 Not Brandon Dunnar. Normally, someone making a business proposition of this magnitude would do it face-to-face and with a specific person. But I’m not normal. That’s why I’m writing this to YOU with the understanding that you know who you are and that you will immediately connect with what I’m proposing and say yes.
I may be downplaying that last part a bit. You won’t just say “yes.” You will jump out of your fucking pants and beg me to do this deal with you. You will jump out of your pants like they are made of demon fleas who will tear the skin off your bones if you don’t get rid of them. You get it. If you’ve kept reading to this point, then congratulations. It means you are quite possibly “the one” who will go into business with me and profit in ways you can’t know or conceive of right now. Are you feeling it? Because I am. I guess it’s time to give more specifics, so let me start with this: I am NOT good with people. That’s where you come in. You’re smart, but not too smart. You’re able to have a conversation with someone where it’s not screaming or trying to grab their nuts. You’re able to sense when someone is saying something that isn’t threatening and are able to regulate your feelings when that happens instead of physically assaulting them or screaming. YOU are going to be all those things because I can’t. That’s what you bring to the table. But how about me? I bring something very unusual that other humans do not have. I am able to do things that most people would see and say, “why is that guy playing with himself in the middle of the highway” or, “did that guy seriously just take a dump on the floor of Pottery Barn?” It’s that kind of stuff that I can do that others fail at accomplishing. It’s also why the two of us are going to dominate so hard. Let me explain this as an analogy. You act normal while I do the other stuff. I guess that’s not an analogy. How about this? There’s an untrained chimpanzee (me) who’s been let out of a cage and he’s at a mall, just ripping people’s faces off. You (you) are at the mall. I think that’s how this is going to work. Hold on, you’re saying. What EXACTLY is our business going to be? To that, I will say this: LET ME COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE TO EXPLAIN. Obviously, I’m not going reveal my ideas right here. But if you’re serious about your future, you will want to get all the information and that means me in your house, explaining it. Are you confused? That’s good. Because confusion is just curiosity without the “onfusion” and before you add the “uriosity.” Imagine being able to get an internship with Einstein or DaVinci. That would be awesome, right? With me, it will be like having an internship with a chimpanzee who’s been let out of his cage. No theory of relativity. No cool inventions. Just a lot of face ripping and poo flinging. The way it should be. Still need convincing? Here’s a hundred-dollar bill. Take it. Really. Just take it. What’s that? Did you say it’s impossible to take a hundred-dollar bill from just reading this? Then tell me where you live and I will show up and give you the money IN PERSON. I swear, sometimes when I look in your eyes, I see myself. In the reflection. Think about that for a second. Me. In your home. You. Looking at me. Me. Seeing myself in your eyes as I explain the greatest business opportunity you have ever heard of in your life. You. Accepting our new relationship. Us. In a high-level business meeting with investors. You. Showing them a pitch deck. Me. Screaming and showing them my balls. Us. Signing a multi-billion-dollar deal. It’s that simple. In conclusion, I am extremely pleased that you have entered a legally-binding, lifetime business and personal relationship with me that can never be terminated and that you and I will essentially die together, most likely because I will literally drive us off a cliff in my retrofitted camper van, which is where we will live together until I do that. By reading this, you have given me written consent to enter your life as your best friend, guardian, and, most importantly, boss. Your percentage in our business is determined on a fluctuating scale that either rises or diminishes based on my assessment of how much you are meeting my needs and expectations and will massively fluctuate throughout each day. You will drive the camper van. You will clean out the poop from the camper van. The camper van, by the way, does not have a toilet. Please send your address. Your boss, Brandon Dunnar Brandon Dunnar is a dealmaker and your new boss. He has no association with the Intergalactic Business Report but we will forward your information to him if you contact us at [email protected]  It doesn't matter if you’re just starting out or reaching retirement--most of us go through our careers with the same happy delusions. Whether it’s that hard work will always pay off, or that talent rises to the top, the truth is work can be cynical, arbitrary, and unfair. This week the Intergalactic Business Report examines the hardscrabble reality of office life and employment by presenting you with:
The ten really brutal career truths nobody told you. 1. No one cares how your weekend was. And they never will. Unless you had sex with them. Over the weekend. And they’re checking to see how that was. 2. If you’re wondering who keeps taking a dump on your desk, it was Jeff Tanner. And he’ll just keep doing it. You may as well quit. 3. Your 401K is fake. Right? 4. During your performance reviews, your boss is thinking about porn. And not solid, regular, attractive-people-having-sex-with-each-other porn. He likes the nasty stuff. And there you are, asking him how to improve. And there he is, picturing someone’s fat ass—probably of an old person. 5. You spend one-third to one-half of your life at work. That means your boss spends at least half his life picturing old people having sex with fat people. 6. If Jeff Tanner could figure out a way to get inside your car, he would shit there too. Truth. 7. If offices still had filing cabinets, that’s where Jeff Tanner would take dumps. And if you didn’t use your filing cabinet regularly, you’d probably just smell something for a while and wonder if there was something off with the ventilation system until someone asked you if you had that file on the Emerson account and you said, “Yes, I have it right in here…” 8. No matter how hard you work; no matter how loyal you are; no matter how many hours you put in; no matter how much money you make; no matter how many times you’re promoted; no matter how many awards you win; Jeff Tanner is going to find a way to take a dump on something you own, work on, or put files into. Reality. 9. Working hard doesn’t make your penis larger. Or vagina larger. Or butt hole deeper. You get it. 10. If you were to star in a porn about fat people having sex with extremely old people, your performance review would be with someone else, like the guy who directs movies like that. But, at the same time, the person who has the job you have now would be doing a performance review and their boss would be thinking about you in your movie. So there’s that.  It happens every few years. The economy dips. Stocks fluctuate. And friends and family come running to me for advice. They ask questions like, “Should I sell my stocks?” And, “Are we going into a recession?” Perhaps my favorite question ever was from someone not even related to me who recently asked, “Should I become a male prostitute to make ends meet?” Yes, that happened. Yesterday.
Imagine being so scared and desperate about the numbers on a stock market ticker, that you’re willing to sell your own body because it’s ticking downward. The person who asked me this (we’ll just call him Brett) had done the usual things with his retirement savings. He invested in a 401K and owned a home. He’d put away a little cash for emergencies and had reliable transportation. His credit was good. He lived within his means. He had life insurance and had been paying into Roth IRAs for quite some time. I asked him why he was so panicky that he was considering a life of moral ambiguity and lawlessness just because of the stock market. His answer was simple. He said, “Have you seen the fucking stock market?” I played it cool and told him I had seen it. But then, I shrewdly added, “Why don’t you tell me what you saw, just so I can verify.” He told me the numbers. At first, I didn’t believe him. I questioned how the stock market could have fallen so hard, so fast. Basically, this is how it went: HIM: I thought you said you were a big business guy, and you watched the stock market. ME: Yeah. I am. HIM: Then why are you acting like you have no idea what’s happening right now with the stock market? ME: Why are YOU considering becoming a male prostitute? HIM: I’m NOT! You keep telling me I should become one. Panic is for the weak. And our conversation showed me that weak people have two choices: Either they do something reasonable and work off their debt by doing things other people aren’t willing to do, or they lose all their money. Brett decided to lose all his money instead of making a strategic choice that would have allowed him to consolidate his debts and move forward. I pity him, in a way, for being so resistant to change. If anyone is thinking about becoming a prostitute because of the current stock market, I would be happy to advise. Only hot people please. In conclusion, just to say it again, I want objectively attractive people. No fatties. Also, it’s hotter if you wear glasses and say you’ve just run the numbers and you’re broke, what should you do? If you have 20-20 vision, just take the lenses out. I don’t care. Not my problem. Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at [email protected].  As a trade war between the United States and everyone else ensues, prices on key products are soon to rise. Today we focus on items from Canada and Mexico. Instead of worrying about avocados, lumber, and cars becoming unaffordable, the Intergalactic Business Report points you to the price hikes you really should look out for.
1. Spanish fly. While not technically “Mexican” it’s stuff you would probably buy from Mexico, if you were a teenager in 1973. 2. Canadian beaver. 3. An unearned sense of smugness and superiority. 4. Dana Carvey. 5. The word “mum” instead of “mom.” 5. Bryan Adams records. 6. Mexican flags. 7. HGTV “Love it or list it” people. 8. Men dressed as bumble bees. 9. Luchador masks. 10. Inuit bone carvings. 11. Lumberjack porn.  With a movement to ban Chicago furriers, other traditional businesses fear they may be next. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report looks into professions that are primed for the chopping block. If you work in one of these fields, it may be time to find a new career. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Professions that are likely to be banned next by the City of Chicago. Jalopy repairmen. Livery stable cleaners. Milk men who impregnate wives. In’jun hunters. Organ grinders. Organ grinders’ monkeys. Soda jerks. Men who shout the news at you for a nickel. Pony express riders. Brothel madams. “No Irish Allowed” sign makers. Werewolf fighters. Night watchmen. Tape deck repairmen. Barber shop quartets. Witch trial judges. Pigeon chefs. Midget trainers. Surly sea captains. Snake oil salesmen. Cannon ball makers. Minstrel show performers. Corset designers. Asbestos installers. Occultists. Horse divers. Posses. Chastity belt manufacturers. Grizzled prospectors. Bootleggers. Haberdashers. Duelists. Swordsmen. Eugenicists. Mendicants. Stokers. Saloon pianists. Whalers.  For years, conventional wisdom told us that if it’s on the internet, it’s also safe to buy with a credit card*. Unfortunately, what was once a sacred space for virtual commerce has quickly become a wasteland of trickery and deceit. Each purchase is a gamble. Every time you use your credit card could be your last. Often, your very life depends on what transactions you make. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report flags commonly bought items on the internet that are fraught with peril. While they may seem safe, they are either fraudulent or could pose a danger to you and your family.
While there are many others, we list the worst offenders. Do NOT buy the following things on the internet: 1. Filipino dynamite or anything from the Philippines that says, “body expanding mouth juice.” 2. Big Earl’s lawn sex figurines. 3. Funny War Machine bridge detonators 4. Any of the following brands: Serpentine Anal Snakes, Borsch City Contraband, AK-47 extras, Lesbian Military Shooter Club, or My Favorite Illegals. 5. Equine pheromones. 6. Permanent body sticky butt tape. 7. Operation Jungle Storm Orangutan sex videos. 8. “Real life dead people anime.” 9. Asian Farms rare insect collection. 10. Authentic German nutcrackers with hanging testicles. 11. “Crate full-o runaways.” *Or not.  When you really really hate an employee but also hope he’ll just quit on his own, a performance improvement plan offers the perfect mix of torture and humiliation, as your inept worker must complete vague tasks and alter his behavior so that after three months you can tell him it still isn’t working out, but thanks for trying to do all the stuff I came up with that I knew you’d never actually be able to do.
However arbitrary and unfair your plan is, you must still respect a few legal boundaries as you assign your soon-to-be fired supplicant tasks and directives. Although some of these may seem like normal requests to an employee, we caution you to avoid making them part of a performance plan. Below we list the seven most common, but potentially illegal requests bosses make in employee performance improvement plans. Stop adding these 8 metrics to your employee improvement plans.
 Another year is passing like a relative you’ve never heard of who your mom says died and you’re like, who? Only this time that dead uncle is the Intergalactic Business Report, and you’re forced to go to the funeral. No, we didn’t die, but yes, you’re going to sit there and hear about all the things we did that we think are amazing and think to yourself, “That’s not that great.” We don’t care. And there’s no food or alcohol because we ate and drank everything already.
Anyway, here’s what happened at IBR in 2024. The year began with Ed Mountaineer switching his religion to worshipping immortal instatrillionaire Kris Krohn. We also helped orgiasts with some conversation starters and new home buyers from dying in a ghost attack. As the year progressed, AI bot Arthur Killallhumans wrote a love letter to your girlfriend; we warned you about more “mayhem” from Allstate; and encouraged ABC’s the Bachelor to ask his paramours how his dad’s dick tastes when he kisses them. We answered the question whether AI is racist (yes, but like your grandpa, if he could detonate nuclear weapons with his mind) and we gave you foolproof April Fool’s pranks to play on people in the Target parking lot. What else? Oh, Ed Mountaineer became sales and gay porn trainer Andy Elliot’s personal slave. We revealed what famous people said just before they gave their famous last words. We pitched Maggie and Jake Gylenhaal (or however the fuck they spell it) to be lovers in a movie. And we solved inflation. There’s also a lot of other stuff we did, like inventing the “boner silencer,” covering the Democratic National Convention, and teaching you new things you can “weaponize.” We covered entertainment, entered a state flag contest, and pitched the Tate bros reality show ideas. Did we forget to mention that Facebook basically admitted to censoring us? In the end, we tried to sell the Intergalactic Business Report for $12.8 Million. That didn’t work. So, we continue on to another year of glory for you, our reader. Join us and read all the stuff we didn’t have the space or energy to link to this. We’re done writing now. Goodbye. Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, The Intergalactic Business Report  Unreal numbers. Some readers have questioned the value of the Intergalactic Business Report ahead of our selling it to a still as of yet undisclosed rich person. Criticism has ranged from “how the fuck did you get a valuation of $12.8 Million,” to “What do you even do?” To silence those who would ever question our integrity and motives, we are now publicly sharing our financial and operational details, below.
Company structure: 100% privately owned. Revenue: $5-10 dollars (yearly). Actual Revenue: Below that. Probably way below. Like negative. But we don’t have “books” or whatever. Projected revenue: $12.8 Million (after our sale). Leadership: Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor. Some other guys. Organizational structure: Open. We invite anyone to join because we believe in freedom. Physical assets: Imaginary. Debt/liability: Probably a lot but see above about how we don’t do accounting. Employee salaries: Variable, but dependent on the changing value of Taco Bell coupons. Intangibles: $42.9 Million. Brand value: $117.5 Million. Total: $173.2 Million. YOU save: $160 Million? YOU not taking this deal: Stupid.  After presenting the deal of a lifetime to multiple billionaires, the Intergalactic Business Report makes a pitch to the cast of Shark Tank before our price rises again and becomes too much for anyone to afford. Mark Cuban is excluded this time because he would rather back fake tequila for people on Entourage, we guess. For the rest of you Sharks, the offer is still wide open. Below, we make pitches to each of you (whose names we can kind of remember):
Mr. Wonderful. Royalties. You give us a loan for $12.8 Million dollars, and we pay you a royalty each time the Intergalactic Business Report gets a million views. If we don’t get a million views, we keep the money. Barbara Corcoran. We have a great story, and we are great people. Bet on us. Bet on us being really good people. Like $12.8 Million good people. That Indian dude. You’re a marketing genius. Imagine what you could do with that? You’d have $12.8 Million dollars’ worth of an online magazine to market with. Imagine the possibilities. David Schwimmer. We heard you were on Shark Tank? Wow. Do you even have $12.8 Million? If so, yes please. We would like that. Robert Herjavec. You’re Croation. We’re Croation! Kind of. Or not really at all. Daymond John. We’re considered by many to be the edgy urban apparel of the internet. It’s so on brand for you to pay us $12.8 Million. If not, you’re kind of a sellout? Right? Lori Greiner. Imagine selling an online magazine that has a viewership of like a hundred people (who accidentally click on us because they think we're porn) on QVC? It would fly off the shelves, right? All of you all. Would you all be willing to do this deal together? As long as you come up with the $12.8 Million, we’re good. We’d also be willing to consider a payment plan or whatever. |
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