There you are. Sitting in the conference room of dreams and trying to keep your mind in place while your prospective employers pepper you with questions. Your taco hole opens to respond, but you’re not sure what mouth words to make and you panic. Should you compliment them on something? Give them your salary requirements? Ask where the bathroom is?
Whatever you say, don’t say the following nine deadly interview enders:
1. “When I walked into your building I had a premonition of it all burning down and me, just standing there in the rubble, laughing.”
2. “I don’t know what you just asked because I was thinking about porn. So, let’s change the subject for a second. If this were a porn, which one of you would have the largest dong? And, follow up question, can we make this whole thing into a porn? Right now?”
3. “Bee boo boop beep. That’s my tech knowledge.”
4. “Before I answer that question, I just want to clarify something. I don’t make booty calls. I TAKE booty calls. Now what were you saying?”
5. “There’s Grover, I guess. But I think he’s probably fucking Cookie Monster or Oscar, because Oscar is nasty and he’ll have sex with anyone. I’m sorry, didn’t you just ask me about Sesame Street?”
6. “In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters. Not you. Not the other guy there, whose name I forget. None of you matter. I matter. But that’s just because I’m alone in the universe and none of you exist.”
7. “I’m gonna rap my answer to that question. Uh huh… Uh huh… Can someone give me a fucking beat? Jesus. Forget it.”
8. “Let me just say this. Clowns aren’t born. Clowns are made. Who made you people into such clowns?”
9. “I’ve had my finger up my butt this whole time. Can you repeat the question?”
A toxic colleague can be hard to spot. They tend to subtly chip away at office morale in ways you may not even notice. Below we list what toxic people almost always do at work but that often goes under the radar. Many of these behaviors appear normal on the surface, but they actually show a deeper and almost undetectable level of disdain for co-workers. Look out for these seven signs:
1. He lights you on fire and says, “Sick burn!”
2. Whenever you find her in the break room squatting over a pot of coffee, she says she’s having “lady problems” and acts offended. Then a few minutes later, she brings you coffee.
3. At a baby shower, she comes dressed as a baby and takes all the gifts.
4. On an office retreat, he shows a power point presentation of himself, four hours earlier, wearing the bagels and donuts you just ate, on his dick.
5. He replaces your food in the breakroom fridge with perfect replicas made of laxatives and lab-grade cocaine.
6. When someone has a minor injury, she jumps in and says she used to be a nurse/paramedic/pre-med student and then goes straight to a full anal probe with a stapler.
7. When you leave work, he’s almost always just sitting there in the back seat of your car. And when you ask him to leave, he pretends he can’t speak. Then, when you finally drive away, he waits till you’re on the highway and asks if you can drop him off at his house, which is 25 miles in the opposite direction. Then he acts like he’s going to murder you for the rest of the ride.
1. Newharting: This is where couples buy historic Inns in Vermont just to have sex in them.
2. Apocolypsing: Ultra-wealthy couples buy cult compounds and then bring an actual end of days upon them, which is kind of a win-win for everyone involved.
3. Playing HORSE for body parts: This is just like the basketball game HORSE, only every time a poor person misses a shot, he has to donate an organ or limb to his rich sponsor.
4. Paying poor people to live in the middle ages: Full medieval villages are constructed for this real life gaming experience where struggling actors are paid to play peasants in the roles of their lives (because they sign contracts to do this for, literally, the rest of their lives). The rich people live in castles because they’re the kings and queens, and they show up occasionally to rule over their serfs. Sometimes, they need to put down a revolt. Other times, there’s a drought. It just kind of depends.
5. Fake UFOing: Some super-wealthy people construct multi-million dollar flying machines that they take around rural areas at night just to fuck with people. In a recent news story, multi-billionaire Jeffrey Von Dunnestead was arrested for landing, capturing, and probing two men he came upon near a Nebraska cornfield. He said he was just joking and was released immediately.
6. Telemarketing: In high-stakes contests with other rich people, the ultra-wealthy compete to see if they can sell random shit to middle-class Americans who are trying to eat dinner and hear the phone ring and then argue about answering it because it’s probably a telemarketer.
7. Shoeselling: Here, rich foot fetishists buy shoe stores just so they can go in and touch your feet. They have no intention of selling you the shoes. They don’t even really understand how money on that level works anymore.
8. Demolition Yacht Derby: This yearly event takes place in different high-end yachting locations (see: Saint-Tropez, Monaco, Ibiza) where the super-wealthy watch from the docks as their captains smash their boats into each other till they all just sink.
9. Manwich night: Instead of caviar and Dom Perignon, the super wealthy now ironically hold “manwich nights” where they imbibe Miller High Life and eat sloppy joes.
Avoid using these common passive aggressive phrases the next time you send an email:
1. “Go fuck yourself. I fucking hate you, Ricky. I wish you’d just fucking quit or die, but mostly die.”
2. “I just want to thank you for being such a dumb fuck. It makes me feel better about myself knowing there’s someone dumber than me in this world.”
3. “Let’s have lunch sometime soon so I can tell you to your face what a cocksucker you are.”
4. “I want to thank you in advance for completely fucking up this project. I’m just predicting the future here.”
5. “I hate to ask this, but can you have plastic surgery so that I forget what your face looks like?”
6. “Hope you had a great weekend just fucking around while I had to spend mine fixing all your fucking mistakes, you fucking fuckhead.”
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