Tate bros left off Forbes Richest list and I call bullshit. By Ed Mountaineer.

Top Gs Andrew and Tristan Tate have once again been left off the Forbes Magazine list of richest people on the planet and Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer is enraged. Below he explains what he believes is the conspiracy behind the unforgiveable omission. 


Dear readers:
 
If you know me, you know I have a lot of celebrity relationships with people like Ryan Reynolds and Mark Wahlberg. I know. It’s a big deal. I’m a big deal. But that’s not why I’m writing this article today. Today I am here to tell you about one of the most egregious wrongdoings in the history of rankings, lists, and journalism in general. 
 
Recently, Forbes Magazine published its list of wealthiest humans in the world and though I stopped reading at like number 745, I noticed something that will probably irk me for eternity. As I scrolled through page after page of lame ass billionaires I’d never heard of, I grew a small boner of anticipation knowing I would soon read the names of two pecunious dynamos I admire from afar and whose lifestyle I feel is closest to mine in every sense except the money part. And maybe the getting women part too. And also the thing where they take their shirts off a lot. Actually I do that too. But more so I can feel skin on skin when I’m on public transportation. It doesn’t matter. 
 
Anyway, if you don’t know who I’m talking about, then you’re a fucking asshole. Tristan and Andrew Tate are two brothers who live in Romania, are rich as shit, and self-proclaimed “Top Gs,” which is the only way to describe the most badass motherfuckers in the galaxy. They take what they want, drive what they want, and post a ton of shit on social media because they can and everybody watches it because they wish they could be them. Everybody. Even babies and pets. Let me put it this way—your mom would have sex with these dudes and pay for it. And she’d probably even make them ham sandwiches afterwards. And cut the crust off.
 
The Tates drive cars that are like five million dollars and they call millionaires “broke.” That’s right broke motherfuckers! You heard me. You think you’re rich if you have millions of dollars? You’re broke. Surprise. 
 
Anyway, I watch a lot of Andrew and Tristan and it’s like they are speaking to me when they’re talking into the camera. Sometimes it’s tough love when they start telling me what a fucking moron I am for playing video games or whacking off to porn. And they’re right! I’m such a fucking dickhead! AAAAAGHHH. I’m fucking jacking off as I write this and I feel like a shitty person. AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH. O.K. I’m done.
 
The Tates live in an Eastern European mansion where hot chicks come and go and where Top G business is conducted—basically shit where you sit in a “war room” and have “emergency meetings” and then get in your super car and fucking drive while someone films  you driving. In my own life, I have a “living room” where I have “emergency whack off sessions” and then I get on public transportation and take my shirt off till the bus driver tells me I “need to get off” and I usually make a joke like, O.K., you want me to “get off”? and that’s why there’s a picture of me that’s sent to all bus drivers and it says something like don’t let this guy on your bus. I’m just guessing, but I’m pretty sure it must say that judging by the way I’m treated when I try to get on a bus. 
 
Forbes. Why the fuck aren’t the Tates on your list? Is it because they’re in Romania and Romanian money isn’t as good as YOUR money? Is that it? I’ll be honest, when I look through your list all I see are names that look made up. Who the fuck is Ben Chestnut? A pornstar? How about Tony Tamer? Fake name much? Yeah, I thought so. 
 
Overall, I feel I’ve totally busted Forbes and that this is the kind of journalism that should win me some kind of award like a Pulitzer or an AVN. I fully expect the Tate bros to be on your list next year and a groveling apology to be issued in the meanwhile.
 
I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
 
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.

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