Facebook basically admits to censoring the Intergalactic Business Report. Should we forgive them?8/28/2024  Should we censor awesome satire from IBR? That's a big thumbs up! In October 2021 the Intergalactic Business Report openly questioned Facebook’s mysterious, passive-aggressive censorship of our content. For months, our page was suspended, reinstated, and suspended again, with no explanation other than we had violated standards. Since we have no standards, this seemed to make sense. But when Facebook eliminated our ability to advertise, our mission to enlighten the world was severely curtailed. At the time, Facebook ran television spots featuring an ex-CIA employee who described how cool it was to stop people from saying stuff he didn’t like. I guess we should have known the government was involved.
Yesterday, we heard that Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg admitted he was pressured by the government to remove “certain COVID content including humor and satire.” After years of unanswered inquiries, the Intergalactic Business Report would like to formally thank Zuckerberg for finally letting us know, however indirectly, that his company not only muzzled free speech in America, but, even worse, hid from citizens hard-hitting IBR articles like these: 1. We suggested magic may be the strongest defense against COVID-19. 2. We reported that Hawaiian Punch may be superior to most vaccines. 3. We wrote about a penis-delivered vaccine called the “hot beef injection.” 4. We proposed that the cure for Coronavirus may be you shutting the fuck up. 5. We told you that a new virus called “Curvedbonervirus” might be worse than Coronavirus. 6. We said that some people are dying twice from COVID-19. 7. We claimed to have negotiated with an alien race to end the pandemic. 8. We mentioned that according to Chinese government officials, having sex with Chinese government officials may give you immunity from the Coronavirus. 9. We also stated that eating vampire boogers may be a cure. 10. We told you that COVID-19 cases could reach 4 billion per day. 11. We asserted that we could end the pandemic if everyone stopped breathing. 12. We speculated about the threat of “no-symptomatic” people. 13. We listed “ball sweat” as a possible Coronavirus symptom. 14. We reported that you may already be dead from COVID-19. 15. We suggested that the lifting of “shelter in place” orders may give you the ability to fly. 16. We revealed our plan to save professional sports during the pandemic by starting a world-wide group masturbation league. 17. We invented a quarantine sport called “Can I fit that up my butt?” Like a cat your uncle fingered, our trust in Facebook is dependent on any treats it may give us, thus eliminating any ill will and trauma. In the meanwhile, we hope America and the world will stand against censorship and its new girlfriend nobody can stand, “Miss Information.” Read what you want. Write what you want. Don’t molest cats. Very Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor  As social media becomes a playground for scammers and con artists, even boring business community LinkedIn is susceptible to freaks who prey on your good nature to exploit and manipulate. It’s hard to believe that a platform dedicated to work, career, and professional life could have such a dark side, but today the Intergalactic Business Report issues a warning to all users. Beware of these LinkedIn scams, perversions, and hustles:
“This is so out of character of me, but…” This is where con-artists post that they “never” do this and hate to toot their own horn* but today they decided to tell everyone they won an award nobody’s heard of or cares about. The trick is to get you to respond with applause emojis and love symbols as well as comments like, “You deserve this!” and “Bravo!” When enough of these responses are collected, the poster is able to have an orgasm on his glass etched trophy. “I’m at a resort in Aruba with a bunch of cool people who are also my close friends and business partners.” At first glance, these posts look like a swingers’ convention with really unattractive options, but it’s actually just a group of middle-aged troglodytes at a regular convention captured just before one of them tries to cheat on his spouse and just after one of them made an accidental racial slur to a waiter. “I got a promotion. Look at me.” Scammer Derek just got moved up to assistant vice-president. Before that, he was something else. Clap, monkeys. “I didn’t write this, but I’m going to repost it as if I had something to do with it.” Perhaps the most diabolical scam artist maneuver, this is where a charlatan takes an article she didn’t conceive of, write, or understand, and reposts as if she came up with it. Sometimes, you may see an intro like, “If you know you know.” She doesn’t. “You know I’d be posting a picture of me with no shirt on in the mirror but I’m doing this instead.” This is generally any selfie, portrait, or photo of the person posting on LinkedIn. If you see one of these, it is a sign that he’s constricted by the format but would rather have his shirt off and be back on Myspace, where he was the fucking king. “I got a new job, and it’s bittersweet leaving the great people I’ve had the honor to work with for the past four and a half years.” Con artist Lance is letting his new colleagues know that his old colleagues loved working with him and that his new colleagues will feel the same way about him soon because he’s such a fucking awesome guy. If you worked with Lance, you’re now obligated to post something like, “We’ll miss you, Lance,” and “All the best in your new adventure.” If Lance weren’t leaving, you’d say things like, “Hey Lance, wake up. We need this conference room,” and, “Lance, you charged a lap dance on your corporate account,” and, “Lance, an intern told me you asked if you could see his balls.” “I’m going to post something every human being on earth will agree with and act like I’m brave and deserve praise for saying it.” This is where a LinkedIn admiral decides he’s going to really impart some wisdom by stating boldly that leaders should inspire people instead of being mean all the time. After a thousand likes and comments such as, “Right on! You tell em Marv,” Marv removes his butt plug and lets out a ten second, post-coital sigh. *Self felatio.  Depending on the source, the U.S. economy is either the strongest it’s ever been or on the verge of collapse. As the top business publication in the universe, the Intergalactic Business Report issues its own forecast that will make consumers feel much better about their financial situation.
Our analysts* have found that many of the perceived problems of inflation, housing scarcity, and interest rates can be easily countered using six strategies, outlined below: 1. Don’t buy, purchase, or pay for anything. One of the biggest mistakes many of us make is to take our money and spend it on things. This is when inflation bites hardest. By simply putting away your wallet, you can keep rising costs at bay. If you don’t pay for anything, then it doesn’t matter how much it costs. 2. Use credit cards where you aren’t the “bill payer.” A common error consumers make is using credit cards that require them to pay a bill at the end of the month. Typically, Americans apply for credit, receive a card, and then charge purchases. At the end of the month, the credit card company asks for a payment and if you cannot give them the full amount of the bill, you are charged interest. Our advice is simple: find a credit card that doesn’t require you to pay a bill. This could mean one in which another party (like a friend or family member) is responsible for payment, or a card issued by a magic elf or fairy, who sprinkles “payment dust” on the card, making it invulnerable to incurring debt. 3. Barter instead of using cash or credit. Cash is a relatively new concept. Direct exchange of goods and services is an age-old method of avoiding inflation, since the value is tied to a joint decision made by the barterers. In today’s age, of course, we don’t offer a cow for ten chickens so a typical exchange now may be a carton of milk for oral sex. 4. Don’t underestimate the value of your own body parts. Remember you have two kidneys, two lungs, and two hearts. All of these can be worth money or, in some cases, a night of drinks with some Albanians, who remove them while you sleep in a bathtub. 5. Don’t forget about oral sex. We kind of got into this in number 3 (above) but can’t emphasis enough how it can really transcend money, especially if you’re decent at it. Not only can you get groceries and gas, but also other stuff, like cigarettes and even transportation (where you suck a trucker’s dick and he drives you through Kansas, for example). 6. You can also do other sex stuff. Pound or get pounded. Just do it for goods, services, or cash. Many consumers overlook this simple, satisfying inflation stomper and, instead, limit themselves to blowjobs, or, even stupider, do sex for free. Pro tip: if you want to make optimal money, set a beer can on your back and if it falls off, they owe you five bucks (every time). *People who have anal sex.  Top Gs Andrew and Tristan Tate have once again been left off the Forbes Magazine list of richest people on the planet and Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer is enraged. Below he explains what he believes is the conspiracy behind the unforgiveable omission.
Dear readers: If you know me, you know I have a lot of celebrity relationships with people like Ryan Reynolds and Mark Wahlberg. I know. It’s a big deal. I’m a big deal. But that’s not why I’m writing this article today. Today I am here to tell you about one of the most egregious wrongdoings in the history of rankings, lists, and journalism in general. Recently, Forbes Magazine published its list of wealthiest humans in the world and though I stopped reading at like number 745, I noticed something that will probably irk me for eternity. As I scrolled through page after page of lame ass billionaires I’d never heard of, I grew a small boner of anticipation knowing I would soon read the names of two pecunious dynamos I admire from afar and whose lifestyle I feel is closest to mine in every sense except the money part. And maybe the getting women part too. And also the thing where they take their shirts off a lot. Actually I do that too. But more so I can feel skin on skin when I’m on public transportation. It doesn’t matter. Anyway, if you don’t know who I’m talking about, then you’re a fucking asshole. Tristan and Andrew Tate are two brothers who live in Romania, are rich as shit, and self-proclaimed “Top Gs,” which is the only way to describe the most badass motherfuckers in the galaxy. They take what they want, drive what they want, and post a ton of shit on social media because they can and everybody watches it because they wish they could be them. Everybody. Even babies and pets. Let me put it this way—your mom would have sex with these dudes and pay for it. And she’d probably even make them ham sandwiches afterwards. And cut the crust off. The Tates drive cars that are like five million dollars and they call millionaires “broke.” That’s right broke motherfuckers! You heard me. You think you’re rich if you have millions of dollars? You’re broke. Surprise. Anyway, I watch a lot of Andrew and Tristan and it’s like they are speaking to me when they’re talking into the camera. Sometimes it’s tough love when they start telling me what a fucking moron I am for playing video games or whacking off to porn. And they’re right! I’m such a fucking dickhead! AAAAAGHHH. I’m fucking jacking off as I write this and I feel like a shitty person. AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH. O.K. I’m done. The Tates live in an Eastern European mansion where hot chicks come and go and where Top G business is conducted—basically shit where you sit in a “war room” and have “emergency meetings” and then get in your super car and fucking drive while someone films you driving. In my own life, I have a “living room” where I have “emergency whack off sessions” and then I get on public transportation and take my shirt off till the bus driver tells me I “need to get off” and I usually make a joke like, O.K., you want me to “get off”? and that’s why there’s a picture of me that’s sent to all bus drivers and it says something like don’t let this guy on your bus. I’m just guessing, but I’m pretty sure it must say that judging by the way I’m treated when I try to get on a bus. Forbes. Why the fuck aren’t the Tates on your list? Is it because they’re in Romania and Romanian money isn’t as good as YOUR money? Is that it? I’ll be honest, when I look through your list all I see are names that look made up. Who the fuck is Ben Chestnut? A pornstar? How about Tony Tamer? Fake name much? Yeah, I thought so. Overall, I feel I’ve totally busted Forbes and that this is the kind of journalism that should win me some kind of award like a Pulitzer or an AVN. I fully expect the Tate bros to be on your list next year and a groveling apology to be issued in the meanwhile. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  In what can only be described as business news that might shift the planet off its rotational axis, entrepreneurophysicist Kris Krohn announced he will not do deals with people he considers overweight.
Let’s recap what Krohn recently announced: “If you’re overweight I’m not going into business with you and here’s why. I’m already concerned because it already starts telling me some things about your discipline, your persistence, and where you have weakness in your life. Listen, it’s not like you’ve got to be perfect, but I also don’t want a walking heart attack as my business partner. I build things to last. I go long term. At the end of it I get concerned when I’m aligning my values with someone that doesn’t share that perspective on health because they’re making all sorts of other choices in their life that could ultimately hurt the business.” Clearly, this announcement will send shivers through the business world and its implications will be far reaching. Because Kris Krohn is essentially a patron saint at the Intergalactic Business Report, we have decided to give him some totally free assistance that we believe will save him time and money. As fat, obese, or just not in great shape business people contact Krohn to beg for deals and waste his time, he will not be able to make ten grand a pop videos and he will be distracted from his goal of becoming a trillionaire. So, good news, Kris. We are writing your breakup letters for you. All you need to do is cut, paste, send, and you will never hear from the flabby, groveling, billionaires who seek your genius and guidance. These short and sweet missives will release you from their never-ending solicitations. To: Warren Buffet CEO Berkshire Hathaway. Warren, Not saying you’re fat, but I pronounce your last name Buh-fay. I know you’re 93, but I’m living to be 140 and I will soon surpass you. When I’m 93, my bod is gonna be ripped because I can control enzymes and stuff with my mind. Anyway, just letting you know that I will never do business with you. Best, Kris Krohn. To: Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and Space X. Dear Elon, You need to tighten up, bro. Till then, no deals with me. Your discipline and persistence are questionable. Keep it tight, Kris Krohn. To: Gautam (too much salami) Adani, Founder Adani Group. Dear Gautam, Just saw your picture and you are fat, bro. I wanna tell you to not even think about doing any biz with me. You look like a walking heart attack and you don’t build things to last, like I do. Later daze, Kris Krohn P.S. You’re weak. To: Carlos (not so slim) Helu, Honorary Chairman, América Móvil. Carlos, Just wanna stay ahead of the game and tell you not to contact me about any deals till you can prove to me you can keep the weight off for a consistent period of time. You will thank me for giving you the discipline to be better at business and life. Peace, Kris Krohn To: Oprah Winfrey, Chairwoman and CEO, Harpo Productions; Chairwoman and CCO OWN. Hey girl. Let’s be real. I know your weight has fluctuated over the years and that’s given me a lot of pause about ever going into business with you. I know this is harsh but no deals till you show me you have the dedication to stay underweight. I’m rooting for you. You've got this, Kris Krohn  Buying a house, condo, or apartment is one of the biggest decisions you can make, and when the time comes to do it, there is endless advice on how you should proceed. Whether it’s a question of getting a 15- or 30-year mortgage, what neighborhood to choose, how many housing association fees you should pay, or which school system is better, the anxiety and stress around this purchase can be overwhelming. To ease your burden, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you a list of critical errors that could alter your life forever. If you see yourself making one of these 12 mistakes, stop and reconsider immediately.
12 house purchasing errors that could end your existence. 1. Your realtor sets a pistol on the table and asks you to play Russian Roulette for your mortgage rate. 2. A vulture settles on top of the property and an old prospector approaches and says the house is “pure evil” and that he “best be on his way” but “don’t say he done didn’ warn ya.” 3. When you enter the house, you are able to take off your penis and throw it. Then you look down and your penis is back. 4. There is a clause in the mortgage contract that just says: “new owners accept all responsibility for the basement hermit.” 5. A potential neighbor tells you, “Fucking run, man! Fucking run!” Then he says he’s just kidding and if you move there it’s super fun because they’re always making jokes like that but then you look at him and he has the face of a goat and you blink and then it’s back to normal but you’re super cold and feel like evil just butt-plugged you for a second. 6. At the open house, a portal to hell opens up and your wife is like, “Go in there” and you’re like, “What the fuck?” And she’s like, “If we move here, we are so going in there.” 7. Your bank says you’re pre-approved for sex trafficking. 8. You open a closet and a man from Victorian times steps out and asks if his obligation is yet abridged and the realtor points to you and says “yeah, this guy is replacing you.” 9. As you sign the mortgage papers you hear the walls giggling. 10. The house is free and as the former owner hands the keys to you, she mutters, “Now I release this burden unto you.” 11. The spirit of an Indian Chief breezes through your body as you check out the bathroom and he whispers that he likes to watch people poop. 12. To explain his proposal for a 5-year balloon payment with a 467% APR, your realtor makes you a balloon animal and then pops it. Then it’s just a lot of uncomfortable staring while he holds out a contract and a pen and drips sweat all over it. Kris Krohn might be a demi-god and I will be his first actual follower. By Ed Mountaineer.1/18/2024  In the recent past, I made the move to elect Entreprinfluencer Kris Krohn as my personal president for life, accepting his rules and oversight as a citizen of his dominion, whatever the cost or sacrifice. But after watching more of Krohn on Instagram, I’ve come to the conclusion that making him my president was a step too short. Way too short.
Krohn, for all his business brilliance and star power can be easily seen as simply a mega successful purveyor of wisdom and bio-energy, but a deeper look reveals he is much much more. Today, I am prepared to officially recognize Kris Krohn as a demi-god and I hope everyone will follow suit soon or may they be crushed by Krohn's wrath and beg for his divine mercy. I’m still working out the rules for worshipping Krohn, but I feel those will come to me now that I’ve accepted him as my protector and devoted myself to being his supplicant. “Hold up Ed!” That’s what your mouth may be saying if you read this. You continue, with fear dripping from your mouth, “I understand that if Kris Krohn is indeed a god, then you need to worship him now, as I and everyone on earth should do without hesitation. But what if you’re wrong and he’s just a narcissist who posts dumb shit on the internet?” To this I say, watch your spiritual cornhole, Mike, because if you question Kris Krohn again, you will be reamed by a mighty lightning bolt or other cosmic, butt-entering torture device Krohn creates to smite you. I warned you. But, still, I’m going to lay out some evidence so that you can submit to Krohn before it’s too late. Also, I feel that by converting you, I will gain major points with my new lord. Here we go: God much? 15 reasons Kris Krohn is a demi-god (or maybe even a full-on god). 1. He will live forever. That’s kind of the number one requirement for being a god. So he’s got that. 2. He can turn off the dopamines that arouse him when he sees hot women. (I assume he can also turn them on and seduce chickens or whatever he desires, and I just chose chickens randomly so don’t make it a whole thing). 3. Like other deities, he is immune to sickness, because if, for instance, Ebola or cancer arises, he can just say: “No, I’m good.” He doesn’t give his body permission to have a bad day. 4. He is 100% authentic as verified by his sister-in-law who at first thought he was a total ass for saying things like he is going to live forever, can cure sickness, and has the ability to turn on and off his dopamine flow with his mind, but then realized that his filmed statements were not a sign of malignant narcissism but rather just his real opinions and how he actually feels about himself, which means he’s not a narcissist—just someone who authentically believes he is superior to all other human beings and has supernatural powers. Like a god, perhaps? 5. He can disappear for two weeks anywhere on the planet and kill a mountain goat and carry it on his back uphill for miles because doing this is a practical, forgotten skill from a time when men would take two weeks, leave their homes, and travel to another side of the planet to kill mountain goats. 6. He is able to have holiday dinners with his envious extended family and still enjoy himself because he’s overcome any anxiety about being way more successful and rich than everyone there and worrying about their opinion of him as being so crazy rich he doesn’t belong in the same family as them. 7. He can persuade his wife to live with him for eternity in their bed. 8. His body is perfect because he just said it. 9. He can have conversations with his body when he stands naked in front of his mirror. They talk about all kinds of shit, but mostly about how good the body thinks it looks, but that’s not Kris saying he looks great—it’s his body, which is a completely separate and independent entity that just has really high self-esteem and can communicate that, but just to Kris Krohn. 10. He built a “fortress of solitude” out of crystals that his wife is into. 11. He has a “10” style. All the way up from a four now that he wears purple shoes. 12. He doesn’t wait in line because he hates lines. 13. He paid his mentor hundreds of thousands of dollars to mentor him. Most mentors cost millions or are free. 14. He has his own octagon and has people come in to “beat the shit out of each other” for his amusement. Toying with humans? Making them fight one another? This seems like stuff the dudes on Mount Olympus would be into... Wait a second... Those "dudes" are all gods. Hmmmm. 15. He’s figured out that sleep is a waste of time even though he’s in bed with his wife a lot and not just for sex but also to stare at each other and confirm they will both live forever. But not sleep. Editor’s note: In Ed Mountaineer’s last article about Kris Krohn, he listed Krohn’s future net worth as being in the hundreds of billions. Recent posts indicate he will actually become a trillionaire. We regret the error. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  It’s happening again. As the calendar changes and a new year closes in, the Intergalactic Business Report can tell you all about the year that just ended, because you are clearly senile, and can’t remember what just happened. To make matters worse, our “review” of the past year will be entirely of our own articles so if you're reading this in the future and you’re like, “Hey, we found this and it’s going to tell us about how life was in the year 2023,” then whoever that is is fucked. Anyway, here it is.
If you’ve never read IBR, you couldn’t possibly be reading this right now, but if you have read it, you may know that January is our most hated month. Why? Because turds across our universe use it as a way to repent for last year’s disappointments and fuckups and lay their burden on all of us too. That’s why we have New Year’s resolutions and, of course, Dry January, a punishment only Satan himself or the dipshits who came up with it could come up with. This year, we added to the heap of January despair with six totally fresh ways to ruin the month. Feel free to use them in 2024. We continued the year with an exclusive interview with the King of the Nerds; warned you about All-State’s Mahem; and used science to tell you the two words that will get you a “yes” almost every time. If that wasn’t enough, we did something the internet has never done by giving you the top 5 signs of early dementia as well as offering groundbreaking new information on the “upside” of Alzheimer’s. A common theme developed throughout the year, and I think it’s safe to say that theme was love. Probably in its purest form as we, again and again, worked to give our readers news and insights that they could find nowhere else and that almost instantly improved their lives upon receiving them. A few examples of this would be our article on the 7 questions you need to ask your mother (before it’s too late); a stark warning about “creeps”; what Costco products to avoid; and advice on what you should say instead of “How are you?” Business and technology. We did that too. Like when our own AI creature Arthur Killallhumans pranked us on April Fool’s Day; legendary business icon Hody Granger gave you personal advice; we shared a CEO letter inviting employees to “pound town”; and when Brett Bonar gifted you a morning routine so intense it will make you rich. Another focus was the writers’ strike, which hobbled the entertainment industry as it was cut off from talented scribes who dazzle us with lines like “showtime!” whenever a character watches something happen and he can’t just sit there and say nothing. To remedy this, we offered our own scab writers to fill in the gaps, but, alas, there were no takers. We also gave voice to the porn industry, which was especially pounded hard by the strike. There was a lot of other stuff too, but you’re probably too much of a pussy to go to intergalacticbiz.com and read it all. Sorry. That was probably too aggressive but we get a lot of advice about how to attract more readers and that was one of them. Not from an expert. Just some guy. At a bar. Probably not the best source. Anyway, like I said, that was our year. Dry January is next. See you then. So Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor  One simple question: This holiday season, don’t your friends and relatives deserve the absolute worst, most embarrassing tee shirts, that, when worn in public, drive people to say things like, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
The Intergalactic Business Report’s merch store, IBR Merch, known for selling clothing so bad we have practically zero sales, is issuing its first ever Black Friday coupon, good for 10% off until Monday, November 27. Just enter the code IBR10 at checkout. IBR Merch’s new collection is simply titled, “Hey! Look at me!” which is a tribute to all those who choose to draw negative attention to themselves in public places. Anchored by our now famous “Ball Sweat and Tears” tee, the new collection goes into new realms of cringe with shirts that re-imagine what it’s like for their wearer to sit in a bar somewhere and have people look over in fear, disgust, and wonder. A new “dog groomer” tee announces to anyone looking that you will pay them for some alone time with their pet. And college students can display their grammar skills (with our “whom does one need to blow” tee) as well as their acumen for eating ass (“top of my class in eating ass” tee). IBR Merch continues its “States of Confusion” line with more tees celebrating the traditions and character of the places Americans call home. Our, “Welcome to Wisconsin: Hot Turds ‘N Cheese Curdz” tee exemplifies the dairy state, while our dual Mississippi/Alabama tee starts the friendly argument of which state is more racist, leading to hours of playful banter if you wear it into a bar in either state. Our Drunk People Awareness line asks onlookers to change your diaper (“Just shit myself” tee) and proclaims your level of inebriation to be holy (“Drunker than Jesus” tee). Of course, our other categories and official IBR merchandise are also available. This Christmas, embarrass yourself and others and do it in a way where there’s no turning back. Go to ibrmerch.com and start your adventure.  Inc. Magazine recently posted an article about how “invisible” employees could be your most valuable resource. Or something like that. At the Intergalactic Business Report, we never read Inc. Magazine articles because they either ask you to subscribe or expect you to read the content and we feel strongly the headlines are more than enough to inspire us to write superior articles on the same subject.
Anyway… We read the headline and immediately agreed. Our own invisible employee is by far our most valuable and we tell you why below. 12 solid reasons your invisible employee is your best employee. 1. You never see him. He never says stupid shit. He’s just there, we guess? 2. When your invisible employee gets angry and takes an invisible shit on the floor of your reception area, that shit is invisible. Unless the human shit in the reception area is his and his shits aren’t invisible at all. 3. He never does that thing at meetings where he questions everything you say by throwing Milk Duds at your face, unless the Milk Duds that keep hitting your face are coming from him. 4. You don’t pay him, and he has no voice to sue you no matter how many times you openly mock or threaten him and chase him with your dick, even though you’re not totally sure if you’re actually chasing him or if he’s in a totally different direction and you’re just pants-to-the-ground-around-your-ankles shuffling around the office. 5. His piece-of-shit mom will never touch you because that would be assault and you’ll call the cops. 6. You still love his piece-of-shit mom even though she’s a little “rough around the edges” and is probably going to assault you but maybe it’s not assault if you love her, and you have sex afterwards. Maybe that’s just an “alternative lifestyle.” 7. You’re not even sure what that lifestyle is called, but whatever it is, you’re that. 8. What’s the fucking difference between your invisible employee and a ghost? Should I be afraid of this motherfucker? 9. If you start dating someone and she tells you her son is invisible and he works in your office and you’re like, what the fuck are you talking about and she’s like shut the fuck up Imma beat your ass and then she does, does that make her son exist? Or is that just what love feels like and you’ve never been in love before? 10. Who the fuck is Ronald Van Silver? Is he our invisible employee? Oh, nope. He’s real. Hey Ron. 11. Did Ron Van Fucking Silver take a shit on our reception area floor? How the fuck would you even find out? Like a DNA test or something? Do I have to take some of the shit down to a lab or something? 12. Does Inc Magazine have a lab where they can test the shit from our reception area and see if it’s a ghost or if it’s Ron Van Silver? How late are you open? |
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