You’re having a rough day at work and you wonder if it’s time to move on. But what if you’re wrong and this is the place you’re meant to be? Don’t let indecision stop you from making a life-changing decision. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you definitively when it’s time to walk away. These signs may be subtle, but they are clear indicators that you need to quit today.
1. When you wake up, a guy is lying with you in bed and says, “Quit your job,” and then he does the thing where he pantomime slits his own throat, meaning that he’s going to slit yours? We never understood how that works.
2. When you enter your office, several skeletons rise and escort you to your desk.
3. The VP for Human Resources makes it very clear you need to suck her dick or you won’t get a promotion.
4. A dead prostitute falls on you when you try to hang up your coat.
5. In your break room, a man points a gun, instructs you to finish his fruit loops, pushes the bowl towards you, and when someone else enters the room he quickly hides the gun, pulls the bowl back, and just keeps eating.
6. Your new office has a hot tub with a turd floating in it.
7. Your caller ID says you have 347 messages from the Mafia.
8. When you enter the restroom, you hear the door lock behind you.
9. Nobody is allowed to have a name except your boss, Jesus Number Two.
The Coronavirus pandemic has changed the way we all work, making many white-collar jobs remote and clearing out office buildings everywhere. For the foreseeable future, many of us will be at home, Skyping, Zooming, emailing, and texting our ways to the next performance review.
Just a year ago, you probably knew when it was time to quit and move on from your job. Whether it was a long commute, a cramped office, or even colleagues who diminish you, it was clear you needed to find something new. But how do you know today?
The Intergalactic Business Report reveals the 6 signs it’s time to leave your remote job today.
1. The volume on your computer is messed up. Even when you crank it all the way up, it sounds the same and you have trouble hearing what people are saying.
2. It’s inefficient to toggle between online porn and your Zoom call and sometimes you miss a prime scene because you are distracted by your boss telling you something that you can’t really hear because you’re blasting the porn as loud as possible, which is probably what your boss is telling you but fuck him.
3. You try to touch people during a meeting but when you do you just smudge your computer screen. The people also seem smaller than in real life.
4. Co-workers don’t like the “talking penis” thing you do instead of showing your face.
5. Co-workers don’t like when they Face Time you and can only see a black screen but then you pan out to reveal it’s your butthole.
6. People at your office don’t appreciate the “functioning” part of being a “functioning alcoholic” and you have to constantly explain it to them.
Remote work has increased American masturbation rate by 9000%. Believe it or not, that’s not a good thing.
In a report that can only be described as “seemingly great news that turns dark quickly” the Intergalactic Business Report has learned that America’s masturbation rate has increased to all-time high levels, which could also prove dangerous for the future of our country.
While most people are initially thrilled to learn that Americans are outpacing all other countries with not only per capita but also total masturbation, science is predicting some potentially threatening ramifications from this success.
Below, we break down for our readers how this crisis is playing out and what they can do about it.*
COVID-19 appeared in the U.S. in the early months of 2020, initiating a nationwide shutdown of non-essential businesses, including educational institutions and restaurants. Many traditional office environments shifted to remote work and meetings, while schools offered completely online curricula. Several minutes after this happened, people starting whacking it harder than ever before.
HISTORIC MASTURBATION RECORDS BROKEN
To get an idea of the masturbation rate in a normal year, picture someone going to work all day with limited opportunities to whip out his junk and beat his meat stick. A typical American worker would probably be able to pull off one or maybe two meat beatings before returning home and perhaps jacking it once or twice more before succumbing to sleep. This masturbation rate would be calculated by scientists as about 3.2, meaning the average U.S. worker pounds his dong 3.2 times in a day. The rate today is 28,800, an increase of almost 9,000 percent.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
Generally, most Americans found that when they weren’t required to go into work, they could masturbate indefinitely. No train rides. No commutes. No in-person meetings. Just pure whacking off. All. The. Time.
HOW HAVE OTHER COUNTRIES FARED?
Most other nations saw a drop in masturbations compared with the United States. Germany, for instance, went from a .06 to a .02, while Japan** went from 30,436 to 27,600, just below us. Health officials attribute this to better planning and government action during the COVID crisis.
WHAT DOES A HIGH MASTURBATION RATE MEAN?
If you jack yourself almost thirty thousand times a day, you will probably die or at least shave your genitals down to nothing, thus eliminating normal reproduction and causing an extinction event for your nation.
IS THAT BAD?
It could be. Some experts believe that holding the all-time masturbation record is more important than continuing the human race. It’s a matter of perspective and what you hold most important as a culture.
GROUPS THAT INCREASED THE RATE MOST
Unemployed waiters led all Americans, but other groups such as Sunglass Hut employees and Jack in the Box*** executives were close behind.
* We don’t really have that information. Sorry.
** Japanese workers were allowed to masturbate at work before the pandemic.
*** Not the restaurant chain.
Office flirtation can be tricky, and sometimes it’s hard to draw the line between innocent banter and soft seduction. Is the new assistant director into you? Or is she just super friendly? Does your work buddy want more than a work relationship? Or is she just being nice?
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you how to know for sure if a female colleague is trying to tell you she’s interested. These signs may be subtle, so pay attention to them carefully.
1. She smiles whenever you’re around.
2. She always finds a reason to talk to you.
3. She suggests you go to the unisex bathroom so you can fuck each other.
4. She asks for your help on projects.
5. She texts you outside of work.
6. She mentions during a lunch meeting that the food is pretty good, but she’s always wondered what your dick tasted like.
7. She wears “flirty” clothes and asks you about your plans for the weekend.
8. She laughs at your jokes and tells you how funny you are.
9. She follows you home and when you get there you see her just staring at you and you get out of your car and walk over and ask her what she’s doing there and she asks you if you want to go inside and have sex with her.
10. She sits next to you in team meetings.
11. She says things like, “Let’s fuck” or “Let’s go somewhere so we can fuck” or “Let’s fuck on your desk.”
When you’ve worked somewhere long enough, you let your guard down a bit and may not be as “professional” as you were the first day on the job. While it can be healthful to be relaxed and comfortable at the office, experts at the Intergalactic Business Report now warn that when you get too relaxed you may be exhibiting these 9 toxic behaviors without even realizing it.
If you do any of these to your co-workers, team, boss, or employees, they may all secretly hate you. We list them below:
1. Inviting them to meetings where it’s just you and you don’t say anything no matter what, until they finally leave.
2. Throwing live beehives or hornet nests into their office and then barricading their door.
3. Forcing yourself to throw up on their desk during one on one meetings.
4. Flinging poo, chasing after it, and then eating it.
5. Calling the mafia on them.
6. Starting a rumor that they were a confederate general, and when people say, “That’s impossible,” you just say, “Yeah, I know. I didn’t believe it at first either.”
7. Saying you need to make a phone call and then using your penis to dial.
8. Adopting children in their name.
9. Following them on vacation and then when they say, “Hey, Phil? Is that you?” you mug them.
Ever wonder what the greatest business minds in the world talk about when the cameras aren't on? The Intergalactic Business Report overheard Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos while they were having lunch. Below is the crazy story of how it happened as well as a full transcript of the conversation.
A few days ago, an IBR writer was eating at a McDonalds when he noticed Bezos and Gates at a nearby table. Trained to memorize words and things people say, he transcribed their interaction entirely in his head.
THE FULL TRANSCRIPT:
JEFF BEZOS: Hey, man.
BILL GATES: What?
JEFF BEZOS: Nothing. I just said hey.
BILL GATES: Hey.
JEFF BEZOS: You want those fries?
BILL GATES: I fucking ordered them. So yeah. I want em.
JEFF BEZOS: Why you being suck a dick?
BILL GATES: I’m not being a dick. I just wanna eat my fucking lunch.
JEFF BEZOS: Fine…
BILL GATES: Cool.
JEFF BEZOS: So we’re not gonna talk or anything?
BILL GATES: We are talking.
JEFF BEZOS: Is something wrong? I mean, just tell me.
BILL GATES: Nothing.
JEFF BEZOS: Nothing?
BILL GATES: I don’t know.
JEFF BEZOS: Just tell me man.
BILL GATES: It’s just that…
JEFF BEZOS: What?
BILL GATES: Just computers and shit.
JEFF BEZOS: Oh…
BILL GATES: Yeah… I mean all the fucking time.
JEFF BEZOS: I know man. For me it’s selling shit online. All that shit.
BILL GATES: Why is it every time I tell you about my problems, you start talking about your fucking problems?
JEFF BEZOS: I was just trying to relate to you or whatever.
BILL GATES: Fuck off. This is why I hate eating fucking lunch with you.
JEFF BEZOS: I fucking hate you.
BILL GATES: Eat my fucking fries! You’ve been staring at them for twenty fucking minutes.
(Jeff ate the fries. They kind of stopped talking after that.)
Recently, Ed Mountaineer mentioned he’s looking for work. We found his résumé and are posting it below. If you would like to hire him, please contact him at email@example.com.
Expert funnel cake fucker.
PHD/year of the rat (Chinese Calendar)
School of Life/majored in Funnel Cake erotica and Business Management.
Was supposed to manage a food stand at a traveling carnival. Ending up having sex with the funnel cakes instead.
St. Louis Funnel Cake Factory
Was supposed to help make funnel cakes. I did. But instead of packaging them for sale, I fucked them.
I lurk in the alley behind the bakery and wait to see if they throw out any funnel cakes. If they do, well, you can guess what happens next.
Central Intelligence Agency
Covert agent assigned to locating funnel cakes. Then having sex with them.
Awards and Acknowledgements
Funnel cake lover award/lifetime achievement
Awarded to a person who devotes his entire life to loving funnel cakes.
Funnel cake adult movie award/runner up
My self-made film, Funnel of Love, won second place in the first annual film festival entirely made up in someone’s mind.
Available if you give me a funnel cake. Please contact me for a drop point and instructions.
You may consider yourself a hustler—always the smartest one in the room. But did you know there are some common phrases you use all the time that make you a mark for con artists, unscrupulous sales people, and perverts?
The Intergalactic Business Report saves your ass again, by shining a light on the 7 things you say all the time that you need to stop saying now before you get ripped off and taken advantage of again.
1. “Here’s all my money. No. I don’t want to know what it’s for.”
2. “I don’t think it’s necessary to wear a condom. My penis is magic because I put a protection spell on it.”
3. “Are you really God?”
4. “My mama told me Fritos is good for you.”
5. “Sure. You can tie me up.”
6. “Okay, but come back when you double my money.”
7. “Your phone number is the same as my bank account number? That’s impossible. Who’s phone number is 061550836 2311864155?”
With 436 trillion readers, the Intergalactic Business Report doesn’t have to worry about how many Facebook, Instagram, or Grinder followers it has. But you do. That’s why we’ve decided to unlock the secrets to getting likes, shares, and follows on a level you probably can’t even understand.
In a world of noise, clutter, and attention seeking narcissists, it’s difficult to break through and let everyone on the planet know that your narcissism is more important than theirs. Below, we give you 7 tips you can use today to gain millions of followers in an instant.
Post content so important that people feel they need to see it or they’ll die.
Ask yourself this simple question: If you had a choice between clicking on something and dying, would you do it?
Never post anything that won’t get at least a million views.
We hold really firm on this one. If it will only get 700,000 views, you’re doing something wrong. Keep re-working it till it gets to a million. You’ll thank us for it.
Create a magic wand that when you wave it, people become your zombie slaves. Now wave it on your social media pages.
This is probably the most obvious advice, but you’d be surprised how few people do it.
Combine all the Instagram accounts in the world and make them into one account. Then make that your account.
This only works for Instagram, so don’t try it with Facebook, or Tumblr, etc.
Build a lair and capture the world’s biggest social media influencers. Tell them to follow you. If they don’t, they stay in your lair.
You don’t even need your lair to be that great. It could be your basement.
Film yourself removing your head and then putting it back on. Then post it.
But only if it will get a million plus views. See above.
Shift between alternate universes and stop on the one where you have a million followers.
We recommend you do this fast enough in case you stop in the one where you’re Hitler and they arrest you.
With Zoom calls quickly replacing actual work or social interactions, many readers are asking us for guidelines about how to behave as we watch people in boxes on our computer screens and phones.
“Zoomiquette,” which is a name someone probably already made up and wrote a book about, is how you should act when on a call, especially if it’s for work. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you what you should never wear on a business Zoom call. You may be surprised.
WHAT TO NEVER WEAR ON A BUSINESS ZOOM CALL:
1. Clothing celebrating porn stars or pornography in general. For example: “I love porn” tee-shirts.
2. Anything depicting Satan worship, like a visible upside-down cross, blood stains on your face, robes you usually wear for goat-killing rituals or human sacrifice, or Phil Collins concert tee-shirts.
3. Evidence that you moonlight as a clown. This is basically common sense. Don’t wear clown makeup or your “uniform.” Wear regular shoes. Even if you think they can’t see them. People can tell.
4. 16th or 15th century monastic gowns. You may have good intentions, but they look spooky to most people.
5. Fake nipples. Even if they look better than your real ones.
6. Cod pieces. These can draw attention to your crotch.
7. A smaller human being who rides on your back, á la Master Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
8. An operating vibrator attached to your forehead with duct tape.
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