 By now you’ve seen the images of empty toilet paper shelves at grocery stores all over the nation. The Intergalactic Business Report sat down with an anonymous supply chain expert who issues a warning to all Americans about what items they need to store more than anything else. INTERVIEWER: First, I want to thank you for sitting down with us during this pandemic. I hope I’m keeping my distance to you at six feet! Ha ha ha. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: (Laughs uncontrollably). That’s so fucking funny. INTERVIEWER: Yes. Well, we try to keep a sense of humor with these really dark times. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: I was kidding about that being funny. INTERVIEWER: Wow. Your kidding about that is funny. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Thanks. When I was in high school, I was the funny guy. INTERVIEWER: Seriously? Like class clown or whatever? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: No. INTERVIEWER: No? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: That’s right. No. INTERVIEWER: You weren’t really funny? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: No, I was super funny. I just wasn’t actually voted “class clown.” INTERVIEWER: Oh… SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: What? Why are you saying “Oh…”? INTERVIEWER: Just because usually the funniest guy… Like the actual funniest guy in the school is named class clown. If you were really funny, then why didn’t everyone vote for you? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Because there was some dick who everyone thought was funnier I guess, but his humor was super dumb, like he’d fart and then wave the fart vapor at people and they’d laugh. INTERVIEWER: That’s pretty funny. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Waving fart vapor at people? INTERVIEWER: I guess I find it funny. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Then you’d probably vote for Andy Trank too. INTERVIEWER: His name was Andy Trank? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Yeah. What a stupid fucking name, right? INTERVIEWER: No. I think it’s an awesome name. If you got to name yourself, wouldn’t you want to be called Andy Trank? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Fuck no. Why would you ever want to be named that? INTERVIEWER: Because it’s awesome. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: You know what? I kind of feel like since the beginning of this interview you’ve been a total dick. Like you have something against me. INTERVIEWER: I think it’s the opposite. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Yeah, maybe. I mean, there’s something about you I can’t stand. INTERVIEWER: Like the fact that I had sex with your mom? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: What? INTERVIEWER: Why don’t you just tell me what I need to stockpile or whatever you were supposed to tell me. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Toilet paper. INTERVIEWER: No way. SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Yeah. Get as much toilet paper as you can. INTERVIEWER: That’s what you came here to tell us? That we should stockpile toilet paper? SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: When the shit goes down, you need to wipe your ass, right? INTERVIEWER: Maybe I’ll ask your mom to wipe my ass with her face. At this point, the interview ended abruptly, and our supply chain expert became violent and broke the six-foot barrier we required as part of the interview conditions. Buy toilet paper, we guess.  In recent weeks, the panic and fear over the COVID-19, or “Coronavirus” has led major businesses and organizations to issue statements to the public about how they’re handling the global pandemic. Now we are too. Please read an open letter to our readers from supreme editor Dusty Latouffe. Dear IBR readers: The Intergalactic Business Report understands that we are all living in an age of fear and dread for the unknown. Right now, many of us are either huddled in our homes clutching toilet paper rolls, or running around in public, infecting others and getting infected through sex with random strangers or just shopping at Walmart, or, in some cases, having sex with random strangers at Walmart. Whichever one you are, you know that for the next few weeks, you will be hearing more and more about how this virus is affecting the planet. As the concern and anxiety rises, many people continue to ask me, “What is the Intergalactic Business Report doing about all this?” I want to reassure our readers by listing the measures we are taking here to guarantee their safety: 1. As of this morning, reading an online publication from your phone, tablet, or computer remains safe. 2. Just to be sure, all our articles and memes will now be cleaned with industry-leading anti-bacterial products. 3. Several or our writers and editors have committed to cleaning themselves too. (We are doing this on the honor system for now, but if obvious body odor continues to be apparent, we will watch them shower starting next week.) 4. We have instructed our staff that when they are drinking at work, they should take a sip, then pour whatever they are drinking onto their hands to sanitize them with alcohol. 5. All experiments requiring interns to put things in their mouths or wear masks have been delayed for 24 hours. 6. IBR staff who have sex with fruit may no longer place the used fruit in the office fruit basket in the break room. 7. The March team building exercise will be postponed indefinitely because of fears of infection when penises are whipped out and laid on a conference room table and then measured. 8. Cocktails may no longer be stirred with your fingers (or penises, Ed). 9. We have sent out several secret messages to outerspace where we’ve positioned ourselves as the leaders of planet Earth and that we’re willing to cut a deal (any deal) with an alien race if they’ll cure the Coronavirus for us. Thank you and stay safe, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, The Intergalactic Business Report  Conventional news sources will report endlessly on the stock market crash by giving readers useless headlines about falling numbers and bleak forecasts for the future. The Intergalactic Business Report offers its readers a different story they can feel good about. Today we outline the seven reasons the stock market crash could be good news for you. 1. Instead of constantly worrying about how your 401K plan is doing, now you can just sit back and know that it totally sucks. 2. You can once again truly enjoy dinner because usually you just take it for granted that you can afford to eat. 3. You still have your penis/vagina/whatever. Cherish it. 4. If you’ve ever been fascinated by what it was like to live in the middle ages, you might get a chance. 5. No matter how bad it gets out there, you still know how to play with yourself. Nobody can take that away. 6. Air doesn’t cost money. Breathe. Unless the air quality sucks where you live. In that case, stay inside. Unless you lost your home. Then, we guess, breathe the stanky air outside. 7. When you’re broke, alcohol tastes better. |
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