with people?
Why would you pretend to be a person while you have sex with a robot, is the better question.
Why was the “B” in “Butt” capitalized?
Why is the whatever in your name capitalized? Same reason.
Can I still buy one if I really want it?
Contact us at email@example.com and we will sell it to you because we made a pledge a long time ago that if it’s about money we will find a way to do it.
Do Robot Lovers really do it in the Butt?
What are the sales of the Robot Lovers do it in the Butt tee shirt?
Zero so far, but you could be the first one.
Why would anyone wear a shirt that says, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt”?
To show pride.
I don’t get it. I could see something like, “Pirates do it in the booty” because that would be an actual play on words. The Robot Lovers thing doesn’t make any sense.
Thank you for the idea. We will make that shirt now.
Should I be pretending to be a robot when I have sex?
It’s up to you but yeah, probably.
There’s something wrong with you, right?
Did you think this article would actually get people to buy a shirt that says, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt” with a capital “B”?
In retrospect, was that a bad idea?
Yes, but not worse than any of our other promotional ideas.
Is this finally over?
Is it now?
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