 When you’re at work, you want to be the best fake person you can possibly be. But all too often you unwittingly fail by committing any of these ten errors in presenting yourself to your colleagues, bosses, or clients. To help get your fakeness back on track, the Intergalactic Business Report uncovers what you’re doing that’s holding you back. Change these today or have your job go away. ERROR ONE: You hold four-hour-long séances in the break room where you try to contact the ghost of the sandwich you ate last week. ERROR TWO: When your boss asks you if you have a report ready, you pull out your penis, look down, and say, “Yes. It’s ready.” ERROR THREE: You hide in coat closets and then hand people their coats when they’re ready to leave. When Janice forgot to grab her coat one Friday, you spent the weekend in there, waiting… ERROR FOUR: At the office Halloween party, you fill your pants with apples and try to hold a bobbing contest. ERROR FIVE: Every time Brett from accounting asks for your receipts, you start speaking a fake, offensive, Chinese-sounding language until he just walks away. ERROR SIX: You consider your scrotum a pet and let it out on “bring your pet to the office” day. ERROR SEVEN: You adore Steve from sales so much that you announce to everyone that you’re formally adopting him, even though he’s older than you and has complained to HR that you keep appearing in the back seat of his car. You continue on with the adoption process anyway. ERROR EIGHT: People aren’t allowed in the bathroom unless they can answer one of your riddles or wrestle you down. And you don’t even know the answers to your riddles anymore because you ran out of good ones and just make stuff up now like: “What’s bigger than a breadbox but also exactly the same size as a breadbox?” ERROR NINE: You call emergency meetings and when everyone gets there you just ask, “Who’s ready to jam?” And then you wait… ERROR TEN: You’ve decided that you will speak Klingon and that everyone needs to adapt to this change. Only you don’t speak Klingon and when some IT guys try to speak it to you, you just have to grunt and kind of pretend you agree with whatever they’re saying.  Dear Job Hunters: As a top executive at a major U.S. company, I want to give you some crucial insights into what people like me look for in a résumé. How closely you read this could make or break your job search. First, a little about me. I am an important person not only in my company, but also my community. If you were to see me driving around my neighborhood, you’d probably say something like, “Wow, that guy has an expensive car.” That’s because I use money my company pays me to buy expensive cars. I also have a pretty gigantic house. So, I have those two things that are pretty impressive. Back to your résumé. As the headline attests, I have reviewed more than 20,000 of these and found some horrible errors in them. These include formatting and typos. To be more specific, I found that some spacing was off and that some words were misspelled, which is a clear sign that whoever prepared the document will make a poor employee. I believe the most important part of my job is to find tiny mistakes made by people I don’t even know and then to extrapolate those in order to make broad judgments about their character and ability. I pretty much spend all my time doing this because, as an executive, I am more effective as someone who points things out rather than someone who actually does things. You may not know this, but top executives like me have risen to the high levels we enjoy because we have an innate ability to find trivial faults with everyone besides ourselves. This is something you should be working on too, if you want to succeed and advance quickly. One way to show someone like me that you have this potential is to add the following kinds of details to your résumé: Work experience: Account Executive, Creative Juices Advertising Agency. In this role, I found more copy errors than anyone on my team. I was able to point out obscure ways that people had fucked up and bring these revelations to upper management, which demoted, laid off, suspended, or fired the perpetrators. Or: Relevant experience: Assistant Manager, sales, Boondoggle Corporation. I sucked my supervisor’s dick and I will suck yours too. Those were two actual excerpts from job applicants I hired on the spot. Notice how both talked about their applicable skills and how these each led to a quantifiable result. In the first case, the errors the candidate found in her colleagues’ work led to those colleagues getting totally fucked by management. In the second example, the candidate clearly stated he would suck my cock. When I read a résumé like that, I know that if I hire that person, he will suck my dick, probably on the first day. Hired. Some final words of advice. Job hunting is tough work. It’s like a job. It’s like sucking a dick but not getting paid for it. But it’s also a rewarding way to challenge yourself to become your best you, which is someone who gets paid to point out other people's mistakes and, yes, even suck a little dick sometimes. Think about not only how you’ll benefit from a new job, but how your boss, someone like me, will. Think about my ginormous house and my sick sports car. Those should be incentive enough for you to avoid typos and formatting mistakes. Thanks, and good luck! Name redacted* *Stan Berkeshirehammer asked that his name be redacted (whatever that means) from this piece. We honored that request.  You want more money. You deserve more money. Or at least you want more money. So you walk into your boss’s office and give him your pitch. Unfortunately, he’s heard it all before and you are painfully ill-prepared to change his mind. Lucky for you, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you this exclusive advice on how to boss your boss. These five tactics will put you in charge. Welcome to the executive suite. TACTIC ONE: “Hanging Brains.” HOW IT WORKS: Before you meet with your boss, take your testicles out of your pants. Then “hang” them outside your zipper area and close your fly enough to leave them out. Enter your boss’s office and don’t sit down as you speak to him. Pace around a little to let your nuts shake and get some air. As your boss notices your hanging, swinging, nut sack, he will be distracted as you run through your new salary and benefits numbers. Although this technique remains untested, we strongly believe your boss will simply nod his head and agree to all your demands as he becomes mesmerized by the Cuckoo Clock balls that bounce around before him.* TACTIC TWO: Trick your boss into a sexual harassment situation. HOW IT WORKS: Simply start saying very loudly, “No, I won’t suck your dick for a dollar!” so that the whole office can hear. Your boss has two choices at this point. Either to up the price for you sucking his dick to something more reasonable, or to promote you. Congratulations. You've either made between 5 to 7 dollars (the going rate for fellatio in an office) or you’ve made Vice President. TACTIC THREE: Insinuate that you may have filmed your boss doing something illegal. HOW IT WORKS: After speaking for a few minutes about where you see yourself in the next five years, just turn and look at your boss knowingly and repeat this line: “Marvin, let’s cut the shit. I have film of you doing you know what.” If your boss says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” then just start laughing and say, “Marv. Let’s get real. For fifty grand I can make this go away.” If he still says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about then you’ve gambled incorrectly and you should just say, “Sorry. Let’s move on,” and go back to discussing your new salary. TACTIC FOUR: Suggest you’ve kidnapped a member of your boss’s family. HOW IT WORKS: Please note that you should never say directly that you’ve kidnapped someone or name a name because that would be illegal. Instead, just say something like, “You know what, Marvin? Your wife is really pretty. It would be a shame if someone abducted her and held her till you did the right thing and gave me a fucking pay raise.” TACTIC FIVE: Offer to suck his dick for free on a one-time basis. HOW IT WORKS: Instead of going for the typical five to seven dollar rate, just say you’ll do it for free, but only once. Then explain that if you ever do it again, it will cost him a dollar more, each time, till you reach seven dollars. *If you do try this technique, please drop us a line and tell us how it went. |
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