 Inspired by the push for self-driving cars, the Intergalactic Business Report's own research laboratories have announced that in 2020 they will release the first ever self-playing video game system for the consumer market. Below we list the key features of this system and why it will be much better and different than current gaming consoles like Playstation, Xbox, and Nintendo. 1. The self-playing system, named, “Playwithyourself 1,” requires zero participation by the player. You just sit there and the computer plays the video game for you, making choices, moves, and even “rage quitting” if another self-playing system competing with yours does something that’s total bullshit and fake and enrages your system so much that it simply shuts down. 2. Playwithyourself 1 has a dual meaning because “players” are now free to masturbate during video game play without worrying about dropping a controller or being distracted in any way. Game testers applauded the fact that they could whack off before, during, and after games because they weren’t participating at all in actual gameplay. This freed up both their hands and lube users rejoiced that they no longer got it all over their controls, because there are no controls. 3. Being “good” at video games will simply be how much money you pay, making it objectively simple to be the best. Unlike current video games in which players use coins, bonuses, and upgrades to enhance their playing abilities, the new IBR system translates “skill” directly into how much money you pay them. Want to win the weekend challenge? Just pony up a grand. Unless someone in Bulgaria puts in more than a grand in whatever money they use. In that case, you’ll lose, but at least it won’t be a surprise. 4. As self-driving cars and other self-doing technology takes off, our developers see that in 20 years, there will be no need to know how to do anything yourself, freeing us up to do whatever there is that’s left to do when there’s nothing to do. So, we’ll all be able to finally relax and stop worrying so much about stuff. 5. Our video game system is already leading to some other new, exciting technologies. They include: self-wiping asses; self-feeding tubes so that you don’t have to remember or know how to put food in your mouth and chew and swallow it; self-voting robots who sift through the major issues of the day and cast ballots for you; and self-selfs, a version of yourself that does all the shit you don’t want to do while you just lie there in a box and enjoy life.  You’re in a meeting and you want to say something smart, but your vocabulary is limited to whatever people in your office say. Feel trapped? Don’t. Instead, follow the Intergalactic Business Report’s fresh new updates on tired old work phrases. Use them. Don’t lose them. PHRASE: “That’s not my bailiwick.” WHAT IT MEANS: That’s not my area of responsibility or expertise. FRESH ALTERNATIVE PHRASE: "That won’t fit in my butthole.” PHRASE: “That’s in your wheelhouse.” WHAT IT MEANS: That’s your area of responsibility or expertise. FRESH ALTERNATIVE PHRASE: “I don’t suck dicks but I know you do.” PHRASE: “Let’s take this offline.” WHAT IT MEANS: Let’s have an informal conversation about this later. FRESH ALTERNATIVE PHRASE: “Let’s masturbate together in my office at four o’clock.” PHRASE: “If I’m being honest…” WHAT IT MEANS: I’m about to tell you the truth about something. FRESH ALTERNATIVE PHRASE: “I have many sexually transmitted diseases and I’m into really weird and probably illegal sex acts.” PHRASE: “I don’t want to throw Randy under the bus, but…” WHAT IT MEANS: “I don’t want to unfairly criticize or put all the blame on Randy, but…” FRESH ALTERNATIVE PHRASE: “I don’t want to pull down my pants right now and slap Randy in the face with my semi-soft penis, but…” PHRASE: “I don’t like the optics.” WHAT IT MEANS: I don’t like the way this makes things look or appear. FRESH ALTERNATIVE PHRASE: “My penis looks small. But maybe if I photographed it at a better angle it would look huge. Or just slightly bigger. Can I borrow someone's iPhone?” PHRASE: “How do we incent this?” WHAT IT MEANS: How do we make this an attractive option people will be encouraged to do? FRESH ALTERNATIVE PHRASE: “Does anyone have any drugs on them?” PHRASE: “Let’s look at this from the 30,000 foot view…” WHAT IT MEANS: Let’s try to see this broadly by stepping back a bit. FRESH ALTERNATIVE PHRASE: “Let’s get under the bleachers and see if we can get some footage of people’s nuts for my Web cam show.” PHRASE: “Let’s get our ducks in a row.” WHAT IT MEANS: “Let’s get organized and prepared.” FRESH ALTERNATIVE PHRASE: “I’m too hairy for this orgy. I need to trim down first.”  A memo conveys what a prick you are but also what a prick they are--all in a formal, polite way. Having trouble breaking through to family members when you want to complain, apologize, or just nag them about something? The Intergalactic Business Report gives you the solution to all your family problems. Just send a corporate-style memo like the samples below: Dear Wendy, At the Ratuliak household, we always strive to deliver you a better family experience. We are therefore sorry to hear about your recent complaint regarding Phil. Thank you for bringing to our attention that he had seven beers last night and fell asleep in a reclining chair after swearing something at you and the dog. I will be personally speaking to him about this incident in my own head, since I am Phil, and will make sure we work harder to bring you the kind of life you imagined when you married him. I should note that in recent conversations with Phil, he has alleged that several months ago you passed out at a wedding reception after drinking much more than seven beers. In addition, Jeff says that unlike the recliner in your living room, where he lost consciousness, you blacked out while sitting on a rented chair in a banquet hall. Further, he tells me that before you expired, you screamed, “Waitress better get me another drink or I’m gonna kill a bitch.” While this in no way excuses Phil’s behavior last night, it kind of doesn’t even look that bad compared to the sorry shit you pulled at that wedding, right? I mean, he fell asleep on a chair. Sincerely, Phil Ratuliak, Manager, Ratuliak household. Dear Michael, We are sorry to hear about the recent “dutch oven” incident involving your wife, Heather. The bedding at the Haverstead residence is meant to be completely fart free and trapping you underneath a blanket while she released a vapor of her own excrement was totally uncalled for and inappropriate. We will point out, however, that this attack on you was preceded by an endless amount of your own bullshit, so in many ways, one could argue that not only did you have this coming, but you probably deserve a dutch oven every night you are stupid enough to close your eyes in bed while your wife holds in her gas till you fall asleep. Cordially, Heather Haverstead, Management team at the Haverstead family. Dear Brutus, As the only canine member of the Johnson Team, we appreciate your ongoing loyalty and dedication. We also understand there are many cultural differences between dogs and humans. We recognize and celebrate these. We must, however, insist that you immediately cease your practice of taking shits on the living room floor in the middle of the night. We feel the other team members have given you sufficient opportunities to relieve yourself outdoors, including at times as late as midnight. When given these opportunities, our management team feels you have a reluctance to use them to their full potential. In other words, you look at us as if to say, “Why are we out here? I don’t need to crap at all.” And yet, when you are brought inside, you seem to wait patiently till the entire management team is asleep. Then you poop on the Johnson Persian rug, which cost us like seven grand. Because of your defiant behavior, we have no choice but to assign you to a cage in the management office bedroom where you will spend each night confined till you can learn to adhere to the strict not shitting in the house rules that we all abide by. Yours, Jeff Johnson, Team Leader at the Johnson house.  Are you a person who gets paid to tell other people what to do and if they don’t you can fire them if the person who gets paid to tell you what to do says it’s o.k.? Stop looking like a chump and begin a new reign of effectiveness as you deliver the “M” to your employees with these 7 hot as lava power phrases. 1. “My wee wee is cookoo for this meeting.” Tell your employees how excited you are to be with them in the conference room with this cool turn of phrase. 2. “Your powerpoint presentation just made my dick crawl back inside my stomach.” This means the presentation was below your high standards and you encourage the presenter to try again. 3. “I guess I need to rethink my masturbation location.” Say this if you walk into a room you thought was free, but is occupied. Then leave. 4. “I hired you because I think you’re hot and that maybe you’d date me.” In this context, the word “hot” means a high performing worker and “date me” means contribute a lot to this work environment. 5. “I have no problem having everyone here literally killed if they say anything about me using my penis as a pointer during my sexual harassment presentation.” This is just a wordy, but more powerful, way to tell your team you hope they will not be afraid to ask you questions about serious workplace issues that affect us all. 6. “Hey, nerd. Fix this shit or I’ll shove a floppy disk up your poop shoot.” IT people can be difficult to communicate with, so use this flashy sentence to cut right through to their computer brains. 7. “Your dress is so low cut that it’s what I call a booby trap!” Show women in your office that you have a sense of humor and can kid around a little. You’re not just an uptight bossman. You’re also a jokester who can use the word booby to make a joke about women’s breasts. |
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