CEO fired for taking drugs to boost his performance. We print his apology letter to his board and employees.
Drugs. Do they help or hurt us? This has been the ongoing question since the first time you sniffed glue and passed out in your basement. Experts have argued for years over the possible benefits of hallucinogenic drugs and, recently, a startup CEO was fired for taking LSD to “boost his performance.” This story is not about that guy.
Instead, we focus on CEO Brandon De Florian of Stripf Brands, a multi-national conglomerate. Last month, De Florian was also terminated for his rampant drug use that he also claimed served to enhance his focus and performance as the leader of the corporation. Following his departure, he released a letter to his board and employees. We have reprinted it below:
Dear Stripf employees and members of the Stripf Board:
It is with great sorrow that I write this letter to you. As you know by now, I was asked to leave my position as CEO of Stripf Brands following a disagreement about my use of performance enhancing tools that I believe benefited our company. I am writing today to tell my side of the story.
First, I fully admit to taking “drugs,” which I consider a derogatory and loaded term our culture has devised to make helpful, scientific chemicals seem somehow dangerous and unnatural. This is a stigma I don’t believe I can overcome in a few paragraphs of argument. I can, however, explain my successes in recent years that I can attribute directly to my “drug” use.
Let me begin with my decision to require upper echelon management to identify themselves as law enforcement in case they were on some kind of undercover operation designed to “bust” me. It is my understanding that police must tell you that they are cops. So this was just a legal precaution and nothing else. Taking legal precautions is a good thing and something you’d think a CEO would do all the time, which is what I was doing.
I also received criticism for my conversations with ghost Leprechauns whom I simply used as outside advisors. Many people in my position hire consultants and outside help because internal opinions can be very short-sighted and support the status quo. Ghost Leprechauns like Seamus O’Herlihy and JT Biggins were disinterested and objective sources who gave me insights only dead Leprechauns could. I ask that you keep an open mind on this one.
Further vitriol and misunderstanding came from our board and some team members when I started the Pot of Gold Initiative, requiring my bonus to be $12.5 Million in lottery tickets and that a new division be formed to scratch them off and find the treasure within them. I regret that the company costs for this exceeded $14 million when you count in the employee salaries, including hiring a new Vice-President for ticket scratching and the fact that only $500 (rounded up) was earned by the tickets since most winnings were used to purchase more tickets till we only had $475 left and then I got fired.
While the Pot of Gold Initiative (or POTI) may have looked unorthodox to many of you, what you didn’t see were the two ghost Leprechauns who would appear to me in my nightmares to encourage me to continue the mission. JT Biggins threatened to kill all of you if I didn’t keep doing it and Seamus O’Herlihy, who seemed to take the “good cop” role, promised more riches if I just stayed the course.
I’m sure you can understand that the prospect of losing all of you coupled with the allure of a $400 trillion payout (yes, that’s what they promised) put me in a difficult situation and, honestly, you are all alive, so part of my plan worked. If we had made the $400 trillion, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now.
The meth. Let me get in front of that one too. Yes, I took meth, but once most of my teeth fell out, I quit, which I could have done at any time but chose to do when I had no teeth.
Another charge against me was the clown outfits I wore and the screaming. I have a loud voice. Always have. And I think it was something people didn’t notice till I started dressing as a clown (my choice) and voicing my opinions at surprise plant visits and annual stockholder meetings. I think if you check the actual volume of my speech, it could be described as loud yelling, rather than “screaming.”
I should not have tried to fly the company jet. I am not a pilot. I am fully admitting this. I think a lot of us have fantasized about being able to fly and I gave in to that fantasy in a weak moment as our pilots desperately tried to land our plane during a snowstorm and I felt the clouds were making evil snowmen who were damaging the wings. Those pilots are heroes, and I was trying to help them both fight off the snowmen and also fly the plane. I call that being helpful in a crisis. I’m sorry that many of you see it differently.
Let me just finish this by saying something one of my mentors, JT Biggins, once told me. He said, “Beg for your life, Brandon! Or this old Leprechaun will slit yer throat!” That’s the kind of pressure I was under and still am. But I’m willing to do that for you, even if I don’t work there anymore. (I screamed this entire letter, but you can’t tell, by the way.)
One last thing. Marty? Is that your name? Sorry about appearing in the back seat of your car that time. I was trying to sleep. Not murder you like I said.
I bid thee farewell,
Brandon De Florian, former CEO, Stripf Brands
Inspired by “Undercover Billionaire,” legendary businessman Hody Granger ups the game. Can he make a million in one week?
On Discovery Channel’s “Undercover Billionaire,” mega-wealthy entrepreneurs have 90 days to make a million dollars and prove they can make massive success out of practically nothing. Starting with just a beat-up car, their phone, and a hundred dollars, these crafty money-makers must go totally incognito and find ways to build an income and start enterprises that prove out the power of their hustle.
The Intergalactic Business Report thought all of that was pussy. So it asked it’s own business columnist and entrepreneurial genius Hody Granger to take the same challenge—only this time it was with 20 dollars, a bicycle, a beeper, and only one week to make that million. We dropped him off in the rust belt town of Lenore, Indiana and let him do his thing. Below, we chart out Hody’s path to success with his day-to-day diary.
A van drops me and my bike off somewhere in Indiana. I pedal my way to a public park to see if I can find a place to begin my work and maybe catch a few minutes of sleep. The city is small and I am able to find a nice town square, which will be perfect, since it is near the center of business. I find a bench and sit down.
One main problem with the rules the Intergalactic Business Report have given me is that I don’t get a phone. I do have a beeper. But that’s just for people to call me, and since I don’t have a phone, I can’t really call them back. But I didn’t become a legendary entrepreneur by making excuses. Instead, my mind is already generating several money-making ideas.
TIP FROM HODY: “Always be thinking of new ways to make money. Don’t let your mind stop churning. Your next idea may be your best one.”
The first night was kind of rough. I slept on the bench and someone stole my bike. I was also woken up to see if I wanted to have sex by some street people and a guy in a suit who said he’d pay. I laughed and told him I wasn’t into that kind of business proposition!
I have an idea for how to make money. I will approach local businesses and see if they need anyone to clean their warehouses, store rooms, or even toilets. I need to start a base of income to build from.
TIP FROM HODY: “Don’t be afraid of hard work and never think anything is beneath you. Money is money. If you have to clean toilets, clean toilets.”
I talk to fourteen businesses and none of them are hiring, even to clean toilets. I suggest to one of them that I could clean their toilets for free. They ask, “Why would you want to do that?” And I answer, “Just for something to do I guess?”
TIP FROM HODY: “You can offer services for free just to show people you’re not afraid to get your hands dirty. Prove to them that you’re worth their time and money and you’ll get a return.”
My twenty dollars is gone. I spent it on a potato, some gum, beef jerky, and some wonder bread. Beef jerky is fucking expensive. Why the fuck did I buy that? How the fuck is doing whatever they do to make beef jerky make it cost so much? There’s no way they’re not totally over-charging. Wait… A new business idea—I can make my own beef jerky and turn it into a million-dollar business in the next three days!
TIP FROM HODY: “Remember that your million-dollar idea can hit you in one second. Wait for it. It’s coming!”
I’m fucking starving. And that dude in the suit keeps coming back to see if I want to suck his dick. He says he’ll pay twenty bucks. That’s exactly what I started with. But I’m not into sucking guys’ dicks for money! That’s what prostitutes and women I date do! Not me!
TIP FROM HODY: “If you ever have to suck someone’s dick for money, cup the balls. You may get a return customer.”
I have no idea how to make beef jerky. But I am able to put another man’s penis in my mouth and do stuff like that. I guess that’s where I am now. The beeper’s come in handy because people can call it and let me know they’re heading down to the park. It’s blowing up. There might be a line tonight. Better do my mouth exercises.
TIP FROM HODY: “Keep your overhead low. If you suck a dick for twenty dollars in a public park, make sure you’re not spending over twenty dollars a day on other stuff, like beef jerky.”
DAY SEVEN (FINAL DAY!):
I’m excited to see if I’ve reached my goal. It’s been a long journey and one I’ll never forget. As I look back to that first night I spent in the park, I see I’ve come a long way and had to rethink a lot of things I thought about life. Like, for instance, I never thought I’d suck dicks for money.
But the main question remains… Did I make a million dollars in a week?
I made one hundred and seventy-nine dollars for nine blow jobs (one guy only had nineteen dollars) and I sold zero sticks of beef jerky because I gave up on that idea like the first day I thought of it.
I still feel I won the challenge because I was able to value my business at a million dollars, even though I only had about $180 in actual cash. I’m pretty sure one of my customers said my mouth was worth a million dollars or something like that.
TIP FROM HODY: “There’s no one on that ‘Undercover Billionaire’ show who would suck a dick to make money. They’re soft and I’m hard.”
Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
As more Americans consider the true cost of education, an astounding new study by the Intergalactic Business Report confirms that getting a university business degree may not be cost-effective when compared to these nine alternatives.
Should you spend tens of thousands of dollars studying four years (or more) at college? Or should you consider getting one of these instead?
1. An original Rembrandt painting.
One of these can go for as much as $33 million dollars. The cost of an elite college education could be as much as $400,000 when you add in housing and food. Even if your first job out of college paid $100,000 a year, it would take you almost 350 years to make as much as the painting. Winner: Rembrandt painting. Loser: college education.
2. A businessman who works just for you and who is also a multi-billionaire.
Why go to school to learn business when you can have a guy who went there for you? Now he works for you and you just sit there or go on expensive vacations or watch t.v. or whatever. Since he’s a multi-billionaire and basically belongs to you, you can just request that he writes you checks and signs over all his business holdings so that they are now yours. This is the epitome of “street smarts” over “book smarts.”
3. A monkey who makes counterfeit money better than the best counterfeiters in the world.
While this one is technically “illegal,” the monkey doesn’t understand what it’s doing so that provides you some kind of excuse when you get busted. It’s probably best, in fact, that you and the monkey don’t discuss anything at all about how he’s coming up with all the cash. The less you know the better. Just take the money and then keep taking it. When the feds arrive it’s just you and a monkey. And a bunch of money. Act like you don’t know what’s going on, which you won’t as long as you never ask the monkey where he’s getting the hundred-dollar bills.
4. A re-usable lottery ticket that’s always right.
If you can get your hands on one of these it can be worth a lot of money because every time there’s a lottery, you can just use this ticket and win. Some lotteries can be worth hundreds of millions of dollars. So why go to college?
5. A golden penis that can be melted down and sold for money.
Just make sure it isn’t your penis, because then it will be gone after you melt it down. Also, make sure it’s huge, because a small penis may only be a few ounces, which won’t really get you a lot of money. This is, admittedly, one of the riskier options if you decide not to go to business school.
6. Three million dollars.
A lot of people ask, “Why not four million dollars?” or even five? We think three million.
7. A sonic trumpet that emits a world-deafening noise every time you play it.
Just say, “Hey, I’ll stop playing it if you give me like 80 trillion dollars” and see what the world leaders do. If you went to business school instead, you’d probably be asking your boss for a raise and he’d tell you about a bunch of shit you need to “work on” first.
8. A silver penis that can be melted down and sold for money.
Similar to number 5 (above), this is the same thing only with a less valuable metal. So make sure the dick is super super big to make up for the difference.
9. A ghost pirate who can walk through walls and threaten people.
There’s still something scary about pirates and ghosts and if you can get one of these guys on your side, he can approach almost anyone (because he can walk through their walls) and make them miserable. Then you can tell those people that you can control the pirate and they’ll be like, “O.K. How much do you want to call him off?” and you just smile and pass them a piece of paper with a number on it and wait for them to look shocked but then agree.
If you didn’t learn table manners growing up, you probably struggle to find the right fork and where to put your napkin when you are at high-powered business functions where people eat. Unfortunately, eating is the least of your problems.
You may not realize it, but the things you say during a business lunch or dinner can have an enormous impact on your career. Gestures, words, and even the way you shake hands are all indicators of your professional intelligence and can either propel you to the board room or expel you to the mail room. As part of its elite business etiquette training program, the Intergalactic Business Report shows you what you’re saying wrong at corporate meals that may be killing your career.
1. “Can I take my pants off now that I sat down?”
2. “Don’t fucking eyeball me, Todd. I will fucking prison fuck you.”
3. “’Scuse me while I disappear under the table to go looking for some fresh dick.”
4. “You look disease free, Milton. I guess you and your mom don’t have other partners?”
5. “I’ve always wondered, Walter, if that look on your face is from advanced syphilis or if you’re just about to die. Wait. No, you’re still alive.”
7. “Me go poopy in my pants. Can someone get a waiter to clean this shit up?”
8. “My name is Kevin and I’m here to say, eatin’ corporate lunches is the only way… Uh huh… Uh huh… Can someone fucking beatbox? Jesus. I’m all alone here.”
9. “Do I grab somebody’s cock under the table or do they grab mine? Or both. I’m sorry, I’m new.”
10. “Hey Milton, I invited your mom to join us. Because I kind of felt like an orgy. Just kidding. I like having sex with your mom alone.”
11. “They say cocaine and alcohol are totally different drugs but right now, I feel like they’re the same.”
A job description is your entry point into the world and culture of a company or organization, so make sure you pay attention to the nuances, subtleties, and key words it is projecting. In its most extensive analysis ever of human resources language and lingo, the Intergalactic Business Report identifies nine certain warning signs in a position description and even job title. We list them below:
9 job description warning signs.
When potential employers use this phrase, they are euphemistically hiding a toxic, chaotic workplace. It is easier to say “fast-paced” than “out-of-control.”
2.“We don’t ask employees to suck our dicks.”
Then why say that? If a hiring agent states this up front then there was likely a serious dick sucking problem at the office in the recent past.
3.“Comfort with abusive prison situations a plus.”
Don’t fall for this one. You may feel you can handle an abusive prison situation, but this is purposely phrased to be very broad and could include all manner of abusive situations. Ask yourself: “Am I really comfortable in an abusive prison situation?” If the answer is No, then move on to the next job description.
4.“Must suck dicks daily.”
Companies often use this phrase if sucking dicks is a large part of the job. Many job-seekers gloss over this and continue reading the description for benefits and sick leave, but don’t ignore this. It means you will be sucking dicks. Daily.
5.“No pay for dees job. You do it free. Good? Then you hired.”
Who would hire someone in a job description, without ever even meeting them? Think about that for a second. Also, it sounds like they don’t pay you.
6.“Size of asshole must be verified before an offer will be made.”
You need to ask yourself why a potential employer would need to measure your asshole before hiring you.
7.“Limited compensation for those not willing to join clowning guild.”
We’ve seen this one a lot lately and fear it has something to do with clowns.
8.“Are you a motivated, self-starter, who has an executive presence? Want to suck some dicks? We’re looking for someone who will grow with our company.”
Again, the dick sucking requirement is buried in the text. You have to read this stuff carefully.
9.“Salary commensurate with experience. Sucking dicks.”
See what they did? If you hadn’t read this article you’d probably be out there sucking dicks.
In 2019, most people thought 2020 would be great. They were wrong. Except for one guy, who predicted how much it would suck. He also has a weird beard that’s grey, which means he has wisdom and stuff.
Who is this guy? And how can he predict everything bad that happens? We sat down with him to find out.
INTERVIEWER: I’m going to start out by saying I’ve seen you all over the internet and you have a grey beard and you look mystical or something.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Yes, that sounds like a description of me. Although I’m not mystical.
INTERVIEWER: So you predicted everything that was going to happen in 2020? Are you like Nostradamus or something?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I’m more like a financial guy who sees trends in money and stocks and that kind of thing.
INTERVIEWER: Nostradamus couldn’t do that?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I have no idea.
INTERVIEWER: I thought you knew everything.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I know a lot about financial markets and I could see a trend taking place when the Coronavirus surfaced in early 2020.
INTERVIEWER: O.K. You saw a trend. What did Nostradamus say?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I don’t understand.
INTERVIEWER: You don’t understand the question?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: No. I don’t. I’m not Nostradamus. Nostradamus died hundreds of years ago.
INTERVIEWER: I didn’t say you were Nostradamus.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: O.K.
INTERVIEWER: I asked you what Nostradamus said about 2020.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I don’t know.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. You really don’t know shit, do you?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: All right. I’m starting to think this interview was maybe not what I thought it was going to be.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, so your prediction about it was wrong?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I’m going to explain this once and for all. I am not a psychic or soothsayer or whatever Nostradamus was. I’m a financial analyst. I didn’t predict 2020 and everything that happened this past year. I just have some financial advice based on trends I’ve seen. I think you’re misrepresenting me.
INTERVIEWER: O.K. Question. How much better is Nostradamus than you? He didn’t have any problem predicting anything. You seem to struggle endlessly.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Are we going to talk about financial markets?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I have some advice about how to invest smartly in the coming year. I’d start with…
INTERVIEWER: Oh, hey, hold up one sec.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Yes?
INTERVIEWER: What am I holding behind my back right now?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I can’t see.
INTERVIEWER: No. I’m asking you to use your mind to see what’s there.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I can’t do that.
INTERVIEWER: And yet you used your mind to see what was going to happen with financial markets or whatever?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Well, yes, but…
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: What?
INTERVIEWER: Checkmate. As in I win and you miserably lose.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Do you realize this is a paid advertisement we’re doing? I paid you for this interview. Do you get that?
INTERVIEWER: Hold on.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: This is terrible.
INTERVIEWER: Randy! Randy! Did he pay for this?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Yes, I paid for this. You’re supposed to say stuff like, “Wow” and, “How do I learn more?” And then I direct you to my newsletter and Web site.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I think this was a mistake. I’m going to leave.
INTERVIEWER: Hold on. I think if we end this now the audience is going to be confused.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Audience? You’re not printing this.
INTERVIEWER: I’m not?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Not unless you want a fucking lawsuit.
INTERVIEWER: Can I just say something?
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: What?
INTERVIEWER: I thought you’d be a lot cooler than this.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Fuck you.
INTERVIEWER: Right there. Proving my point.
MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I’m expecting my money back immediately. Goodbye.
INTERVIEWER: Can you at least summon a spirit or something before you leave?
Rich people. Those zany motherfuckers who can buy anything and who you want to be friends with so you can say, “Yeah, I’m friends with that dude and I’ve been in his private jet. No. Really.”
As much as you may grovel at their feet, new evidence suggests there may not be much of a difference between you and them. In fact, one of the only factors separating “normal” people from the super-rich is how each of us spends his money.
In a fascinating new development, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals the 7 things the ultra-wealthy do with their money that you can start doing too. Try these today and become the person at whose feet other people grovel.
7 strange things the ultra-wealthy do with their money, that you should try too.
1. Sometimes they go to a bank and say, “I’d like to deposit this check for one million dollars.” Maybe you should try that.
2. They use their money to buy multi-million-dollar yachts and cars that cost like $250,000. You should do that.
3. Once in a while, one of them will tell one of their servants to tell the helicopter pilot to get ready because they want to watch a football game from the sky and then they pull out a hundred-dollar bill and say, “Here. I appreciate you.” Give that a try.
4. They pay the $363,472 bill on their Amex Black Card. Get one of those and then pay your own bill.
5. In Summer, they decide to pay to have their pool house renovated so they can have an arthouse actor live there and come out occasionally to tell them stories about Klaus Kinski and Werner Herzog, because he knows them or something. Why don’t you try that? It doesn’t have to be the same guy. Just anyone really, as long as you pay for the pool house renovation.
6. When a nun tells them about terrible shit that’s happening in some other country, they write a huge check to stop the problem, because that works. You should write a huge check too. Unless you don’t care about orphans in war-torn countries.
7. They pay for “security personnel” to protect them so people don’t touch them or ask for stuff without getting brushed aside by dudes who look way too fat to actually fight but are somehow professional bodyguards. Get some of those guys for your own protection. Until then, you’ll just get touched by people.
Is it considered corporate espionage to steal the richest man in the world’s daily schedule? Seriously, if anyone's a lawyer, please let us know. Anyway, this is what we believe is an authentic, validated, stolen copy of Elon Musk’s schedule from yesterday. We have reprinted it below:
DATE: February 8, 2020.
SCHEDULE FOR ELON MUSK, Founder, CEO, lead designer, SpaceX; CEO, Tesla Incorporated.
4:30 a.m. Wake up, or sleep. It doesn’t matter. You can do whatever you want. Maybe just sleep.
5:00 a.m. Sleep with a smug look on your face.
5:30 a.m. Have a dream about how you’re talking to George Clooney and bitching him out for not doing enough. Then you apologize and it’s really weepy. Even dream George Clooney is embarrassed for you. But then you’re just eating fish tacos with Luiz Guzmán.
6:30 a.m. Wake up. Start your workout. Something where you’re on a machine no one can afford and it stimulates your muscles through science or whatever.
7:00 a.m. See what the lead story is on the Intergalactic Business Report. Nothing? Those fuckers haven’t posted anything yet.
7:03 a.m. Think about what you’re going to do today without insight from the Intergalactic Business Report.
7:14 a.m. You’ve been refreshing the Intergalactic Business Report for 11 minutes. Now someone who works for you calls. Answer it.
7:14-7:30 a.m. The person on the phone says stuff. You don’t really listen or care.
7:30-8:45 a.m. Helicopter ride! Yes! Fuck yes!
8:45 a.m. Arrive at important meeting. Hit refresh on the Intergalactic Business Report page. Still nothing.
8:45-10:30 a.m. Listen to the bullshit at the meeting. Some guy keeps saying shit. Everyone’s standing up because that’s what you make them do because it’s more efficient or something. Or is that someone else’s thing? Doesn’t matter. You’re all standing. In a bathroom. Some guy says he needs to pee. You’re like, “Go then. It’s a bathroom.” He pees for like ten minutes. Someone whispers that the dude's dick is huge. Maybe that’s how it pees for so long?
10:30 a.m. Time to eat. Did you forget? A miserable employee runs up to you with a kale shake and some other crap no human eats. You sip on it and hate him as if it’s his fault you eat this shit.
10:45 a.m. Make a funny video that everyone will laugh at. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Post it on something. No. Don’t. Consider it at least. No. Not going to post it.
11:30 a.m. Interview with important journalist. Need to come up with something super weird and provocative to say. Come on, Elon, think!
11:35 a.m. Fuck. You’re calling this in. He’s talking and you’re talking, but there’s no way this is good enough to make the news. Wait, you’re fucking Elon Musk. You can say you made a poopy in your pants and they’d think it was a Jesus proverb.
11:36 a.m. Probably shouldn’t have said you made a poopy in your pants. The journalist stopped talking and is just staring at you now.
11:37 a.m. Say you need to go because some shit happened on Mars. Run out of the room like it’s an emergency. Maybe say something in Martian or whatever.
11:38 a.m. -12:40 p.m. Motherfucking helicopter ride! Yes! Hell to the yes!
12:41 p.m. Lunch with celebrity you’ve been wanting to meet forever. Don’t forget to say how you’re a fan because that’s what you say when you meet someone like that.
12:42-1:33 p.m. Why the fuck did you schedule this? Ron Jeremy is boring as hell. He won’t stop fucking talking. Maybe ask to see his dick?
1:34 p.m. More shit on Mars. Just leave. You don’t even need to explain if you don’t want to.
1:40 p.m. Get in a Tesla someone pulled around for you. No hands driving time! Fuck yeah!!!!!
1:43 p.m. Check Intergalactic Business Report page. They have something up. You don’t get it. Is this supposed to be funny? Maybe you should just write them a check for like a billion dollars? Yes, that would make them funny. Really really consider this.
1:44-2:40 p.m. Long ride through the dessert. There are no fucking Taco Bells out here. Seriously? Consider building Taco Bells—everywhere… Next huge idea? Yes.
2:41 p.m. Roll up to secret mansion in the dessert where time-traveling demon lives.
2:42- 4:00 p.m. Beg demon for new cool information and ideas.
4:01 p.m. Leave with awesome concept about flavored buttplugs that never leave your butt and allow the user to type with cloud formations in the sky. Would have been great to have this during the interview where you said you made a poopy.
4:01- 5 p.m. Dessert walk. Time to think. Kind of like punishment but really vague, like you’re not sure what you did wrong but if you walk through the dessert long enough it’ll hit you.
5:01 p.m. Oh… So that’s what you did. Yeah, you totally deserve to be punished.
5:02 p.m. Regular work day is over. One last order of business is to write large check to Interglalactic Business Report. Maybe even give them a Tesla or a flame thrower or whatever too.
5:03 p.m. Return to sleep pod.
I’m so horny right now, by Cedric Bigglestone.
I’m so horny right now. It’s almost weird. I hope the Taco Bell I’m eating will curb my desires, but it seems to only stoke them more. Here’s my fantasy: I am eating Taco Bell and someone comes in and wants to have sex with me.
That’s pretty much it. Whoops. Spilled some taco sauce (mild) on my pants. I need to rub it off, but that will give me a boner. Oh no. I’m rubbing. Didn’t work. Still soft. O.K. I’m out.
Editor’s note: This is why we needed that content writer to write this.
The Intergalactic Business Report spends a lot of its time writing. It’s not easy and for years we’ve been trying to find a way out of it. After seeing ads for professional content writers and bloggers who you can pay to write for you, we reached out and tried to hire someone.
We gave them a lot of specific rules and requirements for writing an IBR article, and instead of doing what they were told, they sent us back an email with all kinds of questions. We responded by inserting our answers. See the entire exchange below:
To: Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report
From: M____ S____, content writer.
Re: Article request
We wanted to touch base with you about the article you requested. We are sorry to say that we have a number of serious questions and concerns and feel this is not the kind of work we are comfortable doing at this time. We are always up for new challenges and welcome almost any new project. Yours, however, does not align well with our principles for the following reasons:
1. You asked that the article be called, “How horny I am right now,” and explained that it needed to be presented as a totally original story by me and that I also had to add my name to the title. I’m honestly not comfortable with that. You also said I’m not allowed to use a pen name or pseudonym. Why is that?
OUR ANSWER: It’s not authentic if it’s not coming from your voice and your name. We want to actually know how horny you are. Right now. Can you please tell us?
2. I was extremely weirded out by all the late-night phone calls from your staff. One of them asked me if I’d rub lotion on him. That’s totally inappropriate.
OUR ANSWER: Not if you’re writing an article about how horny you are.
3. Your second requirement was that I write the article naked. No way. Also, to your third request that you film me writing it, naked, another hard no.
OUR ANSWER: Your no is hard? How hard? Please elaborate.
4. You mentioned that the article needed to contain “references to unsanitary sex fantasies and your phone number.” I will not give out my phone number. I’m fine writing some erotica if that’s what a client needs, but as I mentioned before, I would never use my actual name.
OUR ANSWER: Our favorite nasty sex fantasy is the one where we hire a writer and they keep telling us they won’t use their actual name.
5. You wrote that payment “will be administered using Taco Bell coupons.” We accept all kinds of payment, but not that.
OUR ANSWER: Blowjobs? What?
6. You asked if you could borrow some money. We are a service that charges money, so that is impossible. Please see our answer regarding that, above.
OUR ANSWER: We are a service that asks for money. Please see our previous answer regarding that, above.
7. You wrote in a legal stipulation stating you may withhold payment if you “are too drunk to pay.” That is not acceptable from our end.
OUR ANSWER: We are currently too drunk to respond to that.
In conclusion, we wish you the best of luck with your publication and also hope you consider new and better ways of communicating with vendors and outside agencies. Please stop emailing us with new projects and ideas.
M_______ S_______, Writer____com.
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