 Some dude from a stock photo. Recently, two CEOs discovered their mangy employees recorded zoom calls where workers were told to stop pitying themselves for not receiving bonuses and were praised for selling a family dog to show company loyalty. We assume this was followed by asking their IT guy if he could unrecord the meetings, and was followed by, “Why not? Isn’t that your job?” and, “Well, I don’t understand any of this tech stuff. That’s why I hired you.”
Now these corporate leaders are facing universal, intertweet ridicule, and will probably craft apology videos to counter the negative publicity. While these incidents might serve as a cautionary tale for many CEOs, we were surprised to hear about one captain of industry who doubled down on his harsh message to his team. Cornelius Danforth, who runs pet food company Whiskaways had this to say during a company-wide Zoom-recorded speech yesterday: TRANSCRIPT: “Yeah, thank you everyone. I want to say thank you… Sincerely. I know you had other things to do today but when I call a meeting like this, I mean, what choice do you have but to show up?” (LONG PAUSE) “That was a joke. You don’t get it? Yeah… Humor. You should get one. Anyway, I just wanted to report to all of you about my bonus. I’m not gonna go out and pretend I didn’t give myself one, cause I did. I gave myself a giant fucking bonus. Can I swear? Can I? I’m asking my fucking IT guy. He’s just staring at me and pantomiming something. Jesus. I guess I can swear. Hold on.” (LOOKS AT SOME PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM) “O.K. O.K. I’ve been notified by myself that no one besides me is getting a bonus this year. Sorry. But If you think about it, that’s really your fault. I’m gonna say it. No, shut the fuck up IT man. I’m gonna say it. None of you deserve to be here. None of you deserve to even have a salary. None of you deserve to be talking to me in this one-sided way right now. I’m imparting fucking wisdom and you need to just sit there and soak it in. If you think about it, that’s your bonus. My wisdom. You’re welcome.” (PAUSE) “I need to collect myself. I’m buying a new place in Vail because my wife wants it. She doesn’t even ski. But I’m buying it to make her happy the same way I work here to make all of you happy. It’s been stressing me out, and maybe that’s why I’m a little testy right now. I apologize, but I also am countering this overwhelming burden of leadership by giving myself a mid-Zoom meeting additional bonus. IT guy? I’d like you to work on a sound effect that goes, Cha-Ching whenever I talk about money I’m getting. Do it. O.K. Anyway, I wanted to call you all together to remind you to start doing more. Don’t think about this company as just a job. Look at it as your life, the way you might if you were in a horror movie where you wake up somewhere and can’t figure out why and all you know is you were probably drugged and now you’re part of a sick game where you have to fight other miscreants in order to escape, which you never do because in horror movies today everyone gets killed, except the deranged psychopath who’s kind of like the hero of the film for whatever reason. I want you to think about that hero as me.” (LOOKS ON HIS PIECE OF PAPER FOR AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG TIME) “I’m almost done. Uh… Anyone want to sleep with me? Just throwing that out there. You get ten minutes to ask me questions and stuff and then you have to have sex with me. No bonus involved. Just the questions and sex. Oh, and… What did I write here? Can’t read my own hand-writing! Ha. Oh… Yeah. Hot chicks only. Not into dudes. Sorry IT guy. I know you would have been the first motherfucker to sign up.” (HOLDS UP A SIGN THAT SAYS, “YOU’RE FIRED.”) Last message. That one goes to all of you. But I need to explain first. Technically, you’re all still employed, but I want you to work like you’re fired and you’re trying to earn your job back. Like homeless people with squeegees during rush hour. That’s you now. Also, you work for tips now. I’m sending out a memo to that effect. And I don’t want to hear a bunch of crap about how tip money isn’t going to cover your basic expenses. If you don’t like it, be better. Give better service. Get better tips. Maybe have sex with me. I don’t know. That’s all on you. But hot chicks only. Also, I’m carrying around a wad of fives so I’ll hand those out when I see one of you doing something productive. Having said that, I don’t expect to be using that wad of cash anytime soon. That’s about it. O.K. Get back to work and I’m going to say that with air quotes. Peace.”  You’re at work and you need to communicate with someone, but you know if you open your mouth it’s going to sound hateful. Instead of just sitting there drooling like a specially-abled citizen, you review inclusive language lists that tell you what to say instead of the sexist/racist/homophobic evil that was about to emanate from your nasty, colonialist mouth.
In an effort to help you save your job, the Intergalactic Business Report found some diversity equity inclusion guidelines for inclusive language. But, in a stunning development, we also found that the inclusive language being proffered is actually horrifying in its own racist/sexist/ageist/ ableist/ homophobic way. Are diversity equity and inclusion people actually subversive Nazi sympathizers? You decide. #1. Instead of “ladies and gentlemen,” say, “everyone or folks.” WHY IT’S WRONG: By saying every “one” you are celebrating the Western, white supremacist concept of the individual over the group. “Folks” is what racist people in the South say, learned originally from their slave owner ancestors. Also, “folks” was a term favored by the Nazis to describe the master, Aryan race. For example, “Ein Volk, Ein Land, Ein Fuhrer.” #2. Instead of “insane” say “hard to believe” or “not acceptable”? WHY IT’S WRONG: So, you’re saying that people with mental illness are not acceptable and shouldn’t be believed? #3. Instead of saying “Mom and Dad,” say “Parent or Guardian.” WHY IT’S WRONG: “Parent” obviously describes an unequal paternal relationship with a supplicant, subservient underling (slavery much?). And “Guardian” implies a person who must “guard” or watch over a helpless being who is unable to make their own decisions—like a baby or child. So patronizing. Further, losing the terms “mom” or “dad” make it more difficult to understand it when someone says, “Parent? Parent? Do you even care that my dream is to be a DJ? Guardian? Are you drunk again? Don’t worry, I’ll keep my voice down. I don’t want the everyone in the neighborsphere to find out we’re not the pefect fucking home grouping!” #4. Instead of “opposite sex” say “different sex.” WHY IT’S WRONG: Why call out another sex as being “different” or “other”? #5. Instead of saying “Black list” say, “blocked list.” WHY IT’S WRONG: Wait till black people find out what “blocked list” used to be called and who changed it. Conspiracy much? Eenie meenie miney moe much? #6. Instead of “blind spot” say, “problem area.” WHY IT’S WRONG: So blind people are a “problem” now? #7. Instead of saying “OCD” say, “precise, particular.” WHY IT’S WRONG: So, we’re saying OCD people don’t need mental health help because they’re just precise people? Why don’t we just say people who can’t walk are just those really slow people who slither around on the ground to get places because they don’t need wheelchairs? #8. Instead of saying “man hours” say, “work hours.” WHY IT’S WRONG: So only men work? Seriously? #9. Instead of “maternity” leave, call it “gestational leave.” WHY IT’S WRONG: Gestate? Like a pachyderm? So now you’re calling women elephants? Body shame much? |
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