In 2019, most people thought 2020 would be great. They were wrong. Except for one guy, who predicted how much it would suck. He also has a weird beard that’s grey, which means he has wisdom and stuff.
Who is this guy? And how can he predict everything bad that happens? We sat down with him to find out.
INTERVIEWER: I’m going to start out by saying I’ve seen you all over the internet and you have a grey beard and you look mystical or something.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Yes, that sounds like a description of me. Although I’m not mystical.
INTERVIEWER: So you predicted everything that was going to happen in 2020? Are you like Nostradamus or something?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I’m more like a financial guy who sees trends in money and stocks and that kind of thing.
INTERVIEWER: Nostradamus couldn’t do that?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I have no idea.
INTERVIEWER: I thought you knew everything.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I know a lot about financial markets and I could see a trend taking place when the Coronavirus surfaced in early 2020.
INTERVIEWER: O.K. You saw a trend. What did Nostradamus say?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I don’t understand.
INTERVIEWER: You don’t understand the question?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: No. I don’t. I’m not Nostradamus. Nostradamus died hundreds of years ago.
INTERVIEWER: I didn’t say you were Nostradamus.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: O.K.
INTERVIEWER: I asked you what Nostradamus said about 2020.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I don’t know.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. You really don’t know shit, do you?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: All right. I’m starting to think this interview was maybe not what I thought it was going to be.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, so your prediction about it was wrong?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I’m going to explain this once and for all. I am not a psychic or soothsayer or whatever Nostradamus was. I’m a financial analyst. I didn’t predict 2020 and everything that happened this past year. I just have some financial advice based on trends I’ve seen. I think you’re misrepresenting me.
INTERVIEWER: O.K. Question. How much better is Nostradamus than you? He didn’t have any problem predicting anything. You seem to struggle endlessly.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Are we going to talk about financial markets?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I have some advice about how to invest smartly in the coming year. I’d start with…
INTERVIEWER: Oh, hey, hold up one sec.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Yes?
INTERVIEWER: What am I holding behind my back right now?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I can’t see.
INTERVIEWER: No. I’m asking you to use your mind to see what’s there.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I can’t do that.
INTERVIEWER: And yet you used your mind to see what was going to happen with financial markets or whatever?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Well, yes, but…
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: What?
INTERVIEWER: Checkmate. As in I win and you miserably lose.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Do you realize this is a paid advertisement we’re doing? I paid you for this interview. Do you get that?
INTERVIEWER: Hold on.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: This is terrible.
INTERVIEWER: Randy! Randy! Did he pay for this?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Yes, I paid for this. You’re supposed to say stuff like, “Wow” and, “How do I learn more?” And then I direct you to my newsletter and Web site.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I think this was a mistake. I’m going to leave.
INTERVIEWER: Hold on. I think if we end this now the audience is going to be confused.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Audience? You’re not printing this.
INTERVIEWER: I’m not?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Not unless you want a fucking lawsuit.
INTERVIEWER: Can I just say something?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: What?
INTERVIEWER: I thought you’d be a lot cooler than this.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Fuck you.
INTERVIEWER: Right there. Proving my point.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I’m expecting my money back immediately. Goodbye.
INTERVIEWER: Can you at least summon a spirit or something before you leave?
Rich people. Those zany motherfuckers who can buy anything and who you want to be friends with so you can say, “Yeah, I’m friends with that dude and I’ve been in his private jet. No. Really.”
As much as you may grovel at their feet, new evidence suggests there may not be much of a difference between you and them. In fact, one of the only factors separating “normal” people from the super-rich is how each of us spends his money.
In a fascinating new development, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals the 7 things the ultra-wealthy do with their money that you can start doing too. Try these today and become the person at whose feet other people grovel.
7 strange things the ultra-wealthy do with their money, that you should try too.
1. Sometimes they go to a bank and say, “I’d like to deposit this check for one million dollars.” Maybe you should try that.
2. They use their money to buy multi-million-dollar yachts and cars that cost like $250,000. You should do that.
3. Once in a while, one of them will tell one of their servants to tell the helicopter pilot to get ready because they want to watch a football game from the sky and then they pull out a hundred-dollar bill and say, “Here. I appreciate you.” Give that a try.
4. They pay the $363,472 bill on their Amex Black Card. Get one of those and then pay your own bill.
5. In Summer, they decide to pay to have their pool house renovated so they can have an arthouse actor live there and come out occasionally to tell them stories about Klaus Kinski and Werner Herzog, because he knows them or something. Why don’t you try that? It doesn’t have to be the same guy. Just anyone really, as long as you pay for the pool house renovation.
6. When a nun tells them about terrible shit that’s happening in some other country, they write a huge check to stop the problem, because that works. You should write a huge check too. Unless you don’t care about orphans in war-torn countries.
7. They pay for “security personnel” to protect them so people don’t touch them or ask for stuff without getting brushed aside by dudes who look way too fat to actually fight but are somehow professional bodyguards. Get some of those guys for your own protection. Until then, you’ll just get touched by people.
Is it considered corporate espionage to steal the richest man in the world’s daily schedule? Seriously, if anyone's a lawyer, please let us know. Anyway, this is what we believe is an authentic, validated, stolen copy of Elon Musk’s schedule from yesterday. We have reprinted it below:
DATE: February 8, 2020.
SCHEDULE FOR ELON MUSK, Founder, CEO, lead designer, SpaceX; CEO, Tesla Incorporated.
4:30 a.m. Wake up, or sleep. It doesn’t matter. You can do whatever you want. Maybe just sleep.
5:00 a.m. Sleep with a smug look on your face.
5:30 a.m. Have a dream about how you’re talking to George Clooney and bitching him out for not doing enough. Then you apologize and it’s really weepy. Even dream George Clooney is embarrassed for you. But then you’re just eating fish tacos with Luiz Guzmán.
6:30 a.m. Wake up. Start your workout. Something where you’re on a machine no one can afford and it stimulates your muscles through science or whatever.
7:00 a.m. See what the lead story is on the Intergalactic Business Report. Nothing? Those fuckers haven’t posted anything yet.
7:03 a.m. Think about what you’re going to do today without insight from the Intergalactic Business Report.
7:14 a.m. You’ve been refreshing the Intergalactic Business Report for 11 minutes. Now someone who works for you calls. Answer it.
7:14-7:30 a.m. The person on the phone says stuff. You don’t really listen or care.
7:30-8:45 a.m. Helicopter ride! Yes! Fuck yes!
8:45 a.m. Arrive at important meeting. Hit refresh on the Intergalactic Business Report page. Still nothing.
8:45-10:30 a.m. Listen to the bullshit at the meeting. Some guy keeps saying shit. Everyone’s standing up because that’s what you make them do because it’s more efficient or something. Or is that someone else’s thing? Doesn’t matter. You’re all standing. In a bathroom. Some guy says he needs to pee. You’re like, “Go then. It’s a bathroom.” He pees for like ten minutes. Someone whispers that the dude's dick is huge. Maybe that’s how it pees for so long?
10:30 a.m. Time to eat. Did you forget? A miserable employee runs up to you with a kale shake and some other crap no human eats. You sip on it and hate him as if it’s his fault you eat this shit.
10:45 a.m. Make a funny video that everyone will laugh at. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Post it on something. No. Don’t. Consider it at least. No. Not going to post it.
11:30 a.m. Interview with important journalist. Need to come up with something super weird and provocative to say. Come on, Elon, think!
11:35 a.m. Fuck. You’re calling this in. He’s talking and you’re talking, but there’s no way this is good enough to make the news. Wait, you’re fucking Elon Musk. You can say you made a poopy in your pants and they’d think it was a Jesus proverb.
11:36 a.m. Probably shouldn’t have said you made a poopy in your pants. The journalist stopped talking and is just staring at you now.
11:37 a.m. Say you need to go because some shit happened on Mars. Run out of the room like it’s an emergency. Maybe say something in Martian or whatever.
11:38 a.m. -12:40 p.m. Motherfucking helicopter ride! Yes! Hell to the yes!
12:41 p.m. Lunch with celebrity you’ve been wanting to meet forever. Don’t forget to say how you’re a fan because that’s what you say when you meet someone like that.
12:42-1:33 p.m. Why the fuck did you schedule this? Ron Jeremy is boring as hell. He won’t stop fucking talking. Maybe ask to see his dick?
1:34 p.m. More shit on Mars. Just leave. You don’t even need to explain if you don’t want to.
1:40 p.m. Get in a Tesla someone pulled around for you. No hands driving time! Fuck yeah!!!!!
1:43 p.m. Check Intergalactic Business Report page. They have something up. You don’t get it. Is this supposed to be funny? Maybe you should just write them a check for like a billion dollars? Yes, that would make them funny. Really really consider this.
1:44-2:40 p.m. Long ride through the dessert. There are no fucking Taco Bells out here. Seriously? Consider building Taco Bells—everywhere… Next huge idea? Yes.
2:41 p.m. Roll up to secret mansion in the dessert where time-traveling demon lives.
2:42- 4:00 p.m. Beg demon for new cool information and ideas.
4:01 p.m. Leave with awesome concept about flavored buttplugs that never leave your butt and allow the user to type with cloud formations in the sky. Would have been great to have this during the interview where you said you made a poopy.
4:01- 5 p.m. Dessert walk. Time to think. Kind of like punishment but really vague, like you’re not sure what you did wrong but if you walk through the dessert long enough it’ll hit you.
5:01 p.m. Oh… So that’s what you did. Yeah, you totally deserve to be punished.
5:02 p.m. Regular work day is over. One last order of business is to write large check to Interglalactic Business Report. Maybe even give them a Tesla or a flame thrower or whatever too.
5:03 p.m. Return to sleep pod.
I’m so horny right now, by Cedric Bigglestone.
I’m so horny right now. It’s almost weird. I hope the Taco Bell I’m eating will curb my desires, but it seems to only stoke them more. Here’s my fantasy: I am eating Taco Bell and someone comes in and wants to have sex with me.
That’s pretty much it. Whoops. Spilled some taco sauce (mild) on my pants. I need to rub it off, but that will give me a boner. Oh no. I’m rubbing. Didn’t work. Still soft. O.K. I’m out.
Editor’s note: This is why we needed that content writer to write this.
The Intergalactic Business Report spends a lot of its time writing. It’s not easy and for years we’ve been trying to find a way out of it. After seeing ads for professional content writers and bloggers who you can pay to write for you, we reached out and tried to hire someone.
We gave them a lot of specific rules and requirements for writing an IBR article, and instead of doing what they were told, they sent us back an email with all kinds of questions. We responded by inserting our answers. See the entire exchange below:
To: Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report
From: M____ S____, content writer.
Re: Article request
We wanted to touch base with you about the article you requested. We are sorry to say that we have a number of serious questions and concerns and feel this is not the kind of work we are comfortable doing at this time. We are always up for new challenges and welcome almost any new project. Yours, however, does not align well with our principles for the following reasons:
1. You asked that the article be called, “How horny I am right now,” and explained that it needed to be presented as a totally original story by me and that I also had to add my name to the title. I’m honestly not comfortable with that. You also said I’m not allowed to use a pen name or pseudonym. Why is that?
OUR ANSWER: It’s not authentic if it’s not coming from your voice and your name. We want to actually know how horny you are. Right now. Can you please tell us?
2. I was extremely weirded out by all the late-night phone calls from your staff. One of them asked me if I’d rub lotion on him. That’s totally inappropriate.
OUR ANSWER: Not if you’re writing an article about how horny you are.
3. Your second requirement was that I write the article naked. No way. Also, to your third request that you film me writing it, naked, another hard no.
OUR ANSWER: Your no is hard? How hard? Please elaborate.
4. You mentioned that the article needed to contain “references to unsanitary sex fantasies and your phone number.” I will not give out my phone number. I’m fine writing some erotica if that’s what a client needs, but as I mentioned before, I would never use my actual name.
OUR ANSWER: Our favorite nasty sex fantasy is the one where we hire a writer and they keep telling us they won’t use their actual name.
5. You wrote that payment “will be administered using Taco Bell coupons.” We accept all kinds of payment, but not that.
OUR ANSWER: Blowjobs? What?
6. You asked if you could borrow some money. We are a service that charges money, so that is impossible. Please see our answer regarding that, above.
OUR ANSWER: We are a service that asks for money. Please see our previous answer regarding that, above.
7. You wrote in a legal stipulation stating you may withhold payment if you “are too drunk to pay.” That is not acceptable from our end.
OUR ANSWER: We are currently too drunk to respond to that.
In conclusion, we wish you the best of luck with your publication and also hope you consider new and better ways of communicating with vendors and outside agencies. Please stop emailing us with new projects and ideas.
M_______ S_______, Writer____com.
Perception is reality, and it’s also a lot easier. Why spend years working and taking risks to become a bazillionaire when you can just act like one and have everyone kiss your fake ass? The Intergalactic Business Report offers you these exclusive tips on what to do and say so everyone thinks you have money.
DO THIS: Carry around a diamond-encrusted dog collar.
SAY THIS: “Has anyone seen my jaguar? Ha ha. Not my car. I’d never drive a cheap ass Jaguar. I mean my pet.”
DO THIS: Never open your mouth and look like you’re in pain.
SAY THIS: (mumbling) “I just put in four hundred thousand dollars worth of platinum teeth in my mouth and the dentist says not to open it for a week. Can you get me a shake or something?”
DO THIS: Get a bunch of fake money and count it, but far away from people, so they can’t tell. Then light it all on fire when they get closer.”
SAY THIS: “Oh, I thought you were coming over here to steal the million dollars I was counting so I burned it rather than give it to a poor criminal like you.”
DO THIS: Find the name and phone number of a local university president and write it down on a card.
SAY THIS: “If you give me a free lap dance, I’ll take care of your college education. Take this card and call this guy. He’ll hook you up.”
DO THIS: Ask if you can make an emergency phone call on someone’s cell. Then throw it into a body of water or just into the street.
SAY THIS: “Three years ago, I made so much money that I was able to throw my smart phone away and never use it again. It changed my life. Now I’ve changed yours.”
DO THIS: Take a dump in the back seat of someone’s Tesla.
SAY THIS: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you actually drove this thing. At my estate, we use these as toilets.”
DO THIS: Run up on someone and start dry humping their leg. Then looked confused when they pull away or try to hit you.
SAY THIS: “Hold on. Hold on! Huge misunderstanding. I thought you were one of my servants. Are you for hire, gentle squire?”
You’ve finally completed your email. It’s ready to go. Almost… You just need to find a way to sign off and add your name. It seems simple, but as you consider the possibilities, your anxiety takes over. Do you say, “Thanks”? Weak. Or maybe, “Sincerely”? Is this a letter you wrote to your pen pal in first grade? You want to say, “Love” but this isn’t to your mom.
So what do you do? You could just stop using email or you could listen to our recommendations for how to not only sign off with confidence, but to do it with power you aren’t qualified to wield. Below, the Intergalactic Business Report lists nine psychologically tested ways to end that email and make the recipient your bitch.
THE POWER WARNING SIGN OFF:
If you tell anyone about this, I’ll know,
THE LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE SIGN OFF:
Willing to suck your dick,
THE HIGH PRESSURE SIGN OFF:
Yes, this is a murder threat,
THE PROXIMITY REMINDER SIGN OFF:
I can be at your house in five minutes,
THE HOPELESS ROMANTIC SIGN OFF:
Willing to go to prison for love,
THE “GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE” SIGN OFF:
This email is coming from inside your house, GET OUT NOW!,
THE STRAIGHT UP HONEST SIGN OFF:
I can’t make you love me, but I can hold you in my basement,
THE MYSTERIOUS SIGN OFF:
No one wants to see dead kittens so don’t test me,
THE REFERENCE TO A RAP SONG THAT DOESN’T EXIST SIGN OFF:
Money, bitches, mint chocolate chip ice cream,
IBR year in review. We defied the critics by keeping you informed while staying drunk for an entire year.
Usually when the Intergalactic Business Report does a year in review article, our purpose is to recycle old stories you never read and link to them so you’ll think about clicking but don’t because why? Come to think of it, why does anyone ever read any “year in review” article? The year just ended. Did you already forget what happened? If you did, you may need a “day in review” article and it should include a lot of stuff about whether you already used the bathroom and put on clothes because that would be useful we’re guessing.
Anyway… Here’s our year in review:
We began 2020 in a blissful, Coronavirus- is-a-joke-about-Corona-beer-ha-ha state, so we focused on helping our beloved Gary Vaynerchuck with his messaging; making an impassioned plea for who should really get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; and informing you about the seven mistakes you may be making when you wipe your butt, which became extremely valuable during the butt-wiping crisis of subsequent months.
By March, IBR got serious about COVID-19 with its award-winning coverage of the pandemic. We started with insightful pieces about how corporations were addressing the issue and what the Coronavirus had wiped out forever in our culture.
But we went further than just reporting. We also actively searched for and found solutions. Writer Ed Mountaineer tried to beat the virus by becoming the dirtiest man on the planet, and we even contacted an alien race for help. We exposed the “hot beef injection” vaccine scam, and even discovered that Hawaiian Punch may be better than a vaccine. Finally, we found that the cure for the virus may be either shutting the fuck up or ending our tradition of breathing.
Along the way, we won awards; opened a controversial merch store; reported on the massive increase in the U.S. masturbation rate; and established our own autonomous zone where we are immune to all laws and judgment. We also finally called out actor Ryan Reynolds for his existence and the country of Germany for its ongoing attitude that it’s better than us.
Our greatest accomplishment came when our readership finally passed the 436 Trillion mark, making us the most viewed publication in the universe.
We thank you, our loyal subjects, for your continued interest and patience. We believe that 2021 will be a year of magic and delight and we can’t wait to get started.* Until then, don’t just click on the links above. Look through our archives, store, and thought-provoking memes and start becoming a better person today.
*We wrote this before it started. Whoops. It sucks already.
2020 was a year of Zoom calls and remote work. If you were smart, you honed your out-of-office communications skills to help you thrive in this new environment. If you didn’t, you may be struggling to communicate effectively.
In an effort to preserve your employment, the Intergalactic Business Report shows you what you need to stop saying in your emails because it could cost you your job. Before you hit “send,” make sure your missive doesn’t contain any of these eight job-ending phrases:
1. “Fire me. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate this job. Fire me.”
2. “I am smearing a booger on the screen as I write this to you. Wish you could see it. The booger represents how much I hate this job and how much I wish you would just fire me.”
3. “If you don’t fire me instantly, I will burn down your house. Just kidding. Not about the firing part. Or the burning down your house part. Please fire me.”
4. “As I conclude this email, I want to add that I think you are a devious pecker licker. Just wanted to get that in there. Fire me.”
5. "Oohh. I'm a pervert. I'm a dirty pervert. I expose myself to people in public parks. My goal for this year is to take my penis out at work and put it on people's keyboards when they're not looking. Just thought I'd tell you that. Attached is the report you requested. Let me know if you have any questions about that or about how much of a sexual deviant I am and that you want to fire me."
6. “I haven’t embezzled money from the company yet because I don’t know how. But if I figure it out, I’ll do it. And I’ll sell files to the Chinese or whoever too. Hope that’s cool. No? Am I fired?”
7. “Lastly, if you don’t fire me right now, I will take a dump in your filing cabinet. And if you don’t have one of those, I guess I’ll do it on your computer? Because that’s like a filing cabinet now, in the future or wherever we are? Anyway, fire me.”
8. “Your wife told me you should fire me when she was spotting for me during auto erotic asphyxiation. I think she’s right. What do you think?”
Some stark advice for my boss. Will he actually follow it and become a real leader? By Rory Flatbush.
I hate when people write anonymous articles so I’m using my real name. Yes, my boss will probably read this. And yes, I stand a chance of getting fired when he does. But if I’m going down, I’m going to do it honestly. That’s why I chose to write this in an online publication called the Intergalactic Business Report that holds to the highest standards of decency and truth.
So, boss, this is for you. Please read all the way to the end, even if you get frustrated or upset before then. Believe me, this is for your own good.
I’ve stayed up nights, sometimes every night for weeks, thinking about what I would say to you if I could really speak freely. And yes, this may have contributed to a meth addiction, which is kind of your fault, if you think about it. And yes, I spent a lot of that time watching porn and drinking and trading crypto currency for Asian massages. And yes, I can’t remember exactly what point I was making with that.
The main thing is that I feel like you ruined my career by being part of it. If I had been lucky enough to get a “cool” boss (basically the opposite of you), then I would probably be a well-rounded employee who doesn’t steal computer software and women’s scarves from his office. But I wasn’t that fortunate. Let me go back to the first day you hired me.
You said, “We’d like to offer you the job.” I said, “Great. I can’t wait and I’m very excited to start contributing to the team.” That was a lie even though I didn’t know it at the time. My question now is why didn’t you say, “You can come to work here, but don’t expect it to be perfect. In fact, count on developing a meth addiction and getting arrested all the time for showing your dick to people at the bus stop.” That would have been a far better and more accurate introduction to life at your company.
At my annual review, you said, “Rory, you haven’t been reaching any of your metrics. And you’ve called in sick thirty-seven times in the last two months.” Then you added this crap: “Can I help you? Are you going through something? I’m here to listen.”
If you really wanted to help me you could have given me an expensive and rare gold coin that I could sell on Ebay or something. Maybe you could have set me up with some daughter you have or just flat out offered me drugs. But you only offered words. Stupid, silly words.
So here’s my advice to you, my boss.
1. Have gold coins you hand to employees.
2. Stop talking.
3. Don’t point out things like how many days I didn’t show up for work.
4. Start a fund for employees where they can take money out of a jar with no questions asked. Keep the jar full.
5. Make a virtual version of that jar too, so staff can access it even if they aren’t in the office and are sick or whatever.
6. Start a program where team members can be undercover agents who infiltrate crack houses and need to do drugs to prove they’re not cops.
7. Have a thing where it’s good if you show your dick to people in public places. Like so good you get a promotion if you do it enough.
8. Have another thing where instead of an annual review you do a “paycheck guarantee,” which means you give paychecks to people without “reviewing” their “performance.” This will instill pride and loyalty.
9. Finally, end the stigma of sex work by employing sex workers to do stuff around the office, like have sex probably, although I’m sure there are other things they can do, like clean.
Sincerely, Rory Flatbush*
*Not my real name.
The only business news in the universe that matters.