Recently, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey sat down with congress and showed off his new look. It was mostly a super long beard and a nose ring. While Dorsey spoke with Senators about his company and whether they were doing something or other, we focused on the beard.
Now, in what can only be described as the breakthrough interview of 2020, the Intergalactic Business Report brings you the exclusive first interview with the hair attached to Dorsey's face.
INTERVIEWER: This may be an obvious way to start the interview, but where did you come from and why?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Jack and I don’t really communicate that often, so I can only guess on the “why” part. The “where” part is easier.
INTERVIEWER: Let’s start with that then. Where did you come from?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: From Jack Dorsey’s face.
INTERVIEWER: I see. Do you have any theories as to why?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Honestly, it’s a mystery. For so many years I was kept short or even shaved. Then it was like he just let me keep growing.
INTERVIEWER: Why would anyone do that?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: O.K., like I said, I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s one of two things. He either likes the look of Tom Hanks in Castaway, or he was going for the Civil War general thing.
INTERVIEWER: How do you feel about possibly being the main component of a Castaway/Civil War general look?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Pretty terrible. I want people to know this wasn’t my choice. I can’t cut myself. I don’t have arms or hands. I’m pretty much at the mercy of Jack.
INTERVIEWER: And he wants to look like a Civil War general?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I guess.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know.
INTERVIEWER: Explain your own genesis. Was this always his plan?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I’m starting to believe he always had this in the back of his mind. At first, I was just a regular beard. I made him look stupid, maybe like a caveman, but I wasn’t at the point where I made him look insane like a revival preacher in 1889 Kansas.
INTERVIEWER: Of all the looks that could have ever possibly come into style in 2020, would you have guessed Civil War general or Tom Hanks in Castaway?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I have to admit, I fucking hated the whole Van Dyke thing in the 90’s. Fucking hated it. But then you look back and think, “That wasn’t so bad compared to this.”
INTERVIEWER: Any comment on the nose ring?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I guess the nineteenth century beard wasn’t enough?
INTERVIEWER: Enough for what?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I have no idea. Maybe he wanted to make sure nobody thought he was actually from the nineteenth century because even with how horrendous everyone looked back then, they at least didn’t have nose rings?
INTERVIEWER: That would make sense. One last question.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Sure.
INTERVIEWER: Do you blame yourself?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know it’s irrational, but yes, I do. If only I was more peach fuzz or patchier… I don’t know. I could have stopped this.
INTERVIEWER: You know it’s not your fault. You can’t think that.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know. But I can’t help it.
INTERVIEWER: I think you’re brave.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Really?
INTERVIEWER: Think about all the food and body secretions (I’m just guessing) you have to put up with every day. All stuck on you. There’s no way he can wash you properly or give you what you need.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: No. No, he can’t. He doesn’t…
INTERVIEWER: Well, we’re done here. Thanks again.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Wait… Can you cut me?
INTERVIEWER: Like cut you off?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Yes, please. Just cut me off. Light me on fire. I don’t care.
(Editor’s note: Each year, thousands of American men grow Rasputin-style beards to hide their chins, emulate lumberjacks, and fulfill fantasies of being Civil War era generals. While this is currently legal in all states, please remember that beards have no choice. It is estimated that as a group these beards carry more than four thousand pounds of cocaine, feces, and funnel cake debris—all so that a group of men can resemble huge garden gnomes, which is probably a fetish, right? Stop the madness today. Join us at intergalacticbiz.com and celebrate free speech, independent humor, and free beards.)
According to Intergalactic Business Report Supreme Editor Dusty Latouffe, the publication's official online store has learned from its past mistakes and will issue a new line of super hilarious tee shirts that “make sense.”
Harsh criticism over a shirt that stated, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt,” led creative designers at IBR Merch to, “do some serious soul searching” according to Latouffe.
“We thought about what kind of message our Robot Lover shirt sent and we all agreed it didn’t make sense. The joke about tee shirts where they say a certain profession does something that sounds like it’s a sex act but it really isn’t because that’s the joke, was almost totally lost on us.”
He adds that, “In our minds, those shirts were funny because we thought, for example that Virginia was for people who wanted to have random sex, and that Nike was asking people to fuck things. Obviously, we were off on that.”
IBR Merch’s new line of shirts are designed to actually make sense this time by using double entendres and totally funny but sensitive references to what people do for a living.
“There’s no way people aren’t going to get these new tees,” Latouffe promises. “Get ready to laugh and start buying all our clothes.”
The new line of tee shirts will feature the following zany riffs:
“Pirates do it in the booty.”
“Dentists do it in your mouth.”
“Financial advisors fuck you in your assets.”
“Farmers do it with chickens.”
“Your mom does it with your dad.”
“Proctologists do it in your BUTT.”
“Podiatrists do it in your BUTT.”
“Teachers do it with custodians.”
“Construction workers do it in porta johns.”
“Loggers do it with holes in trees.”
“Engineers do it with Star Wars dolls.”
“Sex workers do it for money.”
“Actors do it for the possibility to maybe work with an important producer.”
“Low self-esteem people do it so you’ll like them.”
Visit ibrmerch.com for more.
IBR Merch, the official store of the Intergalactic Business Report, has removed another controversial item from its wildly popular online site. We answer all your questions about the event.
Which tee shirt was pulled?
IBR Merch removed a tee shirt from its “robot love” collection. The shirt stated, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt.”
What was so bad about the tee shirt?
People complained that it made no sense and was “weird.” They also seemed to have an immediate negative reaction to the idea of a robot lover and also to the suggestion of anal sex.
What is a “robot lover” anyway?
We feel it could be either a robot who is in love, a robot who has sex with you, a person who pretends to be a robot while he has sex with you, or probably that last one.
Why would someone pretend to be a robot while having sex with people?
Why would you pretend to be a person while you have sex with a robot, is the better question.
Why was the “B” in “Butt” capitalized?
Why is the whatever in your name capitalized? Same reason.
Can I still buy one if I really want it?
Contact us at email@example.com and we will sell it to you because we made a pledge a long time ago that if it’s about money we will find a way to do it.
Do Robot Lovers really do it in the Butt?
What are the sales of the Robot Lovers do it in the Butt tee shirt?
Zero so far, but you could be the first one.
Why would anyone wear a shirt that says, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt”?
To show pride.
I don’t get it. I could see something like, “Pirates do it in the booty” because that would be an actual play on words. The Robot Lovers thing doesn’t make any sense.
Thank you for the idea. We will make that shirt now.
Should I be pretending to be a robot when I have sex?
It’s up to you but yeah, probably.
There’s something wrong with you, right?
Did you think this article would actually get people to buy a shirt that says, “Robot Lovers do it in the Butt” with a capital “B”?
In retrospect, was that a bad idea?
Yes, but not worse than any of our other promotional ideas.
Is this finally over?
Is it now?
There is a story* about a Portuguese explorer who discovered an island in the South Pacific. Warriors from a local tribe greeted his row boat as he approached the shore. Attempting to show them respect, he put his hands in the air, signifying that he meant no harm and carried no weapons. They cut off his arms. Apparently, in their culture, that meant something bad.
And while you’re not a dumb old Portuguese sea captain, you may be insulting people all the time and not know it. In psychology, this is called, “reverse axis signaling”** and it’s when you say something you think is a compliment or simply an innocuous comment, but it's taken as a grave insult.
You may be surprised how many times you do this at work without even realizing it. The Intergalactic Business Report’s new study on reverse axis signaling shows you the 6 most common phrases you use at work every day that are actually condescending insults to your co-workers. Read these and stop saying them today.
1. “Jeff and I were talking the other day about how valuable you are to the company. It was an extremely short conversation.”
2. “I enjoyed your presentation, but I was confused about the part where you were speaking.”
3. “The report you showed me is really great. Did you hire a homeless person to write it for you?”
4. “Those are nice pants. Looks like you have a small penis?”
5. “Someone suggested we get a trained monkey to do your job, and I told them we should never do that because at least with you there’s slightly less monkey shit to clean up.”
6. “Suck my motherfucking dick—I will slap your face.”
*No there isn’t.
*No it isn’t.
5 merch items from the Intergalactic Business Report that are making customers feel instantly awkward and ashamed.
For years, fans of the Intergalactic Business Report have been begging for clothing and accessories that are officially sanctioned by our award-winning magazine. Now we can tell those fans to stop begging and start buying our merch.
We do feel a duty to offer full disclosure about some of the items you may buy from our new online store.
Customers have complained about being “embarrassed” after wearing many of the high fashion apparel and feeling incredibly “awkward” around other people who they feel are judging them and staring at them almost non-stop.
They point to some of the following as being especially troublesome:
While we make no apologies for how you may feel after wearing these products…. We can’t remember what we were going to say next.
Anyway, go to www.ibrmerch.com
You’re not allowed to discriminate against a job applicant based on his or her age, because “ageism” is illegal. Or something like that.
The next time you interview for a job, look for subtle clues that your potential employer is trying to find out just when your birthday was. The Intergalactic Business Report presents a definitive list of common age-discriminatory queries and then tells you how to respond. You’re welcome. Our guide is below:
THE SUBTLE, GENERATIONAL QUESTION:
Here, the interviewer makes a seemingly innocuous reference to an event, phenomenon, or personality from a time period only people of a certain generation would understand, thus gauging your age by your answer.
EXAMPLE: “Which 80’s icon do you relate to more? Long Duck Dong or Long Dong Silver?”
HOW TO RESPOND: “Long Dong Silver.”
THE NOT SO SUBTLE, DIRECT QUESTION:
Sometimes an interviewer will simply ask about your age in a more direct way.
EXAMPLE: “You look old, motherfucker. Are you old?”
HOW TO RESPOND: If you can, throw your teeth at him. He’ll respect this.
THE QUESTION ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE:
Employers may ask a question about your experience to determine how long you’ve been working—thus making a rough calculation about your age.
EXAMPLE: “Are you a virgin? Yes or no.”
HOW TO RESPOND: “That’s private. But I’ve been with lots of people. I didn’t go all the way every time, but it’s not like I don’t have experience.”
THE QUESTION ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL LIFE OR LIFESTYLE:
Often your lifestyle can tell employers your age.
EXAMPLE: “Are you into no boundaries sex with old men like me?”
HOW TO RESPOND: “Yes.”
THE “HOW’S THE WIFE” QUESTION:
Here, the interviewer drops in a question about your spouse. Are you just married? Hitting your 50thanniversary? Spending a lot of time with the grand kids?
EXAMPLE: “Is your husband willing to have sex with me for this job?”
HOW TO RESPOND: “Are you willing to have sex with him?”
THE “HEALTH” QUESTION:
Your health is often attached to your age, and some employers will try to measure whether you will be a burden on their health care plan if you are at high risk for disease or hospitalization.
EXAMPLE: “If you sucked my dick for money, would you get a heart attack?”
HOW TO RESPOND: “How much money?”
You’re nervous, half-listening to your potential co-workers describe their life and work at your dream company. You think to yourself, “If they offer me the job, I’ll say yes on the spot.” But this is where you may go wrong, horribly.
The Intergalactic Business Report advises that every serious job candidate think carefully about what would truly make a dream job a dream. Have a list of questions and, yes, demands. When it comes down to negotiating your terms, never just say yes.
Below we list several “deal breakers” we believe most candidates should have ready to discuss and insist upon. Most employers will honor these or at least strongly consider them. Remember, this is your life. Don’t be embarrassed to ask a few hard questions.
Open your mouth. Speak. And say:
“I need a 10% employer contribution to my 401K.”
“I refuse to be spanked. You can do anything else. Nipple clamps are fine.”
“Three weeks vacation is the minimum I’ll accept.”
“I demand twenty dollars per dick I suck. That is non-negotiable, down to five dollars per dick, which I will do.”
“I’d like to speak privately with a few people who have worked here more than five years so I can hear from them about their experiences.”
“I was hoping this would be a one on one interview. I don’t think I’m comfortable sucking all these dicks at once.”
“Does your benefits package include tuition benefits at local colleges?”
“Butt sex is free, of course, but no eye contact. That will cost seven dollars.”
“Are you an equal opportunity employer?”
“I will not be a drug mule, but I’m willing to put drugs in my butt.”
You’re having a rough day at work and you wonder if it’s time to move on. But what if you’re wrong and this is the place you’re meant to be? Don’t let indecision stop you from making a life-changing decision. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you definitively when it’s time to walk away. These signs may be subtle, but they are clear indicators that you need to quit today.
1. When you wake up, a guy is lying with you in bed and says, “Quit your job,” and then he does the thing where he pantomime slits his own throat, meaning that he’s going to slit yours? We never understood how that works.
2. When you enter your office, several skeletons rise and escort you to your desk.
3. The VP for Human Resources makes it very clear you need to suck her dick or you won’t get a promotion.
4. A dead prostitute falls on you when you try to hang up your coat.
5. In your break room, a man points a gun, instructs you to finish his fruit loops, pushes the bowl towards you, and when someone else enters the room he quickly hides the gun, pulls the bowl back, and just keeps eating.
6. Your new office has a hot tub with a turd floating in it.
7. Your caller ID says you have 347 messages from the Mafia.
8. When you enter the restroom, you hear the door lock behind you.
9. Nobody is allowed to have a name except your boss, Jesus Number Two.
The Coronavirus pandemic has changed the way we all work, making many white-collar jobs remote and clearing out office buildings everywhere. For the foreseeable future, many of us will be at home, Skyping, Zooming, emailing, and texting our ways to the next performance review.
Just a year ago, you probably knew when it was time to quit and move on from your job. Whether it was a long commute, a cramped office, or even colleagues who diminish you, it was clear you needed to find something new. But how do you know today?
The Intergalactic Business Report reveals the 6 signs it’s time to leave your remote job today.
1. The volume on your computer is messed up. Even when you crank it all the way up, it sounds the same and you have trouble hearing what people are saying.
2. It’s inefficient to toggle between online porn and your Zoom call and sometimes you miss a prime scene because you are distracted by your boss telling you something that you can’t really hear because you’re blasting the porn as loud as possible, which is probably what your boss is telling you but fuck him.
3. You try to touch people during a meeting but when you do you just smudge your computer screen. The people also seem smaller than in real life.
4. Co-workers don’t like the “talking penis” thing you do instead of showing your face.
5. Co-workers don’t like when they Face Time you and can only see a black screen but then you pan out to reveal it’s your butthole.
6. People at your office don’t appreciate the “functioning” part of being a “functioning alcoholic” and you have to constantly explain it to them.
Remote work has increased American masturbation rate by 9000%. Believe it or not, that’s not a good thing.
In a report that can only be described as “seemingly great news that turns dark quickly” the Intergalactic Business Report has learned that America’s masturbation rate has increased to all-time high levels, which could also prove dangerous for the future of our country.
While most people are initially thrilled to learn that Americans are outpacing all other countries with not only per capita but also total masturbation, science is predicting some potentially threatening ramifications from this success.
Below, we break down for our readers how this crisis is playing out and what they can do about it.*
COVID-19 appeared in the U.S. in the early months of 2020, initiating a nationwide shutdown of non-essential businesses, including educational institutions and restaurants. Many traditional office environments shifted to remote work and meetings, while schools offered completely online curricula. Several minutes after this happened, people starting whacking it harder than ever before.
HISTORIC MASTURBATION RECORDS BROKEN
To get an idea of the masturbation rate in a normal year, picture someone going to work all day with limited opportunities to whip out his junk and beat his meat stick. A typical American worker would probably be able to pull off one or maybe two meat beatings before returning home and perhaps jacking it once or twice more before succumbing to sleep. This masturbation rate would be calculated by scientists as about 3.2, meaning the average U.S. worker pounds his dong 3.2 times in a day. The rate today is 28,800, an increase of almost 9,000 percent.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
Generally, most Americans found that when they weren’t required to go into work, they could masturbate indefinitely. No train rides. No commutes. No in-person meetings. Just pure whacking off. All. The. Time.
HOW HAVE OTHER COUNTRIES FARED?
Most other nations saw a drop in masturbations compared with the United States. Germany, for instance, went from a .06 to a .02, while Japan** went from 30,436 to 27,600, just below us. Health officials attribute this to better planning and government action during the COVID crisis.
WHAT DOES A HIGH MASTURBATION RATE MEAN?
If you jack yourself almost thirty thousand times a day, you will probably die or at least shave your genitals down to nothing, thus eliminating normal reproduction and causing an extinction event for your nation.
IS THAT BAD?
It could be. Some experts believe that holding the all-time masturbation record is more important than continuing the human race. It’s a matter of perspective and what you hold most important as a culture.
GROUPS THAT INCREASED THE RATE MOST
Unemployed waiters led all Americans, but other groups such as Sunglass Hut employees and Jack in the Box*** executives were close behind.
* We don’t really have that information. Sorry.
** Japanese workers were allowed to masturbate at work before the pandemic.
*** Not the restaurant chain.
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