Recently, Ed Mountaineer mentioned he’s looking for work. We found his résumé and are posting it below. If you would like to hire him, please contact him at email@example.com.
Expert funnel cake fucker.
PHD/year of the rat (Chinese Calendar)
School of Life/majored in Funnel Cake erotica and Business Management.
Was supposed to manage a food stand at a traveling carnival. Ending up having sex with the funnel cakes instead.
St. Louis Funnel Cake Factory
Was supposed to help make funnel cakes. I did. But instead of packaging them for sale, I fucked them.
I lurk in the alley behind the bakery and wait to see if they throw out any funnel cakes. If they do, well, you can guess what happens next.
Central Intelligence Agency
Covert agent assigned to locating funnel cakes. Then having sex with them.
Awards and Acknowledgements
Funnel cake lover award/lifetime achievement
Awarded to a person who devotes his entire life to loving funnel cakes.
Funnel cake adult movie award/runner up
My self-made film, Funnel of Love, won second place in the first annual film festival entirely made up in someone’s mind.
Available if you give me a funnel cake. Please contact me for a drop point and instructions.
You may consider yourself a hustler—always the smartest one in the room. But did you know there are some common phrases you use all the time that make you a mark for con artists, unscrupulous sales people, and perverts?
The Intergalactic Business Report saves your ass again, by shining a light on the 7 things you say all the time that you need to stop saying now before you get ripped off and taken advantage of again.
1. “Here’s all my money. No. I don’t want to know what it’s for.”
2. “I don’t think it’s necessary to wear a condom. My penis is magic because I put a protection spell on it.”
3. “Are you really God?”
4. “My mama told me Fritos is good for you.”
5. “Sure. You can tie me up.”
6. “Okay, but come back when you double my money.”
7. “Your phone number is the same as my bank account number? That’s impossible. Who’s phone number is 061550836 2311864155?”
With 436 trillion readers, the Intergalactic Business Report doesn’t have to worry about how many Facebook, Instagram, or Grinder followers it has. But you do. That’s why we’ve decided to unlock the secrets to getting likes, shares, and follows on a level you probably can’t even understand.
In a world of noise, clutter, and attention seeking narcissists, it’s difficult to break through and let everyone on the planet know that your narcissism is more important than theirs. Below, we give you 7 tips you can use today to gain millions of followers in an instant.
Post content so important that people feel they need to see it or they’ll die.
Ask yourself this simple question: If you had a choice between clicking on something and dying, would you do it?
Never post anything that won’t get at least a million views.
We hold really firm on this one. If it will only get 700,000 views, you’re doing something wrong. Keep re-working it till it gets to a million. You’ll thank us for it.
Create a magic wand that when you wave it, people become your zombie slaves. Now wave it on your social media pages.
This is probably the most obvious advice, but you’d be surprised how few people do it.
Combine all the Instagram accounts in the world and make them into one account. Then make that your account.
This only works for Instagram, so don’t try it with Facebook, or Tumblr, etc.
Build a lair and capture the world’s biggest social media influencers. Tell them to follow you. If they don’t, they stay in your lair.
You don’t even need your lair to be that great. It could be your basement.
Film yourself removing your head and then putting it back on. Then post it.
But only if it will get a million plus views. See above.
Shift between alternate universes and stop on the one where you have a million followers.
We recommend you do this fast enough in case you stop in the one where you’re Hitler and they arrest you.
With Zoom calls quickly replacing actual work or social interactions, many readers are asking us for guidelines about how to behave as we watch people in boxes on our computer screens and phones.
“Zoomiquette,” which is a name someone probably already made up and wrote a book about, is how you should act when on a call, especially if it’s for work. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you what you should never wear on a business Zoom call. You may be surprised.
WHAT TO NEVER WEAR ON A BUSINESS ZOOM CALL:
1. Clothing celebrating porn stars or pornography in general. For example: “I love porn” tee-shirts.
2. Anything depicting Satan worship, like a visible upside-down cross, blood stains on your face, robes you usually wear for goat-killing rituals or human sacrifice, or Phil Collins concert tee-shirts.
3. Evidence that you moonlight as a clown. This is basically common sense. Don’t wear clown makeup or your “uniform.” Wear regular shoes. Even if you think they can’t see them. People can tell.
4. 16th or 15th century monastic gowns. You may have good intentions, but they look spooky to most people.
5. Fake nipples. Even if they look better than your real ones.
6. Cod pieces. These can draw attention to your crotch.
7. A smaller human being who rides on your back, á la Master Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
8. An operating vibrator attached to your forehead with duct tape.
Much like the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone in Seattle, the Intergalactic Business Report has announced it will have its own police free zone that will extend to their office and beyond.
The details of this stunning new charter of laws:
IBR offices may not be inspected, raided, or fined for anything happening inside them.
No laws will be enforced inside our offices and no one will be allowed to issue us tickets, confiscate drugs, or ask us to pay the rent on our lease.
The autonomous zone is fully mobile and travels with all IBR staff*, wherever they go.
This means that even when IBR writers and editors leave work, they may not be arrested, questioned, or detained for anything.
Fake police strippers are the exception to the above rules.
Strippers, adult performers, and sex workers who dress as law enforcement officers are permitted to search, detain, and give “fines” for charges such as indecent exposure, excessive horniness, and failure to pull your penis out of your pants fast enough.
We no longer need to pay for selected Fast Food.
Such as Taco Bell, for instance. That’s free now and Taco Bell needs to provide this. So, let’s say, one of us goes through the drive-through and it comes time to pay. We just say, “This is food for the IBR Autonomous Zone,” and the Taco Bell guy will be like, “Oh. O.K. it’s free then.”
All legal loopholes that could be used against IBR are now officially closed.
This means that if there’s some way to bust us for something, like by using an FBI trick where they nail us and we say, “Wait, you can’t do that,” and they say, “Oh, yes we can. It’s statute 684 of the whatever penal code,” that doesn’t work anymore.
Lawsuits** against us are also not valid.
Since we are fully autonomous and free of any laws, lawsuits are not recognized. It would be like suing air or something, and we would be the air. You could sue us, but then you’d have to immediately rescind doing that because your brain would tell you, “Hold up. That’s impossible.” Then you’d apologize maybe. Not necessary, but it would make you a better person if you did.
We have our own banking system now.
We still accept money. The only difference is that we don’t pay any of it now. We just take it. Thanks for your contribution if you made one.
*Interns are not included. If somebody needs to go down for a crime, we guess it can be them.
**For instance, any of the multiple lawsuits filed by interns, past, present, and future.
Being a total douche is not easy. You’d think it would be. Just bothering everyone all the time and threatening to sue people because they tell the truth. That’s what Phil Ratuliak does. And he works hard to do it.
The main point of all this is that the Intergalactic Business Report is probably the greatest thing that’s ever happened anywhere in the world in the entire history of everything. No. Take that back. Not probably.
Phil Ratuliak now owes us ten thousand dollars for writing this. That’s legal.
New estimates indicate the Intergalactic Business Report may be the most read publication anywhere. We congratulate ourselves.
JOIN 436 TRILLION READERS TODAY.
Our breakdown of the numbers below:
We expanded our counting to include not just humans.
This probably accounted for the biggest jump in our numbers because instead of looking at clicks and subscribers, we opened our minds to the universe and all it has to offer. For instance, there are whole races of aliens we can’t see and bigfoot-type monsters who are intelligent enough to read (we guess).
How do we know space creatures and others read IBR?
How does anyone know anything? We’ll start with that and then let you be presumptuous enough to declare yourself the smartest fucking person ever.
The 436 trillion number is a rough estimate, but it’s probably much more.
Once you start getting into the trillions, you may as well just say “a zillion” but we didn’t. We could have. But we didn’t.
Many space aliens are invisible.
That’s why it’s so hard to see them. But they are all reading the Intergalactic Business Report. That’s what blows our minds. We are gratified and humbled.
Yes, we talked to them. This was a scientific survey.
People say, “How did you possibly figure out that hundreds of trillions of creatures read your publication?” To that we deflect your question with our own, for you: “How do you figure out how to take a dump in the toilet?” “Oh, my parents taught me that,” you say. Really? How do you know? Maybe aliens did it. Why else would you go in “toilet” and not a box or something, which would be way more human than a porcelain sample-taker like a toilet.
If you take the readers/viewers of every magazine, television show, internet site, etc on the planet, it wouldn’t come close to the number of readers of the Intergalactic Business Report.
So fuck you.
The number of crypto beasts is low compared with space aliens.
We count the bigfoots and other monsters who read IBR in the tens. Maybe twenties at most. So, out of the 436 trillion number, they’re probably like 25.
In terms of “telepathic space money” we are now the wealthiest organization anywhere.
No explanation needed.
According to things we recently heard, Twitter might begin fact-checking tweets it feels are erroneous or deceptive. This prompted the Intergalactic Business Report to immediately issue an open challenge to fact check any of our assertions or claims.
As the greatest source for information in the universe, the Intergalactic Business Report operates with a knights-of-the-roundtable like integrity and stands by the following prize-winning reports and articles:
Some patients are now dying twice from Coronavirus.
Special exposé: alternative dimension discovered in my pants. By Cedric Bigglestone.
Baby signed to U.S. Soccer Development Academy.
Breaking genetics news: You are probably related to yourself.
Exclusive first ever interview with the actual devil.
In these volatile economic times, investors spend their days worrying about stocks that skyrocketed yesterday dropping to oblivion tomorrow. The stress and pressure of a market that changes course more frequently than an Uber driver on PCP who’s deciding between whether he’s going to take you somewhere to kill you or offer you sex, the U.S. stock market is a dangerous game.
Enter the Intergalactic Business Report Stock Exchange, controlled entirely by us. We’ve re-worked the negativity of the traditional market and turned buying and selling stocks into something where everyone wins. Sound too good to be true? Then read our Q and A list below before you invest.
Q. Is starting a new stock market legal?
A. What a stupid fucking question. Why do you care? It’s not your stock market. It’s ours. Worry about your own shit.
Q. How does your stock market work?
A. You give us money. That money goes into our stock market. That money turns into more money. We both get rich.
Q. What companies are participating in the IBR Stock Exchange?
A. Good ones. Really good ones. Unfortunately, we can’t tell you which ones because that would violate attorney client privilege.
Q. If you can’t tell me which companies are on your exchange, how can I decide where to invest my money?
A. You just give us the money. We do the rest.
Q. And my investment just keeps going up?
A. That’s right. Unlike the normal stock exchange, any money you invest in the IBR Stock Exchange can only go up.
Q. Sounds too good to be true.
A. That’s not a fucking question. This is a fucking Q and A sheet. Not a “Statement” sheet where you can just say whatever the fuck you want.
Q. How much money should I start investing?
A. Probably all of it.
Q. If my money only goes up, what’s the rate of return?
A. “What’s the rate of return?” Who the fuck are you? Do you want to make money or do you want to be president of the high school investment club? Next question.
Q. Will this get me laid?
A. Yes. Absolutely.
Q. Can I buy a mansion or boat now?
A. Yes. Go ahead and get both.
Q. If I have a penis, will this make it larger?
A. You can expect growth in the range of two to four inches.
The Intergalactic Business Report has decided to slowly re-open today following CDC guidelines.* It’s important for our readers to understand that their safety is our primary concern and that we are taking the following precautionary measures to ensure your health while you read IBR online.
1. All editors, writers, interns, and staff wear protective masks while writing content for our publication.
2. Our bottles of lube once used solely for masturbation have been replaced by hand sanitizer (which burns, by the way).
3. While none of our team works in a communal “office” at this time, each has agreed to place mannequins throughout their homes and avoid going near them.
4. No, “unsanitary” or “dirty” language is allowed in any IBR writing, until further notice. This, we feel, creates a psychologically “clean” place for us to work, create, and form our best thoughts and ideas. Unsanitary language would include words and terms like, “Fat cock sucker,” or “Butthole licker.” It would also encompass sayings and phrases such as, “Stop tickling my dick hole” or “You dumb shit-eating ass eater!” and questions like, “Where can I buy a one- way ticket to fuck town?” Plus some other things.
5. “Pretend touching” where you imagine there is another person in the room with you and you touch him/her, is now banned for IBR staff.
6. Sex dolls may no longer be shared and may only be used in totally monogamous person to sex doll relationships. Having said that, both parties are required to wear masks.
7. Toilet paper has been replaced by Clorox wipes. (Which burn, by the way.)
*CDC, also known as the Cock Draggers Club, is for men who seek to obtain monster penises through enhancement surgery and by creating video game avatars with enormous schlongs who represent them in a fantasy world.
The only business news in the universe that matters.