 When you really really hate an employee but also hope he’ll just quit on his own, a performance improvement plan offers the perfect mix of torture and humiliation, as your inept worker must complete vague tasks and alter his behavior so that after three months you can tell him it still isn’t working out, but thanks for trying to do all the stuff I came up with that I knew you’d never actually be able to do.
However arbitrary and unfair your plan is, you must still respect a few legal boundaries as you assign your soon-to-be fired supplicant tasks and directives. Although some of these may seem like normal requests to an employee, we caution you to avoid making them part of a performance plan. Below we list the seven most common, but potentially illegal requests bosses make in employee performance improvement plans. Stop adding these 8 metrics to your employee improvement plans.
 Another year is passing like a relative you’ve never heard of who your mom says died and you’re like, who? Only this time that dead uncle is the Intergalactic Business Report, and you’re forced to go to the funeral. No, we didn’t die, but yes, you’re going to sit there and hear about all the things we did that we think are amazing and think to yourself, “That’s not that great.” We don’t care. And there’s no food or alcohol because we ate and drank everything already.
Anyway, here’s what happened at IBR in 2024. The year began with Ed Mountaineer switching his religion to worshipping immortal instatrillionaire Kris Krohn. We also helped orgiasts with some conversation starters and new home buyers from dying in a ghost attack. As the year progressed, AI bot Arthur Killallhumans wrote a love letter to your girlfriend; we warned you about more “mayhem” from Allstate; and encouraged ABC’s the Bachelor to ask his paramours how his dad’s dick tastes when he kisses them. We answered the question whether AI is racist (yes, but like your grandpa, if he could detonate nuclear weapons with his mind) and we gave you foolproof April Fool’s pranks to play on people in the Target parking lot. What else? Oh, Ed Mountaineer became sales and gay porn trainer Andy Elliot’s personal slave. We revealed what famous people said just before they gave their famous last words. We pitched Maggie and Jake Gylenhaal (or however the fuck they spell it) to be lovers in a movie. And we solved inflation. There’s also a lot of other stuff we did, like inventing the “boner silencer,” covering the Democratic National Convention, and teaching you new things you can “weaponize.” We covered entertainment, entered a state flag contest, and pitched the Tate bros reality show ideas. Did we forget to mention that Facebook basically admitted to censoring us? In the end, we tried to sell the Intergalactic Business Report for $12.8 Million. That didn’t work. So, we continue on to another year of glory for you, our reader. Join us and read all the stuff we didn’t have the space or energy to link to this. We’re done writing now. Goodbye. Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, The Intergalactic Business Report  Unreal numbers. Some readers have questioned the value of the Intergalactic Business Report ahead of our selling it to a still as of yet undisclosed rich person. Criticism has ranged from “how the fuck did you get a valuation of $12.8 Million,” to “What do you even do?” To silence those who would ever question our integrity and motives, we are now publicly sharing our financial and operational details, below.
Company structure: 100% privately owned. Revenue: $5-10 dollars (yearly). Actual Revenue: Below that. Probably way below. Like negative. But we don’t have “books” or whatever. Projected revenue: $12.8 Million (after our sale). Leadership: Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor. Some other guys. Organizational structure: Open. We invite anyone to join because we believe in freedom. Physical assets: Imaginary. Debt/liability: Probably a lot but see above about how we don’t do accounting. Employee salaries: Variable, but dependent on the changing value of Taco Bell coupons. Intangibles: $42.9 Million. Brand value: $117.5 Million. Total: $173.2 Million. YOU save: $160 Million? YOU not taking this deal: Stupid.  After presenting the deal of a lifetime to multiple billionaires, the Intergalactic Business Report makes a pitch to the cast of Shark Tank before our price rises again and becomes too much for anyone to afford. Mark Cuban is excluded this time because he would rather back fake tequila for people on Entourage, we guess. For the rest of you Sharks, the offer is still wide open. Below, we make pitches to each of you (whose names we can kind of remember):
Mr. Wonderful. Royalties. You give us a loan for $12.8 Million dollars, and we pay you a royalty each time the Intergalactic Business Report gets a million views. If we don’t get a million views, we keep the money. Barbara Corcoran. We have a great story, and we are great people. Bet on us. Bet on us being really good people. Like $12.8 Million good people. That Indian dude. You’re a marketing genius. Imagine what you could do with that? You’d have $12.8 Million dollars’ worth of an online magazine to market with. Imagine the possibilities. David Schwimmer. We heard you were on Shark Tank? Wow. Do you even have $12.8 Million? If so, yes please. We would like that. Robert Herjavec. You’re Croation. We’re Croation! Kind of. Or not really at all. Daymond John. We’re considered by many to be the edgy urban apparel of the internet. It’s so on brand for you to pay us $12.8 Million. If not, you’re kind of a sellout? Right? Lori Greiner. Imagine selling an online magazine that has a viewership of like a hundred people (who accidentally click on us because they think we're porn) on QVC? It would fly off the shelves, right? All of you all. Would you all be willing to do this deal together? As long as you come up with the $12.8 Million, we’re good. We’d also be willing to consider a payment plan or whatever.  Our first stop after the sale goes through. A little while ago, the Intergalactic Business Report offered a bargain basement (whatever that is) deal for full ownership of our magazine at $7.5 Million. Unbelievably, there were no buyers in our first round of negotiations, so we are taking the business off the market and then immediately putting it back on at a new price of $12.8 Million. That’s right, Mark Cuban. Don’t you wish you’d pulled the trigger when you had the chance? Now you’ve got to pay full price! Bahahaha.
Anyway, we’ve expanded our list of potential buyers and remind them that the offer ends Christmas Eve at Midnight. Mull it over, “bro”bber barons, because this deal won’t last. Intergalactic Business Report pitches to buyers: 1. Elon Musk. You tried that stuff with the Onion guys and it didn’t work out. Or did it? We don’t know. Bottom line is that what we offer you is so much better than other failing, ironical things to buy like MSNBC or Chicago because you can come in and totally fire everyone and there will be no difference to anything at all. In fact, some of our guys hire dominatrixes to “fire” them every week so they’ll probably be into it. 2. Mark Cuban. Come on, bro. The shot clock is ticking. Also, on Entourage, didn’t you show up and start investing in Adrian Grenier’s Tequila company or something? Show up and do that for us. 3. Kris Krohn. O.K. Maybe we’ve been a little uncool about some of our coverage to you, but, come on, bro. 12.8 mill. Bro. Make it happen. We’ll stop drinking and be less fat. Bro. Meditate on it. Change your body chemistry so it makes you decide to pay us $12.8 mill. 4. Ryan Reynolds. Ry. Buddy. Bro. We will FIRE Ed Mountaineer if you buy us out. We’ll even let you fire him yourself. Or, better yet, you can put him on an impossible performance improvement plan where he has to complete tasks for you pleasure and at the end you can decide whether he lives or dies? Is that what you want? Is that what you fucking need? 5. Tate bros. What’s realer than owning an online satire magazine that produces no income? Think about it. Romanian women. Hot cars. Cigars. You can ADD that to the Intergalactic Business Report. Non-functioning alcoholics. Taco Bell wrappers. Severe mental illness. We can add THAT to your lives. 6. Andy Elliot. One of our employees is your slave so maybe it’s time to step up and take responsibility for all the other ones too. For our new price of $12.8 Million, we will all get six packs and stop drinking—or you can fire us and we will leave the magazine ashamed, regretful, and with our $12.8 Million. 7. Hody Granger. A lot of people think you’re made up because nobody’s heard of you outside of some articles we publish where you talk about sucking people off. If you’re real, please come to the table now. 8. Warren Buffett. To the Oracle from Omaha from the Orifice of Hahaha… THAT’S the kind of sharp ass writing you will have at your disposal if you just buy us out. You always say that you should invest for the long term and bet on America. We’re totally into that too. The $12.8 Million you provide will completely allow us to go for the next 250 years. Right now, you’re saying, “Hold up. Did you just say 250 years?” Yup. We said it. So… You ready to buy? Is this how it works? Hello?  Take it. Take it now. After years of giving you news and insights so important they go beyond our galaxy, the Intergalactic Business Report is cashing out and shifting to new ownership. We did not make this decision lightly, and hope the new owners will carry on our attention to detail and service to humanity. We have every confidence they will.
Many have questioned our price of $7.5 Million as being far too low, but we felt it very important to sell fast and have our sale coincide with the holidays so we could use a headline about how buying our business would be the best Christmas gift ever. Indeed, imagine waking up Christmas day to discover your parents bought you a publication you probably never heard of but that you now own. You can be the wondrous child who arrives at our offices as a precocious kid-boss who charms the soured old guard with pure enthusiasm and naiveté. Soon, you’ll be chomping a candy cigar and barking orders from your knotty-pine desk as decrepit alcoholic editors and writers struggle to bring you stories about twinkies and video games. Or, you could just be a multi-media conglomerate, who discovers that $7.5 Million is a bargain. A fucking bargain. Because now you own the rights to the volumes of plucky articles and reports that have been enjoyed by tens of readers. You now OWN the inevitable defamation suits from Ryan Reynolds. You now OWN the controversial but historic reporting on the COVID crisis. You now OWN Ed Mountaineer. And you now OWN the patent to the boner silencer. Conglomerate that! Another possibility: you’re in love and you need to impress the girl who has everything. Diamonds and private jets are not enough. Do more. Be better. Buy her an online magazine that celebrates Drunk People Awareness Month and Wet as Fuck February. (We’re assuming your GF has a substance abuse problem because those are the ones you always end up with). Finally, you’re Mark Cuban and you swoop in to make an offer and do that thing where there’s a shot clock and we just say, yes, we will give you 100% of our company for $7.5 Million and there’s like three seconds left on the shot clock so we made it just in time. Whatever you do, and for whatever reason, just buy us. We guess that’s the most important message here. Also, the Holiday Season. And $7.5 Million. I think we’ve covered everything. Very very very sincerely, Dusty Latouffe Supreme Editor, The Intergalactic Business Report  Attitude is everything and what you say can affect not only what others think of you, but who you become. Without even knowing it, many of us utter phrases and use words that demean ourselves and place negative emotions in our minds, thus sabotaging our success. Recently, the Intergalactic Business Report commissioned a scientific study to determine what super wealthy and accomplished men don’t say in public situations. What we found astounded us.
Nine things elite men never say: 1. I guess I’m so broke I’ll start sucking your dick for two dollars. 2. You only have a dollar and seventy-eight cents? 3. What do you mean can you put what you owe me for sucking your dick on your “tab”? 4. All right, all right, I’ll suck your dick if you buy me a drink. 5. Jesus, how about for a sip of your drink? 6. How about for free? 7. You’re telling me you won’t even accept me sucking your dick for free? 8. Am I so horrible to you? Am I? 9. You’re not gay? Neither am I. Facebook basically admits to censoring the Intergalactic Business Report. Should we forgive them?8/28/2024  Should we censor awesome satire from IBR? That's a big thumbs up! In October 2021 the Intergalactic Business Report openly questioned Facebook’s mysterious, passive-aggressive censorship of our content. For months, our page was suspended, reinstated, and suspended again, with no explanation other than we had violated standards. Since we have no standards, this seemed to make sense. But when Facebook eliminated our ability to advertise, our mission to enlighten the world was severely curtailed. At the time, Facebook ran television spots featuring an ex-CIA employee who described how cool it was to stop people from saying stuff he didn’t like. I guess we should have known the government was involved.
Yesterday, we heard that Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg admitted he was pressured by the government to remove “certain COVID content including humor and satire.” After years of unanswered inquiries, the Intergalactic Business Report would like to formally thank Zuckerberg for finally letting us know, however indirectly, that his company not only muzzled free speech in America, but, even worse, hid from citizens hard-hitting IBR articles like these: 1. We suggested magic may be the strongest defense against COVID-19. 2. We reported that Hawaiian Punch may be superior to most vaccines. 3. We wrote about a penis-delivered vaccine called the “hot beef injection.” 4. We proposed that the cure for Coronavirus may be you shutting the fuck up. 5. We told you that a new virus called “Curvedbonervirus” might be worse than Coronavirus. 6. We said that some people are dying twice from COVID-19. 7. We claimed to have negotiated with an alien race to end the pandemic. 8. We mentioned that according to Chinese government officials, having sex with Chinese government officials may give you immunity from the Coronavirus. 9. We also stated that eating vampire boogers may be a cure. 10. We told you that COVID-19 cases could reach 4 billion per day. 11. We asserted that we could end the pandemic if everyone stopped breathing. 12. We speculated about the threat of “no-symptomatic” people. 13. We listed “ball sweat” as a possible Coronavirus symptom. 14. We reported that you may already be dead from COVID-19. 15. We suggested that the lifting of “shelter in place” orders may give you the ability to fly. 16. We revealed our plan to save professional sports during the pandemic by starting a world-wide group masturbation league. 17. We invented a quarantine sport called “Can I fit that up my butt?” Like a cat your uncle fingered, our trust in Facebook is dependent on any treats it may give us, thus eliminating any ill will and trauma. In the meanwhile, we hope America and the world will stand against censorship and its new girlfriend nobody can stand, “Miss Information.” Read what you want. Write what you want. Don’t molest cats. Very Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor  As social media becomes a playground for scammers and con artists, even boring business community LinkedIn is susceptible to freaks who prey on your good nature to exploit and manipulate. It’s hard to believe that a platform dedicated to work, career, and professional life could have such a dark side, but today the Intergalactic Business Report issues a warning to all users. Beware of these LinkedIn scams, perversions, and hustles:
“This is so out of character of me, but…” This is where con-artists post that they “never” do this and hate to toot their own horn* but today they decided to tell everyone they won an award nobody’s heard of or cares about. The trick is to get you to respond with applause emojis and love symbols as well as comments like, “You deserve this!” and “Bravo!” When enough of these responses are collected, the poster is able to have an orgasm on his glass etched trophy. “I’m at a resort in Aruba with a bunch of cool people who are also my close friends and business partners.” At first glance, these posts look like a swingers’ convention with really unattractive options, but it’s actually just a group of middle-aged troglodytes at a regular convention captured just before one of them tries to cheat on his spouse and just after one of them made an accidental racial slur to a waiter. “I got a promotion. Look at me.” Scammer Derek just got moved up to assistant vice-president. Before that, he was something else. Clap, monkeys. “I didn’t write this, but I’m going to repost it as if I had something to do with it.” Perhaps the most diabolical scam artist maneuver, this is where a charlatan takes an article she didn’t conceive of, write, or understand, and reposts as if she came up with it. Sometimes, you may see an intro like, “If you know you know.” She doesn’t. “You know I’d be posting a picture of me with no shirt on in the mirror but I’m doing this instead.” This is generally any selfie, portrait, or photo of the person posting on LinkedIn. If you see one of these, it is a sign that he’s constricted by the format but would rather have his shirt off and be back on Myspace, where he was the fucking king. “I got a new job, and it’s bittersweet leaving the great people I’ve had the honor to work with for the past four and a half years.” Con artist Lance is letting his new colleagues know that his old colleagues loved working with him and that his new colleagues will feel the same way about him soon because he’s such a fucking awesome guy. If you worked with Lance, you’re now obligated to post something like, “We’ll miss you, Lance,” and “All the best in your new adventure.” If Lance weren’t leaving, you’d say things like, “Hey Lance, wake up. We need this conference room,” and, “Lance, you charged a lap dance on your corporate account,” and, “Lance, an intern told me you asked if you could see his balls.” “I’m going to post something every human being on earth will agree with and act like I’m brave and deserve praise for saying it.” This is where a LinkedIn admiral decides he’s going to really impart some wisdom by stating boldly that leaders should inspire people instead of being mean all the time. After a thousand likes and comments such as, “Right on! You tell em Marv,” Marv removes his butt plug and lets out a ten second, post-coital sigh. *Self felatio.  Depending on the source, the U.S. economy is either the strongest it’s ever been or on the verge of collapse. As the top business publication in the universe, the Intergalactic Business Report issues its own forecast that will make consumers feel much better about their financial situation.
Our analysts* have found that many of the perceived problems of inflation, housing scarcity, and interest rates can be easily countered using six strategies, outlined below: 1. Don’t buy, purchase, or pay for anything. One of the biggest mistakes many of us make is to take our money and spend it on things. This is when inflation bites hardest. By simply putting away your wallet, you can keep rising costs at bay. If you don’t pay for anything, then it doesn’t matter how much it costs. 2. Use credit cards where you aren’t the “bill payer.” A common error consumers make is using credit cards that require them to pay a bill at the end of the month. Typically, Americans apply for credit, receive a card, and then charge purchases. At the end of the month, the credit card company asks for a payment and if you cannot give them the full amount of the bill, you are charged interest. Our advice is simple: find a credit card that doesn’t require you to pay a bill. This could mean one in which another party (like a friend or family member) is responsible for payment, or a card issued by a magic elf or fairy, who sprinkles “payment dust” on the card, making it invulnerable to incurring debt. 3. Barter instead of using cash or credit. Cash is a relatively new concept. Direct exchange of goods and services is an age-old method of avoiding inflation, since the value is tied to a joint decision made by the barterers. In today’s age, of course, we don’t offer a cow for ten chickens so a typical exchange now may be a carton of milk for oral sex. 4. Don’t underestimate the value of your own body parts. Remember you have two kidneys, two lungs, and two hearts. All of these can be worth money or, in some cases, a night of drinks with some Albanians, who remove them while you sleep in a bathtub. 5. Don’t forget about oral sex. We kind of got into this in number 3 (above) but can’t emphasis enough how it can really transcend money, especially if you’re decent at it. Not only can you get groceries and gas, but also other stuff, like cigarettes and even transportation (where you suck a trucker’s dick and he drives you through Kansas, for example). 6. You can also do other sex stuff. Pound or get pounded. Just do it for goods, services, or cash. Many consumers overlook this simple, satisfying inflation stomper and, instead, limit themselves to blowjobs, or, even stupider, do sex for free. Pro tip: if you want to make optimal money, set a beer can on your back and if it falls off, they owe you five bucks (every time). *People who have anal sex. |
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