In an “employee’s market” businesses are doing everything they can to attract and retain talent. But sometimes benefits packages, perks, and competitive salaries are not enough. A negative office culture may be slowly driving away your top team members and you don’t even know it.
The Intergalactic Business Report conducted a seven-pronged study about common practices most workplaces adhere to and found they had a disastrous effect on job satisfaction and happiness. If you do any of these at your office, change them today, or risk losing your best talent.
RULE ONE: If an employee has a “bitch look” on his face (as determined by his supervisor) then he forfeits that day’s pay.
RULE TWO: Employees must participate in “alternative religious” ceremonies in which they may be required to kill a goat and are responsible for recruiting two new members (one of which may be sacrificed to ensure a successful quarter) each month.
RULE THREE: Once an employee enters the office he or she may never “leave.”
RULE FOUR: Promotions are based on physical contests, like bare-knuckles fighting done in a pit in the basement or just blow jobs.
RULE FIVE: New hires are “beaten into” your team by running a crude gauntlet through cubicles and the copy and break rooms where they are hit with fists, staplers, and improvised pain-inflicting devices like detached keyboards and Jeff Tanner’s “fake dick.”
RULE SIX: The company retirement plan is for elders* to climb to the top of a mountain**, fling themselves off, and aim for a large rock*** below that will instantly end their lives, à la “Midsommar.”
RULE SEVEN: Promotions are solely based on an employee’s success in driving around and flashing his brights at other cars and then murdering the driver of the first car to flash back at them.
RULE EIGHT: Firing is being shot, termination is being shot after the boss says “Hasta la Vista Baby,” and being laid off is being shot after having sex with the boss.
*Age 47 and up.
** The roof.
*** A dumpster.
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