When you’ve worked somewhere long enough, you let your guard down a bit and may not be as “professional” as you were the first day on the job. While it can be healthful to be relaxed and comfortable at the office, experts at the Intergalactic Business Report now warn that when you get too relaxed you may be exhibiting these 9 toxic behaviors without even realizing it.
If you do any of these to your co-workers, team, boss, or employees, they may all secretly hate you. We list them below:
1. Inviting them to meetings where it’s just you and you don’t say anything no matter what, until they finally leave.
2. Throwing live beehives or hornet nests into their office and then barricading their door.
3. Forcing yourself to throw up on their desk during one on one meetings.
4. Flinging poo, chasing after it, and then eating it.
5. Calling the mafia on them.
6. Starting a rumor that they were a confederate general, and when people say, “That’s impossible,” you just say, “Yeah, I know. I didn’t believe it at first either.”
7. Saying you need to make a phone call and then using your penis to dial.
8. Adopting children in their name.
9. Following them on vacation and then when they say, “Hey, Phil? Is that you?” you mug them.
Ever wonder what the greatest business minds in the world talk about when the cameras aren't on? The Intergalactic Business Report overheard Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos while they were having lunch. Below is the crazy story of how it happened as well as a full transcript of the conversation.
A few days ago, an IBR writer was eating at a McDonalds when he noticed Bezos and Gates at a nearby table. Trained to memorize words and things people say, he transcribed their interaction entirely in his head.
THE FULL TRANSCRIPT:
JEFF BEZOS: Hey, man.
BILL GATES: What?
JEFF BEZOS: Nothing. I just said hey.
BILL GATES: Hey.
JEFF BEZOS: You want those fries?
BILL GATES: I fucking ordered them. So yeah. I want em.
JEFF BEZOS: Why you being suck a dick?
BILL GATES: I’m not being a dick. I just wanna eat my fucking lunch.
JEFF BEZOS: Fine…
BILL GATES: Cool.
JEFF BEZOS: So we’re not gonna talk or anything?
BILL GATES: We are talking.
JEFF BEZOS: Is something wrong? I mean, just tell me.
BILL GATES: Nothing.
JEFF BEZOS: Nothing?
BILL GATES: I don’t know.
JEFF BEZOS: Just tell me man.
BILL GATES: It’s just that…
JEFF BEZOS: What?
BILL GATES: Just computers and shit.
JEFF BEZOS: Oh…
BILL GATES: Yeah… I mean all the fucking time.
JEFF BEZOS: I know man. For me it’s selling shit online. All that shit.
BILL GATES: Why is it every time I tell you about my problems, you start talking about your fucking problems?
JEFF BEZOS: I was just trying to relate to you or whatever.
BILL GATES: Fuck off. This is why I hate eating fucking lunch with you.
JEFF BEZOS: I fucking hate you.
BILL GATES: Eat my fucking fries! You’ve been staring at them for twenty fucking minutes.
(Jeff ate the fries. They kind of stopped talking after that.)
Recently, Ed Mountaineer mentioned he’s looking for work. We found his résumé and are posting it below. If you would like to hire him, please contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Expert funnel cake fucker.
PHD/year of the rat (Chinese Calendar)
School of Life/majored in Funnel Cake erotica and Business Management.
Was supposed to manage a food stand at a traveling carnival. Ending up having sex with the funnel cakes instead.
St. Louis Funnel Cake Factory
Was supposed to help make funnel cakes. I did. But instead of packaging them for sale, I fucked them.
I lurk in the alley behind the bakery and wait to see if they throw out any funnel cakes. If they do, well, you can guess what happens next.
Central Intelligence Agency
Covert agent assigned to locating funnel cakes. Then having sex with them.
Awards and Acknowledgements
Funnel cake lover award/lifetime achievement
Awarded to a person who devotes his entire life to loving funnel cakes.
Funnel cake adult movie award/runner up
My self-made film, Funnel of Love, won second place in the first annual film festival entirely made up in someone’s mind.
Available if you give me a funnel cake. Please contact me for a drop point and instructions.
You may consider yourself a hustler—always the smartest one in the room. But did you know there are some common phrases you use all the time that make you a mark for con artists, unscrupulous sales people, and perverts?
The Intergalactic Business Report saves your ass again, by shining a light on the 7 things you say all the time that you need to stop saying now before you get ripped off and taken advantage of again.
1. “Here’s all my money. No. I don’t want to know what it’s for.”
2. “I don’t think it’s necessary to wear a condom. My penis is magic because I put a protection spell on it.”
3. “Are you really God?”
4. “My mama told me Fritos is good for you.”
5. “Sure. You can tie me up.”
6. “Okay, but come back when you double my money.”
7. “Your phone number is the same as my bank account number? That’s impossible. Whose phone number is 061550836 2311864155?”
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