 One on ones. Performance reviews. Check ins. Whenever you sit down with your boss to discuss your shortcomings, you feel a sudden dread as you are judged and set on a new course of “self-improvement.” It’s part of work and life, but it could also be something much more dangerous.
In an ambiguous employment cycle, workers are remaining at problematic jobs regardless of the negative aspects. While we understand this strategy, the Intergalactic Business Report sends a warning about when enough may be finally enough. Next time you meet with your boss, clock these behaviors, and prepare to run. If your manager does this, it’s time to run. 1. Looks at you with one eye while the other eye pops out and creeps into your pants to take a look around. 2. Keeps reaching under her desk, clicking something, and then saying: “You ready, Ruben?” and your name isn’t Ruben. 3. Asks you to become “blood brothers” with him. 4. Leaves the room and comes back as another person. 5. Has a bat on his shoulder, like a parrot, and it squeals your words back at you. 6. Won’t let go of your hand until she is assured you can get her doll back and you see your co-worker, Bruce, silent and dressed up like a doll in the corner of the room. 7. Brings in a troll with a riddle you must answer to leave the office. 8. Insists the meeting take place in your car and he’s in the back seat while you drive. 9. Asks you to play a word association game and he starts with “penis pump.” 10. Can’t stop making comparisons between you and his dead girlfriend who you’re pretty sure died in the 18th century because he keeps pointing to her picture and it’s a drawing of an 18th century woman with a butter churn.  In a job search, we gravitate toward open positions by title, salary, and location. But if you don’t understand the fine print, you may be missing the full story about office culture, expectations, and the little things that could make work there unbearable.
Even when a job description seems a perfect fit, there can be subtle clues and red flags only seen when you dig deeper. We asked our human resources experts* at the Intergalactic Business Report to weigh in on what to watch out for before you apply. Some of their answers may surprise you. If you see these red flags in a job posting…run. 1. “Fast-paced environment.” This could mean a lot of things, but most likely it describes a frenetic, undisciplined culture where work-life balance is ignored. 2. Anything that says candidates must be “comfortable with being human trafficked or enslaved.” This phrase may seem innocuous but it’s actually telling you that if you take the job, you may be also required to be a sex slave. 3. “Human sacrifice friendly office.” This does NOT mean that employees must make sacrifices for the team. Instead, your new employer may murder you or others to appease primitive demons or gods they serve without question. 4. Watch out for requirements for how much you can fit in your butt or your butt “capacity.” Especially if your butt is smaller or can’t hold a lot. 5. Any job description that states, “full erection required.” 6. Be wary of posts that use language like: “Izz good job. You take it?” or “You do dis? Yes?” 7. A common error for job seekers is to respond to employers seeking “research subjects for realistic movie about serial killers. Must be comfortable with death and dying.” 8. Openly hostile advertisements that state things like, “Fuck you motherfucker,” and “You want this fucking job? Come and take it.” *Drunk people at a bar that also looks like a place where human sacrifices are performed.  A scene from "Butt Money." No movie in post-modern times has united finance bros and those who wish to become them like Martin Scorsese’s Wolf of Wallstreet. A tale of a degenerate drug addict who swindles his way to the top, the film captures the essence of what it would be like to be a degenerate drug addict who swindles his way to the top.
As beloved as the film is, its throngs of followers can only quote it so much, ask people if they’ve seen it so many times, and throw it on when they’re doing coke so many days a week. After a while, it becomes the once super cool, super fun roommate, who’s now ordering a pizza on your credit card and you’re taking a dump and noticing he forgot to buy toilet paper (with your credit card). Add in that Wolf of Wallstreet takes place in a time finance bros cannot even understand, and it becomes evident that a fresh new take on how to be a douchebag is mission critical. With this in mind, the Intergalactic Business Report gives its picks for movies, for our age, that appeal to anyone looking for depictions of shallow people being shallow and also graphic sex, drug use, and how to sell pens. These new movies and documentaries are the “Wolf of Wallstreet” for the social media age. Men in Maybachs. Finance bros Steve and Evan scorch their competition by hustling faster and better than anyone’s seen. They drive the most fire cars, slam the hottest bitches, and drink tequila so expensive, no one’s even heard of the brand. But when their business is threatened by a new rival, the boys must figure out what they even do for a living. Can they define their business beyond gangsta platitudes about slaying hoes and flying private jets? Or will they come up with an intelligent plan for growth and development that shareholders can understand? Tune in to find out, but bet on them just making TikToks about cars and slutty women. Smart boobs. Instapreneur Barbie Chiles takes the world by storm with her close to one billion followers who devotedly watch her try on clothes and travel places they can’t afford. She seems to have it all, until we learn her success comes from her sentient breasts, that were supposed to just be huge and perfectly shaped, but instead control her every move and tell her what to say, do, and believe. With the help of fellow influencer @buttblaster69, she seeks to find the mysterious doctor who installed Bertha and Brenda, her two evil boobs, but will she find him before he completes penis enhancement surgery on the richest man in the world? Screamers. Youtube video game players Michael and Marvin scream harder than anyone else when they compete—or so they thought. A Norwegian “screaming contest,” rooted deep in Scandinavian lore lures the two into betting it all they can win. When they see the competition, Michael and Marvin realize they may not be the most annoying, high-pitched, human monkeys on Earth, as they face the most mentally impaired, loudest, and inexplicably agitated people ever assembled in a Nordic lodge in the middle of nowhere. Will they lose it all, or will they find the strength to be the noisiest imbeciles in the world? Butt money. What if the best place to put your money was your butt? And what if by doing so you could draw about 100% interest? That’s the premise of this whacky feature about how down and out HVAC repairman Derrick Shelbourne’s “money maker” nets him millions in a matter of months. What starts as a bet to see how much stuff he can fit inside his enormous ass, soon becomes a story of friendship, love, and the magic of what we are all like on the inside—of our butts. Drunk and angry Derrick bets his friends that he can shove a number of tools in his rear but when one of them challenges him to stick in a twenty-dollar bill, Derrick finds that when he pulls it out, it’s become a hundred. The more he puts in, the more comes out, till Derrick is rich with ass-tainted moolah, making him an internet sensation whose catch phrase is, “Time to open the safe.” When persnickety banker Myron Beetleneck sees Derrick’s Instagram feed, will he ruin the “butt saving account” or will he steal it for his own purposes? Elon Musk says there’s no need to save for retirement, so here’s my plan. By Ed Mountaineer.5/2/2026  There are days in your life when everything changes. When something hits you and alters your future and how you understand it. Very often, this is because of drugs that get into your system and create a different vision of what is in front of you and what you just did. If you don’t count alcohol as a drug this can also happen when you drink alcohol. Anyway, I had something take place the other day that did all that without drugs or alcohol. That something was Elon Musk.
Elon told me through a newspaper or meme or whatever that it was totally unnecessary to save for retirement because AI would make everything so bountiful that each human being could have a penthouse apartment and a Maybach if he wanted. Money, I think he said, would be obsolete because all would be provided through robots and algorithms and computers or something something. That was all I needed to hear. To say my life has changed because of this advice would be the kind of understatement someone would make if he were trying to downplay a matter of real importance by making it sound like it wasn’t that big of a deal. Because of Elon, my worries about retirement (and almost everything else) have been wiped out. Also wiped out? My retirement account. That’s right. I immediately withdrew everything I had in my 401K. I took a huge penalty for taking it out early, but who cares because money won’t be real soon. In the meanwhile, I will spend everything I can as I wait for the awesome future promised to me. I also got rid of some other “future things” I won’t be needing. I had an emergency supply of food and water I stupidly stored in a safe place in case of an emergency. I poured out the water and opened all the cans. Now they’re sitting there, in my basement, just open and rotting away, the same way our concept of money will soon be. Also, it isn’t my basement, so my neighbor was pissed. First because I destroyed his useless food supply. But also because I broke into his basement. Even as he threatens and gesticulates, I can only think about how my other neighbors will feel when I destroy all their shit and they get furious before coming to understand it didn’t matter because we will all soon live in abundance. One other thing. I don’t live in Iowa, where I found the basement. And it is a stretch to say any of these people are my “neighbors.” It is also a stretch to say I had a 401k plan, since I don’t have a normal “job” and the professions I have held are always in “quotations.” For example, “animal trainer,” “tax collector,” “hostage negotiator,” and “Target employee.” So when I say I drained my 401K account, I should have said that I drained my “401K account.” There is a fable with animals where one of them saves and saves and saves and the other one just sits there and fucks around. I think they are rabbits, but that doesn’t really matter. In the end, a flood comes and wipes everyone out, but the rabbit who just sat there and did nothing floats away on a plank and just grabs food that other rabbits once saved but is now just out there, on the water. The moral, of course, is fuck the responsible rabbits. In the Elon version of this tale, the flood doesn’t come but robots do and they deliver uber eats to everyone so the lazy rabbit is on equal terms with all the others and in another generation, no one can tell the difference between who’s a total piece of shit and who’s not. That’s what I’m hoping for. Imagine a day when whatever you do, no matter how hard you work, and no matter how few drugs you do, you are exactly the same status as me. And also that you feel attracted to me because you can’t tell I am a “dangerous” person to be around. Imagine Ryan Reynolds living in the same mansion, having the same smug, entitled look, but guess what? His new neighbor is Ed Moutaineer and he has to invite him over and become best friends (possibly with benefits, but Ed turns him down because he’s already dating a non-Canadian woman). What a world it will be. I guess I’m done writing now. Good bye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  At the Intergalactic Business Report corporate office, we’ve initiated an “AI friendly” culture in which we use artificial intelligence to guide our decision making and strategy. So far, it’s working great. Just ask our AI. Without boring you with the detailed (and proprietary) questions we asked, we share some of the top responses we received this week.
RESPONSE ONE: Alright—this is less about nutrition and more about a broken emotional contract with Taco Bell. You’re not just going there for food—you’re going there for a very specific experience: the Meximelt. And they killed it. So every visit now starts with disappointment and ends with “this isn’t what I came for.” You don’t feel sad because of Taco Bell. You feel sad because the one thing you loved there is gone—and you haven’t replaced it yet. That’s a different problem. RESPONSE TWO: Clowns absolutely form groups—but they’re performance communities, not criminal networks. “Clown gangs” are mostly a mix of urban myth, media influence, and a few isolated weird incidents, not a real phenomenon. RESPONSE THREE: Short answer: there’s no reliable, safe way to permanently increase penis size with a “tool.” RESPONSE FOUR: No—that’s not normal, and it’s a pretty big red flag. Why this is a problem:
If this is tied to a workplace, it’s not just “weird culture”—it’s potentially abusive. You’re well within reason to avoid it, leave early, or document what’s happening. If this is something you’re being asked to attend, I’d take it seriously and consider protecting yourself—happy to talk through options depending on the situation. RESPONSE FIVE: Short answer: no—there isn’t a way to hire someone to teach you to fly like a bird. Humans just aren’t built for powered, flapping flight. RESPONSE SIX: 🥊 The fight
RESPONSE SEVEN: Short answer: there’s no real evidence that Ryan Reynolds is secretly “evil.” RESPONSE EIGHT: No—ordering a “Chalupa with extra cheese” at Taco Bell is just… ordering a chalupa with extra cheese. There isn’t any widely recognized secret code or hidden meaning behind that phrase. Fast-food places don’t really operate with “wink-wink” coded menu language like that—employees are just trying to get orders right and move the line. RESPONSE NINE: You’ll just get a chalupa… maybe with extra cheese, maybe with a slightly confused look. At Taco Bell:
 When the news reports that oil prices have surged to a hundred dollars a barrel, consumers clutch their pearls and shudder, but very few of them know what oil prices, let alone barrels of oil, mean. We try to dispel the misconceptions, misunderstandings, and misgivings you may have when it comes to the oil industry and explain, in layman’s terms, how it all works. The good news? You don’t have as much to worry about as you think.
The origins of the oil industry. For centuries, the world didn’t care about petroleum and its byproducts and ran entire industries with the use of coal, steam, and horses. This changed with the discovery that refined oil could be used as cheap fuel that was far more efficient and plentiful than other energy sources. An industry was born and it has been chugging along ever since. What is a “barrel” of oil? A barrel is a container in which oil, or other things, can be put inside. You’ve probably seen barrels many times in your life. For instance, Cracker Barrel features a barrel that has nothing to do with oil. Another kind of barrel is the wine barrel, often called a “cask.” Some people may even remember the children’s game, “Barrel of Monkeys,” in which kids opened a plastic barrel with a lot of plastic monkeys inside and would see how many of them they could connect together. This kind of barrel is not what oil is contained in. One way to think of it is that an actual barrel of oil is not exactly what you may think it is. It’s large and it contains oil, but when someone says “barrel of oil” it’s really just a way to measure the volume of oil. If you measured a barrel of oil in milliliters, centiliters, liters, or even gallons, you would stop thinking in terms of “barrels” and start thinking in terms of standard measurement units for volume. One more barrel reference before we move on. Many Americans used to use the term “barrel of laughs,” as in, “you’re a barrel of laughs.” This meant that someone was VERY funny. Sometimes this was used sarcastically. Nonetheless, the term “barrel” meant a lot of something. In this case, laughs. By now, we hope you get the idea about what a barrel is. What is refined oil? We’ve covered what the container for oil is, but let’s talk a bit further about the oil itself. Oil is a substance that we drill for and extract from the ground, but it can also be substances we don’t drill for and extract out of the ground. Confused? Don’t worry. Most people are. The term “oil” can pertain to things like olive oil, avocado oil, and even “oil of Olay,” which women spread on their bodies. Speaking of bodies, bodies create their own oil. Ever heard someone say that you have “oily” skin? That’s a kind of oil too. But it’s on your face. Unfortunately, the oils you buy in the grocery store or that come from your face cannot be used for fuel—at least not in the way refined petroleum is. Imagine going to a gas station and hooking up a pump to your face or pouring a bottle of canola oil into your gas tank. (Spoiler: it doesn’t work.) When we talk about oil in the oil industry, we mean “refined” oil. But what does that mean? Start with the word “refine.” We think of people who are refined as those who are incredibly composed, worldly, and tasteful. Refined oil is worldly—it moves all over the world. And refined oil is composed (of oil). But refined oil is not something to taste. This is perhaps the major difference between refined people and refined oil. A side note. Someone just asked what if you filled up the barrel of monkeys barrel with refined oil. Yes. You could do that, but it would be a much smaller barrel than the ones used in commerce. Also, you couldn’t really fill it to the top because the barrel separates in the middle, making a mess unless it’s filled with plastic monkeys. Good question though. Other kinds of oil. Before we forget, there’s also baby oil and lube. Those are two very similar things. But they do not come in barrels. Unless you’re P-Diddy! Hahahahahahaha. Sorry! Had to do it, right? Hahahaha. Back to “What is refined oil”? To elaborate further, oil is not what you think and the same goes for barrels. Nothing, in fact, is what it seems, right? Sometimes you see someone from a distance, and you say, Hey, that woman is beautiful, but when she gets up close you realize she’s not and she’s a dude and not a beautiful one but now you’ve made eye contact so you have to sleep with him if he offers. Oil fuels the world and when prices rise it means that costs for things like gas (at a gas station) and gas for your lawn mower or something (also obtained at a gas station) will also rise. Think of it this way—let’s say you sell lemonade, and you charge 35 cents a glass. The lemons you use cost about 15 cents a glass and the sugar costs another 10 cents. That gives you a profit of 10 cents a glass. Now imagine that lemon or sugar prices rise. Now that lemon costs 25 cents and if you keep charging 35 cents a glass, you’re making no profit. So, you raise the price to 45 cents a glass and people are mad at you but they have to keep buying the lemonade because, let’s just say in this scenario, if they don’t they’ll die or something. Like maybe the lemonade keeps them living and if they don’t drink it, they disintegrate. That’s kind of like oil. Only you don’t drink oil (see above). Now imagine that lemons come in barrels. So instead of buying a lemon at 25 cents, you buy a barrel of lemons at whatever price that would be. Now you’re looking at a pretty huge price for lemons. This is, essentially, how the oil industry works. Oh, and imagine that lemons were extracted out of the ground and needed to be refined. That’s even closer to reality. Where does this all leave you, the consumer? You may feel at the mercy of the oil industry and as if you are forced to pay for a product that if you don’t pay for it you can’t go anywhere, hold a job probably, or in many cases, get food, unless you pay someone to deliver it and they use their own gas (refined oil). If you feel that way, you are correct. The future of oil. Predicting the future of oil is very difficult because the future is difficult to predict. For instance, in yesteryear, people would consult crystal balls and oracles in attempts to see what would happen before they happened. This probably didn’t ever work unless they just guessed and were really lucky. An example: A “soothsayer” looks at a crystal ball and thinks he kind of saw something and then he just elaborates on that, saying something like, "I think I’m seeing a dragon and that’s a bad sign, so everyone should stay inside this week." Later, a dragon comes by and is looking to eat the villagers but they’re all inside and it leaves. Everyone’s like “Hey, Brent is really good at that crystal ball thing” and even he starts thinking it’s working, until, of course, next time he looks at it he thinks he sees a snow storm and everyone stops farming and they lose all their crops because they thought there would be a snowstorm, so they publicly execute Brent in a way that disgusts them but they do it any way, out of tradition. Conclusion. Oil is a fickle mistress. We think that says it all. Also, we are done writing now. Goodbye.  As NYU business professor/social media personality/political activist Scott Galloway denounces the Trump administration for fascism akin to Nazi Germany, he’s announced a personal boycott of all companies he feels are both tacitly and overtly supporting it. He’s asking you to do the same.
As he broadcasts from his shelter in the U.K., where he’s lived since 2022, he calls upon U.S. citizens to cancel subscriptions to their most comforting sites and services in order to bring the country to its knees and retroactively stop Hitler? Or at least that’s what we’re getting from all this. (Full disclosure, we failed college business and Scott’s cool professor lectures seem super cool—till you realize you may have to drop his class because all the people around you are nodding their heads and grinning and you’re thinking about Thirsty Thursday). Scott, who gives other super cool advice, like that young people should get more drunk and make bad decisions, is the kind of voice the Intergalactic Business Report admires, mostly for that one idea, although we think it should also apply to adults, and maybe start tonight. As the “February Freeze” sinks in, we help Scott by identifying other things he (and you) can boycott right now to stop the descent into fascism, at least until the opposing political party is elected again and the fascism disappears overnight and everybody’s saying it’s a new day and Fleetwood Mac is there. Until then, fight, resist, and harry on by boycotting these overlooked things: What else Scott Galloway should boycott to end American fascism: Using his right hand to jerk off. This will prevent him from watching porn that inadvertently supports the Trump administration by providing soothing masturbation materials to the public, leaving them satiated while fascism settles in. By “freezing” his jerk off hand, he will finally end the fascist grip on his penis, which seeks to control him and us by stoking (or is it stroking?) fears about immigration, foreigners, and what it would be like if your step sister was really hot and she was into you and having sex with her wouldn’t destroy your entire family. His deadpan, monotone voice. This will be replaced by a whackier, high-pitched tone and will end with a Loony Tunes, Porky Pig “That’s all folks!” to signify he’s done speaking—for now. Loony Tunes. In direct conflict with the above, all Loony Tunes characters will be banned from Scott’s mind, because they support fascism by sitting idly by while it consumes America. Also, there’s probably an old cartoon of them with Charles Lindbergh. Astroglide. Scott’s sexual experiences will not only be devoid of his right hand (see above) but there will also be no lubricant involved, punishing both him and his partners, but reminding them stroke by stroke of how fascism really feels. Toilet paper. This measure will give his right hand something to do since it can no longer be used to jerk off. No toilet paper will also be a constant reminder that fascism stinks. And is messy. And you can’t get the smell of it off you once you wipe it on your hand. Grindr. Even if you’re not gay or into random hookups, how can anyone sit idly by boning people at rest tops or train bathrooms while Trump ruins America? Taco Bell. Wipe that fucking mild sauce off your mouth and pull out that Chalupa. From now on, you will only eat tacos from food trucks run by undocumented citizens. U.F.Os. Space aliens are just going to sit there and do nothing? Just like they did with Hitler? Scott will stop watching episodes of Project U.F.O, Ancient Aliens, and officially denounce E.T. as a collaborator. Underwear. How can you just sit there, in your underwear, while Trump ruins America? Inveighing against tech companies for “getting all of us to hate each other” while trying to get everyone to hate each other. On second thought, let’s keep that one. Entertainment that makes us laugh. How can you just sit idly by and laugh as fascism overtakes the United States? All Scott’s entertainment will now be Ingmar Bergman films, World War Two footage of Hitler, and the Finnish version of “The Office.” Also, the Intergalactic Business Report.  As a business magazine, the Intergalactic Business Report cares for the people everyone hates—the CEOs, the ad people, the bankers, and Crypto assholes.
This year, we promise to refocus and give them the hope and, yes, love they probably don’t deserve but could pay for if paying for that becomes possible, like through a robot who strokes them off, a service where people pretend to like you, or mail order companions. You get it. What we’re saying is that if you are of those rarest of human beings who feel they are above all others because they know where to buy “real” hummus, who actively seek opportunities to take their shirts off in public, or have a personalized license plate that reads: CLOSER, we are your source for information and entertainment. We’re not done yet though. If you’re someone who finds ways to use the number 69 to express yourself; if you feel the ChatGPT prompts you developed are a “force multiplier”; or if you have a story about where you tipped a waitress 110%, you should be reading this, as well as all the other crap we tirelessly churn out. You’re not going to find a more unapologetic take on what’s most important in this life and this world—money and power. We tell you about the lifestyle you want and talk to business icons you have no chance of ever meeting in real life. Whether you’re aspirational or feel like you’ve already made it, just know this: we care about you. We care about you reading this. A lot. Unlike others, we don’t think you’re a douchebag. And we think it’s cool you bought that two-thousand-dollar bottle of tequila. In the darkness of reality, we are like your personal black light, that shows where all the jizz is in your hotel room, and, yes, in your life. So let us into your life and start calling us Bruv. We’ll act like that’s cool—because it is. Right? We are here for you and hope to be a companion on your journey to success. If you use what we tell you, it’s almost guaranteed you can become a billionaire. It’s all here, waiting. Very Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report  If you’ve ever walked into a convenience or grocery store and seen what looks like an impossible price for a product, you may have been identified as a “dipshit” by marketers. With new coding technology, some businesses have been able to alter prices instantly as they see certain consumers approach their goods, making millions in profits by targeting those their algorithm deems simpletons or unable to control their purchasing impulses. Below, we tell you how it works.
Instantaneous bar recoding tech gives sellers a new edge. While bar codes appear permanent enough, a new electronic paper system allows retailers to update prices not only on the code but on the listed price as well. This means that, from a distant computer, businesses can update their inventory without pulling off pricing stickers. Instead, they are able to alter the ink itself to reflect a totally new code and price. Sounds impossible? A senior marketing director told us that, “Ink and paper technology has reached a new age in which it almost appears we’re doing magic. But we’re not. If you pay for the right coding system, you can change what consumers see almost instantly.” Instantaneous bar recoding (IBR), as it is called by the industry, goes a step further. IBR, creates consumer profiles based on facial recognition and other factors to alter pricing as a person nears a product in a store. For instance, candy prices may be lowered automatically when children get near a row of Kit Kat bars. On the opposite end, when susceptible, mentally weak adults, or “dipshits” as marketers crudely call them, see a product they like, the price may hike dramatically. As an example, a twenty-something man may enter a city grocery store to buy beer. Scanners rate him for mental acuity and awareness and give him a low score. Then he sees a case of Sapporo beer, which the algorithm has determined is his favorite. The price instantly goes up to $45.99, which is bordering on the outrageous. The “dipshit” then goes into a state of shock and questions the price but still considers buying the beer because that’s how marketing works. The aftermath of “dipshit” identification. In the hypothetical story about the Sapporo beer, the consumer who paused and pondered the pricing was identified in the marketing system as someone perplexed by the price but also captured by the power of suggestion. While he may not be weak enough to actually buy the beer, he now is fixated on the idea of it and his purchasing behavior changes as he sees Sapporo as more valuable than it actually is. “Why,” he asks himself, “Is Sapporo more expensive here than anything else?” And it is precisely then that instantaneous bar recoding works. This consumer now puts the product at a premium in his mind, and it sticks there. He will always pay more for Sapporo, so the theory goes. He also contacts friends and relatives, who may also be potential “dipshits” and infects them with his story about the unusual pricing. They join him in valuing Sapporo at a higher level. They begin to wonder whether the world is “running out” of Sapporo and if they should start buying it now before it’s all gone. Finally, the consumer is placed in a database of other “dipshits” whose prices change whenever they enter a store using the technology. The future of instantaneous bar recoding. For now, IBR is limited to Sapporo beer and a few other items, like sardines, some brands of penis pumps, and beef. But marketers expect its use to grow quickly as businesses catch on to the potential. If you feel you’ve been put into a “dipshit” database and would like to understand your rights and responsibilities, contact us at [email protected].   As Gary Indiana submitted its proposal for the new Chicago Bears stadium, other cities, some of them not even in the state of Illinois, submitted theirs too. We share the ones we feel are top contenders, and evaluate the pros, cons, and possibilities. Arlington Heights: Bearadise. Projected cost: $2-5 Billion (with $855 Million in public funding). Capacity: 60-65,000. Pitch: “A mixed use entertainment district anchored by a state-of-the-art NFL stadium.” Architectural style: Fixed-roof NFL style stadium. Pros: Metra access, $10 Billion economic impact. The Bears already purchased the property for $197 Million. Cons: $855 Million in public funding for infrastructure such as roads. High property taxes. Myanmar: Supreme Good Stadium of the God of Wealth. Capacity: 750,000. Projected Cost: Free (with slave labor). Pitch: “You do this and you will feel freedom from the fire demons we have summoned.” Architectural style: Football field, surrounded by another, much bigger field that is level with the football field. On the “spectator field” fans just gather, most of them not really understanding that a game is taking place in the central circle. Gunfire and rockets provided for night games. Cons: Fans must fly to Thailand and then be helicoptered into a warzone to see games. Pros: That’s pretty much like going to a Bears game now. Rantoul, Illinois: Rantoul Dome.  Capacity: 250. Projected cost: $450,000. Pitch: “This will be an intimate setting for players if they’re shy and don’t want all that noise. Also, opponents might get weirded out by it and fumble and stuff.” Architectural style: “Large Circus Tent.” Pros: The cost of construction comes in lowest and local strippers will replace cheerleader salaries. Cons: Only 250 tickets may be sold per game because after that, the tent becomes a fire hazard. Rockford, Illinois: Pornhub Stadium.  Capacity: 78,000.
Projected cost: $1.8 Billion. Pitch: “Adults only stadium that will make you come back for more.” Architectural style: Traditional stadium design with private chambers for spectators to whack off in. Cons: Even though the whack off chambers are considered “private” you can still see your neighbors pounding their baloney. 60% of women in focus groups said the whack off chambers would affect their decision to attend games. Pros: For public masturbators, this is a dream come true. Rockford is known as the “Jerk off capital of America” and Pornhub naming rights will cover stadium construction. 40% of women react positively to the whack off chambers. That’s a really good number and would attract the kinds of women Pornhub stadium is looking for. |
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